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movingforward13 posted 11/24/2013 07:41 AM

10 years from now, we will all be in a different place. Some will have moved on from this site because they no longer need the support.

Please return and tell us how life has played out for you and your ex waywards, if you are still in contact with them. Tell us if karma had her way with them. Tell us how your life has improved because of the self reflection and healing you committed yourself to.

Thefly559 posted 11/24/2013 10:16 AM

I Agree and I hope one day to do just that

sparkysable posted 11/24/2013 14:37 PM

I joined in 2004 after his first affair, and I'm still here

I love a good WS karma story myself

foxglove posted 11/24/2013 14:42 PM

I'm seven years out from Dday, and divorced almost that long. On the day I found out about my XH's affair, I promised myself that I'd either be in a happier marriage or happier on my own. Everything I did from that point was focused on my own healing.

Early on I did all the things we recommend for newbies-the 180, healthy diet, exercise, journaling, IC, and short term anti-depressants. It was all tremendously helpful.

Later, I went back to school. Going back to school was probably the best thing I've done for myself. It got me out of the house, and concentrating on something other than my own pain. Returning to school helped me to get a promotion which was great as the first few years were challenging financially. I also spent time reconnecting with friends and volunteering. I kept the house and for the first few years spent lots of time making my own. I've gotten pretty good with power tools.

Like many over in NB, I dated too soon, but it was still a learning experience. I took about two and a half years off from dating, and really worked on myself. I grieved my marriage for a long time, but also processed WHY I settled for so little in my marriage. I worked on building a satisfying life in which I could be happy even if I was going to be alone.

I started dating sporadically about year four. I met some nice guys, but no one special. Two years ago, I was re-introduced to the brother of a close friend and we've been dating ever since-it's truly the best and most satisfying relationship of my life.

My XH? I'm afraid I don't have a good kharma story, other than the fact that he is still not happy. He left for the OW, but they broke up after four years. He wanted to reunite, but he was still not really remorseful. He mostly just wanted a soft place to land. By that time, I was so healthy, I couldn't go there.

I don't wish him ill anymore, but I'm not surprised that he's still not happy. He's not happy in his job or with the new woman he lives with. He doesn't own his own home any more or have as much contact with the kids as he'd like. I wish he'd get his act together so he could be a better dad.

If I had one piece of advice-concentrate on you. Do whatever it takes to get healthy for you and for your children. Don't allow yourself to try to figure out why or how they could do it. It does not matter.

[This message edited by foxglove at 2:45 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]

dmari posted 11/24/2013 15:11 PM

foxglove ~ thank you so much! I've reread your post several times. It has given me strength. Thank you for paying it forward! I will too when the time comes.

Williesmom posted 11/24/2013 15:20 PM

I've never left either! D-day was in 2006. 2nd DDay was in 2008. I've been D for over 5 years.

My life since D has been phenomenal. I have traveled to the Middle East and Europe, I have great friends, and have recently gone back to a new job at a company that I love with people that I love.

I still own the marital home, and have 4 fabulous puppies that make me laugh every single day.

My wxh isn't with the skank. She re- married her BXH about a year after he divorced her. Wxh's new lurve is even a bitter skank. I get great joy out of the fact that she's a bigger girl than I am/was(he was always on my ass about my weight).

My wxh got our joint business in the divorce, and it's dying a slow and painful death. He's smoking excessively, and I hear that he's just a miserable person all around. He's driving a 4 year old vehicle, which was way beneath him when we were married.

Life is good.

Dreamboat posted 11/24/2013 17:48 PM

My dday was in 2005. X moved to another state a couple of months later and D was in 2006.

After getting thru the roller coaster of infidelity and the D, my life has been boring. Boring good. I have been able to pay off my debts and save some money for DD’s college. DD was 8 on dday and is now 16. She and I are very close. She is a normal well adjusted high school student, although she does have some trust issues. I tried dating some early on but it was awkward and I really don’t have time for it.

X rarely took visitation in the beginning and now has not seen DD in about 3 years. He stopping paying CS 5 years ago because he was “broke”.

Now for the karma. But I have to say, karma is often just another term for “making bad decisions”.
• X started a business with Snake BIL in 2006 before I filed for D; I don’t trust Snake as far as I could throw him.
• After X started the business he was informed by a L that his share was considered marital property and therefore ½ was mine. He was pissed. The idot should have consulted a L BEFORE starting the business.
• In the D I traded my share of the business for the equity in the house. X did not get a L (idiot) and so my L wrote up the D saying that X had to sign a quit claim deed on the house. However, the mortgage was not mentioned so I did not have to refi. That saved me thousands of dollars
• In 2007 X bought a house with an 80/20 mortgage with very bad interest rates. It was a huge house that he really could not afford. The mortage company did not care – the took their fee and sold the junk mortgage. You can thank my X for contributing to the housing crash in 2008
• X married his whore in 2008. DD immediately stopped talking to him and refused to see him. She was very very angry with him. He blamed DD
• A little over a year after the M, OW left. Shocker I know. Around the same time X’s business went under because of bad business practices by him and Snake. X blamed the economy.
• X moved out of his house and started renting it to tenants. He was living with his sister for a while. He asked if he could live in my basement – hell no!! DD started talking to X but she was very cold to him. He did not understand
• Snake BIL got X a job and yet another state. He would not give me his address because he knew I would give it to the state CSE who had been hounding him about CS. Then X quit the job because he said things were “weird”
• Around the same time the IRS started sending letters to my house for unpaid taxes. Apparently Snake BIL neglected to pay any payroll taxes the last year the business was open and X was too stupid to realize it. Oh, and Snake conventiently transfer the dying business into X’s name in the last months it was open and so Snake did not have any tax liability. Nice…
• X decided that living with his sister and Snake was not working out, and I would not let him live in my basement and the state CSE was after him and the IRS was after him and debt collectors were after him so he did the only logical thing: He left the US and moved in with OW in the UK. Apparently their dysfunctional relationship was a better option than anything else.
• Oh yeah, X did not tell my or DD that he left and tried to keep it a “secret”. It took me about a month to figure it out. I told DD about 9 months later when she was fretting about seeing him during summer break. X finally fessed up in an email 2.5 years after the fact. I replied “I know”
• He sends DD an email every couple of months. DD responds with as few sentences as possible
• X still does not have a job. He is mooching off of OW and the UK tax payers

That is it for now, but I am sure there is more to come. At some point he will have to renew his passport, but he will not be able to because of the astronomical amount of CS that he owes. I am sure he will blame me when that happens.

Artemisia posted 11/24/2013 18:21 PM

Thank you, thank you!

Thank you moving13 for posting this topic. It's so needed.

Thank you foxglove, williesmom, and dreamboat for the fast reply. It's so wonderful to hear how you're doing.

sunsetslost posted 11/24/2013 22:12 PM

My therapist stunned me last week. She suggested I stop coming on here once I feel the need isn't there. I strongly disagreed with her. And I don't do that lightly. She has saved my life. I told her I intend on being a member of this club for the rest of my life and to pay the healing energy forward as much as I can. She backed off quickly, which is not in this brilliant woman's nature. She did suggest that I perhaps take a break once I find myself in a place of peace and healing, just to "bookend" my time on here. That won't be for a while but I do see the wisdom in her advice. So when I do find myself in the healing place I will reevaluate and perhaps take a break. But it is my most sincere promise to you, mivingforward13, that I will share my pain, strength, experience and happiness with all those who will listen.

Sad in AZ posted 11/25/2013 01:20 AM

I'm 6.5 years from d-day and 4.5 years on this site. I read much more than I post these days, but believe me, I was a mess at first and this place was a godsend. I think I'll be around for a while longer

NWfleur posted 11/25/2013 02:40 AM

Great idea for a post, thanks MF! I joined SI only about a year and a half ago, although wow does it seems like longer! It was such a key component of my healing, and while I don't visit as often, I do check in now and then!

My marriage began unraveling years back, with A suspected about two and a half years ago. Then Dday, then the hellish pain that followed, divorce was final 5 months after finding out. At that time, I would have done anything to save my marriage despite the fact it was in trouble even before the affair. But he never looked back and made it clear he was going to be with the OW. My life completely fell apart. I had no idea how I would be able to get through it. But I dove head first into the healing process and made it my goal to get through this with my head held high!

Update to now: Other than my frustration at his recent move cross country away from his kids, life it great. I have my downs here and there, mainly when something reminds me of things (such as a dream) but it's more reflection than pain or sadness. I feel like he isn't the same person I once knew. It helps me make sense of it, because when I read old letters, etc and remember how much love there seemed to be...I still can't believe all that happened. But it did, and my healing seems like it happened pretty fast. Maybe because I pushed myself into the pain and just let myself feel it and wallow for awhile.

I dated someone briefly and that was a bit of a disaster, but have since met someone new (also a former BS) and he's wonderful. We started as friends and it has blossomed. He makes me realize what I was missing. My kids are doing pretty well, ups and downs but that's part of the reality. They miss their dad. I am back to work after many years at home, finishing up some teaching credentials and looking forward to the next steps in my career.

My ex? He ended up moving 2K miles away from his kids, after the OW left him, perhaps he thought following her would change her mind. He claims it was a coincidence he moved to the same city as her. Right. Since then, he dated another one (same profile, very young, pretty, no kids, girl.) That apparently didn't work out either. He seems really sad to me. He drinks too much. He swings back and forth from being fairly friendly and civil to being a total jerk. I know he misses our kids but not enough to move back to be closer to them. I would feel sorry for him, but abandoning his kids was the final straw. Karma bus...maybe. Not seeing his kids, to me, that's about the worst blow I can think of. And why I almost pity him. I got the better end of the deal, hands down. I bet most of us can say that with time...

[This message edited by NWfleur at 9:06 AM, November 25th (Monday)]

Lola7 posted 11/25/2013 15:06 PM

Thank you for the advice Foxglove. I think I need to print this out and tape it to my wall. :)

Thefly559 posted 11/25/2013 21:32 PM

I like to bump up the positivity hopefully more elders will reply

Lost15 posted 11/25/2013 22:00 PM

Thank you for this post! It helps so much more than you know to read others stories of survival. Especially for those of us that are just starting this journey through hell that seems to never end. It is very reassuring.

shiloe posted 11/26/2013 08:54 AM

Just want to "bump" this up . . . .great topic!

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