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Friend sending racy pics of wife

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last_time posted 11/24/2013 11:00 AM

Found them because every once in a while I check my FWH texts and to my surprise I find a close up pic of lace underwear on his former co-worker's wife.
This guy also was a cheater who was caught (not even 2 years ago). I have always thought he was a low-life, although you would not know it by his nice house, 2 beautiful kids, good job... but his FB page used to have him as an "owner" of some kind of online adult toy store". Also description he used of himself was "a little bit of the freak in him".
Need I say more? When I saw this pic I thought he was trying to lure my husband into some kind of threesome or some other kinky thing. Then yesterday I looked on line to see he was sent another pic from him, but when I got to my FWH phone, it wasn't there (deleted obviously).
Do I send a text to this pervert telling him to stop sending my husband pics of his wife or is there is something else I should do?

SisterMilkshake posted 11/24/2013 11:36 AM

Friend? Who's "friend" is this? Not your friend. He isn't a friend of the marriage. Then I would imagine he isn't a friend of your FWH's. I would expect my FWH to go NC with this so called "friend". I wouldn't bother with sending so called "friend" a message. I would ask my FWH to block the number. In fact, I would insist upon it.

headdesk posted 11/24/2013 12:16 PM

Yeah - this isn't porn...this is a lady who he's likely met and spent time with. Not cool that he's not telling you (though again, he's likely to not want to rock the boat and hope you don't see it). I too agree, this 'friend' shouldn't be allowed in your marriage to screw with it like he's doing.

HurtButHopeful? posted 11/24/2013 12:20 PM

Have you spoken to your H about the pic? If your H is on the up and up with you, and committed to R, he should have already told the guy to stop sending him pics. IMO your H should be so disgusted that the man would send a pic of his own W, that he (your H) would tell the guy he is a sicko and to F off. What kind of person sends pics of their spouse to another person?

Definitely talk to your H, and make sure he cuts the nut off. block him on FB, everything. Get him out of your lives. It will be easy, since he is a <former> coworker and he doesn't have to be around him at work anymore.

HurtButHopeful? posted 11/24/2013 12:23 PM

In fact, your H should suggest the <former> coworker cuts both his nuts off. (I couldn't resist the pun.)

Truly posted 11/24/2013 13:20 PM

hmm... So sorry, this is revolting but it
all sounds very suspect to me.
Are you sure that the photos are from the 'friend'?
They could be from the wife but she's stored as a contact on your husband's phone as her husband's name... dig further...something doesn't ring true...

Sadly, OW#1 was stored on WH's phone under MY name.... Grrrrr

jackson posted 11/24/2013 14:20 PM

I had the same thought as Truly.

Tearsoflove posted 11/24/2013 17:10 PM

Do I send a text to this pervert telling him to stop sending my husband pics of his wife or is there is something else I should do?

If your husband's behavior indicates acceptance or encouragement, it never does any good to contact the OW/OM/badly behaving friend or any other outside person to try to stop the behavior. The only person who can put a stop to this is your husband and if he is unwilling to do so, you will only be wasting your time and your husband will paint you as the control freak wife and he's so sorry you sent that horrible message. The source of the problem is your husband and that's where the focus should be.

The only way this will stop with outside contact is if the wife doesn't know her husband is sharing their intimate photos and you contact her.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 5:11 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]

Mousse242 posted 11/24/2013 18:51 PM

1 - your husband needs to unfriend him in real life. Sending pictures like that is highly inappropriate.

2 - your husband needs to learn how to set boundaries. He needs to tell this person that it isn't cool to send him stuff like that and it isn't appreciated.

If you're friends or know his wife, you may also want to let her know what is going on.

last_time posted 11/24/2013 20:08 PM

He is not my friend. I have been around him very few times, and once my husband told me he was cheating on his wife - it sealed the deal for me. I have told my FWH many times what I think of this guy, but he seems to always be available to golf because of his hours. this guy I think looks up to my husband who is 20 years older than him. My husband has no discretion-!f you like him- he likes you. Wants the world to like him. I find it a terrible personality trait.

I haven't told my husband because I don't want to hear bullshit or anger. I just don't have it in me right now.

It's definitely the guys wife. He wrote Mmmm under the picture to which my husband wrote back - nice shot. Which the other guy replied- oh Yeahhhh.

I wasnt going to say anything because I thought it was just a big jerk doing something idiotic like send a pic of his wife but when I saw another' pic was sent yesterday but deleted off my husbands phone- I thought okay now I have to do something.

last_time posted 11/24/2013 20:15 PM

PS- I don't really know his wife- have met her a few times and not sure if this is just my thoughts running away - but she was at a PORN convention with her husband in Las Vegas (I guess because of their side business ) and even though she looks like apple pie mom with 2 kids and is a medical professional -!i would not put it past her to be okay with sending photos to my husband. The 3 x I met her I was uneasy- like she was interested in my husband. I dont usually react like that but I just uncomfortable.

Nature_Girl posted 11/24/2013 20:43 PM

1 - your husband needs to unfriend him in real life. Sending pictures like that is highly inappropriate.
2 - your husband needs to learn how to set boundaries. He needs to tell this person that it isn't cool to send him stuff like that and it isn't appreciated.

You need to do this. I would add that your husband needs to end the "friendship" with this man immediately. You need to take action and not back down. Silence gives consent. Silence also will destroy your marriage. I understand you feel empty inside. I totally get that, I was there. I kept silent because I didn't want to make myself a target for his wrath. Look where I am now.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 11/24/2013 20:46 PM

The 3 x I met her I was uneasy- like she was interested in my husband. I dont usually react like that but I just uncomfortable.
This is very important and what I think everyone is trying to say: Are you SURE it isn't HER sending the pics??

last_time posted 11/24/2013 20:52 PM

Nature Girl- I agree. I would love for him to cut this a-hole out of his life but I don't think my husband will. I think he likes him & totally looks past this guys huge flaws, which I won't go into.
My husband hasnt cheated on me with another woman in years now - but what he does do is lie - to get what he wants, to do what he wants...
Like Says I'm working late (most times it's to meet up after work for dinners/drinks which he knows I hate)

last_time posted 11/24/2013 21:01 PM

Nature girl- I agree. But I just keep thinking if I text this guy & say
Listen - stop sending pictures of your wife to my husband. I don't know what you're into & I don't care, but what I do care about is my marriage and if you care about yours don't let it happen again. I have left (husband's name) out of this and that's how I want to keep it. If you don't want me to contact your wife - knock it off.

last_time posted 11/24/2013 21:13 PM

It's not from her number - I don't even know it. The husbands wrist is partially in the picture & I can see his watch and i know his phone #.

i have no idea if she said to her husband - Sure, send the pic. Like ] I said I don't know if they're trying to get my husband involved in some weird sexual thing, which I cannot ever imagine him doing, but definitely my FWH would love the fantasy
or this guy is just such a low life a-hole that he sent it just thinking it was cool to do that.
Only thing is I also have no idea what the 2nd pic was because it was deleted, but online it said a pic was sent . I looked back for months and as far as I could tell he has never sent a pic before- so I think I caught it right away.

Nature_Girl posted 11/24/2013 21:29 PM

2x4

No, your husband needs to send a No Contact letter to this guy. He's acting in an entirely Wayward manner, and not just with ignoring your concern about the soft-porn pictures.

Why didn't he tell you about it himself?
Why are you walking on eggshells & deleting them for him w/o telling him?
Why does he ignore your concerns about stopping someplace after work?
Why are you blindly believing that he's completely innocent now?
Why do you think you should contact this guy when you have no relationship with him?
What do you think you're protecting?

I'm concerned for YOU. You're acting in ways that are codependent. There are all kinds of red flags waving here, we all see them, but you seem to just see things tinted rose.

Would you please read a book? Boundaries in Marriage, by Cloud & Townsend. Right now your husband is bulldozing over you, and you're lying down & letting it happen. You don't really think you can keep a man faithful by being nice, do you?

PurpleRose posted 11/24/2013 21:38 PM

Why are you so afraid to confront your WH? This post has red flags all over the place and each time someone notes one, you brush it off.

Just what, exactly, are you looking for with this thread?

Something is not right with this "friend" of your WS. Are you in R? I don't know your story, but I'm guessing this isn't your first rodeo with this WH, right?

Your WH accepted racy photos of another woman
From someone in the porn industry
He replied "nice shot"
He deleted another photo from same number
Has not told you about any of this

What more do you need?

Mousse242 posted 11/24/2013 21:58 PM

Then the next question is this, why are with a man who continues with behavior that you find offensive? Why are you with someone who has no regard for your feelings and doesn't take that into consideration with his actions?

standinghere posted 11/25/2013 01:09 AM

My husband has no discretion-!f you like him- he likes you. Wants the world to like him. I find it a terrible personality trait.

Bad trait in anyone. Easily drawn into all sorts of questionable behavior. Tolerance for inappropriate behavior. He needs to do some work on himself, with IC, or you can never trust him. Slippery friends, slippery behavior, and hiding it all.

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