"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

TheThreeYearFool posted 11/24/2013 18:29 PM

I was going through old photos on Shutterfly today and went through some pictures from a winter 2011 trip to Puerto Rico. Recently I realized that WH had been an ass to me on much of that trip because he was in the beginning stages of the A.

I noticed a picture that at the time I thought was a sweet snap of him, unawares as he looked at his cell phone. And it hit me. He was texting her at that moment. On an old phone that was still in the house.

WH is out in the garage playing cards with friends. So I found the phone, charged it up, and got into the texts from January 2012 going back to the summer of 2011 before WH grabbed the phone away from me. Thousands of texts a month. Constant graphic sexual comments. References to all their sex acts. Him responding about how hard he was, at times that I know he was with me.

Nauseating stuff from her about all her nail appointments and eyelash extensions and hair extensions and waxing -- I know she's fat but how was I supposed to compete with that?

Nice to know that all his coworkers found out about the A some time ago. Apparently a number of them told her not to expect WH to leave me for her.

So many hotels, so many dinners out and morning after breakfasts. So much going on that I had no idea about.

Him looking forward to their trip together to New Orleans. Coordinating meeting with her immediately after dropping me off at the airport for my flight to see my parents.

Him sending her pictures of our cats and talking about how MY cat missed her. Her sending him pictures of her extensions -- like putting a wig on a pig.

But what was worse was all the emotional stuff. Him getting jealous of other guys hitting on her and of her still being married to her BH. Him talking about how he wanted to cuddle her and kiss her (he claims he's not a cuddler or a kisser) and missing her. Talking about wanting to be with her and wanting her to be his. Complaining about not getting to see her very often.

I know this all took place about two years ago. While I didn't see any of the more recent texts during the A I've seen recent emails between the two of them and they're not like that. WH was definitely more standoffish with her.

I should have kept my knowledge of the old phone to myself but I just didn't want to sneak around. Now he's still in the garage and we're communicating by text.

He says that he didn't love her. That in the beginning it was new. That he fought with her for years after saying what he said. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. He asks me why I did this and what did I gain from looking?

I've asked him what changed his mind? What made him decide he wanted to be with me after all?

I hate this so much. I wish he'd just left me when he wanted to be with her. I knew there was some distance between us back then but I had no idea he didn't want to be with me.

Should I not have even looked?

struggling3 posted 11/24/2013 18:37 PM

((((TheThreeYearFool)))) I don't have much advice for you but my heart is hurting for you. This shit it so hard. I would be asking all of the same questions for sure. I can answer your question

Should I not have even looked?

I absolutely would have looked. I'm still looking and checking since 2011 also and I don't know if I will stop doing that any time soon :( Take care of yourself.

Dyinghere posted 11/24/2013 19:14 PM

I would look. I'd rather know the reality instead of the lies. But what you found is just heartbreaking. Hugs to you.

headdesk posted 11/25/2013 00:25 AM

Plus this was fact finding from a very, very recent dday. Not 2 years down the road dreggings up. I'm guessing your gut is telling you one thing and him another...if so, trust your gut.

kickboxer posted 11/25/2013 00:35 AM

Your words break my heart.

I would look...but I don't know if it would help or hinder our progress.

I do know it would damage me deep inside. There's so many things I need to know...answers he isn't willing to give...conversations he isn't willing to have.

I'm so sorry the person you have devoted your life to...the person you pledged to be loyal and faithful to...the person you vowed to honor through good times and bad has treated you this way.

KatieG posted 11/25/2013 02:10 AM

I look and I would have looked. every new realisation needs investigation and however long ago you need to know everything.

It opens the wounds up like they were yesterday, so him saying he loves you and is sorry, although probably true, isn't enough. You need to know everything. Once you know everything it can start to heal/fade but this is fresh again.

TennisTC posted 11/25/2013 07:40 AM

He asks me why I did this and what did I gain from looking?

To me, the answer is simple - you gained the truth.

I would have definitely looked too. For me personally, I have to know what happened in order to forgive it. I'm not there yet, but I'm working towards it. Also, I don't want my H and OW to have any more secrets.

It's so heartbreaking. Out of everything, what I'm most upset about is seeing an email my husband wrote to COW while we were leaving for 11 days in the caribbean saying he missed her. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

(((ThreeYearFool)))

TheThreeYearFool posted 11/25/2013 10:44 AM

To him the is all ancient history. He says he regrets telling her all those things. But he's had almost three years to come to terms with it, and I've had not even one month.

My heart's just broken. There was nothing special that was just for us. She scratched his back, he tickled her feet.

You would think after DDay there couldn't be any more shocks. But even though I knew what happened on an intellectual level, seeing the emotions involved is another punch in the gut.

I feel like I'm not in a real marriage anymore.

painfulpast posted 11/25/2013 11:03 AM

The emotions are the killer aren't they? That's why EAs hurt so much. Losing a spouse's heart is crushing.

As far as looking - I doubt you'll find anyone that wouldn't have looked. Hell, I had my H's phone scrubbed by a forensic specialist to get to the deleted texts. BSs go to all sorts of lengths to get the truth.

Oddly, if you had the truth, these messages wouldn't feel like a punch in the gut. So, if he asks again why you looked just tell him that you knew he was lying and you knew the proof would be on that phone. Then let him know you'll continue to dig until you believe you have the truth, and he can give that to you, or he can keep lying, causing much more damage to the M, and you will keep finding things proving him a liar.

You should have known about those texts. Your H is still in preservation mode. He still wants to keep most of the A away from you. He's afraid you'll leave. He's embarrassed by his actions. He doesn't want you to go crazy, and he wants to control the situation. He's used to controlling it, so he's going to fight for that.

You deserve the truth before you decide to reconcile or not. Without it, how on earth do you know what it is you're trying to forgive?

It's been less than a month. If your H thinks this his A will not be a major factor in his life for the next few years, he's mistaken.

I'm sorry you are dealing with the texts. Seeing what your WS did in print is really difficult to deal with.

LivinginLimbo posted 11/25/2013 11:13 AM

If you're like me, you need to know exactly what you're dealing with. This is why I spent countless hours searching for details.

It's so complicated when you see the emails/IM's that are the complete opposite of what you're being told. Are they now simply saying what they think you need to hear, or are the actually being honest after years of deceit?

I know my FWH would be thrilled if the topic never came up again. Sorry, doesn't work that way. I need to know everything in order to work through this new reality. His discomfort is of his own making and is his problem to deal with.

bobf posted 11/25/2013 11:22 AM

My wife confessed to her OEA, sort of, to me. She confessed to two guys that were supposed to be part of a tutoring group that somehow morfed into sexual emails.

I was a fool to believe that. It turned out it was at least a dozen (perhaps dozens) of men and women and it was email, chat and skype and it was no tutoring group, it was Dreambooks and A.M and god who knows what else. She went looking for it. It was no F***ing accident. I undeleted her gmail accounts, read through her web history that she hadn't deleted and found some chats (including one of several thousand lines) with her "partners".

There can be no true healing until the truth is known imo. How can you heal and move on when someone still has something to hide? What happens when you find it out later?

[This message edited by bobf at 11:24 AM, November 25th (Monday)]

undonelife posted 11/25/2013 12:03 PM

I would look too. Work thru the pain. Of course waywards want I move past it, cover up their shame not have to see all over again that they've devastated us!

I wish I had all the texts to comb thru & I'm 1 year out from D-day. I saw a few and it was enough to know he lied to me when I asked questions. I asked for honesty & transparency. He gave me lies.

So I think it's fine it you need to look & relive it & work thru it again.
Hugs

meplusfour posted 11/25/2013 12:19 PM

((TheThreeYearFool))

Have faith that you did the right thing for you. For three years, your WH held back the truth and at one month out, you get to decide what you look at and determine the reality of the situation. No one, especially WH, gets to take that away from you. This is what you gained by looking.

It sounds like your WH is looking towards R with you. If he wants to move towards R, this is his final chance to come clean with all information and proof. It will hurt whenever something new arises, but if you know that it exists beforehand, you will be prepared for the pain. For me, being blindsided, was the worst feeling~the overwhelming disbelief, shocking pain and the lack of control. If you know about it, you will be able to process it. If you WH wants to help you heal, he needs to look beyond his own perspective, swallow his pride and tell you everything that you want/need to know. This is no longer about him, it is about you and the future of your M. He needs to focus on you, and do the hard work to answer your questions and show that he is truly remorseful.

Sending you good thoughts.

Dyinghere posted 11/25/2013 12:31 PM

Actually, I'd give anything to have the deleted emails and texts. I would love to know what they were really saying and doing all that time. I think it would be better to know than to wonder.

trying1 posted 11/25/2013 12:47 PM

I'm so sorry. I found pictures of her hidden on his phone about two months after. It was awful. I still am glad I looked, and confronted him. I had images of them running through my head anyway. The text where I found out is burned into my brain. Should you have looked? If you needed to, you needed to. For me I had to know just how deep the betrayal goes to start to heal.

I am so sorry for your pain.

Lovedyoumore posted 11/25/2013 16:05 PM

It could have been ten years ago for him, but for you, just days ago. If he does not know that, he is still fogged up. How dare he grabbed it from you. How old is he? 12? I know it is painful and sickening, but the truth is, he did it and he should own it. I am sure he would rather you not know, but hell, I am sure you would have preferred him to not cheat.

Put DDay on a calendar. Look back at how long he has had to process his A, from the day it started. Three years? Why don't you deserve at least that much from DDay forward to process? I am 3 years from my first DDay and I am still processing.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 4:07 PM, November 25th (Monday)]

TheThreeYearFool posted 11/26/2013 14:25 PM

Now that I've had some time to process I believe I was right to look at the old texts. Not that it wasn't difficult (and I could have done without the sexual details) but I feel like I need to know the extent of the betrayal to figure out how I will deal with it.

For one thing, it proved that WH either forgot or straight up lied about some things -- OW had been in the house more than twice, for example. In fact she came over the afternoon he had his wisdom teeth out, even though I'd spent all morning with him. And she'd gone to the firing range with him, something he specifically said hadn't happened.

The fact that the A had an emotional component for WH is an important piece of information. Now I need to know why it apparently went away. Like I said before, I have evidence in the form of emails from the OW to WH specifically referring to the fact that WH told her he wasn't going to leave me.

Did he just de-fog as the newness of the A wore off? That might be easier to recover from. Or did he lose interest in OW because she was constantly hysterically crying and arguing with him about him not leaving me? That speaks poorly of his coping skills and doesn't bode well for R.

I had an IC session today which helped me process this as well. I know that if I choose to move on without him, I will be fine.

painfulpast posted 11/26/2013 14:30 PM

That speaks poorly of his coping skills and doesn't bode well for R.

The A speaks poorly of his coping skills, never mind why he got bored with it.

Odds are he didn't like her whining about leaving you. That's not fantasy. That's expectations and real life. That's real emotions and demands. He has that in real life. That isn't what As are for, for most people. For most people they are for the ego boost and the thrill. Having demands made sucks. It isn't fantasy, and it is the opposite of an ego boost. He wasn't her KISA, he was the source of her disappointments.

That'd be my guess. Either way, you already know he has poor coping skills since he dealt with his issues by having an A.

TheThreeYearFool posted 11/26/2013 15:25 PM

I want to send him a version of Joseph's Letter mostly because I do see a hint of remorse peeking out sometimes. He just doesn't get why I need the whole truth.

The A speaks poorly of his coping skills, never mind why he got bored with it.

Yeah, good point.

Both WH and OW are swirling vortices of need in those texts I saw on the old phone. "Tell me you miss me." "I'm not too fat, am I?"

I did have one particularly random thought though when I saw a picture of OW's cleavage featuring an enormous hickey WH had given her. Although she hadn't been diagnosed yet she clearly already had leukemia at that point. But both of their heads were so far up their asses that they didn't realize that bruises like that weren't normal.

loli posted 11/26/2013 15:51 PM

you have absolutely every right to come through old phones, new phones, pc's, ipads, and anything else you can get your hands on to know the truth. I find it hurts horribly at first, but then, there seems to be almost a bit of relief from the blinders we feel we have been wearing during their double life.

My WH had a 6 yr A with OW!! I have access to all of the disgusting emails...and believe me, they are disgusting.

I don't look at them often because it feels like self-torture, but I realized in IC that the reason I keep them (besides,potential legal use of course)is to remind myself how disgustingly disturbed my WH may be and that I need to emotional detach myself from this situation.

If anything, knowing ALL of the truth may help to protect us from the WH.