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marton posted 11/25/2013 05:16 AM

I took the advice I read on here and answered questions BSO asked and the result of truthful answers has been the birth of more triggers. I tell him places I met OM and now we can't drive by without him thinking that I'm having fond memories of A. That is not the case at all. OM is in prison for crimes he committed against us and I truly hate his guts and the only memories I have are bad ones. OM was threatening to tell BSO and blackmailing me etc. etc. After OM finishes current sentence he will face an arson charge (possible taken up by Feds) related to charge he is serving time for now. I pray for god to show him a better way to live so that when he gets out he won't do this to someone else (since this happened I'm pretty sure he is the one who burned my home back in 2005 and another one also) there was a 5-6 year lapse between this and affair (OM was a previous BF) I have even tried to think of good times between us and can't because the bad ones outnumber the good ones 20 to 1. It is hard for me to answer Questions BSO asks because he wants details and I have confessed much already. I should have told him way before events caused me to have to "spill the beans" I had been trying to end affair because it was a living hell. I can see that giving details is causing more pain and problems I am to the point of leaving because I can't stand hurting him any more. He was good to me in everyway while I was cheating. I was a damn fool.

HUFI-PUFI posted 11/25/2013 06:37 AM

marton - the result of truthful answers has been the birth of more triggers.

Yes, its does seem a double edge sword that our truthful answers appear to be the cause of pain. However, what is the alternative? Lie?

Those lies would eventually come out and trickle truth is perhaps more harmful to the chances of reconciliation than the affair is. Its not the first lie that hurts the most, its the continuing lies and distrust.

That is why your being asked to put on your big girl panties and do the right thing by answering your BSO questions when asked. Yes, sometimes those answers create pain but its not less than the pain of continual lies, its just different pain.

Just be honest with yourself. Are you thinking of leaving because your BSO triggers and suffers or are you thinking of leaving because the continual barrage of triggers that your BSO is suffering is hurting your own self image? Is is guilt or shame or fear or simply a desire to leave?

Answer those questions honestly and perhaps, you will be able to see why you are thinking this way.

HUFI

wincings_sparkle - If it hurts, it is something worth looking at. If it makes you angry, it is something worth looking at. If it makes you cry, it is something worth looking at.

BaxtersBFF posted 11/25/2013 07:43 AM

It is often said that it is not the A that kills the M, but that it is the lies that kill the M.

I agree with hufi...you need to look closer at why you really feel like leaving. Is it really to spare him further pain or is it to make things easier on yourself? Even if you leave, you will have some hard work to do. Wherever you run, your problems will follow you.