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Maybe 2x4s coming but feeling relief!

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Raven96 posted 11/25/2013 09:46 AM

Whenever we are out I find myself looking at houses for sale and picturing my daughter and myself living there. WH is doing the absolute minimum amount of work required for R, which is really ticking me off. My gut is quiet, and I do believe he ended his A, but of course it could be underground. He has burned me twice, and I have no doubt he will do it again. There are days I can't even stand to look at him. I tell him he needs to go live his life with the kind of girl he obviously wants to be with, which is the exact opposite of me. He says he's not giving up on us. He forgets he already did when he chose to hurt me again.

I am 7 months out. The HB has ended, and we are right back to where we were pre-A. I have been moody and miserable. I think about his stupid A every waking moment. I am angry that he chose to hurt me after everything I have done for him and our marriage. I am raging at the thought that he shared his most intimate thoughts and feelings with his latest AP, and he NEVER, EVER shared any intimate thoughts with me "because he just isn't that kind of man." I am sick of feeling pathetic for staying. I hate that he tells me he isn't leaving because he loves me and wants to be HERE. I am done with his bullish--.

I am a SAHM and am loving every moment. I do not want to give up this special time with my daughter. This morning I made a plan, and for the first time in a long time I feel relief!! I am going to stay for three more years. What is three more years in the grand scheme of things?? It is three more years of being with my daughter every second (she is 3 years old right now). It is three more years to squirrel away money for a deposit and several months' rent on an apartment to stay in while we sell our house at that time. It is three more years to sort through and separate our things...most of which are combined in boxes in the basement and desperately need to be gone through, but with a three-year-old is very difficult. It is in three more years that my daughter will be in school full-time and will not spend as many hours in a daycare that we agreed we never wanted her to have to be in. It is three more years I can get myself looking smokin' hot (HA! HA!) so that I can move on alone without my excess pounds. It is three more years to psych myself up for this.

A bit excessive time frame? Probably, but giving myself three years to get things in order seems a lot less daunting than the deadline of April 2014 I had originally given myself, and staying for now is doable. Most people here say to take whatever time you need to make a decision. I'm taking all the time I need to IMPLEMENT my decision. For the first time in 7 months I have a clear head and a bounce in my step. I am happy. I feel relief.

I am so thankful to have found this site. Without it, I probably would have just rug-swept again and hoped for the best. Now I realize that unless he deals with and owns his brokenness (he won't) the A's will continue to happen over and over and over again. I'm not going through this ever again with him. He dropped a bomb on me 7 months ago. I have three years to build my bomb.

Thanks for listening. I am so grateful to everyone here!!

headdesk posted 11/25/2013 12:47 PM

That works - for some of us there just isn't a clean cut easy ending. Life has realities. If you are doing what you need to do for her and you, then I feel that you're ok.

StillLivin posted 11/25/2013 13:07 PM

I will keep you in my prayers.
I'm sorry you even have to deal with this. He should have been doing everything you needed for healing the first time around.
Shame on him, but kudos to you. Keep your patience. Sounds like a good plan.

Raven96 posted 11/25/2013 15:29 PM

Headdesk, I certainly didn't mean to imply that this was a clean cut easy ending. I had the pleasure of going through this once before 12 years ago. My daughter is the ONLY reason I'm not kicking myself for not leaving back then, before I had all of these obligations and responsibilities.

I hate that we are all here. I hate that we have to pick up the pieces after being steamrolled by the ones that are supposed to love, honor and cherish us. I stayed the first time, and I NEVER thought he'd do it again.

He won't own it, and he wants to move on from it by promising never to do it again. (He actually says this to me). I am driving myself crazy looking at his phone, checking his whereabouts on Find my iPhone and looking at his computer, knowing full well he is the Master at hiding things. I can't do it anymore. Today I am actually at peace for the first time in a long, long time.

Thanks, StillLiving. I appreciate the prayers.

[This message edited by Raven96 at 3:31 PM, November 25th (Monday)]

headdesk posted 11/25/2013 19:11 PM

Oh, no, I didn't communicate that very well either - I mean more that it is messy as heck. Life is messy. Yet society still contends that it's little neat boxes. Insert tab A stuff.


So do what you need to do. There isn't a script for how to handle this. Hindsight is great and all, but ultimately it doesn't do bunk for the present. You didn't have all of the information then that you do now and frankly you're not the same person.

Raven96 posted 11/25/2013 23:05 PM

I don't think any of us are the same as we were before. It totally sucks, for lack of a better word.

I am just trying so hard, and I am spinning my wheels. I gave myself one year from D-Day to make a decision. I think I've known what the decision ultimately needs to be, so the pressure of being ready to be on my own 5 months from now was stressing me out. Today it hit me that I can take all the time I need in order to be ready. A lot can happen between now and then, but the realization certainly lifted my spirits today. It's been awhile since I've felt that. It makes me feel like I at least have a little control over my life.

headdesk posted 11/26/2013 02:24 AM

Awesome. If those things ever get to overwhelming, break them up into steps. If the steps are still too big, break those up into other steps too. I'm pretty paralyzed some days and I'm peeved that I have this on my plate on top of everything that was already there.

I agree that none of us are the same after this - I think these are those moments that you grow the most even if you also hate them the most. All in all I'm loving who I am becoming even more. I kinda like these boots. I should have hauled them out ages ago - I had opportunity and I chose not to take it. Live and learn.

Ostrich80 posted 11/26/2013 02:42 AM

No 2 x 4 from me. I'm doing the same thing little kids, just waiting for the last one to graduate. I could have gotten through the first DD, I had forgiven him, too soon though because he didn't deserve it. That second DD was the final straw. I didn't leave but.I pulled my heart and tucked it away safely. He's done next to nothing to fix this mess. Ow or no ow, I'm done. For him to continue underground after seeing the devastation just proved he's not ever going to be the man I want. We can always opt out if need be, the timing may not be what we want but I know if things get unbearable I'll figure something out. Good luck

jb3199 posted 11/26/2013 07:00 AM

Why any 2x4s?

You came up with a plan that you feel will be best for you. You also know that you have given yourself the contingencies if changes are made.

What is most important, is that it is a plan that feels right FOR YOU. That is the most important part of this step---you felt you needed a plan, and have come up with one. One that makes sense to you. One that gives you a sense of direction.

Hopefully, things will change for the better along the way. I guarantee that you will start to distance yourself emotionally from your WH, and maybe that is exactly what he needs to wake the hell up. But even if he doesn't, you will still be on your path out of this mess.

Good for you. Don't kick yourself if you feel times of weakness and/or doubt. It is part of the process.

Good luck.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 7:01 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

Raven96 posted 11/26/2013 07:07 AM

Thank you everyone. Ostrich, I think that is what was bothering me the most...that it went underground and I just don't know. My gut is quiet, though, so I do think it is done. Yesterday, when I would start to hurt I just reminded myself of my decision and POOF -- instant "Whatever." I hope you feel that way when you think about your youngest graduating.

What I agonize over is the fact that my gut screamed at me while we were dating, and I didn't listen. My family loved him, especially my mom, who hated every single boyfriend I ever had. I thought I was too paranoid. I will NEVER ignore it again.

Headdesk, I need to borrow your boots!!!! Good idea on the baby steps. I thought I would get 2x4s for deciding to wait 3 years, but really those are my baby steps. Thank you for putting that in perspective for me.

I hate that so many of us are here, but you guys are all ROCKSTARS!!!!

Raven96 posted 11/26/2013 07:21 AM

Thank you jb3199. The emotional distance is definitely what I need. Like I said, I thought the 2x4's would be for taking too long, but you're is a process, just like everything else we have to deal with.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I've been trying not to post too much about me on here, because so many people have it way worse than me, but I was so relieved to realize that I can take as much time as necessary to implement my decision (I was thinking once I made the decision I needed to act immediately), I thought maybe it would help someone else.

[This message edited by Raven96 at 7:23 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

bobf posted 11/26/2013 07:24 AM

Sorry for being a noob, but what does, "2x4s coming" mean?

nowiknow23 posted 11/26/2013 07:29 AM

2x4s are pointed posts from people who disagree with the original poster. If you swing a 2x4 at someone, you are trying to knock some sense into them.

TrustGone posted 11/26/2013 09:49 AM

Do not think you will get 2x4's from any of us. You have made a plan and you will implement it when the time is right for YOU. We all have our own timelines and there is nothing wrong with that. We all have our own reasons for staying after betrayal. Anyone who says otherwise does not live in the real world.

I stayed with WH#1 for almost 22yrs and numerous betrayals. In the meantime, I got a college education and got both of my children in school. When he started his crap the last time, I was finally able to kick him out. By that time I was pretty much emotionally unattached to how he felt about any of it and I finally felt a freedom that I had never know.

Once you have a plan in place it does lift some of the burden off of you. (((HUGS)))

lisaloo posted 11/27/2013 09:44 AM

Definitely no 2x4's here!! It's YOUR plan and if it works for you and DD, then it's perfect...and I am right there with you looking at those houses for sale for DD and myself.

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