This is easily the biggest heartbreak I’ve ever experienced in my life. But there is just no way to fix it. He even said there is no way I’d trust him again, that we’d never rebuild after this, and he’s right. And especially since he’s not willing to fight for us, I certainly can’t fight for this marriage on my own. I give up. I’ve tapped out. There’s nothing more I can do. Lord knows I tried last night. When we talked on the phone, the first time in 3 weeks, he finally started to fall apart; It made me feel kind of good. I actually had to force out my waterworks to match him, just to see if he’d keep it up. And he did. Lol
He cries for himself. Not for me or what he’s done to me. I realize this now. He is only trying to manipulate me and somehow control the flow of the divorce. I can’t allow him to do this to me.
In less than three weeks since my DDay, I have managed the following:
• I’m still breathing and upright
• I moved all his shit out of our room and made it mine the very night I found out.
• I packed his shit and had it ready for him and he has completely moved out within the first week.
• Outted the affair to the OW's husband.
• I secured a lawyer, a therapist, Xanax, and Prozac.
• I managed to get back to work and am improving every day.
• I am floored by the kindness and sweet words of complete strangers here, and just on the street when I make small talk and tell them “Hi. I’m getting divorced!”
• I sleep as much as my body wants and I drink plenty of water.
• I ask for help, something I’ve never done in my entire life.
• I am so very grateful for the friends I have who have literally saved my life that first week.
I might lose the house, but I don't know if I even care anymore. The truth is, I swim in it, but I'll make up my mind later if I want to stay. I don't have to make that decision now.
So all is not lost; obviously today is a good day. This man has brought me the single greatest heartbreak of my entire life. But one thing I know, I’ll never have to worry about him doing it to me again.
[This message edited by Lola7 at 5:42 PM, November 25th (Monday)]