As odd as it feels to talk about this here, I have no one I can talk to who would understand. Plus, the usual person I would talk to would be my mother, but Thanksgiving is a few days from now and I'm trying to keep it together and "be normal" for a few days more. I'm in shock right now. I should be furious and angry, but instead I just feel empty and numb. I've had a gut feeling something was off for a while now. Things have been distant between us and when I'd try to talk about it or say we should get counseling I would get a negative response of what a silly idea that is. We've been together for 10 years, so I'm very aware by now if he's acting strange. He started going to the gym after work, leaving me alone to eat dinner every night for the most part and didn't realize I found it strange that he never broke a sweat for being there for a few hours.
I got an e-mail on Facebook from a woman I've never met telling me she met my husband on a dating/hookup site. She didn't know he was married, he said he was divorced, and was shocked to find me attached to his page. She gave me his information on there, and even though he had deleted his profile I could see his picture and what the profile said from the search. "I'm just looking to hang out with someone who is comfortable in their own skin for a few good times". Wow, more surprises. She said she never did anything with him, flirted heavily with her for a couple of months, but he had talked about dates with other women he'd went on and other things he may or may not have done, but believed there was some truth to it. She'd been on the other side of this before and I did appreciate her letting me know so I could confirm something was up.
I confronted him on it. He said she was crazy ( of course) and wouldn't answer where he knew her from. He also said that someone else must've created that profile for him, because why would he ever do that, he loves me and only me. I called him out on that, because we all know that's not how dating profiles show up. He said it was a mistake and wanted to go to counseling (now that he got caught) and would do anything to fix things. I just feel indifferent right now. I cried, a lot, and I'm starting to feel the anger, and I have no idea what to do. I will go with him to a counselor to at least try, but I don't know what he's done, if there have been other women, I won't get the truth out of him. I'm beyond paranoid right now, and just existing in the same house as him until I can really wrap my mind around things. I really do want to find a way to work things out, but when the trust is gone I can't imagine it coming back any time in the near future.
I guess I just needed to say something and admit that this has happened and it's not all in my mind. Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it.
I'm so sorry you're in this position. It's so hard to imagine our spouses being unfaithful, or wanting another person, and yet, here we are.
First and foremost, the woman that wrote you is a very good person, and as stinging as her messages were, I hope you thanked her. She gave you the truth about your life, something your own husband didn't feel you deserved.
Second, please get an STD test. So many have been diagnosed with HPV after an affair, and it sounds like your H has had at least one, if not more. Please get tested.
You are right - he won't come clean unless he has to. Others here will have better suggestions on that, but I suggest you read the 180 and decide if it could help you. If so, please do it.
Finally, your H should get counseling. Without it, this could and probably will just happen again and again.
I'm so sorry - no one wants this website to exist, but you'll be so thankful that it does.
There are many 'target icon' threads that are helpful too. As you read @ the 180 - keep in mind that it is for you and your healing. It is not a manipulative tool to get the WS to do anything, ok?
I'm sorry he defaulted to lying, and such pathetic ones too! I just think that if he's progressed to dating profiles & no sweat at the gym, you only have the tip of the iceberg. Get full-panel STD tests & don't have sex until he does too. (there's even a valid medical argument for no sex for 6 months, & re-test). I know that's a lot on your plate, I'm so sorry.
It was not a mistake - he's trying to minimize big time, and very importantly -
It is not your fault.
We got your back.
Hitting the tip of the iceberg sucks.
Well done for finding SI, I wish I'd found it sooner, and welcome.
This ride is going to get messy so take the awesome advice offered by Painfulpast and jjct and 180.
The benefits of doing good things for yourself are numerous.
Take care of yourself, eat, drink, sleep.
We don't do 'Thanksgiving' here but I understand that you want to relieve your mother of stress BUT...
if this was your daughter, wouldn't you want to know? Esp if her heart was breaking?
She'll know something is wrong and be saddened that you didn't tell her.
A mother is possibly the strongest substance in the known universe. Let her be there for you, she'll read it all over your face in any case...but by then they'll be other people there. Let your mum do the job she loves to do best, being your mother.
None of this is your fault. He is broken.
Read the healing library to your left. Post often, because the cray, cray lines he's feeding you will exhaust you. Your fellow SI family can help you sort out truth from fiction. We are here to help. And gently, please see a lawyer as soon as possible. It's best to know your options early on.
Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo
Whenever I try to bring up the subject or get upset he gets into super gloomy mode and shuts down. He says he can't be in the room with me when I'm that upset because it hurts him to see me like that and doesn't know what to do. It's always been like this when I'm upset over something. The sad thing is I sit there and try to make HIM feel better. I should just be like "You really hurt me and I'm sorry it upsets you to see me so upset, but you're the reason why, so you're going to have to deal with it." He also said that if I'm never going to trust him and get upset all the time he doesn't know if he can do this. It's been 2 weeks...it's not like trust magically shows back up overnight. He makes sexual remarks too, thinking he didn't do that much wrong since it wasn't a PA, but yeah, 2 weeks in I can 150% say that is not on the list of things happening soon. I still feel like instead of acting so complacent he should be kissing my ass trying to make things right. He did for a few days.
I've been reading the articles, and reading posts on here and it's helped so much. I still deep down feel like it's all my fault. We haven't had a normal relationship in a while, I've had medical issues that cause major problems with intimacy and have been frustrated on my own trying to figure out how to make that better. I'm sure that was a big part of it. We are in different places in our lives, he wants to start a family like yesterday and I've already been resentful because I'm not in a place life/career wise where that would be ok, and he doesn't care about my feelings/major medical concerns on the subject. I just feel like a broken, horrible wife. I love him very, very much and want this to work...I just feel like everything is so one sided for the other person really wanting to work it out.
I know this turned into a venting session (I am in IC btw, have been for a while for dealing with lots of stressful things going on before this even came about), so thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and/or respond. I'm very grateful.
First, I'm so glad you found this site! This is your oasis of help and understanding as well as a font of knowledge about all things "infidelity".
I felt compelled to reply to your post because I see bigger hurts for you further down the road if you don't pull up on the controls.
Whenever I try to bring up the subject or get upset he gets into super gloomy mode and shuts down. He says he can't be in the room with me when I'm that upset because it hurts him to see me like that and doesn't know what to do. It's always been like this when I'm upset over something. The sad thing is I sit there and try to make HIM feel better.
This seems to fall into the category of co-dependency. Boo-hoo, poor him...your legitimate anguish is bringing him down. Shame on you for making him feel bad with the emotions his behavior created in you? Uh-uh.
He also said that if I'm never going to trust him and get upset all the time he doesn't know if he can do this.
Let's see...he blameshifts, doesn't do the hard work and then OF COURSE it's your fault because you don't trust him! Yeah, everyone knows how well rug-sweeping works long-term! Don't accept that, SirenSong, you deserve honesty and remorse.
I still deep down feel like it's all my fault. We haven't had a normal relationship in a while, I've had medical issues that cause major problems with intimacy and have been frustrated on my own trying to figure out how to make that better. I'm sure that was a big part of it. We are in different places in our lives, he wants to start a family like yesterday and I've already been resentful because I'm not in a place life/career wise where that would be ok, and he doesn't care about my feelings/major medical concerns on the subject. I just feel like a broken, horrible wife.
IMHO, he is a broken, horrible HUSBAND for leaving you feeling like your medical issues make it your fault that he cheated or make you a bad wife! Life throws crap at everyone; bad things happen to people and the vows you take when you get married say "in sickness and in health" ...I'm guessing for a reason? If this is who he is, then he may have done you a favor by showing you before something worse came down the pike.
I love him very, very much and want this to work...I just feel like everything is so one sided for the other person really wanting to work it out.
Gently, a question to keep in the back of your mind --to not necessarily answer today or in the next month-- do you love him or the idea of him?
My strongly held belief is that there can be no real and lasting reconciliation without genuine remorse from the WS. I can relate to the woman who contacted you; decades ago I made a phone call to someone to relay that her fiance was actively dating me and would've long-since bedded me were I willing (he'd made that abundantly clear). Of course I had NO IDEA he even had a girlfriend, let alone a fiancee -- right up 'til the day I phoned her. I'm sure I was labelled as "crazy" and a liar and so forth, too...and I know despite the information I gave her, they married about 6 months later. I have a feeling infidelity likely reappeared in her life later down the road, sadly.
The person with the most to work on in IC is the WS, not the BS. Without figuring out why s/he decided it was okay to start drilling holes through the hull of the ship that is your relationship, you're doomed to bail out water with the risk of taking on more at any moment in the future.
Reconciliation after betrayal is a long, hard road. It is not an easy task and there is no easy fix. If your WS continues with his line of thinking, consider it a favor in that he's showing you who he really is. If he maintains he wants to stay together, then you make sure you let him know exactly what your requirements are...starting with full disclosure, full transparency, and IC and MC. Note: this is not "trying to control him" (remorseless WS-speak) but rather you controlling YOU and what you'll accept.