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Hope I handled this ok??

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KJac posted 11/25/2013 18:35 PM

STBX brought home DS17 from his school activity and came in the house to "see if he had any mail here". I stopped him in the entry and brought him the notice for his dogs shots. He then proceeded to start asking me about kids' activities for the week so I said lets step in the garage and discuss this. First thing he notices all of his shit from our bedroom (i.e. the rest of his clothes neatly packed in totes and garbage bags - let me quote him here "what the fuck is that?" To which I responded the rest of the things you left in the bedroom. Another quote - "all of it? are you fucking kidding me?" - I did not respond to this but simply asked him what did he need to talk about, please. Wanted to know what activities I would be attending, I said you don't need to worry about it, he asks well does DD11 need a ride to band concert tomorrow night, I said no, he asks again if I will be attending (DS 16 also has wrestling) and can't I just answer his question - I said I did I told you DD does not need a ride then he says well what if I want to give her a ride I said I have no problem w/that ask her if she'd like to ride w/you (these rides are the ONLY time he sees his kids even though I have told him repeatedly he may come and get them and spend time w/them anytime he wants)

Then he asked if he could have the kids on Thursday (Thanksgiving) to which I responded no you told me you had no plans so I made plans and you were told this more than one time and agreed you would "maybe" take them on Friday so I made no plans w/them for the rest of the weekend that's your time to do what you want w/them. I told him after this we just follow what the guidelines are concerning holidays, etc. that the lawyer(s) set forth... He got pissed and said I thought we were going to do this just between us and be civil about it. I said I am being very civil. (this is laughable since he still hasn't paid a dime in CS for the month but yup asswipe I'm supposed to just deal w/you???)

He then went back into house into DD's room and asked her if she wanted to go to grandpa's for Thanksgiving but the only thing is is he's having it on THURSDAY (DD LOVES her grandpa - he is such a fucking manipulator) at any rate she said well I guess not then. So I just left that as it is, for now. Then he shut her door and proceeded to stand in her room and visit w/her. I let this go on for about 10 minutes then stepped in and quietly asked him to please come and talk to me in private - he said can I when I'm done talking to DD and I quietly but firmly said no, now. He came out in the entry w/me and I quietly told him he needs to leave NOW. I said this is MY home right now and you are disrespecting me and my boundaries and it stops now. If you'd like to spend time w/DD she has not had supper yet and by all means take her out for a bite, or a drive, or whatever but you need to leave my home now. So he goes back in DD's room, says I guess I have to leave now, and kisses her goodbye.

Since he did not invite her to do anything I am going to assume that he really wasn't interested in spending time w/his daughter but was simply trying to manipulate the situation, disrespect me, and just generally try and piss all over me some more. I just can't stand his fucking games anymore!!

I matter-of-factly told DD she's absolutely more than welcome to hang w/her dad anytime but he doesn't live here anymore and he and I agreed that he also would not "hang out" here anymore so he was being disrespectful to me by doing so. It sucks I know, I'm sorry that this sucks right now but things will get better. Asked her if she was doing/feeling ok and then left her be.

He was calm but very angry when he left. I remained calm, cool, and collected the whole time but will admit I am worried and a bit scared that he will try to retaliate. He can be very passive/aggressive and he very much likes to be in control.

Take2 posted 11/25/2013 18:41 PM

Well I think you handled this swimmingly! Nice job!! Now go hang up a dart board - fish out a picture and have at him. Asking if she wants to go to Thanksgiving after you told him no because he didn't plan it!! What an ass!

sunsetslost posted 11/25/2013 18:43 PM

Standing ovation.

KJac posted 11/25/2013 18:48 PM

Thank you thank you thank you for your reassurances!! Although its also scary, it feels good to take some of my power back. It also is eye-opening though at just how manipulated and controlled I was by STBX for SO MANY YEARS.

phmh posted 11/25/2013 18:54 PM

Great job -- it will get easier!

One thing to remember is that when you say something, you need to follow through. (I say this not because of anything you said/did, but because he sounds like a passive-aggressive manipulative asshole who is going to test your boundaries.)

If he's not allowed in the house anymore (hopefully you have some sort of legal documentation to back this up?) don't let him in. Change the locks. Remember that you can't reason with an unreasonable person, so bite your tongue and rant away here instead!

It will help your healing the more NC you can be with him.

You've got this.


KJac posted 11/25/2013 20:13 PM

@phmh - I have struggled to follow through in the past but am working hard to overcome this - my biggest "victory" was after DDay#4 in August when I kicked him out and STUCK to it for 74 days of falseR - pissed him right off and then he was "done" as I would not waiver on my boundaries/requirements - which by the way weren't unrealistic i.e. total disclosure of all infidelities (he couldn't even be honest about the latest), spend quality time w/kids (be an actual parent), contribute around the house (i.e. pick up your shit when you've spent the evening w/the kids at the house while I was at work), and of course NC w/any other women which he TOLD me he wasn't but would do NOTHING to prove it (phone records, etc.) I was just supposed to BELIEVE HIM when he told me this - I recently found evidence that of course he was lying (hotel room charge on his bank statement dated during a time when he was SO VERY SERIOUS about "fixing" himself/our marriage), and finally, quit drinking - the ONLY thing he did was quit drinking and spend a bit more time w/kids (at my house of course and that very quickly dwindled down to not at all) - but I said he would NOT be moving back in until these issues were dealt w/+ IC/MC ... he could only fake it for 74 days and then I/our family was just not worth the effort any more. His stupidity. And ultimately it is his loss. Cause we/I am so worth it dammit. Still hurts though.

The house situation is a precarious one for me, unfortunately. It is provided through his job and so far we just have a verbal agreement that I will stay here w/the kids until I can figure out something else. It is the kids' home, we've been here 10+ years. His boss has said in the past that as long as STBX works for him it is his and he doesn't care who lives there, STBX has told me he spoke w/him and this is the status quo. I have a very relationship w/STBX's boss, he's a family man and I actually grew up w/his stepdaughters and have remained good friends w/them and their families - I also know some "under the table" business dealings that have gone/go on and boss is aware of this. Never-the-less I am no fool and do have an appointment w/attorney tomorrow to see what we can do about getting something on paper.

I also have an application to apply for housing once I get a temporary CS order because I do need to get out of this house. STBX uses it to control/manipulate me so I will vacate as soon as I can. In the meantime I use his IC's words about disrespecting me (as she has told him he [obviously] has no respect for women) and gently but firmly remind him we don't want to make a "scene" in front of kids and lets please not make this any worse for them than it already is. *sigh* I pray this keeps working until I can get out of here

KJac posted 11/25/2013 20:16 PM

whoops - *good* relationship w/his boss

Nature_Girl posted 11/25/2013 21:53 PM

You're like The Goddess Of Handling It OK!!!

Pass posted 11/25/2013 22:36 PM

You handled that like a rock star, KJac. You should be very proud!

5454real posted 11/25/2013 22:45 PM

Well done!

Thought you'd beat me to it NG! end t/j

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:48 PM, November 25th (Monday)]

WeepingBuddhist posted 11/26/2013 07:14 AM

Good for you! How hard it must be to be so mature with such a manipulative troll. your kids may not realize it, but they are lucky lucky lucky.

KJac posted 11/26/2013 08:51 AM

I'm just so tired of dealing w/him. I wish he would just go away. Every time I have to deal w/him (and I am as much NC as possible right now so its usually at least a few days in between having to see him and at this point I return zero calls and almost no texts) it takes a day or two for me to "recover". I am sick to my stomach, agitated, anxious, frustrated, lonely, angry, and just so very sad.

When I see him I feel "contaminated", violated, and he makes me feel like I've done something wrong. Like I'm being a bitch because I won't let him be w/his kids. When he pulls this shit (goes between cold, detached anger to this poor, sad, puppy dog) I remind him "you did this, your choices, not mine" - but I think sometimes I need to remind myself more than him because a. he is a blamer and takes no responsibility for it anyway and b. he truly is a heartless bastard who DOES NOT CARE about anyone but himself - this fake crap w/his kids is more about trying to make himself look good and me bad - REALITY: I have repeatedly made it clear that he can have/see kids anytime he wants just NOT in MY home

I am very nervous about meeting w/attorney today. I am terrified he is going to tell me I am screwed. I will get nothing. I keep hearing what STBX told me when he decided he was "done" - he's going to show me. He's not so bad. I didn't have it so bad and now I'll see what its really like w/out him. I know REALITY is: he has NEVER really "been" here, I've been single parent for 17 years, ran the house myself, worked, blah blah blah but its SO hard to get his voice out of my head. I don't feel strong.

WeepingBuddhist posted 11/26/2013 09:05 AM

Anyone who was able to deal with him in such a respectful mannerwhen was in YOUR HOUSE being a dick is strong as hell. Your attorney will guide you and help you find a path that works. You've got your feet on the ground and your head on straight.

GabyBaby posted 11/26/2013 10:56 AM

You handled that like a rock star!!

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