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Brokengirl01 posted 11/25/2013 19:00 PM

I'll try to shorten my story, but this might be long. I've decided to post on here as some sort of therapy. I need to get it all out and maybe with your help I'll start to understand why I did what I did. I am 31 and have been with my husband for a total of 10 years. 3 out of the 4 years of my marriage, I was deep in an emotional and physical affair. I guess I'll start at the beginning. I met my AP when I was 21 at a college conference. For me it was LOVE at first sight! He was the most gorgeous man I'd ever met. He was confident, charming, funny and surprisingly he was interested in mee. We hooked up and spent most of that weekend together and when it was time to return home, we exchanged phone numbers. I was in CA, he in NY! I was completely in LOVE, I don't know why, but I had never felt that way for anyone in my life. I thought we'd be in a relationship but every time I tried to make contact he would blow me off and I was heartbroken. He obviously did not feel that way about me and I had been just a random girl he hooked up with. We did however remain in contact over the years. A flirty hello here and there via text or chat, but nothing serious.

Shortly after meeting him, I met my husband and we dated for 6 years. We had a very rocky relationship. My hubby had a very short temper, and would at times become aggressive and scary. He never hit me, but I was at times scared of him! In fights he would yell and throw things and I would go into survival mode and keep quiet and I would eventually be the one to say I'm sorry. In these moments I would say to myself how much I hated him! But each time he swore and swore he would change. Over the years, he matured a lot and slowly he did change and our fights were few and far between. We had been through so much and I we did love each other, so eventually I moved in and we got married. That first year however was very tumultuous. As soon as I moved in, his cousin moved in because he needed a place to stay and what was supposed to be our honeymoon stage, turned into a very lonely year for me. He spent most of his time with his cousin, playing video games or just hanging out. I was just off to the side feeling very neglected. I told him this, but it made no difference, to him, I was just being very needy and clingy. My marriage was not what I expected and I was miserable.

Then one morning, I awoke to an email from AP. He said, hi beautiful, I'll be in your town in a couple weeks, would love to see you. And the rest is history! I was in a full blown affair for 3 whole years! My OM pursued me endlesslyy, seduced me, charmed his way back into my heart and I became his willing victim. I wanted to feel wanted by him, I needed him to want me. It was like, him wanting me validated me. If he wanted me, it meant I was beautiful, valuable! I romanticized it all! He led me to believe that he loved me and I was planning my escape. Then one day he said he found someone and she was having his child, but he would love if I could still remain in his life. I realized then and there what I was to him, nothing but free ass! I'm broken! This is the beginning to my journey in healing myself

SurprisinglyOkay posted 11/25/2013 19:16 PM

Hello, and Welcome to SI!

Check out the Healing library on the top left corner of the page.

So my question for you is, Does your Husband know of your affair?

The consensus around here is to tell our partners.

have you gone NC (no contact) with OM? Or is he still in your life?

I'm going to bump up a few threads for you to check out.

Once again welcome, I'm sorry you're here, but this a great place to start your healing.

breakingpoint posted 11/25/2013 20:12 PM

So glad that you took the step to write. I have no words of wisdom, and many of the same questions that broevil asked.

But I do want to add that one of the things that made me vulnerable to an A, was a feeling of neglect in my relationship. This doesn't excuse our poor choices, but just wanted you to know that for women this is a common predecessor to straying.

Good luck "cleaning up the mess." Its hard work, and there are no promises on fixing a marriage, but you can heal as a person and be more stable and emotionally healthy than you were.

BaxtersBFF posted 11/25/2013 21:51 PM

So, you have been dumped twice now by the same OM. You've been used. You've been taken advantage of.

But, you also made the choice to go down that road. Even though your initial contact with the guy was prior to you meeting your H, and you knew that he was just using you to hook up for the weekend, you stayed in contact with the guy for 6 years. Did your H know about this contact? Was it an emotional affair? Or was there a physical component? Why would you have kept in contact with this guy if you knew he had just used you before?

And then, even though your married life wasn't what you were expecting, rather than leaving, you had an A and developed an exit plan. What prevented you from leaving without having the OM as a cushion? Why couldn't you do it on your own?

Sorry for all the questions...welcome to SI.

Brokengirl01 posted 11/26/2013 09:04 AM

Thank you for responding. Yes, my husband knows about my affair. After I ended it with OM, I fell into a depression and I was a mess and I couldn't hide it from him anymore. The shame and guilt was too much, that one day in a fit of rage, I threw it in his face that I had cheated! We separated for a while but I'm back home now and we are trying to work on us, but we are not really speaking. I am really trying to pick up the pieces of my life.

@baxtersbff, I know NOW, that I was being used by other man, but I didn't see it that way while it was happening. I thought that if I responded to the sexting and all the text messages, he would eventually fall in love with me, but he never did. As far, as to why I didn't just leave my husband in the first place, I'll be honest. I'm a major conflict avoider and leaving on my own sounded scary. I thought that if I at least had OM, it would make it easier.
My hubby is no longer that hot tempered man he was in the beginning and his cousin no longer lives with us, he's actually pretty amazing now, so I am struggling with what I did. Just by rereading my post I can see that I sound very selfish and that if only I would have tried communicating better to my husband , maybe I wouldn't have strayed.

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