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Newest Member: BrnEyes777 (45750)

User Topic: Does he really know what he is missing? I wonder...
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night both DDs and I were just being silly - having a marshmallow war, DD17 was trying to tackle DD22 for the sole purpose of popping her toes and grossing her out, mocking hash tags with our own hash tag conversation, etc. It was just absolute silliness, but absolutely WONDERFUL! Laughter filled the house and smiles were rampant. Loved every moment of it!

After it was all said and done, and I was picking up marshmallows from every nook and cranny in the living room (happily so), I couldn't help but wonder how XPOS could walk away from this silliness and love so easily. Does he ever think about it at all? I don't know. And really I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe, he never really "saw" it for what it was which may make it easier to walk away from it. Those moments are true gifts to me, and I will forever cherish those moments. I could never walk away from that willingly. So maybe he truly doesn't recognize those moments for what they really are...

Just a little ruminating. My conclusion? His loss, regardless!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1263 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think they know what they are missing. Of course, being the cowards that they are, our Ex-waywards would never admit to knowing it.

I am content knowing I am enjoying the family life I have with all 3 of my children. He gets to see 1 of our kids, EOW.



divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Thefly559
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same as I went on vacation with them alone and we had a blast!! how ? why? but these answers will never come. I have accepted that. I hear you and I agree


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 709 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
wontdefineme
♀ 31421
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These broken people were always on the outside looking in and never belonged in the first place. That is why they detached so easily, they either didn't feel like they were good enough or just were too scared to belong to people who could hurt them. Mine didn't belong with us, didn't get in the fun, didn't play the games, didn't get those TV shows we all liked. So yes they miss us, miss the fun they were seeking and didn't know the answer to life was right under their noses,

Posts: 2181 | Registered: Mar 2011
blue8888
♀ 40896
Member # 40896
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXWH has never seen what he has. He always sees what he doesn't. He has always been completely blind to what is right in front of him and doesn't get how special little moments like what you described are. Keep enjoying all those moments, most definitely his loss!


Me- BW 31, WH- 29
M 11 yrs Together 13
2 kids (special needs)
Last Dday 9/26/13 EA w/ 19 yr old OW, too many prior EAs to list, one he kissed
Divorcing
My value hasn't decreased based on his inability to see my worth.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine didn't belong with us, didn't get in the fun, didn't play the games, didn't get those TV shows we all liked

You just described my XPOS! You may be on to something here!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1263 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
dindy
♀ 38424
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure ex realises what he is missing, his kids. It's me he couldn't give a shit about.

But, I get these moments all the time and even though our relationship wasn't perfect, I was the one who always spoke from my heart and wanted us to be happy.

I'm so thankful that I get to see my children for 5 days per week.

I was willing to fight for these moments as a family but he wasn't.

I guess we will never understand what it is like to be broken.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that those who walk away are never really satisfied with anything, ever. They are constantly trying to fill that vacant spot in their black souls, but they don't realize that whatever they are searching for, they will never find.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3493 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder the same thing,, and I have concluded that XWH didn't realize what 'family" is all about --- the fun/bonding you just described.

Also, I'll never understand how a person can be so into themselves that they permanently scar their very own children --- and then rationalize that the kids will be ok "if I let them live with him"...

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 5:34 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2325 | Registered: Jan 2012
allatsea
♂ 38923
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spare a thought for the few of us who did get what that was all about but the WS took the kids and left the BS behind so not only are we lonely and missing those wonderful moments it was not our choice, but theirs.


You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it

Posts: 740 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
lost4now
♀ 21634
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXH never really was fully present when the "fun" was happening. He didn't like the noise and rarely participated in the silly times. His loss!!!!! He never really valued what family meant and what LOVE really is.

I am so glad you are enjoying your children. It truly is a blessing to feel unconditional love and to receive it! We are the lucky ones!!!

I hope you enjoy many many more of those times! I cherish every minute of it!!!


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Sal1995
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't help but wonder how XPOS could walk away from this silliness and love so easily.

You just nailed it. This is the biggest reason I'm struggling to separate from my cheating wife. If your XPOS doesn't get what he's missing, I feel bad for him. Something is missing in his soul.

Those moments are true gifts to me, and I will forever cherish those moments.

You sound like a nice person and a great mom. His loss, indeed. On several levels.


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1487 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
alwaysstressed
♀ 41272
Member # 41272
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. for this post. My XWH sounds so much like the ones described here. I don't think he ever realized what being "happy" meant. I know that after 24 years of marriage, he never understood that moments like you describe with your kids are what happiness really is.

My DD (21) is off at college and my DS (17) is only with me 50% of the time, which sux. I have 1 year before he goes off to college and I feel my XWH is stealing some of the precious moments I have with him before he leaves.


Me: 50 (BS)
Him:50 (WH)
Married:24 years
2 kids DS 18 and DD 21
DDay 5/7/13 out of nowhere
Divorce final on 10/20/13

Posts: 22 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: PA
Lostandpregnant
♀ 41433
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night I was laying in bed, with my warm, cuddly toddler snuggled into me kissing me and telling me how much she loves her Mama.
My unborn twins were having a wrestling match and kicking like crazy.
All I could think of was..how could he not have fought for this? How could he give this up? I look at our daughter..she's so beautiful and lovely..how could he not fight for our family?
How can he be with *her* and feel even half of what he could have with a family that loves him?

I get it how you feel. I truly do. My only conclusion is that the need to be away from..us..was stronger than their desire to keep the rest of the good :(


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
hopeandchange
♂ 33287
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW cheated and I am the one who will lose these daily moments with my kids

H&C


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 408 | Registered: Sep 2011
Sal1995
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it how you feel. I truly do. My only conclusion is that the need to be away from..us..was stronger than their desire to keep the rest of the good :(

I've reached the same conclusion.

WW cheated and I am the one who will lose these daily moments with my kids

Yep. I struggle with this daily. She gets to have her fun, blow up the marriage, and then basically say, "just leave if you can't handle it." It's not fair. Whoever said life was fair?


Me (BS)-46, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1487 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
MakingLemonade
♀ 41143
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that those who walk away are never really satisfied with anything, ever. They are constantly trying to fill that vacant spot in their black souls, but they don't realize that whatever they are searching for, they will never find.

You've got my XWH pegged, sparkysable.

(((allatsea))), (((Sal1995))), and other (X)BSs who don't have full custody of their kids,

Gosh! I do hurt for those of you who did not wreak this havoc in your M but are now missing the bulk of time with your kids. Cruel twist to the situation.


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
IrishLass518
♀ 34373
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to ask xWH all the time about that huge hole in the middle of him that nothing ever filled. Nothing was ever enough. He always wanted more yet he would put others down for trying to keep up with the Jones' IYKWIM. There were moments of gratitude and enjoyment of an accomplishment but they quickly gave way to dissatisfaction because the shine had worn off of whatever it was, then what he had was just a POS. I swear the depreciation rate of his life was worse than a brand new auto going off the lot.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1800 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
whatdoto
♀ 28555
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XWH sure does know what he's missing now. While we were married he was always outside doing his own thing. Never spent much time with DS really.

His character is damaged. His reputation as a "nice guy", dust in the wind. So much so, he has literally double locked every single door at the farm. He's become a hermit. He's ashamed for what he has done I'm sure. He barely talks to anyone. Eats, sleeps goes to work and drinks when he gets home. He's given up calling DS several times per week. He's lonely. He's alone.

All the while, DS and I have a blast every night. We kid around, eat supper together, play with the dogs, play phone games, fixing up his man cave, talk about life and the world. We hug all the time. DS tells me how much he loves me and I tell him the same. I take him to school and pick him up every.single.day. DS has his friends over quite a bit. Last weekend he had 2 friends over for the weekend. That's the most cooking I've done in quite a while. How much do you feed 3- 200 lb.+ 15 year old boys? ALOT! Geez. But we had so much fun.

XWH, well, he's MIA. Always was.

((hugs)) to you all!


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((allatsea))), (((Sal1995))), and other (X)BSs who don't have full custody of their kids,

Gosh! I do hurt for those of you who did not wreak this havoc in your M but are now missing the bulk of time with your kids. Cruel twist to the situation.

I second that! My heart truly goes out to those that miss those moments with their kids because of someone else's horrific choices in life. There is a special place in hell for a parent that would inflict that kind of emotional damage on their children and the other truly loving and involved other parent!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1263 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Topic Posts: 25
Pages: 1 · 2

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