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myowndystopia posted 11/25/2013 22:44 PM

So we have very little communication. He did send me a text last night. (I finally moved to a different bedroom). Basically it was the same thing- he is so unhappy, not enough physical relationship and I've just pushed him away. I have very little real proof of an A. But something is definitely there. He won't discuss A with me and says its inappropriate for us to talk about that. His phone is locked and he won't show it to me and says why do I want to do that to myself. And I get the frequent I don't want to hurt you, I love you but I'm not in love with you. I have 4 years (yes 4 yrs) of notes of strange things that just don't make sense (texts, behaviors, things he's said)

Our kids are older but haven't said anything but they know. My 19 yr old son sent me flowers at work today.... They know! Like I needed another reason to cry!!!! It was heart wrenching to know that he could see my devastation - I know they are going to start asking questions soon. I'm trying to prepare for that. I want to be able to carry on a conversation with them WHEN they ask without crying like a blubbering fool.

I am reading the Not Just Friends book- most of what I've read so far could have been taken right from our conversations! I'm just not sure about my step here. I go Wednesday for std testing, working on financial things, and have names of lawyers- just getting the nerve up to call and get a consult appointment! I am in IC but he has declined MC. So what's next?

Tearsoflove posted 11/26/2013 00:15 AM

People can be unhappy but that doesn't give them an excuse to have an affair. There a million other things he could have done that didn't involve compounding the problem by bringing a third person into it and betraying you in the worst way possible.

Until he takes responsibility for his choice to have an affair rather than work on the marriage, the other bedroom is where you should stay. Read in the healing library. There are resources there to help you deal with things.

It was very sweet of your son to send you flowers. I remember when I found out about my husband's first affair. My sister send me a beautiful flower arrangement unsigned. I didn't know who sent it and drove myself mad. I didn't know if someone was toying with me or my husband was trying to be thoughtful or what. When I mentioned it to my sister, she apologized and told me she thought I would know they were from her. Sometimes the most thoughtful gestures can send us over the edge. Your son's heart is in the right place.

crazynot posted 11/26/2013 00:50 AM

So sorry for you ((()))... and apart from the fact that your H doesn't admit the affair, you could be living my life of 4 years ago. My kids were 14 and 18 and I'd been married 24 years. I don't know what advice to give you except perhaps to get what people here call your 'bitch boots' on. Giving you all that ILYBINILWY stuff when you've spent a quarter of a century looking after him and bringing up his kids. It's pathetic. The pain is enough to make you lose your sanity. The only thing is, it DOES go away. In my case, the marriage ended and that was the best thing that could have happened. For others, the pathetic waste of human skin comes to their senses and is lucky enough to have a spouse generous enough to allow them back. Whatever happens, lean on your kids and your friends, ignore HIM and probably even better, kick him out for now - he's not fit for decent human company if he's willing to muck about with his wonderful family. If you were to ask my STBX, he'd say how HUGELY he regrets the pain he caused. He's still with the woman, of course. The thing that makes me convinced that yours is a lying cheating cheater from cheatsville is that business with the phone. Faithful partners casually leave their phones lying around, give them to their spouses to play with, whatever. My husband's phone was physically bonded to him during the A so that he could receive the 60+ texts a night from his mad bunny-boiling bitch. Honestly, these people are PATHETIC, and it's fear of getting old that makes them do this - that's all. They look in the mirror at their pouchy, middle-aged faces and feel an onrush of self-pity that makes them lurch towards some pathetic little person who's willing to make goo-goo eyes at them. Poor them. Poor us, and poor kids - but we survive. You will survive this, and him, and be happy and strong. Just get all the help you need to get you through this point. See a lawyer and get a red-hot therapist.

myowndystopia posted 11/26/2013 19:45 PM not to take you literally but maybe Black Friday should include a little retail therapy for me for a new pair of boots! Some that bring out the inner bitch in me!

He's has just let me know he will be spending Thanksgiving at our lake house. Looks like it will be a table for 2 here. Me and my 15 yr old daughter. We will be doing a post Thanksgiving on Sunday with all 4 kids and spouses/girlfriends. He will be back for that. Also suggested we talk about rest of holiday season. Communication is not his strong suit-so we will see.

crazynot posted 11/27/2013 00:02 AM

Sorry if I came across a bit strong!!! I would, yes, very strongly suggest a trip to the boot shop... and hope all goes well for you this weekend. Keep in touch xx

Lalagirl posted 11/27/2013 08:31 AM

its inappropriate for us to talk about that

Translation = I'm an ass and I can't admit it to you.

It's inappropriate to have an A...guess he doesn't get that. SMH.

Bitch boots & 180 sweetie. I don't know your sitch about you kicking him out, but if you are able, I would do it in a heartbeat. Hefty bag his shit and tell him to go to fantasyland.

I'm so sorry...big hugs...

phmh posted 11/27/2013 13:31 PM


I just want to let you know that you will get through this. I know when I was as close in as you are, I thought that my life was over and that I'd never find happiness again.

But take the advice here, start focusing on yourself, do the 180, etc. It's tough, but you are strong and you will get through this.

Make Thanksgiving with your 15 year old the best dinner of the year so far!

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