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Relief vs Devastation

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ichoosejoy posted 11/26/2013 00:58 AM

Well my WH just left my house after signing all the papers. This is not what I wanted. But the TT has been unbearable. I cannot believe the man I married. I guess I never knew him. I will never know how many women there have been, for how long he has been doing this, what else he has done behind my back. The only thing I know is he is a pathological liar. Finally admitted to it. I KNOW I need to get away from him and while I am so relieved to be able to go file these stupid papers, it doesn't make it any less devastating. I am so ready to move on with my life and be a better person, someone he will always regret f***ing over, but I am still so sad at what my life has become. How did it get here? How are some people so deceptive!? My counselor said he had never met ANYONE in his career as talented at lying as my WH.
I just don't understand if there were A's before we were even engaged WHY did he ask? Why did we get married? Why any of this?!? Anyone here ever wish that your life just never happened? All the happy memories I thought I could hold on to have been ripped away by all the TT. There is nothing left.

I am just blabbering now, but that is how I feel. So confused, so many emotions, can't keep track, can't keep stable, ready to move on but mourning what I had. Well, what I thought I had

Trying2Survive1 posted 11/26/2013 02:14 AM


Thoughts and prayers are with you.

SBB posted 11/26/2013 02:28 AM

((Ichoosejoy)) if you read my posts a year ago they were saying much the same thing.

I'm mourning the man I thought I married even though he never existed. I'm still dripping with regret about choosing so poorly for my girls. The fraud was played for so long and so convincingly that I continued I gaslight myself for many years beyond him bothering to keep up the act.

He begged me to have children - he knew I was terrified of beings single mum. He swore on our then not yet conceived children's heads that he would never do that to me. He again swore on my first child's head when she was a year old and I asked him if he was cheating.

I'll never understand why or how they could do this but I will say right now that it won't always hurt this much. I promise. I now see his complete lack of remorse as a gift, it forced my hand long before I had the strength or courage to free myself.

Please know you are not alone. Keep reading, keep posting. Be gentle with yourself.

[This message edited by SBB at 2:40 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

allatsea posted 11/26/2013 09:50 AM


I now see his complete lack of remorse as a gift, it forced my hand long before I had the strength or courage to free myself.

I love this quote. Can I use it, please?
It is so true

sleepless34 posted 11/26/2013 13:49 PM


My therapist told me the same thing, "Be happy you are getting away from this person who is in such a deep, dark hole. You are at such a higher level, he could never get there with you. You deserve so much better."

It is true. Some people are good at being liers and convincing themselves and others that they are decent humans. Good people,like you or me, they think the best of people they love...and aren't capable of what these F**kers are capable of, so it isn't conceivable.

He probably wanted to be the man you thought he was....and failed.

So sorry, I feel exactly the same way. I am in a world of shit now due to my choices in a mate and father of my children. I keep wondering what I did to deserve this or how I could have not seen the signs earlier. My therapist said it wasn't anything I did. Strong women, good people, they see the best in others and they fill in the blanks for the weaker person because they have so much more to give. It is not bad to be good!

Some days I feel so damn bad my heart hurts, but today I actually feel good despite how terrible my situation is at the moment because my happiness comes from within...I did nothing wrong and karma is going to take care of this crap!

SBB posted 11/26/2013 14:46 PM

I love this quote. Can I use it, please?

Of course! I stole it from here.

He probably wanted to be the man you thought he was....and failed.

He was the closest he's ever going to get to the man we both hoped he would be during those first few years of our M. I chose to focus on his potential, not on who he was. Like the line in the Karen Manning book:

“And there my dear Fio, you make one of Womankind's greatest mistakes: falling in love with a man's potential. We so rarely share the same view of it, and even more rarely care to achieve it. Stop pining for the man you think I could be - and take a good, long, hard look at the one I am.”

Strong women, good people, they see the best in others and they fill in the blanks for the weaker person because they have so much more to give. It is not bad to be good!

Amen, sister. Amen.

ichoosejoy posted 11/26/2013 14:58 PM

He just had everyone in his life fooled. At least I can rest in the fact that I wasn't stupid and blind. He was perfect. Everyone thought he was perfect. I want to run across the universe with a megaphone yelling to everyone who he really is. He does not only get away with everything he does, he comes out on top. He still has his job where he makes twice as much as me and his bills that are half as much as mine. He has his little 19yr old f*** buddy (cuz that's all she is to him, disgusting). He has all his friends that just pretend he hasn't done anything. AND he has modelin offers now in CA. What!?!? He is happier with his body than he has ever been. It's so gross!! Meanwhile I have my job where I make half as much, my bills that are twice as much, no one to love me or to be physical with, I got in a car accident, then fell and busted my knee, then got a concussion, then got a UTI... In a week!!! Whyyyyyyy????

God, Karma, the Universe, whoever is going to punish this man needs to pick up the f***ing pace!

jemimapd posted 11/26/2013 15:58 PM

ic, give it time.

I could have written every single word of your post. Every word. I feel conned, used, manipulated and the word betrayed doesn't even come close.

My hearing is tomorrow. Right now I just want out. I think I married someone so dark and twisted I can't wrap my head around it - and I thought he was this great guy, soulmate, honorable person, all round catch.

How wrong was I? As wrong as it is possible to be.

gardens64 posted 11/26/2013 16:24 PM

Hugs. It is an awful awful feeling.

Nature_Girl posted 11/27/2013 01:56 AM

I used to see stories in the news about a wife who finds out some shocking secret about her husband. She'd tearfully claim she didn't know WTF was going on, he'd hid it from her, yadda yadda yadda.

Honestly, I always looked down on those women. Come on, what kind of idiot wouldn't know THAT about her husband? Certainly I was superior to her in intelligence, acuity, and a savvy ability to not be made a fool of.

And then my world came crashing down & I realized that I was one of those women.

I had been fooled. In many instances I was complicit in the deception because something was off, or maybe I knew the truth but he was gaslighting so strong I fell into deliberate stupor. In other areas, OMG, the level of deception was truly frightening.

Oh, I'll never know the whole story. The thought that there's more I don't know makes me sick to my stomach.

Thefly559 posted 11/27/2013 05:13 AM

I feel your pain and I know it well. We will be in a better place soon and be reflecting on these moments as gifts sbb said it best , the decision's are hard at these times but no remorse definatly forces our hand and allows us to go through the process faster I think. Maybe even less pain in the long run. I like to think it is like ripping the band aid off your skin fast ! As opposed to slow. You will be fine , focus on yourself and the things you can control. Success is the best revenge. All the best to you. Keep posting

Lola7 posted 11/27/2013 13:27 PM

Yep me too. My husband was "perfect". Bought me flowers all time, told me he loved me every day, rubbed my back at night, had a great sex life. All our friends would say what a great match we were. He likes to fancy himself this fine, proud military vet, when in reality, he's a shark waiting to bite into the next piece of flesh.

He cheated on me when things were GOOD. I can't imagine what he's capable of if they were bad. I don't even want to know. I'll be filing for divorce this January. I don't want to know anything else about him.

erzulie posted 11/27/2013 15:35 PM

Wow - this thread has been inspiring for me.

Why inspiring? Because I realize my story is not so unique after all.

Gifted liar. Multiple affairs. Cheated when things were good (things were always good). Painted himself the highly ethical person - military vet, strong moral compass, the works.

I, too, will never know the true depths of depravity his affairs cascaded into ... how many women, how often, etc. etc.

Here is the good news, folks. These people that we were married to have to live with themselves. We, however, do not. We have the gift of truth and the freedom it is wrapped in.

This season, I am choosing to focus on being thankful for that. I hope you all can find a way to do that, too.

((((group hug))))

ichoosejoy posted 12/1/2013 15:55 PM

Well it is another one of those devastating days. I feel no relief today, only sadness. I feel like all I can say to people sometimes is "I'm so sad" but sad does not hold enough weight to describe the feeling.

I have a friend who works out at the gym he works at and she gives him hell for how fugly the girl is he cheated with, cuz she's nasty and looks like a child (well she is 19). But anyway, she tells him how ugly she is and how if he really needed to cheat it could have at least been someone hot with a good body and blah blah blah. And he cracks up... He LAUGHS about how the girl he cheated with is fugly and doesn't even stick up for her. That is disgusting!! On the one hand it makes me so happy to not be with him becuase I would never want someone to be talking about me like that behind my back but then f***ing me whenever he wants, but on the other hand it makes me so sad because he is treating the whole thing like a joke. This is not a joke!!! I was (and still technically am) his wife and he cheated (and still technically is)!

And he told her he likes what he is doing because he can just be with her when he wants and not when he doesn't want. There is no commitment, but he still doesn't have to feel lonely and gets sex whenever HE wants it... It is so hurtful to know he is saying he likes this. He is just so much happier since leaving me. I'm sorry, was my loving him everyday so horrible for him?! How could she possibly make him happier?! I mean I know he is a compulsive liar and he could definitely be miserable and putting on a show. That's what I'd like to believe, but I just don't know.

I want everyone to just stop telling me anything about him. I need to start living life without him and everything I find out just hurts more, but somehow it always ends up making me miss him more. UGH basically I'm a mess!

erzulie posted 12/1/2013 17:31 PM

This is what I tell myself - and it helps immensely.

If I met WH today - and knew everything about him that I now know - would I be attracted to him in the slightest? Give him the time of day, any of my energy, much less any portion of my heart?

Easy answer. HELL NO. I would run for the hills and not look back.

When people show you who they really are ... believe them.

This man is not worth your time, your energy, and certainly not one fraction of your heart.

So sayeth me.

Pass posted 12/1/2013 21:05 PM

Relief vs Devastation: I hear you. I can turn on a dime from feeling one of those to feeling the other. Hell, I can feel them both at the same time. I'm that good!

But as the months slide by, Devastation starts to noticeably make fewer and fewer appearances.

We'll all get there eventually. Even you!

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