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wee update - D and karma bus

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velveteer posted 11/26/2013 04:20 AM

Been a while since I posted, but here is a wee update on my sitch. I hope that it may offer some encouragement.

Been S from WW for more than two years now. In that time my relationship with my kids has deepened and strengthened beyond all expectation, I have negotiated a financial settlement (legal S) in which I retained the family home, I have been promoted at work to MD of my company and have met a lovely woman. Life is busy busy busy, but its good. I have been away on holiday three times in the last year and had numerous weekend trips to stay with friends. Last weekend I had a party for visiting friends and my house was packed with good people all enjoying themselves.

For so long I never dared to think I might get here. Things just felt so desperate for such a long time. I'm not special. But there is life after infidelity.

Meanwhile WW and I have actually been rubbing along OK and communicating pretty well when it comes to the kids. On the whole, it works really.

Now its time to finalise matters and she has been served the D papers, which I can do unopposed now as we have been S for two years. She is predictably all over the place.

Her ongoing relationship with scumbag OM seems to be floudering, and she is struggling with her working situation and with her financial situation. This is despite me paying more than legally required and her having a substantial lump sum in her bank account from her share of the marital home and MY pension.

So, here I am now - moving ahead with a new life and tying up the loose ends of a past life. At the same time I am witnessing the disintegration of WW's false dreams of a happy ever after with OM and watching everything that she was told (and ignored) three years ago now come to pass. Karma bus - maybe, although I'm not a big believer in that.

I don't feel ANY satisfaction in this though. I feel sorry for her that she has got herself into this mess. I can't and won't fix it, but I feel pity for her. There would have been a time that I would have taken some joy from her struggle, as some kind of revenge or sense of justice being served, but that anger has left me. She is the mother of my children and to see her fall is no pleasure.

However, the fact that I can feel this way feels healthy. It feels like I have truly moved on - almost three years from dday.

Three years.

When I joined SI in a huge mess of pain and confusion, everyone said 2-5 years is the normal recovery time. I couldn't even imagine that. It seemed so long and so far away and I was so desperate to feel better. There are no short cuts though, and the only way is through. Time heals but you must use that time and engage with it all - with the anger, pain, hurt, confusion and fear. Engage with it and don't shy away from the truth - ever. It will be one of the hardest things you ever do - certainly was for me - but it can bring real growth.

So for all those out there still struggling to see light, you WILL get there. I didn't think I would or could, but I have and as I said I am not special. I have no magic bullet or special secret. Time and hard work is all. but you CAN and WILL do it.

Now, wish me D luck that WW won't cause any bullshit at this late stage.

Good luck to everyone and thank you so much to all that helped me on my journey - the support and advice was invaluable and SI was absolutely crucial to my healing.
V

Thefly559 posted 11/26/2013 04:56 AM

Thank you for this post brother , I wish you all the luck in the world but it sounds like you will be fine. 8 months for me and I still have days of pain but I am glad to hear there is light at the end of this tunnel. Thanks again

SBB posted 11/26/2013 05:42 AM

I love this. Almost 2 years out for me and I can't believe the place I was in a year ago. It feels like a lifetime ago.

I don't feel ANY satisfaction in this though. I feel sorry for her that she has got herself into this mess. I can't and won't fix it, but I feel pity for her. There would have been a time that I would have taken some joy from her struggle, as some kind of revenge or sense of justice being served, but that anger has left me. She is the mother of my children and to see her fall is no pleasure.

I'm almost there myself - I still enjoy the funny karma but the more serious stuff makes me feel pity.

The thing is this is how they roll. They are willing to take the horrific lows for just a little bit of a false high. I did it too for a time when I went on a crazy rampage after DD. All it did was leave me feeling empty. It is so infinitely sad, IMO.

Yes, they made their bed so they can lie in it but it just doesn't need to be this way. The work is hard. I don't know if I would have started it had I not hit rock bottom against my will. I'll never be grateful for this experience but I will forever be grateful for the raging fires it lit inside of me illuminating all of the things I need to work on.

Thank you for sharing this.

Brandon808 posted 11/26/2013 09:36 AM

So glad to hear you're doing well and enjoying life. I completely understand what you mean. My xww's life is a complete mess but I really take no enjoyment in that. I would have preferred she got healthy and moved on if for no other reason than the sake of her daughter (my step-daughter). At the end of the day you can't save someone from themselves though.

momentintime posted 11/26/2013 17:39 PM

You are a compassionate and kind person. You have grown and expanded your life, so happy for you. As for your X, I hope she learns from all of this and gets her act together for a better life.

Williesmom posted 11/26/2013 17:42 PM

You guys are better people than I. I waste no energy on the thought of my wxh, but when he passes through my mind, I hope he dies a slow and painful death.

Abbondad posted 11/27/2013 05:41 AM

Nice to see your post again, Velveteer, and I am very glad to know your divorce has finally arrived. I absolutely wish you smooth sailing through it and a continuation of your healing. Thanks so much for all of your support through my own experience. I've never forgotten your early assurances that if you can get through this, so can I.

I do however derive satisfaction at hearing of your STBX's unwraveling, even if you don't. I want to move past this stage to yours, but for now I am still here:

when he (she) passes through my mind, I hope he dies a slow and death.

Lola7 posted 11/27/2013 09:16 AM

I love your post! Thank you for posting this because it helps so much.

FaithFool posted 11/27/2013 11:20 AM

What a great post.

nowiknow23 posted 11/27/2013 11:25 AM

Good on you, velveteer! Sending you swift and easy D mojo.

nutmegkitty posted 11/27/2013 12:42 PM

I needed to read this today. Been dipping low on the rollercoaster lately, and it's always a good thing to hear people who have come through the other side and are thriving.

Good for you.

velveteer posted 11/27/2013 15:55 PM

Thanks all. If this helps even one person here that is wading through the utter trauma that is infidelity then I am delighted. Good luck all and AD I may not post so much these days but I do keep an eye on your progress and you are doing great. Keep it up
V

OK now posted 12/8/2013 12:39 PM

Hope its not too late to chime in, but I have been following your trials and tribulations for some time now, and it would be remiss of me not to wish you the very best in your future career and relationships.

Why your wife couldn't see what a gem of a husband you were when she started her affair I can't imagine, but she will suffer for this oversight and the process seems to be well underway. Its pointless to gloat at such asinine stupidity, but I find it difficult to have much sympathy for a woman who brought you and the children so much pain. One day maybe, she will have the personal courage to apologize to you for her disrespect for both you and the marriage, followed by an admission that it was the worst mistake of her life.

Soon she will also have to face the judgement of her children. She imploded their lives and will eventually be held accountable.

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