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I don't know if I am more hurt or angry

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Arzon posted 11/26/2013 07:23 AM

I was looking for a site in which I could vent because it just hurts so much. I know you have the abbreviations but I don't know them well so bare with me...

Our marriage was not good in general but full of ups and downs, we both have a lot of baggage but I think my wife has much more than I do and would blame all on me, I would try to make her happy but it was almost impossible. we have been married for 14 years, I met her very young and we've been together almost our whole adult life. ( I am in my early 40's and she is a little younger)

A few weeks ago I caught her on a lie, she was supposed to stay at work late but I could tell she wasn't at work when I called her, then there were lapses in travel time, a trip that would take her 25 minutes all of the sudden took 90 minutes... I finally confirmed she was cheating on me, I confronted her and denied everything but at one point she couldn't anymore, I saw a cellphone bill with over 500 text messages to the same phone number, I called and of course I guy answered. I just hanged up.

We had a talk and she told me that we should separate, I didn't want to fight, I was too hurt and confused so I went along with it, she said that she was going to keep on seeing him because it wasn't anything romantic or intimate.

Next morning I told her she had to stop seeing him, she agreed and stupid me believed her. I started therapy that day and I calmed down a little, I convinced my WS to go to therapy as well and then talked to her I told her I wanted to try to work for out marriage but I needed her to stop seeing this guy, again she agreed, we had a decent weekend, very civil and a little affection so I thought what we talked actually reached her.

The cellphones are under her name because when we got them she couldn't wait for me to get back from work so yesterday I checked the online statement and of course, the text were still there... when I confronted her again she just blamed all on me and got upset that I checked on her and since that she changed the passwords so I don't have access anymore.

After that she went to the therapist and came home and agreed to have therapy together and like a scolded child she told me she is sorry for her betrayal and that she is going to end her affair, fling or whatever it is. I honestly don't believe it now( all the account changes happened after she said that).

I am so angry and hurt I told her all the time when we had issues, if you can't stand it anymore just cut it but please don't cheat on me... I am guessing the therapist showed her why she should cut it but I don't know if she will actually do it and we are also having a session together.

The session will happen next week so now I am with this feeling inside me for the whole week and worst of all... thanksgiving weekend.

I want to save our marriage but I don't even know if I can emotionally managed that, she wants us to stay living together but "separated" so she is having all the perks of the relationship while she detaches herself emotionally. On the weekend she was even talking about a winter vacation the whole family in the next few months and plans to update the house... Right now I am just waiting until that session to make up my mind but in the meantime I am going crazy. The therapist is very good and my WS liked her too and she is going to keep seeing her so perhaps there is hope? should I even want hope? I know her big change of heart to not try to fix came because of the OG she is infatuated and even if it is the truth that is not intimate the OG wants to get in her pants, he is a guy after all so he is probably messing with her head into making the wrong decisions.

I know I will ask her again at therapy if she indeed ended it and hopefully I will get an honest answer.

I know, long rant but it always helps to write it, I have been talking to 1 close person in my life and he just tells me to screw it and start the true separation which I will probably do after the meeting. It will be interesting to see when I have my salary get despised into another account and not pay for her luxuries anymore or take care of the kids as much as I do.

Right now I am in shambles to be honest, I am not eating and barely sleeping and not functioning that well. I am scared of the future and being alone, even with the betrayal I still feel love for her and if she was truthful and wanted to save the marriage I could start to forgive her but I don't know if feeling that will just empower her more...

ascian posted 11/26/2013 08:21 AM

I'm sorry you find yourself here with us, Arzon. Right now it sounds like you need to take care of yourself. I'm not one of the SI members that immediately points everyone towards The 180, but in your case I think it'll be a helpful thing.

Beyond that: eat when you can, find something to keep you occupied, talk here when you need. We're all pulling for you.

Arzon posted 11/26/2013 08:31 AM

I am going to therapy and hopefully will be able to work through all this... I just still can't believe she would do it and then when asked to stop it she said yes and do it again.

my small sliver of hope is that she told me again she would stop it after seeing the therapist. I am going to start taking care of myself and find activities to do. I drives me crazy she is so wrong, so wrong in giving up in our marriage, wrong to lie to me and cheat on me. I know this is not my fault, I understand that but it still hurts like hell.

greengiant posted 11/26/2013 12:02 PM

Arzon, if she truly wants to R, she should give her passwords and access. If she tell the truths, she have nothing to hide and she will give those to you. IC and MC are also good, take car of yourself.

Arzon posted 11/26/2013 13:22 PM

Arzon, if she truly wants to R, she should give her passwords and access. If she tell the truths, she have nothing to hide and she will give those to you. IC and MC are also good, take car of yourself.

I agree with you, she is very defensive so he changed all the passwords, I am not going to fight right now, I will do it in therapy and see if she is receptive, if not... then I am done.

momentintime posted 11/26/2013 13:34 PM

If she agrees to work on the M, she must give you the pswd to the cellphone. You will also have to check to make sure she doesn't get a second phone to continue the A. (look for a hidden strange charger). At this point you can't trust her or anything that comes out of her mouth.

If she doesn't want to stop, then you need to risk you M to save it. If she continues with A, you should 180 her (which is for you to heal and not to change her).

I am sorry for your pain, and I hope she snaps out of it, but it all takes time.

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