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Sexting a Co-Worker

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K9CopsWife posted 11/26/2013 07:31 AM

I knew something inappropriate was going on between my husband and this woman he worked with, but I honestly just thought maybe he was using her as an outlet to complain about me and/or home life. I never thought it would be like this.

Friday night I got out of class a little early (currently in graduate school working on my Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling) and I called him when I was almost home. His phone was blowing up while we were talking and when he asked which 7/11 I was at, I got a little suspicious. We talked the whole time I was on my way home and when I walked in the door he looked incredibly surprised. He was acting very weird about his phone, and trying to make excuses to be alone with it. So finally, I asked if I could see it. Instead of giving it to me (which he usually would do) he pulled it out of his pocket, asked me why I wanted it, and proceeded to delete text messages. When he was finished he handed it to me. Just as I was grabbing it, it went off again and he tried to pull it back, but I snatched it out of his hand. The only text I saw said something along the lines of "I'm so hot if I'm the reason you're about to cum."

I was immediately heartbroken, sick, angry, pissed, upset, disgusted, surprised... probably every emotion in the book.

I didn't know what to do, I still don't know what to do. I want us to work this out and so does he. He cut off all contact with her but she told him, "I won't contact you again unless you contact me first." Which clearly means, if you ever wanna do this again, text me. He has done everything he said he was going to do. She has emailed him once, asking him to text her because she has a few questions. He showed me the email and told me she probably just wants to know if I'm going to tell her husband (which I threatened to do on my third glass of wine that night). She is also worried I am going to tell work. She works in internal affairs and at that point my husband was in Uniformed Patrol (working the street) So I am sure you guys can understand why that's a big deal... We have set up an appointment to see a counselor. Any thoughts?

Arzon posted 11/26/2013 07:38 AM

The good thing you got going for you is that he wants to work it out and he cut contact with her. Sometimes men just get to worked up and make stupid decisions, not giving him an excuse but it could have been a bad lapse of judgement.

Going to therapy will work and you will see if it was just a "mistake" or something deeper and then you can figure it out then.

lynnm1947 posted 11/26/2013 07:56 AM

The good thing you got going for you is that he wants to work it out and he cut contact with her.

With all due respect, almost every cheating spouse says this and it's often code for "I'll just take this affair underground". Don't for a second give up your vigilance in monitoring him. His phone should be an open book to you. Remember, though, that even if he hands you his phone whenever you ask for it, he may have resorted to a secret phone. Keep your guard up until his actions show you he is indeed sincere.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation,K9.

Arzon posted 11/26/2013 08:05 AM

With all due respect, almost every cheating spouse says this and it's often code for "I'll just take this affair underground". Don't for a second give up your vigilance in monitoring him. His phone should be an open book to you. Remember, though, that even if he hands you his phone whenever you ask for it, he may have resorted to a secret phone. Keep your guard up until his actions show you he is indeed sincere.

I don't disagree with you... In my case it doesn't even look that she wants to break it of.

NeverAgain2013 posted 11/26/2013 08:14 AM

These two still work together or they don't? I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Welcome to the club no one wants to join. I'm sorry you find yourself here.

I would suppose this situation is a bit better than finding love letters and plans for the future between these two. Sounds as though your husband sees this woman as some kind of sexual playtoy and not a whole lot more. Her mother must be so proud.


I'd tell her husband.

Her husband has a right to know what his wife is up to, regardless of what your husband wants or says about you doing it. Your H forfeited his right to dictate how this whole thing is going to play out. In fact, don't be surprised when your husband insists that you shouldn't tell her husband "because he's violent/psychotic/abusive.." etc. etc. That's a tactic they often use to keep you from telling the other betrayed spouse. Don't believe it - it's just a cheater trying to protect his cheating partner and his own ass. If her husband were the abusive, violent monster your husband will probably claim him to be, the LAST thing this guy's wife would be doing is RISKING having her neck broken by her abusive husband - just so she can play grab-ass via text with your husband.

The whole premise doesn't make sense, so DON'T fall for it. Tell the other BH.

I have no magic answers for you K9CopsWife, and I'm really sorry for that. I chose to leave my cheater rather than stay, but I do think it's imperative that these two don't have the opportunity to co-mingle at work any longer.

Good luck to you.

k94ever posted 11/26/2013 08:34 AM

Tell her spouse. He has the right to make an informed decision about his life.

Get checked for STD's. Your WS and the OW have had sex and you don't know who else she has had sex with.

She's in HR? Talk to the Chief of Police. But do this knowing your spouse will probably receive some type of disiplinary action. Just the consequences of his actions. If you don't.....what's to stop him from cheating on you again?

Where is your line in the sand? Have you figured out just how far you are able to live with your spouse's actions?

I wish someone had told me about what my FWS was up to. Would have saved me a lot of embarrassment and years of grief.


Lostandpregnant posted 11/26/2013 08:47 AM

They always say it was just that one time you saw.
Believe nothing.

hopefulmother posted 11/26/2013 09:16 AM

I would check your phone records.

Honestly, if it has moved to sexting...I would worry that it was an EA to begin with.

Tell her husband. You will need the help in keeping an eye on them both. Besides, he has the right to know just how faithful his wife really is.

Do not let your H blow this off as a mistake. You don't want to send the message that this behavior is okay or easily forgiven. People who are committed to marriage don't act like they're single. Sexting in itself is an A and he needs to figure himself out. Get the book "Not Just Friends". If your H is acting like this with her. He can or may have acted like this with others. Read pgs. 344 and 345 about forgiving a "mistake" before it is dealt with. (forgiving too soon/ Pseudo-forgiveness). If you can't get a hold of the book...message me...I will send you the basics on what it says about letting it go and the likely hood of it happening because the repercussions were too light for the behavior.

It will be hard, but tell HR. They can help prevent them from working together. DO NOT let them make you feel guilty for turning them in. Do not worry about hurting your need to take charge of the M right now and your healing. Exposing the affair is the only way! They knew the risks and took them regardless of who they hurt and the risk of their jobs. You will never heal if they are subjected to each other. They liked each other enough to sext...they are made to stop the behavior...there will be continued feelings for each other. The thoughts of them seeing each other, the tone of their voices when they talk, what they say, the look in their eyes...will bother you and make it harder for it to stop and you to heal. There needs to be repercussions to teach them that this IS a serious breach of fidelity. I am not talking about revenge...I am talking about stopping the behavior and saying in no uncertain terms this is not okay.

My biggest regret was not telling HR about my fWH EA with a co-worker. Because of that, he was subjected to work with her several times since D-day and it was Hell for me. It kept setting healing back. It has been 14months now and if he ever has to work with her again...I will tell.

tushnurse posted 11/26/2013 10:02 AM

Welcome, and know that you are in a safe place with a lot of folks that have "Been there Done that"

I would suspect your spouse has probably done more than sexting with this woman, since the opportunity has been there with working together. Sorry but that's just experience screaming at me. As someone who has worked in the field of Mental Health you are probably a step ahead of the game, especially if you can look at this as an outsider.

Focus on what you want and need at this point, and make it very clear to him that you will tolerate NONE of his nonesense, and prepare yourself to follow through. He needs to be completely transparent with his phone and computer, and if not, then be suspicious, and if he is be suspicious. In other words don't just blindly trust him until he has proven himself to you time and again.

His attempt to establish NC was a joke. He was disrepectful to you, but not calling out that he is married, and his wife deserves much better.

Read in the healing library, keep posting, and remember to put yourself first in all you do.

((((and strength))))

kra127 posted 11/26/2013 13:58 PM

As a fellow wife of a LEO I'm sorry to see you here. My advice is to stop believing what he's told you so far. He's probably not telling you the whole story. Get a hold of the OW's spouse immediately and tell him what you've found. It's likely he has no clue what his wife has been doing. For yourself, go get a full panel of STD testing done. You may not think you need it now but from experience, it may turn out that you do once you know the full truth. As someone else suggested, go check phone records. If he has nothing to hide, he should have no problem letting you see them. I bypassed my WS and looked them up myself and got all the answers I needed. From what I've seen and heard in my WS's dept, cheating is common (i don't know about other depts)so keep your guard up. Please post again and let us know what happens.

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