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Newest Member: Port (45718)

User Topic: This is awful...
RipsInMyChest
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does a WS ever do anything nice for a BS again? Every time my husband does something nice for me, I just think he's doing it because of what he did. We have never been big gift givers to each other. Other than my wedding bands 18 years ago, H has never bought me jewelry....until he got me diamond earrings for my last birthday...after d-day. Wearing them is a trigger, but I do on occasion to show my appreciation.

Now he always makes a point of holding my hand or having his hand on my leg when we're sitting together. It just feels like a consolation prize. I know he's trying...but you can never make up for this.

The root of this is that I just don't feel loved. I know he loves me or at least the idea of me and our family. But how do you do this to someone that you love? I just don't know that I'll ever feel confident in his love again. he says it all the time and it doesn't seem to make a difference anymore.

Wow... I sound like a pathetic wanker today.

I have lost perspective.... And we have been doing so good lately.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Oct 2013
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have this exact same problem. FWH is so great now, but it's very hard not to second guess everything he says/does.

Right now my biggest problem is that during the A whenever he lied to me he would always put on this really sweet voice. As he wasn't often being sweet to me then, I would fall for it every time and not ask any questions.

Now he talks to me in that voice all the time and I have to constantly tell myself.....it's not a lie, it's not a lie, it's not a lie.....

Blah.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
BaxtersBFF
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a newer WS, sometimes it is a fake-it-till-you-make-it thing. that doesn't mean that there isn't a desire on the WS side to become more authentic and true to the M.

You're right though, there really isn't much we can do to make up for what we've done. At a certain point, the WS has absolutely no footing, no stable ground to stand on, so we are looking for something, anything at all, to make our start from.

I would also make a guess that he is just as scared as you are right now.

You need to take care of yourself first though. Process your stuff the way you need to, and keep an eye out for any indication of authenticity from him. Hopefully it will come.

Have you been able to express to him those things that might help to make you feel loved?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
RipsInMyChest
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for your replies and support.

Heforgotme, the voice would bother me too! Hopefully you both will get more "natural" as time passes and you both relax.

BaxtersBFF, he is very authentic, more open and emotional than he ever has been, and has admitted he is terrified of losing me. He sometimes doesn't know what to do or say for fear of getting it wrong. My take on this, when I'm feeling dark, is that he's only terrified of losing his family and what we've built together. Just like it wasn't about me when he cheated it isn't about me now. I worry that he'll get sick of reassuring me, because I've always been "low maintenance". And now he's going to have to work at this relationship. He may have to do this forever. I just can't see that being something that someone would want to do....Nurse somebody's wounds forever. I'm just hoping that time will make this better.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Oct 2013
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Rips

I so get this.

It felt like an empty hole, that my husband could just not completely fill.

He did everything right, and actually was very attentive pre A.

I couldn't put my finger on it but his "I love you's" and other words of affermation did nothing for me.

I talked about it in IC with my therapist. For me, the feeling of emptiness was really in me. I couldn't believe what he told me because I didn't believe it myself. I didn't think I was beautiful, sexy, sweet,the love of his life etc.

I was busy in IC digging up my own hurts and childhood issues, it was tough to feel anything but like a broken little girl.

Through continued work and healing on my part I came to find my value. I see my worth now and my emptiness isn't there anymore. My husband telling me how wonderful I am doesn't need to fill any empty space now, his words are accepted because I now KNOW what he says is true, I believe in me what he tries to confirm every day.

I am good, lovable, beautiful, worthy and he is lucky to have me.The confidence to accept his love and affection had to come from within me.

Look inside and love yourself, really see how amazing you are. It is easy to accept the truth when you know that's what it is.

Worked for me....

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
RipsInMyChest
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma.... Thank you. I know that's a big part of it. It's hard for me, because of my childhood issues, to feel worthy. I struggled for years in my youth about this topic and finally came to see my value....and then this put me right back in that horrible spot again. It's like I have to heal all of that a second time. But interestingly it's not that I don't feel worthy, it's more I doubt he sees it. Actions speak louder than words.....maybe with more time and more effort on his part I will believe him again. I will also continue to work on myself. I really appreciate your empathy and words of encouragement.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Oct 2013
Joanh
♀ 39146
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AS a WS I hope you don't mind.
My BH doubts my actions and we are out 1 year from Dday

He is accepting more and more just as I am trying to accept the affection he shows me is real. As I can only speak for myself. THe affection and the care, the attention and the words I say are now given because I want to. I love hugs from my H but I did not know how to ask for them or give them, I did not have them when I was young. Now I see what I was missing. He missed it . He wanted my attention my love. and not trivial words. I will not and do not dishonor him with words or affection unless I mean it.
It was work for me in the beginning, I had to learn it, so it may have felt to my BH that it wasn't real. It did feel akward for me. Now I can't give enough.
For me too my H is on my mind allways now. Good , bad and the ugly. Allways from the moment I wake till I close my eyes, and even in my sleep.
Some may be from from fear for your WS and some may be from realizing how important you are. and what an absolutely idiot he has been.
I hope some day, it will be better and NO you are not a WANKER. You are strong and amazing.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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