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jjenoral posted 11/26/2013 09:51 AM

so i just found out, well a week or so ago, that my wife is interested in a woman. she lied to me and snuck around on me, stayed out one night til the next morning, while her kids were with me (and my kids too). i asked what happened and continually i got nothing. finally she caved and told me what really happened, which was sex and who knows what else. she claims it's different because it's a woman. i said it's not different. she betrayed me and lied to me. so we start to work through it. i allow her at first to still be friends. then i tell her she can't and she agrees. then she proceeds to tell me she is going out of town for a few days to the beach with some friends (mutual friends). so she's there and after telling me she won't talk to this woman, she still is. she is up front telling me she likes her, but i'm also up front telling her that won't work for me. she says she wants to stay with me and i have nothing to worry about. honestly, i just don't believe anything she says. she's been at the beach for almost 3 days now and she doesn't contact me. but she is all over facebook with pictures and comments but can't take the time to contact her husband. my mind works crazy and all i think she's doing is having sex with everyone she's with. anyway, i'm going crazy and i just want her to be honest but she won't. she wants this fun party single life and her married life too. she sees what it's doing to me and she says she is sorry but keeps on doing. i'm frustrated, confused, pissed, hurt ... basically all the bad feelings that can come from this. i want to leave right this minute, but i don't want to leave. this really sucks.

[This message edited by jjenoral at 9:52 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

No12turn2 posted 11/26/2013 09:53 AM

I'm not the most experienced member here, but it sounds like you need to do some 180. I'll let the seasoned members chime in as well

trojan007 posted 11/26/2013 11:08 AM

hey buddy, you should read up on the 180. Itís in the healing library. she is in the Fog you can also read up on this too. You need to take back the some control in you marriage its sounds like she has lost respect towards you and your M people on this site can help you though this nightmare. Please listen to them.! because you going to second guess them out of fear and itís only going to prolong your pain.

[This message edited by trojan007 at 11:11 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

jjenoral posted 11/26/2013 11:53 AM

thank you. i've seen the 180 and am trying it. it's tough. i will certainly listen to what people have to say as i'm at a loss and this is just eating me up. i'm not sure if she's in the fog or not, but has claimed to have had a mental break but is coming back. that just sounds like an excuse to me.

7yrsflushed posted 11/26/2013 15:25 PM

Welcome to the site jjenoral. sorry you are here but it's a great place to help you get through this mess.

which was sex and who knows what else. she claims it's different because it's a woman. i said it's not different.
first off, this is complete and utter bullshit. Cheating is cheating...period. you were right to call her on it. It doesn't matter if she was with another women, this other person was not you, her spouse so it's cheating and it most definitely is an Affair.

Please take care of yourself. Make sure you eat right and drink fluids. Go get checked for STD's and go see a lawyer to understand yrou rights. your WW has a lot fo work to do before she will be safe for you again if you choose to go down the R path. Right now she is unremorseful and pretty blatant about it. If she wnats the single party life then she shoudl have filed for Divorce prior to doing it. she doesn't get to cake eat in her fantsy world while you sit at home in the real world with the responsiblities. Don't be surpised if you find out there is more to the story then she is telling. Get started on the 180 and focus on you and your kids. you cant' love her back into the M so try to detach as best you can and focus on you. She is goign to blameshift deflect and lie her ass off while she is in the A and likely even after it's over if she does stop. Take back control of your life today.

i want to leave right this minute, but i don't want to leave.
You may not be ready yet but please understand the pain stops when we say it does. your WW seems to still be in her A. Expose her if you can which takes some of the fantasy away from the A. Staying with an unremorseful WS is heaping hurt on hurt. Focus on detaching with the 180 so you can make decisions that are best for you and your children. Keep posting and i wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:26 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

mychild posted 11/27/2013 00:26 AM

Hi Jjenoral:

Oh gosh, I wish I could help more. I wanted you to know that I read your short post. I wish a bi-sexual could chime into this thread. I have never been interested in women - ever, so I feel at such a loss for words, like you must be feeling also.

What she doesn't understand is that - yes - it is different because it is a woman. How do you even begin to come to terms with that? No, it's not perverse, that is not what I mean - it is just such a total - to use 180 different here - it is just such a total 180 for her, right?

I didn't get the idea that you knew she was attracted to women before you married her. If you were, I could have easily told you that this would happen. Why? Because I've heard of this before. Men marrying women who are bi or for those of you who don't like bi - women who have had sexual relationships with other women - and then they think it is cool or fine and even have 3 somes with the 2 women (one is the wife and one is a lover or someone they chose together) and then all of a sudden the woman gets into it - for a while. I've never heard of it going on forever, every instance I've heard the women always go back to being heterosexual. It even happened to a nephew of my H's. But his nephew pressured his wife into 3 somes and then she got into women and then divorced him to be with women but then went back to men and became happily married (to a different man) with children - ok? Crazy to me, but it happens.

So anyway - I h/j a little. Sorry.

But - I just don't think you should let her go on any outings. She is a cheater - no matter if she cheats with men women or well, I'll leave that one to Leopold (inside joke). Cheaters have no rights until they do a lot of work and get trust back into the relationship. It's ok, you didn't know. You are on a ride that you never signed up for and your body and mind are in motion sickness.

So - stand up. Be a good man. Be a good father. ALWAYS. And start writing out what you will or will not put up with. Like I will not put up with any cheating with anyone. ETC. Why? Because you are in shock and it will help clear things up a little and help you determine your future for you, your children and lastly your wife. Your wife doesn't seem too afraid of losing you. Very strange, that is. It's like, huh, who cares...that is exactly how she is acting.

So anyway - not much help I know. I tend to ramble. Just put your boot straps on and be a good man and start IC if you can and spend a lot of time with your great kids and pretend she doesn't exist. See how she likes being disrespected or ignored. But who knows, what is logical to me, just doesn't seem to work with cheaters.

[This message edited by mychild at 12:31 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

MOTG posted 11/27/2013 03:36 AM

To me honesty is of the highest importance in a relationship where the other party is bisexual. It's going to be harder for her to earn back trust because everyone is a threat to the relationship. Just because it's a woman it still is cheating. She needs a real come to Jesus conversation. I think the 180 is what you need but I can't imagine the isolation she is going to feel if she really tried to make it work. At least my WH has a good friend that I trust that he can hang out with. I guess I'm kind of rambling here but I wish you luck in what ever you choose.

karmahappens posted 11/27/2013 03:48 AM

Hi and welcome

I am sorry your wife has decided to take a selfish short-cut through life at the moment.

She is lying when she says this is different because it's a woman. It's an affair, plain and simple.

I could have easily told you that this would happen.

This is not true.^^ Because someone is bi-sexual or even bi-curious does NOT make them a cheater.She may have new feelings or have stifled her true feelings for women up until this point. Either way she needed to talk with you about what was going on, not blind-side you with a 2x4.

I would call her at the beach and tell her she has 2 options.

1.Come home, come clean and get her ass into IC with no contact to her AP (affair partner) so the 2 of you can figure this out.


I think she might be foggy right now and she won't do what you need. If that's the case 180, 180 , 180!!

I am sorry, post often and ask any questions you need. We are all here for you.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 3:50 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

Tren0R201 posted 11/27/2013 04:32 AM

I'm confused, why is she going to the beach for 3 days? She seems to dump the kids on you at the drop of a hat.

Also think you should have been a bit stronger. You seem to be negotiating with her. "You can do this but not this"
She cheated. There is no negotiating, you both should be working together to try and heal this. Quite why she can go on a three day break that is driving you crazy is crazy.

karmahappens posted 11/27/2013 04:36 AM

Also think you should have been a bit stronger. You seem to be negotiating with her. "You can do this but not this"

Many of us wish we had done things different when we just found out. It isn't about being stronger, your life is being ripped apart. It's about protecting yourself. That's why the 180 is so important when a WS has their head in the clouds.

Take care of you.

confused615 posted 11/27/2013 05:27 AM

Hi and welcome. I hope I can give some husband cheated on me..with a man. I had NO clue...and I have been with him for more than a decade. he chose to hide this side of himself from me. I wasn't blind,I wasn't stupid. I was lied to. I trusted my husband. he chose to deceive me. Just as your wife did you. When you marry someone..the very least you should know is their sexuality..right?

Here is what I have learned. Being bisexual doesn't mean they get a free pass. Cheating is absolutely cheating..betrayal is betrayal. Actually, what you are dealing with is a double betrayal...first, the act of cheating,of course. but lying to you about her sexuality is another betrayal. And it sucks. Its' hard to get your mind around it. It took me 5 months to recover from the shock.

Being bi doesn't mean they have to cheat. She married you. She committed herself to you. She made that choice when she married you. Just as you made that choice when you married her. You are a straight are attracted to the opposite sex..but you choose not to act on it because of your commitment,love,and integrity. Fidelity is a choice. Being bi may not be, but choosing to cheat is always a choice.

There are a few of us here on SI..whose WS's have had a same sex affair or sexual encounter. Not many, but a few. You will soon realize that most WS's follow a pattern..the lies,TT, the ways they hid their affair,etc. Whether she cheated on you with a man or a woman,she cheated. It hurts the same.

Im glad you found us. This place literally save my life a few years ago. I couldn't talk to anyone about it..we have kids..and I don't want them to know. I felt very much alone. But I always felt welcome one has ever made me feel any less betrayed because my husband cheated with a man,and not a woman.

Oh..if you have a remorseful WS, you can recover from this. We are 3 years out,and our marriage has never been better. But it's a different marriage..and he is a different husband,and Im a different wife. But Im happy.

The 3 day beach trip bothers me.

Does OW have a boyfriend or husband?

jjenoral posted 11/27/2013 06:57 AM

wow. you guys are great. okay, i'll try and respond to some of this. first of all i never knew she was into girls. sure she had kissed a friend here and there (out drinking, all the girls were kissing each other) and she did mention something in college but that was the extent of it.
her being at the beach was something she said she needed. i was not going to stop her as much as i wanted to. her kids were at their dad's so i only had mine. we each have two kids from previous marriages. but the part that has really gotten to me while she has been gone is the fact she still hasn't tried to contact me (before all this, if she went out of town, she would at least call a couple times a day and text several). to me i feel like she's done with the M but can't bring herself to say so. i spoke with her friend she is with and she's worried about my WS but as i mentioned before, she looks like she is having great time. i have no doubt that she's worried about coming home (which is today), because she thinks that i'll be all over her about all this. she knows i know her and the AP are talking again ... by the way, she has mentioned that she has a bond with this girl, the AP, which is her reasoning to all this i guess. no, she does not seem concerned at all about my feelings on all this yet her friend seems to think she's still into this M. for me, i married her and i feel like i should at least give it a fighting chance but damn! i am tired of this game and i just want it to stop. each day she hurts me and each day i'm pulling back, at least trying. its so frustrating to have this woman you call your wife, that's supposed to love and support you no matter what. that talks the talk but sure as hell doesn't walk the walk. it's almost like she's flaunting her independence while she's at the beach with f'ing FB and instagram. sorry, starting to be all over the place with what i'm writing.
bottom line is this, obviously i know what she has done and is doing. no need to expose her because she's letting it be known, her feelings, and in a very hurtful way. she is avoiding me and the issues we have but claims to not want to end anything (i help a lot with her kids and part of me feels like this is why she's hanging on). i do not want to end this but i am tired of being second fiddle and my feelings disregarded. i am trying the 180 but it doesn't really do anything if she's not here. i haven't tried to contact her and she really hasn't tried to contact me (she did send me a pic yesterday of herself. i responded with "missing that" and got no reply). oh wait, she did call yesterday morning. we talked for a minute. she asked if i was mad at her. i sat there and then said no. i am not a good actor. then proceeds to tell me how drunk she was the other night (the first night they got there) and asked about the weather at home. she said i love you before getting off the phone. i just said bye. my question is this. if she wants to go out do i demand she stay in? we have lots of the same friends and we all do things together sometimes. if she comes home and doesn't talk about our issues, do i bring it up or just let her start it?

[This message edited by jjenoral at 6:58 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

mychild posted 11/27/2013 10:02 AM

This is actually really good - you are handling yourself better than excellent.

I got a lot of my WS information by PRETENDING to be very understanding. I had to put my acting hat on and I don't like acting.

So if you want, and it seems she may want, you can sit down quietly without any kids or phones and talk like: I just want to know everything (calmly - smiling - understanding), I want to understand you fully, what your needs are, how I can help, I can't help unless I know how to help and I can only help if I understand you and your needs better, I know women have needs, I can't read your mind, you have to help me, etc etc etc.

Its all bullshit. It is. To have to play a stinking game. But really, in my marriage, my life was a game and I didn't even know it. I was living in reality - truth - and my H was cheating on me. A big fing game I had no idea I was even playing - and I'm terrible at games. But when I finally found out (on the computer) that I had been played and that chess was on the board, I put my game face on and my acting hat and though it took longer than I wanted, I got the truth...I didn't get it right away. These game players are good, really good at lying. They don't understand truth - truth scares them. They like to be in control and lying is control and truth is vulnerable. But you can only be yourself and have a relationship if you are vulnerable - in truth - always. But these cheaters just don't like that - too intimate and too powerless. How little they understand life and love and themselves.

Anyway - good luck. Try to put on your acting or game hat on. She just didn't know it. Time to even the playing field. If you can do that - get the truth (and they don't want to give it to you - you know that by now right? - they like their little power game of total control) you may just be able to put the pieces back together. But there are holes now - called lying. You need to get the whole truth, some IC and definitely MC if you both get IC and can work it out.

But it's all raw now and Thanksgiving and Holiday Time! Make sure to thank her for that - once you get all the truth. Gosh - not that there's a good time for cheating, but holidays are the WORST. Mine happened around July 4th. Sometimes I think there is just too many holidays - or cheaters - definitely cheaters.

[This message edited by mychild at 10:03 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

jjenoral posted 11/27/2013 11:10 AM

to myself i'm not handling it very well at all. i can't stop thinking about it ... her. i'm still so knocked down by the fact she actually did this to me. the way she lies to me, like it's nothing. it's almost like she's asking if she can go buy a pair of shoes, the way she's presenting it. she is a very emotional person, cries about everything, but not this. at least not that i've seen. it's just all so surreal i guess. i thought we had a good bond. she's always been a flirt, but damn. i just never expected this.

i will play the game however. i am competitive so maybe whatever happens will be the best for me. i sure f-ing hope so. i do know, one way or another, everything will be okay. i've just never been so hurt before, especially by someone that's supposed to love you. aaaarrrrgggg!

ninebark posted 11/27/2013 11:35 AM

First off I would like to comment that being Bi-sexual does not make you a cheater...Being a cheater makes you a cheater. Enough said on that one.

She is flaunting things but you are giving her permission to do so. You did not say "no I don't want you to go, if you do this is going to damage our marriage." She called and asked if you were mad and again you said no, bad actor or not. You need to start standing up for yourself and your rights as her husband adn let her know what she is doing is not okay and what the consquences are if she continues.

Nothing shakes a person out of their Waward fantasy world than the words, "I have spoken to my lawyer." That is when reality crashes down on them.

I think it is time for a serious discussion with her about your marriage, her actions and what you need from her if she wants to continue to stay in your marraige. She is no longer single, she can't act that way and expect you to sit back and take it.

I understand the pain you are in and how lost you are feeling right now, you don't want to lose your wife or your marriage, but as it has been said before sometimes you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

Snowy posted 11/27/2013 20:13 PM


Sorry you are here.

Your story sounds exactly like mine. My WS had a same sex affair. Didn't even know she liked other women. Came totally out of left field.

Firstly, just because she had sex with another woman doesn't make it any better. In some ways it makes it worse because you don't where you really stand. Is it a marriage of confidence or what.


she knows i know her and the AP are talking again

If this is the case, then I strongly suspect the affair is still going on.

My suggestion is it is time for some honest discussions. Stop all the games

The first question is do you and her really want to stay married? (I have never understood why cheaters can not answer this question honestly and go through all the games).If she wants to stay married then the AP has to go. That includes no talking etc. If she does not want to ditch the AP then you need to consider if you want to stay in a marriage with 3 people

LeopoldB posted 11/27/2013 20:37 PM

If this is a deal breaker for you and she refuses to give up having a girlfriend(s) on the side, then you are likely going to split.

However, if you have a reasonably good relationship and want to stay together, you may be able to ride this out. Ask yourself where you want to be 5 or 10 years from now - - with her and the family, or not. Is it possible that she will experiment for a while but still maintain a good relationship with you? She probably feels guilty and that causes her to withdraw and not communicate. If you can help her understand how this effects you and agree on some ground rules, you both may be better off than splitting up.

If you are ready to sell your soul to the devil, you should tell her you want to participate.

Good luck.

[This message edited by LeopoldB at 8:39 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

PurpleRose posted 11/27/2013 21:09 PM

in the fog or not, but has claimed to have had a mental break but is coming back. that just sounds like an excuse to me.

This is called hoovering.

She knows she is in hot water, but thinks dropping little nuggets of hope will keep you hanging on. (Is it working yet?)

Time to get real. It's hard as hell, but it's the only way to take back control of your life. She cannot remain friends with the AP and stay married to you. Time for a hard 180. She needs a big reality check.

I'm sorry. I know it sucks. It is hard. It won't get easier if you keep letting her run around cheating on you, though.

jjenoral posted 11/27/2013 23:21 PM

So I have a question. I have said several times I'm not accepting of her still even talking to the AP yet still does it. Using the 180, do I ignore the fact that she's doing it? I'm about to my breaking point and file for divorce, but I do want it to work. We did have a good relationship before all this. She still says she wants it to work but needs time ... And she wants to be able to see the AP. I see what you mean by nuggets of hope. Maybe this is it then.

MeanBean posted 11/27/2013 23:59 PM

She is going to play you until you put your foot down and file for divorce. She doesn't think you have the b*lls to do it so she continues to mess around. How old are both of you?

You already accepted and put up with the amount of blatant disrespect she has shown you and your still sticking around, So what motivation do you think will cause her to change?

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