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Newest Member: chachapoppyseed (45751)

User Topic: How to enjoy a new relationship?
Crash!
♀ 32662
Member # 32662
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been seeing this guy - casually since late August, but getting more and more serious until he asked me to be his girlfriend a few weeks ago. It's not been long at all, but things have been going pretty fast - he's asked me to come back to his family's for Christmas, I've met his friends and family, he's met my friends (I'm from overseas), and he's made it very clear from the start that he's into me, he likes me, he wants me around, etc. He's great.

He was even away for a month in America, including a visit to Vegas, and he made a huge effort to stay in touch, let me know what he was up to, etc. I was a lot less worried than I should have been given my ex.

He knows I was cheated on, he even knows my ex was violent on a couple occasions. He's said he admires my being rational, ability to talk things out even when it's hard, and my ability to trust him and be open with him.

A couple weeks ago we had a chat after a night out because he's very touchy-feely with his friends (lots of hugs, etc, nothing totally out of hand - other couples in that same group act the same way), and I didn't think he was doing it on purpose, it kind of made me feel weird. And he was open to hearing what was going on, and we chatted about it sensibly. After, I said I was happy I could tell him things because my ex... wasn't so open to it. To put it lightly. And my new guy said that he thinks we need to re-define what a good relationship looks like for me.

So, he gets it. And he cares. And he's gorgeous and funny and smart and musical and sporty and all sorts of awesome things. He's even been selected for a really high level sports team recently, and will get to travel all over the place with them.

So, what's the problem? Not much, I don't think, outside of my own head. But...

On my bad days, I'm a bit insecure about it all. He's awesome, and kind of becoming well-known for being good at this sport which I also play. He said to me once that he didn't think a guy like him would be able to get a girl like me..but I kind of feel that way about him. And I want him to succeed and do well - be it when he's playing a gig or a sport, or whatever else...but I'm also kind of scared he'll get a big head and get over me.

And I'm just scared in general, too. I know how much it can destroy you when these things end, and I'm not so much scared of him cheating on me, but I am scared that it could go wrong and we'd break up... and I'm really, really liking this guy.

At the start, he pursued me pretty hard and I was cautious to let him in. I told him I thought he was cocky (he's not - but he's extremely confident), and he said there was nothing he could say to change my mind but he hoped I'd give him a chance to show me what he's about. He was lovely and patient - the first time I spent the night at his was because we'd somehow managed to talk until 3 am and it was too late for me to go back. I made him sleep in shorts and a t-shirt, and he was a perfect gentleman. He came out to my birthday party when he didn't know a soul (and made friends with half the room). He made a point to introduce me to his sister when she was in town. And he kept telling me that he liked me. And now I worry that I'm not a challenge because I'm liking him back, maybe?

I'm struggling to just chill out and enjoy it, especially on a day like today (where he doesn't text me till noon and after I've texted him - tiny things blow up in my head and stress me out)


I got out. I think I saved myself.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, Crash, you do need to breathe through this. He sounds very nice, you sound very nice the relationship sounds very nice. It is normal to have worries about relationships; even people who haven't been betrayed like we have worry about being liked for who they are, feel insecure etc.

What I try to remember on days like you are having is this. 1)I am strong, I survived betrayal I can survive anything 2) my thoughts are not the truth, I can rely on the last thing/action I saw/heard from a SO as the place they are still coming from 3)If something changes in a relationship, I will deal with it when it happens, not before it happens.

It takes practice practice practice to continue to let go of the scary thoughts and uncomfortable feelings. Breathe through this!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3236 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I try to focus more on me, and less on the relationship when I get like this. It's a win-win, you stay happy, pressure is taken off your partner, the relationship thrives. If keeping your interests in sight hurts the relationship, it's usually better to move along than lose yourself completely.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3533 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
devistatedmom
♀ 24961
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Enjoy it Crash. Don't over-think. I wish I was were you are right now.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5588 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
LearningToRun
♀ 31353
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have so been in this position. And the triggers were mine, all mine.
And someone wise pointed out to me that this was just the flip side to the joy i was feeling.

From the Brene Brown theories - if you shut down the negative, you also shut down joy - the reverse is also true - when you open yourself up to the joy, the reverse vulnerability is there too.
It just shows he is becoming important to you. If you can think of this way and realize it is paired with the joy, it might help.

It did me, anyhow. :)


Posts: 317 | Registered: Feb 2011
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A counselor told me that in any relationship the more you get involved, the more easy it is for these feelings to come up because there is more of you invested with each passing day.

I read the book "Why Men Love Bitches". It is a book about keeping your self confidence while you are dating --- the title is really just an attention grabber... The book really helped me.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2327 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 6

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