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Crash! posted 11/26/2013 10:59 AM

I've been seeing this guy - casually since late August, but getting more and more serious until he asked me to be his girlfriend a few weeks ago. It's not been long at all, but things have been going pretty fast - he's asked me to come back to his family's for Christmas, I've met his friends and family, he's met my friends (I'm from overseas), and he's made it very clear from the start that he's into me, he likes me, he wants me around, etc. He's great.

He was even away for a month in America, including a visit to Vegas, and he made a huge effort to stay in touch, let me know what he was up to, etc. I was a lot less worried than I should have been given my ex.

He knows I was cheated on, he even knows my ex was violent on a couple occasions. He's said he admires my being rational, ability to talk things out even when it's hard, and my ability to trust him and be open with him.

A couple weeks ago we had a chat after a night out because he's very touchy-feely with his friends (lots of hugs, etc, nothing totally out of hand - other couples in that same group act the same way), and I didn't think he was doing it on purpose, it kind of made me feel weird. And he was open to hearing what was going on, and we chatted about it sensibly. After, I said I was happy I could tell him things because my ex... wasn't so open to it. To put it lightly. And my new guy said that he thinks we need to re-define what a good relationship looks like for me.

So, he gets it. And he cares. And he's gorgeous and funny and smart and musical and sporty and all sorts of awesome things. He's even been selected for a really high level sports team recently, and will get to travel all over the place with them.

So, what's the problem? Not much, I don't think, outside of my own head. But...

On my bad days, I'm a bit insecure about it all. He's awesome, and kind of becoming well-known for being good at this sport which I also play. He said to me once that he didn't think a guy like him would be able to get a girl like me..but I kind of feel that way about him. And I want him to succeed and do well - be it when he's playing a gig or a sport, or whatever else...but I'm also kind of scared he'll get a big head and get over me.

And I'm just scared in general, too. I know how much it can destroy you when these things end, and I'm not so much scared of him cheating on me, but I am scared that it could go wrong and we'd break up... and I'm really, really liking this guy.

At the start, he pursued me pretty hard and I was cautious to let him in. I told him I thought he was cocky (he's not - but he's extremely confident), and he said there was nothing he could say to change my mind but he hoped I'd give him a chance to show me what he's about. He was lovely and patient - the first time I spent the night at his was because we'd somehow managed to talk until 3 am and it was too late for me to go back. I made him sleep in shorts and a t-shirt, and he was a perfect gentleman. He came out to my birthday party when he didn't know a soul (and made friends with half the room). He made a point to introduce me to his sister when she was in town. And he kept telling me that he liked me. And now I worry that I'm not a challenge because I'm liking him back, maybe?

I'm struggling to just chill out and enjoy it, especially on a day like today (where he doesn't text me till noon and after I've texted him - tiny things blow up in my head and stress me out)

better4me posted 11/26/2013 11:56 AM

Ah, Crash, you do need to breathe through this. He sounds very nice, you sound very nice the relationship sounds very nice. It is normal to have worries about relationships; even people who haven't been betrayed like we have worry about being liked for who they are, feel insecure etc.

What I try to remember on days like you are having is this. 1)I am strong, I survived betrayal I can survive anything 2) my thoughts are not the truth, I can rely on the last thing/action I saw/heard from a SO as the place they are still coming from 3)If something changes in a relationship, I will deal with it when it happens, not before it happens.

It takes practice practice practice to continue to let go of the scary thoughts and uncomfortable feelings. Breathe through this!

Crescita posted 11/26/2013 12:39 PM

I try to focus more on me, and less on the relationship when I get like this. It's a win-win, you stay happy, pressure is taken off your partner, the relationship thrives. If keeping your interests in sight hurts the relationship, it's usually better to move along than lose yourself completely.

devistatedmom posted 11/28/2013 17:16 PM

Enjoy it Crash. Don't over-think. I wish I was were you are right now.

LearningToRun posted 11/28/2013 19:45 PM

I have so been in this position. And the triggers were mine, all mine.
And someone wise pointed out to me that this was just the flip side to the joy i was feeling.

From the Brene Brown theories - if you shut down the negative, you also shut down joy - the reverse is also true - when you open yourself up to the joy, the reverse vulnerability is there too.
It just shows he is becoming important to you. If you can think of this way and realize it is paired with the joy, it might help.

It did me, anyhow. :)

homewrecked2011 posted 11/28/2013 21:20 PM

A counselor told me that in any relationship the more you get involved, the more easy it is for these feelings to come up because there is more of you invested with each passing day.

I read the book "Why Men Love Bitches". It is a book about keeping your self confidence while you are dating --- the title is really just an attention grabber... The book really helped me.