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But you're so pretty! or...But you're such a good person!

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marlie2014 posted 11/26/2013 11:20 AM

I was many of you get this response when you tell people that you're divorcing and the reason why? I don't necessarily blurt "my husband cheated" to everyone I meet, but for many of my coworkers and friends when they learned this, their response was my subject line.

I myself had the same attitude...when I would hear that *insert name of beautiful Hollywood actress here*'s husband had cheated and they were divorcing, I would think, "But she's such a beautiful woman! Why would he cheat on HER???"

Why does everyone think that the WS's infidelity is about the BS? That kind of response seems to imply that it would be understandable if the BS were unattractive or a mean person, but if the BS is attractive and nice, they would never be cheated on.

I know in my own case that the cheating has nothing whatsoever to do with me. WS is a sex addict with serious mental issues that he managed to mostly hide from me for years; at no time did he cheat because the OW was somehow superior to me. Instead, he chose OW's much, much younger than himself (teenage girls, mostly) to repeat the cycle of sexual abuse that he went through as a young boy.

So when someone says, "But you're so..." I always feel irritated (although I suppose I should feel flattered that they think no man would want to trade me for someone else) and want to explain that the cheating was never about me, my looks, or my qualities.

What about all of you?

sparkysable posted 11/26/2013 12:25 PM

I don't think it's meant to be an insult to the BS, as if they did something wrong, it's more of an insult to the WS, like "what is wrong with you?" that they would give up something so good, for something not as good.

Gemini71 posted 11/26/2013 13:01 PM

I agree with SparkySable. It's similar to the response people had when Halle Berry was cheated on. "Who the hell would do that!" In other words, he just threw away a diamond in exchange for coal.

miadianna posted 11/26/2013 13:09 PM

I'll never forget the comment from friends who have been mutual friends of ours for over 20 years. They said "Not to sound mean but we would think you would be the one to cheat just because of what you look like and what he looks like." It's upsetting,

Looks really have nothing to do with cheating or what kind of person you are. But it is very hurtful, I understand and have heard those type of comments too.

Lola7 posted 11/26/2013 14:02 PM

My future X picked a woman who is short, dumpy and looks like my mom, but is actually 4 years younger than me. He even said she had bad skin and her "body wasn't all that hot". But yet, here I am.

I'm rapidly approached 20 lbs lost since this started. I can't wait to see him in court.

marlie2014 posted 11/26/2013 14:54 PM

Lola -- that's awesome!

I know that the people telling me this are trying to be nice, it's just kind of awkward for me and something inside me feels perturbed. I'll bet Halle's husband didn't cheat because of Halle's looks, either...

SBB posted 11/26/2013 15:12 PM

I got this a lot. The sad clown was punching way above his weight in looks, intellect, wit, charm, sex appeal.

It used to bother me - I'd school them that it had nothing to do with me. AT.ALL. He cheated with ugly women, pretty women and everything in between.

EvenKeel posted 11/26/2013 15:24 PM

I think sometimes ppl just do not know what to say when they are shocked by what happened to us.

My one friend looked at me so sincere and muttered "What a fool he is...."

I thought that summed it up best and touched my heart.

It is true - does not matter how skinny or fluffy we are, blonde or black hair, etc......the bottomline is they are fools.

phmh posted 12/1/2013 12:52 PM

I take it as a compliment.

I still remember the first time I got it -- XWH and I had volunteered at an animal rescue center for about 8 years on D-Day. The ladies rallied around me, and one of them said, "I can't believe HE cheated on YOU" and then they went about discussing how if anyone should have cheated it should have been me since I was way too good for him and deserved better, etc.

At the time, I didn't know as much about cheating/cheaters as I do now. But after I learned, I used comments like that as an opportunity to explain a bit about how cheating works, etc.

For people who haven't been through it, I think the default assumption is that something is wrong with the BS or with the M in order for cheating to happen.

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