I am 14 months in R. It has been the normal, usual bumpy road as most of us have been on.
My fWH has been the man, husband, father...I once knew and then some. The last time he had contact with the OW was back in February when he had to fill in at her store. Nothing romantic, but still cordial. Since then, he appears to have no concern for the OW or her BFF. He even let me send a letter about the way he felt about her now.
I love my H, I am even falling back in love with him. He shows me his remorse...he puts up with triggers...answers questions...comforts me. So, I still didn't understand how after 14months of NC on a romantic level...why do I still feel estranged? Is this just a way of protecting myself because there is still trust issues? I have read that forgiveness doesn't come till you feel safe. I know that "that" is built up over time.
He focuses so much on forgiveness. For my sake and the sake of our M. Why is that so hard? I think, I know why. I read in "Not Just Friends" that we need to forgive ourselves first.
I hadn't done that up until now. I couldn't forgive myself for being so trusting...so gullible... But, that is a good thing right? That is the qualities of a loyal and loving spouse. To trust...to believe. I have forgiven myself for being honest, good...better.
For sometime, I felt that staying was weak...I could not forgive myself for choosing this...for choosing to marry a man that betrayed me...for choosing to stay. Now, I see that is not weak...that is strong...that is grace (with the help of others on here...I see that now). That isn't being a doormat...that is love. That is living life. That is honesty...and believing in someone. It wasn't my choice that he threw that away...that he took that gift for granted.
For sometime, I couldn't forgive myself for not reacting differently. For allowing him to run the show for the first two months. For allowing him to dictate how I should feel and act. For allowing him to protect himself and his AP's (yes AP's...now I consider his relationship with the APs BFF boss an A too, though not as romantic). I couldn't forgive myself for allowing him to stonewall me. I couldn't forgive myself for putting up with the bullshit fog. But, that wasn't me...that was him...that was his doing.
For sometime I had regret for how I confronted him...her...for not telling his Boss. There is nothing I can do about it now. I can play out as many scenarios in my head that may have made me feel better if I had the chance to give in to my pain instead of worrying about pushing him away, alienating him at work, risking his job, embarrassing them all...but it will not change how it happened. I need to forgive myself for handling it the way I did. For allowing him to walk all over me for the first several months.
Sure I could have walked in and caused a scene...blew it out of the water...not believed his lies...but I can't...it is over...these regrets...these things will never change...and I am going to forgive myself for being the better person...for trusting...for believing. I wasn't weak...I was strong...I was true.
It is time to move on and no longer have the "I wish..." I did this or did it like that...
All I can do is impart some wisdom.
Tell the OBS right away. Tell HR right away. Don't let your spouse dictate how to act or feel. Don't succumb to this in fear of pushing them away, because in a few months...you will realize that they are not worth as much as you thought and that your healing and the right steps to heal your M is worth so much more than that.
I do wish I told the OBS right away and HR...it would have helped in avoiding further contact with AP and having a Band-Aid ripped off. I do wish I had walked into work and confronted them both and embarrassed the shit out of her...so everyone knew what she was. But, I can't change that and I am letting it go and forgive myself...because when it comes down to it...this was all his fault. I shouldn't have to forgive myself for making the best of a traumatic event my H dealt me.
I am in no way saying you should not own up to your share of marital problems...I am saying that no excuse is okay for the A. It is their fault if they had an A. Forgive yourself for your weaknesses...that was just reality and those weaknesses do not excuse their behavior. Those are not weaknesses (me being engrossed with being a mother of two toddlers) that is just human. Your spouse always had the choice to talk to you instead of cheat.