SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The weekend was fine. The wife sent me a text saying that it was a good weekend. She understandably freaks out if she thinks I am going to approach her physically (for a hug) but based on what I have been reading, I stressed to her that I will never touch her unless she is ok with it. During one of our discussions she mentioned that the thought of holding my hand or hugging me is repulsive and I accept that.

Today she blasted me. That is the up and downs of the betrayal, and I accept that. She wants me to make a drastic change and I don't know what that is. She doesn't understand why I did what I did, which makes sense based on my reading. I explained how my love has more depth than before and I was selfish and felt entitled. I have prayed and cried really hard over this and that is why I am beginning to understand the depth and level of commitment that it takes. With time, I pray that she can see that.

I guess..sometimes as the WS I don't think it is bad to have depressed times as well. I can't argue with what she says because it is true. Now I am just.I don't think she realizes how low I am. then I feel conflicted like why should she even care..look at what I've done. And I don't want pity...but man...this pit is so so low.

So anyway...we made lists of things to show I want this to work, and I kid you not SI, I have done everything on that list. I am doing things out of my comfort zone and putting her first and I like doing that because she deserves it. And it is a long and hard process. Just..I am rambling as I vent I guess...

As a wayward spouse..it can feel bad. NOT AS BAD AS THE BETRAYED. I am not saying that, nor am I saying that what a wayward spouse feels should take precedence..it's just.. idk. lonely at the bottom.

WS have feelings too. There is no comparison between BS and WS. We understand that, but outside of the WS forum, and even on threads without a stop sign, sometimes it is difficult to talk about the WS feelings, emotions, struggles and difficult times.

Know that we do understand. You aren't alone at the bottom. You aren't even alone in the pit. Some of us have climbed up part of the way and are sending down ropes to help you out.

I do think that after a while, many of the BS's see the struggles the WS has to go through. Just hang in there.

Welcome to the Roller Coaster from Hell.

Two years out, we're still very much on it. Great days, the BAM, It's all my fault because the sky is blue and the sun came up today. What!?

There are days when even when the WS is doing above and beyond, it's still not "enough". When a BS tanks, nothing is ever good enough. Just grit your teeth and hang on. Vent your frustrations here, a journal, outside on a tree. Don't take it out on your BS, as hard as it is. That kinda makes things worse. Don't ask me how I know.

Do not tell her how unfair she is, how irrational she is, or ask why is she not over this already. Just, don't.

And please know, that with time and consistent, positive steps in the right direction, things will get better.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 12:19 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]