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Joanh posted 11/26/2013 12:42 PM

Looking at photos saddens me, I see the fun but I also see all the thoughts and issues that kept me from really enjoying the time and the closeness that was there. In reach. It was my walls, my fear of trusting. Its so sad, my H and spoke of this this weekend. talked about how he is feeling, which I am very appreciative of, because it happens so seldom. He sees it as a weakness, and we talked about what I have been learning and how the IC has been helping me see things different.
Its just sad though and depressing. All that has been lost. The way I viewed the world and people kept me from them, my family my husband and myself. Their loss makes me cry, my children, my husband have been given a life they didn't want. They just wanted me. and I din't give them that. Its a loss for me too.
Somany wishes and what ifs run through my head. I am learning I can't change them but, BUT I can learn from them, what would have been a better way to think and feel and do.
Forgiveness, I am working on for myself. To be whole and to give my H the love and life he wants, he wants me too, he wants me to be happy, he wants me not to respond to his bad days, he wants our life to be better and happy.
Its hardtop forgive oneself when you realize you have done the damage. No one else did.
I know there were Pre-A issues, any relationship that one spouse is away from home for long periods of time causes disconnect. My Ic , books etc explain what it is, puts it too words. Even explains how it is for both sides.

My H finds it infuriating sometimes, my need for knowledge, the need to understand, I puts words into feelings I could not or cannot explain.
He doesn't believe psycho mumble jumbo. And yet its what is helping, its what resounates thru me when I read. Some of it no, its way of and other times, its omg, and situations flash through my mind and I see, does that make sense.?
And all of this was just our marriage and my life. Yes it kinda set me up to be open to my A , and they are my ultimate crime against my family the ultimate abuse, so has been my distance my walls.
IT didn't start that way with my H, but with each betrayal, each time he left to go to work, each situation that I felt unsafe and unheard, they built, resentment and walls to protect me from the *expected* hurt and loss.
I also learnt from growing up you could put on a good face a smile and pretend nothing is wrong. My family did it all the time, confrontation or expression of personal need was usually met with explosion and tirade of me being useless, never good enough, I wasn't a good mom, I would never amount to much, The expectation to be a professional and what a stupid mistake you made by having a child young , you've ruined your life. All of this has carried forward, tucked in the back but controlling my life. Let alone the abuse. Pushed it all away. I said to myself , I'm fine. I survived , others had it way worse.

I gave it control, this I also would like to forgive myself for. I am throwing it out. When my H gets back, I will be writing it down and burning it. It has haunted me long enough. My Family does not need it, nor do I.

My H may leave me yet, I do not know, what tomorrow will bring. THis is a consequence of my actions, my inability to control my need for a fix.

I have realized as well, my Affairs had nothing to do with the AP, it was a fix, Truly it may have been better to have snorted coke, or something as such, as it may be easier to understand. THis is how I feel about my affairs. I did it cause the high I got off it, then the guilt would kick in then theneed for the high, then guilt, then the realization that the high wasn't working, I had lost my marriage and this was before my H even found out. It makes me sick. Physically and mentally.

I allways stayed away from drugs for that reason, Addiction is high in my family both sides, I was afraid of it. I wasn't going to be that. And look what I did. Another thing to forgive myself for. TO forgive myself for bringing this too my family, I did not protect them, I hurt them.

Sorry for the long speel, I thought I could just make a few words about the photos and it wouldn't stop. I'm going to go now, thank you for all of your post and thoughts on SI, they help.

Jrazz posted 11/26/2013 13:47 PM

I hate "I'm fine." My mom tried to raise me to stuff all emotion and opinion (heaven help me if I was ever sick) and that definitely lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms when the going got rough. I'm also someone that knows better than to start drugs because of my addictive personality. I was saved from doing anything really destructive because I have a fearful respect of the law, as well as most social conventions. My heart just goes out to you, though, because I lived my life the way my family wanted me to and was miserable as an adult because I didn't even know who I was.

I'm sorry that your H has disparaging things to say about you wanting to understand the psychology behind your behaviors. I think it's admirable, and I certainly get some peace when I can figure out why I do something hurtful and get tips on how to stop.

Here's what I wish for you - stop the cycle of picking on you. Your family is judgey - society is judgey, and now you are being hard on yourself when you look at photos for not being the person you think you were supposed to be.

Well, today is a blank slate. There are a million moments to experience, and yes, we are going to fret through lots of them... but if you allow yourself a moment to breathe and just be ok for a sec, you can build up more times like that. Those are the WHOLE moments. Not when you're perfect, but when you allow the present to just happen with all its imperfection and know that you have every opportunity to do something good with every next step you take.

We can't control what we have lost, but we can learn from it. Let those photos go and make some new ones with new Joanh. She is worthy of forgiveness because she is asking for it.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:49 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

Aubrie posted 11/26/2013 14:06 PM

Looking at photos saddens me, I see the fun but I also see all the thoughts and issues that kept me from really enjoying the time and the closeness that was there.
Wow. Deja vu. I totally remember writing this exact post about a year and a half ago.

Pictures still haunt me. I see a shell of a human being. So many issues, insecurities, and criticisms wrapped up in human flesh. Events that should be nothing but pure joy. I cherish the memories, but the photos ruin it for me. All I see is the broken me.

The way I viewed the world and people kept me from them, my family my husband and myself. Their loss makes me cry, my children, my husband have been given a life they didn't want. They just wanted me. and I din't give them that.
I was locked away in a little protective bubble. Only superficial emotion was allowed. Nothing of any real value or depth penetrated the bubble that surrounded me. I've only very recently realized the depth and severity of my emotional distance to everyone and everything around me. It's still there. I still have walls up that I didn't realize were there.

Pushed it all away. I said to myself , I'm fine. I survived , others had it way worse.
*sigh* Yep. "I'm fine" has always been a huge part of my vocabulary. Sadly, 9.5 times out of 10, I'm not "fine". Actually acknowledging, putting into words, and dealing with what's wrong has been a project of massive proportions.

My H may leave me yet, I do not know, what tomorrow will bring. THis is a consequence of my actions, my inability to control my need for a fix.
Yep. Another recent revelation for me. Every comfort, every back-up plan has been stripped away. My FOO was always a twisted source of comfort. If something happened to QS and I, I would still have my family. Not anymore. If QS walks tomorrow, I'm literally and completely 100% on my own. Talk about traumatizing.

Affairs had nothing to do with the AP
When you're deep in Unicorn Land, it's ever so easy to sing the praises of the AP. It's easy to think that they're all that and a bag of chips. Remove yourself from the person, remove yourself from the addiction and you see things in a whole new light. Broken attracts broken. Always.

Someone told me this week to look at the experiences of life and learn from them. Learn what NOT to do next time. Make a positive out of the negative. The past won't change. Learn how to accept it, deal with it, learn from it, and change your future.

I hear you Joanh. Been there. Still there in some areas. Know you're not alone.


Unagie posted 11/26/2013 14:56 PM

Photos do us both in. We have so many where we were happy and smiling full of joy, and it hurts my heart to see them. There is one that haunts me from a New Years Eve party, where he surprised me with tickets to a Time Square party. We're holding each other and there's fairy lights and we look so in love. It was 2 months later that I met AP, that picture is a kick in the gut because I know I was happy that night but I also know that I was already so angry and depressed and I didn't acknowledge it. He has one of me that does him in every time. It's of me, on my birthday in Puerto Rico. I was dressed up and he looks at it and has said "you were so beautiful that day, but this is the first picture I ever had of you that you weren't smiling, looking at it now I should have known how bad off you were but I chose not to see it." 6 days after that picture was taken was my confession.

I've learned to not look until I'm ready and when I start judging that woman, that man, that couple in that photo I tell myself how much I've grown, what has changed and what truths have been uncovered.

Joanh dig and heal the way you need to. If your BH doesn't believe in the psycho jumble that's fine, he doesn't have to, it's what you need to heal. One caveat though, make sure he is not rugsweeping, healing cannot take place if you slap a bandage over an infected wound. Don't push him but at the same token don't act like everything is okay when it's not. Like JRazz I hate the words "I'm fine" because they've never meant that for either of us and it's deflection. It's easier to slap a smile on then wade through the muck. Take care of you, you're so worth it and I am so proud of the work you're doing.

[This message edited by Unagie at 2:57 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

Joanh posted 11/27/2013 08:23 AM

Well Crappy night, one of those 4 am, type night . Conversation via phone till midnight, then my head doesn't shut up.
Something has changed might be right now I am not sure.
My usual MO is I cry when I get overwhelmed or think about it or talk about it. I didn't, I didn't ...... we did end up in the blame game, allowed to go on to long. Plus his bitterness, his anger and hate. WHen were talking about the whys and hows. I do not know why I didn't react, my body shook, and I smoked like a chimney, but my voice stayed neutral. He even asked me why, caused I thanked him for sharing with me. And I said I was glad he could share with me. That he knows I won't run away.
But what is with this calm? I don't know. Its freaking me out. I want to get on with my day, but I can't. It feels wrong. I'm not cold I'm not frozen either. I am feeling like crying and curled up , but I am not.??????

And this too.....

First time this has happened in a long time
Then... After and during our conversation I got and am still frustrated and angry, we had talked about our marriage, we talked about the things he felt angry over and so did I, I listen to him as I have, and yet he still today will not listen to how I felt. Its all bogus. He was like that before my A. And it finally got to me last night. It was a loud alarm going off, this is never going to change.

Joanh posted 11/27/2013 08:38 AM

oh hit return to soon. Part the problem now, too is I wanted my H to be part of this burning ceremony , to help symbolize , and to let go of my foo issues and my csa. I am wanting to forgive, not the persons as such, but forgive so I can be free of the hold the hate. THe problem now is my H has informed me he can never can forgive me, how can he.
So how do I have him part of something that is important for me to do without him thinking one, your showing me up making yourself look better, or laughing cause he sees it as manipulation.
WHat is with this timing crap these days! Seems everytime, I learn something or find something, it looks like I am responding and reacting not being proactive!!!!!!!! URRRR
Sometimes there is that part of me says, you would be fine, without him, staying is only make me feel worse and send me down the bottom of the depression world, not just where I am use too. ANd live. I know its, not what I am doing. Honestly though it does cross my mind, 2x4's?

I think too I feel his frustration and his disbelief as well. WHy can't I come up with a reasonable answer to the why and hows. Because there is NONE. If there was I wouldn't regret what I did, and the harm I done to all of us.
AS it has been stated somewhere else on another post 'selfish' is too general, it really doesn't answer anything and yet it answers everything.

What do you do with it, what does my H do with.

Frick what a mess. Time heals all, I am really starting to wonder.

Joanh posted 11/27/2013 17:39 PM

Days gotten better, my son on his own reminded me he loves me, . He had a nightmare and I was right there for him till he fell back to sleep.
When I think about that, it must be kinda like that for my H. Every time he wakes, the nightmare is back again. ANd its me.

Vicious cycle, around and around it goes.

Aubrie posted 11/27/2013 17:47 PM


I'm sorry you're struggling.

The up and down, round and round, happy, sick, sad, horrified. It's mind boggling.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The sun will rise again. I promise.

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