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Double Agents

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Rainbows posted 11/26/2013 18:20 PM

It turns out that some of my personal (and our mutual) friends are double agents (this just in from Captain Obvious ).

I'm not totally naive and know people play both sides in divorces for any number of reasons. I don't judge people who do, but have kept my distance from the double agents in my life. I only have so much emotional energy on any given day.

I had to change my phone number and email address a couple of months ago due to some major Ex drama and as a result cut out 90% of the people in my life, including all of the double agents.

It's been very peaceful to be surrounded by people who love and support me. It's wonderful to know when my phone rings, it's always going to be someone who is there to lift me up.

So this afternoon one of the double agents called my mother because she was "worried." This is the friend that set me up with the Ex and was a major double agent during our first dday.

I'm not sure what to do. Do I continue to leave her in time out or make fake and distant nice to share holiday greetings?

I don't want to discuss my D or any topics of substance with her. As of right now she only has my new email address and she's blowing it up right now asking for my new number.

peridot posted 11/26/2013 18:32 PM

During the D you cut out anyone who will go back and talk to him. You don't want to be talking to someone who will go back and report your every move. That would not be good during a D.

You also cut out anyone who knew about the affair and did nothing.

That's what I would do anyway.

PurpleRose posted 11/26/2013 18:36 PM

Get rid of the toxic people. What does this person add to your life??

homewrecked2011 posted 11/26/2013 18:51 PM

I was someone who didn't listen to a lot of people because I thought they were toxic and untrustworthy, but after subpoenaing the phone records I should have at least heard them out...

I personally would listen to this person, then post here on SI what they said and what this sounds like to the "group".

Thefly559 posted 11/26/2013 18:53 PM

Gently , I disagree with your theory. I think that people are either with you or against you. You cannot play both sides. If they are my friend then they do not want me hurt and do not hurt me! With friends like those you don't need enemies. I cut all of those who were not for me and thought that they could console or condone my cheating stbxww. That was one of the best things I did and I have no regrets at all. 30 year "friendships" gone in a second. They were all toxic . I kept a select few and I mean two maybe three! I will now pick my new friends much better.

standingonmarble posted 11/26/2013 19:36 PM

Changing your phone number is a pain PITA! BTDT and I don't want to do it again. I don't give it out and when I do I make it very clear that its private. This is something you can't take back, once she has it, she has it and can give it to who ever she feels like.

email is one thing, and controllable with the push of a key.

Rainbows posted 11/26/2013 20:23 PM

Thank you so much for the feedback.

She was probably my closest friends at one point. She is kind of naive and has been manipulated by my Ex several times over the years. It inevitably put distance between us. I think her heart is in the right place, though.

My Ex is a lawyer and has threatened to subpoena some of my friends during the D (she's always number one on his list). Whether he will or not, the threat is always out there.

Purplerose - if I'm being totally honest and non-sentimental, I haven't missed her at all. She was always a little judgy and plays the one-up game with her friends.

Homewrecked - would you be willing to elaborate a little on why you think it would have been beneficial to have heard them out in retrospect? I'm curious if there's a side to it I'm not seeing right now.

Thefly and marble - I've been in a very protective space lately and want to be careful with who I let in. It has done wonders for my healing to be protected and supported.

[This message edited by Rainbows at 8:26 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

PurpleBirch posted 11/26/2013 21:19 PM

I would totally keep her cut off. Really, who needs a friend like that, when as you said you haven't really missed her anyway? Even if you don't have many close friends in real life, a good friend is better than 30 double-agent-friends.

Gemini71 posted 11/26/2013 21:48 PM

You said you changed your phone number a couple of months ago, and she's just now trying to contact you? What's so important that it can't be communicated via email? Makes one suspicious.
Option one, give her an 'email only' probationary period. You don't have to decide right now.
Option two, ignore her. You didn't miss her, you don't need her. Enjoy your healing cocoon a while longer.

momentintime posted 11/27/2013 00:54 AM

I would talk with you Mom and tell her not to give out your phone or email address. She should tell people who enquiry, she can take a message but she doesn't give out your personal information.

SBB posted 11/27/2013 02:38 AM

During the D you cut out anyone who will go back and talk to him. You don't want to be talking to someone who will go back and report your every move. That would not be good during a D.

You also cut out anyone who knew about the affair and did nothing.

THIS. I've cut out anyone who supports him. Not taking sides is taking sides. XSILs and BIL are still on FB as are some mutual friends. I restrict most of what they can see so they only see my girls.

I've built an entirely new ecosystem filled with lovely, good, honest people. People with integrity and values.

Anyone from that old life is from the dark side. Like a parasite just waiting to sully my lovely little ecosystem. I will not let them in.

Ashland13 posted 11/27/2013 12:33 PM

Hi Rainbows,

This is hard. It was hard for me at the beginning to understand who was a double agent because some of them are better at hiding it than others.

And sometimes when I chose to let one back in, so to speak, it often backfired. Even if it was just "company talk" as you say, making nice, talk about the news, the weather...doesn't matter.

I had to cut all of them because they talked to each other and it got back to him or they talked to him and also distorted things.

And now OW is in public view and I don't want it to know one thing about me, so I've cut nearly the entire family.

There is one I struggle with who is a family member but I don't think an agent because she is denying Fatty B and does not speak to X. But I keep contact to "nice" so that I can keep her in our life. It took a lot of courage for her to stand up to X and tribe and I couldn't let her go, in the face of that.

One time I tried letting one back in and as soon as she started speaking of my "situation", I cut the cord again. It seems like some of them, as soon as you are nice, they think it's just like before.

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