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Newest Member: 4ever2gether (45763)

User Topic: what to do-time sensitive
rbf1234
♀ 39471
Member # 39471
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just saw phone records.

WH exchanged 70-100 texts a month in August and September with a woman named K, often pic/video, often late at night. Often when I was home. Stopped early October.

This was not his 1 year long AP. This is a work colleague with whom he admitted sexing after DD for the 1 year affair.

I asked him to go NC last December. He promised to do so. But he continue through end of the January when I found out because the texts came to my phone by mistake. Once again, he promised to go NC sort of, but said he couldn't do it completely since they were obligated to continue to do some work together, wrapping up a project ... and anyway she was in another city far away. But he did promise to minimize contact and go professional all the way.

Even without his recent wayward history, I don't believe that late night texting at that quantity with pics is professional or minimal.

BTW,I can't see the texts. He deleted them all. Phone records only show the numbers and times, not the texts themselves.

When I called to confront, he offered to send NC letter #3. OMG.

So:

1. How big a deal is this?

2. Clearly he is unable to maintain boundaries. And this with someone he says he isn't attracted to - what happens when he is attracted to the person.

3. I can't divorce. Trust me I have good reason. Has anyone ever considered saying - okay we can live together as co-parents and friends, but romantically and sexually just be independent. That is sounding mighty good right now.

I can't handle any more anger or stress.

Am going to meet him for a convo in one hour.


Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. It's a big deal. He is showing a huge lack of respect and continued wayward behavior.

2. Doesn't matter if he is attracted or not attracted, this is about a brokenness in him that he is not addressing. The attention, the thrill of the secrecy, whatever it is he is getting from it is not based on the person but on the behaviors.

3. I am currently living with my ex due to money issues and believe me it is HELL on earth. I do not have kids but being friends with someone who has no respect for you is not something you should want to do...believe me it hurts beyond belief. Remember a lot of your response is coming from this new discovery and the anger from it. The hurt and pain you will continue to feel while living with him will continue to mount, it does not get easier when the person is unremorseful.

Go into this as calmly as possible stating your position and terms as of right now, make it clear they may change once you've had time to think some more. He should be doing everything to accommodate. I understand you can't divorce so try to think of what the best outcome for you looks like and set the terms in place to get you there.

4.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2802 | Registered: Oct 2012
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

okay we can live together as co-parents and friends, but romantically and sexually just be independent

I am currently living in this sich, except I don't consider him a friend anymore. I have a projected date of departure. I could no way do it for any longer than the time I can D. It's doable until or if things get too hard to handle.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
rbf1234
♀ 39471
Member # 39471
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we had our confrontation last night. I was completely calm and let him have the floor. He is mortified and having a bit of a breakdown now, which is bad for him, but suggests hope for some change.

He has agreed to make a host of changes in addition to what he has done in the past, i.e.:
- see a shrink to be assess for anti-anxiety medication (he is already in talk therapy IC);
- stop drinking
- send a NC letter that I approve;
- look for a 12 step program;
- etc. etc.

He is freaking out really, begging me to stay and help him.(I am going to start a new thread...asking for advice.)


Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2013
Razor
♂ 16345
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look at his repeated behavior.

Doing all these external things wont change a thing. He has to change himself internally. A IC can help with that. But just going to a IC does nothing.

Your crossed the line. Again.
Are there any consequences for him doing that?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is freaking out really, begging me to stay and help him.
My XWH did this too. It is a manipulation tactic to stall for time.
He cried crocodile tears, begged, and pleaded. He agreed that he needed help, didn't know why he was the way he was, yadda yadda.
Then as soon as I showed any sympathy or tried to "help" him, he screwed me over again.

Take a look at my signature. I stayed in this insane cycle for over 15 years.

YOU cannot help him. He has to make the changes himself (or with the help of a professional).
YOU are not responsible for his behavior.
YOU are not to blame for his behavior.

If I could do it all again, I would boot him out the door until he showed REAL change.
Oh- and I tried the "roommate" style marriage for the last couple of years. It is its own type of hell, but by then I had an exit plan (finish my degree, etc) and stuck it out.

Given the fact that he is a repeat offender, do you really think he's going to change?
You are worth so more than what he is giving you.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 10:42 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6694 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Topic Posts: 6

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