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Do I contact him?

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rosie79 posted 11/26/2013 19:48 PM

My WS continues to deny his affair that I found out about 2 months ago. He even denied it after I caught him at her home. Again I get the they are just friends, I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore. I started the 180 yesterday. Today I got the text record from the phone company. 3000 txts between them in 2 months. Do I confront him with this information or continue the 180 so that I can move forward with my life? He won't be home tonight since he thinks its ok to sleep on her couch. I know obviously he isn't on the couch. He refuses to leave our home, even though I have asked him to. If I do contact him should I wait till he comes home?

hopefulmother posted 11/26/2013 19:53 PM

Never contact him...till he comes home with true remorse. He isn't going to do that in one night...may be weeks. Stick to your you have the proof and keep that to yourself for now.

HurtButHopeful? posted 11/26/2013 20:05 PM

I'm so sorry you are here rosie79. Were you intiating contact with him prior to yesterday? If you were, he is going to notice your silence and want to talk with you. Stand your ground, with his two choices. If he refuses to make a decision, make it for him.


Holly-Isis posted 11/26/2013 20:08 PM

I'd contact a lawyer instead. Sounds like he's pretty much abandoned you. You might be able to get exclusive use of the home.

rosie79 posted 11/26/2013 20:24 PM

He keeps saying we are done, I agree, tell him we will only discuss kids and money, yet he still comes around to pick fights with me and stays 1 or 2 nights a week. He spends hardly anytime with his kids, whereas before he was completely involved. I've called him out on multiple lies. We cannot file for a D till September due to some legal issues, and he says he can come and go till then. Also tells me I threw away the most faithful person I will ever have, and this is my fault since I told some of our friends. I have not contacted him today, just wasn't sure if I should, confront him with more truth, but I know he will have a lie for that too.

7yrsflushed posted 11/26/2013 20:40 PM

HI Rosie79, welcome to SI. Some good people around here to help you through this shitstorm. I am pissed for you so excuse my bluntness...

Also tells me I threw away the most faithful person I will ever have, and this is my fault since I told some of our friends.

This is a line of complete and utter bullshit that he is throwing your way. He doesn't know the meaning of the word faithful. He threw himself away when he decided to have an affair that he is blatantly throwing in your face. Please understand that nothing he did or continues to do is your fault. Nothing you did caused him to have an Affair. He made that choice himself when he had SOOOOO many other options. He could have talked to you, gone to counseling, hell even field for Divorce if he wasn't happy but instead he is blameshifting, deflecting and trying to stir the pot so he doesn't have to take a long hard look at himself. Continue with a hard 180. I mean don't do ANYTHING for him. Don't leave him food to eat, don't wash his clothes, anything you did for him in the past stops. You focus completely on you so you can detach and make decisions you need to make.

Do I confront him with this information or continue the 180 so that I can move forward with my life?
Confronting him won't make him stop and he knows you know about the A. If you live in a fault state keep all the evidence for your L. IMO, don't contact him at all. Act like he is dead to you and detach as best you can. He is using the confrontations with you to justify continuing his Affair. He wants to cake eat with both you and OW. The confrontations are because you won't get back in line and let him have both of you. Don't fall for that shit. When he gets home do your best to ignore him. The 180 isn't about getting him back it's about empowering yourself so you can make better choices and decisions about what you want going forward. Start putting together a plan for getting out and focus on that. Keep posting it helps. Remember one day at a time and if you fall off the 180 just get right back up and start it again.

ETA: Do what you can when you can. Just remember that if he is still in the A then he is still going to lie to you. That's what unremorseful spouses do. So take care of yourself. It's still early for you in the process so do what you can right now to take care of you. Take care of yourself and don't take his bullshit.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:44 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

crazynot posted 11/27/2013 00:06 AM

Don't let him come back and forth between your house and hers. Please. See a lawyer and ask about getting exclusive use of the house. This sounds horrific for you and at the very least you shouldn't have to see his sorry face while he's doing this to you.

HurtButHopeful? posted 11/27/2013 10:37 AM

rosie, imagine this going on for the next 10 months. It will be utter hell for you, and very unhealthy for your children. Imagine him coming and going at will, disrespecting you and picking arguments with you, you being unable to contact him, but him being able to show up at any time, etc. No one should live this way.

You need to talk with a lawyer to find out your rights and establish some boundaries, legal ones, that will bring some order out of the chaos WH has created and wants to continue.

You don't have to get a D right now, but you can begin to get some peace and control over your own life.

Do this for you and your children.


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