"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

cantletgo2 posted 11/26/2013 22:18 PM

Ahhh, it's supremely ironic, isn't it?

And I want to stop, and I decide every morning and I change my mind every afternoon.

I don't know how. And part of me doesn't want to. It's the only thing I have that's mine, that only belongs to me.

Oh hell

[This message edited by cantletgo2 at 8:07 AM, November 29th (Friday)]

SandAway posted 11/27/2013 06:40 AM

So your husband knows about your A but doesn't know you actually had sex with the OM? How was his reaction? How is he now?

How long was your A? If you fell in love with the OM, it must have been more then a couple months.

It's the only thing I have that's mine, that only belongs to me.

Really? How selfish can you be? Yes, your the one having an A, but your A DOES affect your family. You risk your BH's health in many ways - not just STD's. My BH is forever changed by my A - not from an STD, but from the trauma it caused him.

So now your going to continue with your selfishness by staying married for the sake of your DS. How wonderful it will be to watch the unhappiness in his parents lives; Realizing years later that mom only stayed married to dad because of him. Won't that be a great realization when he is older and taking these FOO issues into his own relationship.

You sound so flippant in your post; I see zero remorse and I am not even sure you regret having an A...

[This message edited by SandAway at 6:40 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

BaxtersBFF posted 11/27/2013 07:49 AM

Welcome to the other side of the fence. I'm glad that you were able to recover from what your WBF put you through.

There isn't really anything ironic about it. In this case, I would say the irony is probably a perception of yours based on your views of being a BGF in your previous relationship. What did you do back then to help yourself process and heal? Did your WBF show any remorse or ever regret at all? or was he one of those who just said "it's all your fault" and then left for the OW?

I guess that stuff doesn't really matter much now does it.

So, was your BH emotionally unavailable? Seems weird that you point out that your OM was emotionally unavailable. Do you really think you fell in love? After all you've been through you really see your A as something equivalent to love?

What did you really want? What do you think might be missing? What did you do to find those things? Was your BH at all aware of these issues? Did you talk to him?

Until you tell your BH the whole truth, and until you go NC with the OM, you won't be able to think clearly enough to make any sensible decisions.

Oh, and is the OM married?

ResoluteH posted 11/27/2013 08:04 AM

It's the only thing I have that's mine, that only belongs to me.

As SandAway says, that sounds selfish -- but welcome to the club. Selfishness is one of my own character flaws that enabled me to have an affair against my own beliefs about right and wrong. In fact, in my opinion, all of us who have had affairs are, to one degree or another, selfish.

It also sounds a bit self-pitying. As in, "Poor me! I don't have anything else, so I can't give up my affair." Well, welcome to that club, too. You'll see that reflected in all sorts of rationalizations for "why I had an affair" -- often in some form of "My marriage/spouse didn't make me happy."

The key is not to get stuck in selfishness and self-pity (or a host of other unhealthy thought patterns that lead us to betraying our spouses) or in shame or self-loathing (or a host of other unhealthy thought patterns that often follow disclosure of an affair).

Here's my suggestion. Take it for what it's worth, coming from someone who is hardly a world-class expert on relationships.
1. Remind yourself, over and over, that you have much more than the affair. Make a list, mentally or on paper, of some of the things that are important to you. Given the season, you might make it a list of things you're thankful for. The list might include your spouse and your marriage, but be honest about that. It might include your son, your extended family, your job, your self-respect, your own personal values, your reputation, your health, your financial well being, your home, etc.
2. Remind yourself over and over that your affair can -- and likely will -- take away, destroy, or at least seriously damage many or all of the things on your list.
3. Remind yourself over and over (even part if you doesn't believe it -- in fact, that's the part you're talking to when you tell yourself this) that some, most, or all of the things that you find appealing about your affair or your affair partner are not true. They are illusory. You created them in your own imagination. For example, you think you're looking for things that are missing in your marriage, so some part of you must think your affair will provide them, but another part of you recognizes your affair partner is emotionally unavailable. Remind yourself of that last little tidbit.
4. Stop the affair. Now. Not just until this afternoon. For good.

pointofnoreturn posted 11/27/2013 08:53 AM

When you get married, you pretty much agree to share your life and yourself with your partner. If you have a child, your life is now dedicated to raising them to be the best they can be. It's really, really selfish to have an A just because you're unhappy with the life you have now.

I mean, out of all things you could potentially have to yourself, an A is the choice? Really?

I mean, given the stop sign, we are or all once were in the same boat here. I'm just telling you once that fog goes away, and you realize the gravity of what you done....fuck, it hurts.

Something is telling you it's wrong. You know that it's selfish to cheat. Yet, you never follow through with it. Is your quick thrill really worth your husband and son being ripped to shreds?

You done it. And there's no going back now. The only thing you can do is lessen the blow. That doesn't mean TT. That means ending the affair. Now. Today. That's writing down a timeline so your BH can know everything. It's better to get it all out in one blow than to string him along for months with TT.

Please, you need to end this.

Aubrie posted 11/27/2013 09:25 AM

Yes, I own my s***.

Uhhh, no. You don't. Your entire posts screams entitled and selfish. And you want to run away. That's not owning squat.

And I fell in love.

It's just like when your ex-boyfriend fell in love with his affair partner. Did you buy his story of everlasting looooove with his AP?

Mrs Panda posted 11/27/2013 09:48 AM

And I want to stop, and I decide every morning and I change my mind every afternoon.

That is the definition of not owning your shit.
And living in the fog.

My APs were "emotionally unavailable" too. Seems to be the type I go for. Said a lot more about me than about them.

Not confessing about the sex is about the worst thing you can do right now, because when the truth comes out later it will be 100x worse.

Keep posting

20WrongsVs1 posted 11/27/2013 10:34 AM

I'm not going to smack you upside the head with 2x4s, because when I came to SI in April my head was just as far up my ass as yours is now. And there was no talking sense into me. Granted, that sounded like a 2x4. But, I'm saying, I get where you are, and I remember it well. With horror and revulsion.

You have a choice to make. Make it. Live with it.

Fast forward 10 years. Do you want to be sitting at your kitchen table with your son and his father, in an intact marriage, planning the Thanksgiving menu and helping DS choose which high school he attends next fall? Or, do you want to be dropping DS off at his dad's house, because he has Thanksgiving this year and you have Christmas? DS loves spending time at Dad's, anyway, because his stepmom (clearly your H had no trouble remarrying) is pretty cool, and he dotes on his 5-year-old half-brother and 2-year-old sister. In fact he's jealous and resentful that they're going on a Disney cruise over Christmas, while he's staying home with you. Because he's the only thing you have that's yours.

Clarrissa posted 11/27/2013 16:29 PM

FWS here. Seems to me you're trying to convince people (and yourself) that your A was "special". Well, news flash, it ain't. Never was.
You said your OM is emotionally unavailable so that leads me to believe that what you feel isn't love (not that I would think it is) but a challenge. Are *you* the one who can get him to open up? If so, how long will it take? How far will you have to go? Can you get him to profess undying love for you? I'd be willing to bet that no matter what you do or say, it won't change him a bit. I'd even go so far as to say that he's using you. He's enjoying the fact that he's got you so hooked that you'd do just about anything to get him emotionally available to you.
So, another 2x4 coming. Get your head out of your ass, own your crappy choice to have an A, confess *everything* to your H and deal with the consequences. You know what it's like being on the BS side, don't kid yourself that your H won't feel the same. Your A isn't different, isn't "special" no matter what you're telling yourself right now.

Alyssamd24 posted 11/27/2013 17:47 PM

And I want to stop, and I decide every morning and I change my mind every afternoon.

I can empathize with this...this is something I thought every single day for almost nine months while I was involved in my A......I would even block my XAP from FB or email only to unblock him literally minutes later. I also calculated and pursued....I knew exactly what to say to push his buttons and get a reaction from him and did it time and time again.....as I am writing this now I cringe at the manipulative,disgusting, selfish person I was....after D Day my BH told me he hopes our DD won't grow up and be like me....as a mother I am sure you can imagine how badly that hurt me to hear....but he was right. I don't want my DD to be like me either.....or at least not the woman I was a year ago.

I understand that you feel your A is special and that you are in love with your AP, but we have all felt that way at some point.....and we were all wrong.

How did your BH find out about your A? How long has it been going on? Is your AP married?

cantletgo2 posted 11/27/2013 18:39 PM

Ya'll have me pegged allright.