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Leafan1976 (original poster new member #36338) posted at 5:13 AM on Wednesday, November 27th, 2013
Ok. Have a question. Should I have full access to all her accounts.... I need to know.
Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter
Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 5:16 AM on Wednesday, November 27th, 2013
She should offer you access to everything. Those with nothing to hide hide nothing. She can have privacy when she needs to use the restroom.
"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom
iwillNOT ( member #40605) posted at 5:46 AM on Wednesday, November 27th, 2013
But she can't take her phone with her to the restroom. Seriously.
Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every
authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 12:07 PM on Wednesday, November 27th, 2013
Why wouldn't you? If there is nothing to hide, WS won't care.
My BS and I have full access to each other's everything.
DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.
Bobbi_sue ( member #10347) posted at 2:18 PM on Wednesday, November 27th, 2013
I answered your other thread. Because my H was willing to do this, and came up with the idea on his own, since he realized it might help me regain some trust, if I checked and found nothing on a regular basis, we are still together 7 years later.
Are you going to feel any better if she begrudgingly gives you access becasue people on a forum told her that she should? I would think it would hardly count unless it was her own idea, or at the very least she very willingly said, "oh, that is the least I could do! Here are my passwords, etc."
steadfast1973 ( member #24719) posted at 3:38 PM on Wednesday, November 27th, 2013
People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"
KeepCalm_CarryOn ( member #33374) posted at 3:41 PM on Wednesday, November 27th, 2013
Yes.
If there's nothing to hide, this shouldn't be an issue. My FWH and I have full access to everything at all times. He gave me his info on D-day...eventually I added my info to our passwords spreadsheet (yeah, I know you're not really supposed to have one...) but this way if he ever changes a password he changes it on the sheet and the info is always there.
You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.
Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013
LadyQ ( member #32847) posted at 3:44 PM on Wednesday, November 27th, 2013
I think it's necessary, but if they aren't willing to give access of their own accord, how genuine is the effort? I demanded full access, and he seemingly gave it. I found out later he had other secret email and dating/personals website accounts. It seems the truly remorseful "I'll do ANYTHING to save the marriage" spouse would willingly grant full access.
Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...
Zayda1 ( member #35387) posted at 1:58 AM on Thursday, November 28th, 2013
I have full access to all accounts. I also switch out my phone for his phone at a moments notice.
If he didn't give me full access it would have been over for us.
Married 10 years, together for 12 years
2 children (9 years & 6 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)
FeelingSoMuch ( member #38814) posted at 2:11 AM on Thursday, November 28th, 2013
Yes, it's part of rebuilding trust.
My WW refused this immediately after d-day because she intended -- and did -- break NC with OM.
When OM told her it was over, she finally gave me access to everything.
Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001. Married since 2007. Found out about her affairs in 2013. Now separated, waiting for divorce paperwork and in a wonderful new relationship. Life is good again.
1devastedmom ( member #38399) posted at 3:33 AM on Thursday, November 28th, 2013
Absolutely. It's the only reason I gave my WH a second chance.
greengiant ( member #41196) posted at 9:43 PM on Thursday, November 28th, 2013
You should have access, I think trust can only be earned trough actions, and this is one.
ME - BS - 35 (33 on dDay)
fWW - 35 (33 on dDay)
Married 10 years, together 17
3 kids: 8, 6 and 4
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW
pointofnoreturn ( member #41034) posted at 11:01 PM on Thursday, November 28th, 2013
I'd say this is one of the easiest steps to take to regain trust. My BBF has access to anything at any time but doesn't seem to care either way. However, I think it's at least showing something.
Also, no secret accounts/phones! Doing that just defeats the purpose.
So I guess it's up to you, but a remorseful WS should just give it up willingly.
Unagie ( member #37091) posted at 4:42 AM on Friday, November 29th, 2013
Yes it was one of the biggest things between us. He had full access to everything after my confession, he always has. After his A and my subsequent DDay he changed all his passwords and has never told me the new ones.
Brandon808 ( member #35619) posted at 5:02 AM on Friday, November 29th, 2013
My question would be why shouldn't you?
It isn't just what you can read in her accounts. It's about transparency. It's about saying with her actions that she will no longer keep secrets from you because the secret she kept was one of profound betrayal. It speaks to how much she truly wants R.
For my part, when I was still married, I told anyone I knew if they wanted to share something with me they cannot ask me to keep it from my wife.
refuz2bavictim ( member #27176) posted at 8:17 AM on Friday, November 29th, 2013
I had full access to everything before the A, and once again after the A.
When he became a defensive with his phone, his computer and started it with him to the bathroom I should have known.
I operate on this premise now...ANY topic that makes my FWH defensive, needs further investigation.
sri624 ( member #33956) posted at 3:34 AM on Saturday, November 30th, 2013
yes, it should be mandatory. my wh refused to give me access to his phone after dday1. i let it go...fooling myself into thinking it wasnt important. that should have been mhy red flag.
well, 9 months later, i looked in his phone while he was asleep and found out i was in false r the whole time.
i would not be with him if he had not given me access to everything. btdt.
if the cheater doesnt want to give you access to their phone, email, etc...they have something to hide. either they are still cheating in some form, or dont want you to see somthing...or have intentions of cheating.
it is all very simple.
any big discussion about principles, privacy, respect, or it not being necessary, or not important in any way whatsoever...any type of defensiveness about the cheater giving you access....is a bunch of BS.
it really, really is.
and there is no exception.
BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance
Brandon808 ( member #35619) posted at 3:43 AM on Saturday, November 30th, 2013
I wanted to add something because the title of your thread threw me a little bit until I figured it out.
Is full access mandatory
It was the word "mandatory" that just doesn't sit right with me. Mandatory is a word we use when we're following some sort of rule, regulation or law.
Full access shouldn't be "mandatory". Full access should be simply be given by both of you to each other. It should be a by-product of your mutual commitment.
UndecidedinMA ( member #33732) posted at 4:21 AM on Saturday, November 30th, 2013
Absolutely full transparency is a dealbreaker.
I have every password, every account, every email if you hide anything I am out!!!
As I tell FWSO you brought us here, you want me - you deal or you gone!!!!
ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R
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