"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Leafan1976 posted 11/26/2013 23:13 PM

Ok. Have a question. Should I have full access to all her accounts.... I need to know.

Jrazz posted 11/26/2013 23:16 PM

She should offer you access to everything. Those with nothing to hide hide nothing. She can have privacy when she needs to use the restroom.

iwillNOT posted 11/26/2013 23:46 PM

But she can't take her phone with her to the restroom. Seriously.

authenticnow posted 11/27/2013 06:07 AM

Why wouldn't you? If there is nothing to hide, WS won't care.

My BS and I have full access to each other's everything.

Bobbi_sue posted 11/27/2013 08:18 AM

I answered your other thread. Because my H was willing to do this, and came up with the idea on his own, since he realized it might help me regain some trust, if I checked and found nothing on a regular basis, we are still together 7 years later.

Are you going to feel any better if she begrudgingly gives you access becasue people on a forum told her that she should? I would think it would hardly count unless it was her own idea, or at the very least she very willingly said, "oh, that is the least I could do! Here are my passwords, etc."

steadfast1973 posted 11/27/2013 09:38 AM

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 11/27/2013 09:41 AM

Yes.

If there's nothing to hide, this shouldn't be an issue. My FWH and I have full access to everything at all times. He gave me his info on D-day...eventually I added my info to our passwords spreadsheet (yeah, I know you're not really supposed to have one...) but this way if he ever changes a password he changes it on the sheet and the info is always there.

LadyQ posted 11/27/2013 09:44 AM

I think it's necessary, but if they aren't willing to give access of their own accord, how genuine is the effort? I demanded full access, and he seemingly gave it. I found out later he had other secret email and dating/personals website accounts. It seems the truly remorseful "I'll do ANYTHING to save the marriage" spouse would willingly grant full access.

Zayda1 posted 11/27/2013 19:58 PM

I have full access to all accounts. I also switch out my phone for his phone at a moments notice.

If he didn't give me full access it would have been over for us.

FeelingSoMuch posted 11/27/2013 20:11 PM

Yes, it's part of rebuilding trust.

My WW refused this immediately after d-day because she intended -- and did -- break NC with OM.

When OM told her it was over, she finally gave me access to everything.

1devastedmom posted 11/27/2013 21:33 PM

Absolutely. It's the only reason I gave my WH a second chance.

greengiant posted 11/28/2013 15:43 PM

You should have access, I think trust can only be earned trough actions, and this is one.

pointofnoreturn posted 11/28/2013 17:01 PM

I'd say this is one of the easiest steps to take to regain trust. My BBF has access to anything at any time but doesn't seem to care either way. However, I think it's at least showing something.

Also, no secret accounts/phones! Doing that just defeats the purpose.

So I guess it's up to you, but a remorseful WS should just give it up willingly.

Unagie posted 11/28/2013 22:42 PM

Yes it was one of the biggest things between us. He had full access to everything after my confession, he always has. After his A and my subsequent DDay he changed all his passwords and has never told me the new ones.

Brandon808 posted 11/28/2013 23:02 PM

My question would be why shouldn't you?
It isn't just what you can read in her accounts. It's about transparency. It's about saying with her actions that she will no longer keep secrets from you because the secret she kept was one of profound betrayal. It speaks to how much she truly wants R.

For my part, when I was still married, I told anyone I knew if they wanted to share something with me they cannot ask me to keep it from my wife.

refuz2bavictim posted 11/29/2013 02:17 AM

I had full access to everything before the A, and once again after the A.

When he became a defensive with his phone, his computer and started it with him to the bathroom I should have known.

I operate on this premise now...ANY topic that makes my FWH defensive, needs further investigation.

sri624 posted 11/29/2013 21:34 PM

yes, it should be mandatory. my wh refused to give me access to his phone after dday1. i let it go...fooling myself into thinking it wasnt important. that should have been mhy red flag.

well, 9 months later, i looked in his phone while he was asleep and found out i was in false r the whole time.

i would not be with him if he had not given me access to everything. btdt.

if the cheater doesnt want to give you access to their phone, email, etc...they have something to hide. either they are still cheating in some form, or dont want you to see somthing...or have intentions of cheating.

it is all very simple.

any big discussion about principles, privacy, respect, or it not being necessary, or not important in any way whatsoever...any type of defensiveness about the cheater giving you access....is a bunch of BS.

it really, really is.

and there is no exception.

Brandon808 posted 11/29/2013 21:43 PM

I wanted to add something because the title of your thread threw me a little bit until I figured it out.

Is full access mandatory

It was the word "mandatory" that just doesn't sit right with me. Mandatory is a word we use when we're following some sort of rule, regulation or law.

Full access shouldn't be "mandatory". Full access should be simply be given by both of you to each other. It should be a by-product of your mutual commitment.

UndecidedinMA posted 11/29/2013 22:21 PM

Absolutely full transparency is a dealbreaker.

I have every password, every account, every email if you hide anything I am out!!!

As I tell FWSO you brought us here, you want me - you deal or you gone!!!!