Topic: Is full access mandatory
Member # 36338
| Posted: 11:13 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013|
Ok. Have a question. Should I have full access to all her accounts.... I need to know.
Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter
Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 31349
| Posted: 11:16 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013|
She should offer you access to everything. Those with nothing to hide hide nothing. She can have privacy when she needs to use the restroom.
Reality doesn't exist until we measure it.
Posts: 23508 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 40605
| Posted: 11:46 PM, November 26th (Tuesday), 2013|
But she can't take her phone with her to the restroom. Seriously.
Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.
Posts: 619 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 16024
| Posted: 6:07 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013|
Why wouldn't you? If there is nothing to hide, WS won't care.
My BS and I have full access to each other's everything.
When we deny the story, it defines us. When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending. Brene Brown
Posts: 43584 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 10347
| Posted: 8:18 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013|
I answered your other thread. Because my H was willing to do this, and came up with the idea on his own, since he realized it might help me regain some trust, if I checked and found nothing on a regular basis, we are still together 7 years later.
Are you going to feel any better if she begrudgingly gives you access becasue people on a forum told her that she should? I would think it would hardly count unless it was her own idea, or at the very least she very willingly said, "oh, that is the least I could do! Here are my passwords, etc."
Posts: 6012 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 24719
| Posted: 9:38 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013|
People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen
Posts: 2290 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 33374
| Posted: 9:41 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013|
If there's nothing to hide, this shouldn't be an issue. My FWH and I have full access to everything at all times. He gave me his info on D-day...eventually I added my info to our passwords spreadsheet (yeah, I know you're not really supposed to have one...) but this way if he ever changes a password he changes it on the sheet and the info is always there.
You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.
Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013
Posts: 2097 | Registered: Sep 2011
Member # 32847
| Posted: 9:44 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013|
I think it's necessary, but if they aren't willing to give access of their own accord, how genuine is the effort? I demanded full access, and he seemingly gave it. I found out later he had other secret email and dating/personals website accounts. It seems the truly remorseful "I'll do ANYTHING to save the marriage" spouse would willingly grant full access.
Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...
Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 35387
| Posted: 7:58 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013|
I have full access to all accounts. I also switch out my phone for his phone at a moments notice.
If he didn't give me full access it would have been over for us.
Married 10 years, together for 12 years
2 children (8 years & 5 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)
Posts: 479 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 38814
| Posted: 8:11 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013|
Yes, it's part of rebuilding trust.
My WW refused this immediately after d-day because she intended -- and did -- break NC with OM.
When OM told her it was over, she finally gave me access to everything.
Together since 2001. Married since 2007. Found out about her affairs in 2013. Now separated, waiting for divorce paperwork and in a wonderful new relationship. Life is good again.
Posts: 511 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 38399
| Posted: 9:33 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013|
Absolutely. It's the only reason I gave my WH a second chance.
Me BS: 42
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Posts: 148 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
Member # 41196
| Posted: 3:43 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013|
You should have access, I think trust can only be earned trough actions, and this is one.
ME - BS - 34 (33 on dDay)
fWW - 34 (33 on dDay)
Married 9 years, together 16
3 kids: 7, 5 and 3
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW
Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
Member # 41034
| Posted: 5:01 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013|
I'd say this is one of the easiest steps to take to regain trust. My BBF has access to anything at any time but doesn't seem to care either way. However, I think it's at least showing something.
Also, no secret accounts/phones! Doing that just defeats the purpose.
So I guess it's up to you, but a remorseful WS should just give it up willingly.
Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
September 26th, 2013
"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."
Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 37091
| Posted: 10:42 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013|
Yes it was one of the biggest things between us. He had full access to everything after my confession, he always has. After his A and my subsequent DDay he changed all his passwords and has never told me the new ones.
"You must try to generate happiness within yourself. If you aren't happy in one place, chances are you won't be happy anyplace." Ernie Banks
Posts: 3175 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 35619
| Posted: 11:02 PM, November 28th (Thursday), 2013|
My question would be why shouldn't you?
It isn't just what you can read in her accounts. It's about transparency. It's about saying with her actions that she will no longer keep secrets from you because the secret she kept was one of profound betrayal. It speaks to how much she truly wants R.
For my part, when I was still married, I told anyone I knew if they wanted to share something with me they cannot ask me to keep it from my wife.
D final 8/2012
Posts: 4272 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 27176
| Posted: 2:17 AM, November 29th (Friday), 2013|
I had full access to everything before the A, and once again after the A.
When he became a defensive with his phone, his computer and started it with him to the bathroom I should have known.
I operate on this premise now...ANY topic that makes my FWH defensive, needs further investigation.
BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one
Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 33956
| Posted: 9:34 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013|
yes, it should be mandatory. my wh refused to give me access to his phone after dday1. i let it go...fooling myself into thinking it wasnt important. that should have been mhy red flag.
well, 9 months later, i looked in his phone while he was asleep and found out i was in false r the whole time.
i would not be with him if he had not given me access to everything. btdt.
if the cheater doesnt want to give you access to their phone, email, etc...they have something to hide. either they are still cheating in some form, or dont want you to see somthing...or have intentions of cheating.
it is all very simple.
any big discussion about principles, privacy, respect, or it not being necessary, or not important in any way whatsoever...any type of defensiveness about the cheater giving you access....is a bunch of BS.
it really, really is.
and there is no exception.
BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Posts: 1053 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Member # 35619
| Posted: 9:43 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013|
I wanted to add something because the title of your thread threw me a little bit until I figured it out.
Is full access mandatory
It was the word "mandatory" that just doesn't sit right with me. Mandatory is a word we use when we're following some sort of rule, regulation or law.
Full access shouldn't be "mandatory". Full access should be simply be given by both of you to each other. It should be a by-product of your mutual commitment.
D final 8/2012
Posts: 4272 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 33732
| Posted: 10:21 PM, November 29th (Friday), 2013|
Absolutely full transparency is a dealbreaker.
I have every password, every account, every email if you hide anything I am out!!!
As I tell FWSO you brought us here, you want me - you deal or you gone!!!!
ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R
Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
|Topic Posts: 19|