Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: LoveNougat (46019)

User Topic: Guilt from Revealing A
EvacuationRoute
♀ 41460
Member # 41460
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

New to posting but long time reader. I thought I had a handle on everything. WH and I are going great and everything was fine until we outed the A to the workplace. Thought we were doing the company a favour by removing OW. That was about a month ago.

Heard on the grape vine they'd be losing their house as BH had lost his job around the same time and we didn't know it. Also, one of their kids got sick, like really sick.

I wanted OW to hurt, hurt like I had been hurt but I never wanted her kids to hurt. The guilt is overwhelming. I thought feeling angry was consuming. I can't sleep now. I know that what WH and OW did was awful and I worked so hard to forgive them both. WH and I thought it was the 'right thing to do'. I didn't stop to think of the kids.

I was so indignant that my kids had been hurt, their lives changed by this. All of them, her kids and mine are just innocent, and now we've gone and hurt those little kids.

Talk of forgiving WH and OW - how do I forgive myself for being petty and lowering myself to their standards?

ER


Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2013
EasyDoesIt
♀ 29514
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that you're hurting. All actions have consequences. I don't think you need to be blaming yourself for the fallout from their affair.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3703 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
EvacuationRoute
♀ 41460
Member # 41460
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right. All actions have consequences. Just as WH had a choice and I'm angry at the choice he made, I had a choice too. I choose to hurt her and her family. The consequnce of my actions is that I hurt children and at the worst time with one so ill.

Just a warning to others. It doesn't make you feel better. It makes it worse.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2013
Hope2B
♀ 40474
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I read between the lines, you did NOT want to or choose to deliberately hurt the children.

It's NOT your fault that her actions led her to these consequences of her employment or of the BH's losing his job and potentially, the house.

Yes, you outed her and the A to the workplace, but chances are that this would have come to light anyway. The universe was working through you. Of course you feel bad about this job, house, ill child, family situation, because you have a heart and compassion, but it is not your doing.

Hopefully, the ill child will recover, and other children will remain healthy. Hopefully, they will both get jobs. If someone is willing to work, any kind of work, in order to have an income, they will find that job! If her husband lost his job, this was not your fault, and chances are (depending on where you all live), he's eligible for unemployment and COBRA insurance or a number of other agency services.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 2:20 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth/DDays: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
He had a 7 year LTA, thought she was just a girl down on her luck & he was her KISA

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
refuz2bavictim
♀ 27176
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't stop to think of the kids.

She (OW) and your WS didn't stop to think of ANY of the kids. Period. This is not yours to own.

I choose to hurt her and her family

How did you choose to hurt her family?
Would the truth be any different if you had stayed quiet? No.

Would the outcome be any different if you had not exposed? You won't ever know, as the outcome was never truly in your control. There may have been that illusion at some point, but ultimately it is not in your control and never has been.

Perhaps you feel guilt because of how you felt when you exposed? When you took the action perhaps there was little vindication and pleasure. If you want to feel guilt for allowing yourself to indulge in those feelings, that makes more sense.. But to feel responsibility for something beyond your control, is misplaced guilt. It almost sounds like you have assigned yourself entirely too much importance into how their lives are playing out.

The outcome, the current situation they are in, is theirs and now that the A is over, it is theirs alone...just as your family's situation is yours.

Affairs cause much collateral damage.

Your job is to do your best with yourself and in turn your children. Your job is to pick up the pieces of your life and rebuild the best you can. Your job is to focus on what you CAN control. That does not include the other family.

The other family needs to do their job.

I think you need to establish mental NC with this other family.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
stronger08
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:27 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one loses a house in one month. Me thinks the OW is playing the poor pitiful victim here. And as the others have said, if she was so concerned about her sickly kid she would not be out screwing another man. Think about all the time she spent with your WH. Not only physically, but all the other shit that goes with an A. This is time she should have been spending with her child. If that's even the case. When I exposed the workplace A between my XWW and OM I came down hard. I informed his BS, their employer and his church as he liked to portray himself a stand up church goer family man. The once smug asshole who liked to rub my face in the fact he was screwing my W, became a crying idiot begging me to stop messing with his life. The same man who had no problem destroying mine. He actually cried to me asking for forgiveness and to think of his disabled children. I told him where was his concern for his children while he was busy screwing my XWW ? But as I already had done what I set out to do I backed off. I too felt sorry for his kids. I did not like the fact that he had disabled kids and I got him fired. But as it turned out his children were not disabled. One of them had ADD. Once again he threw his kids under a bus in order to save himself. So don't put it past these cheaters to lie about their situations. Now concentrate your efforts on your WH. He played a big part in her so-called misery himself. I bet ya he's not concerned because your concentrating on her instead of him.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5902 | Registered: Nov 2007
EasyDoesIt
♀ 29514
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Stronger08 said. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3703 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I outed OW 1 to her employer. Still feels good. The others are right, actions have consequences. Had she not had an affair with my husband all would be great at her job.
I would hope the OW in your case only rightfully blames herself.
You play, you pay...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5745 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
hitbyatruck
♀ 23769
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ER,
I understand what you are feeling. Yes, it was THEIR fault for having the A but because of your & your H's actions there is more fallout.

What's done is done. You feel like YOU caused all this hurt to the children but who knows how this might turn out in the long term. Let's hope somehow, even if it takes a while, this is for the best.

You have written a lot about forgiveness lately. Forgive yourself. Nothing about infidelity is fair. I know I have regrets about what I did or didn't do after dday but I was surviving, which is what you are doing.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
EvacuationRoute
♀ 41460
Member # 41460
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBAT,

Thank you for being someone who seems to understand. To provide some context, hopefully without offending, this whole crazy, awful situation has made me turn to God. I've found a faith I never knew I had because of this.

The Bible talks of forgiveness, not revenge. The idea of peace in me sounds so beautiful, it's a beautiful feeling when it comes, but it's hard to hold on to. Every time I want to be cross or angry I just try to remember the yardstick that has already been used to guide my actions. It's hard.

There is so much hate, anger and revenge on this site. I can't see how that helps heal, but that is just my opinion. I know everyone goes through their own thing.

I know a lot about OW and why she did this. I know about her childhood. She still choose to do this most awful, deceptive and hurtful thing, but I can't help but feel a little sorry for her. Just as I feel sorry for my FWH as I know his story and why he choose so poorly. Maybe I'm just a 'fixer'. I know it's not my place to 'fix' OW and really, I don't want to as just thinking of her hurts too much.

Even if they didn't have empathy for me, the Bible says I should take a higher road. That is the benchmark against which I need to measure myself. Not the anger of this site.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Sorry if I upset anyone.

ER


Posts: 17 | Registered: Nov 2013
mychild
♀ 40186
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ER: I so totally get you - totally.

If I had outed the affair partner - even if I hated her to the end of the world - if I had found out that her husband lost his job and her child was super ill - I would be super ill also.

Today, at Target - I saw a girl in a cart about the same height and weight as my child. And she had no hair - none. She looked so sad and her parents, speaking another language, were talking etc - life goes on. But it killed me - it so killed me and I thanked God for what precious time I have with my child and prayed that the bald little pre-schooler would turn out all right.

You feel guilty because you are a sensitive person. I am too. That is why I feel things so deeply. I've had a few therapists, and they have all mentioned how sensitive I am - in a good way as a human, but difficult for healing and being hurt. And so you obviously are very very in touch with all of your emotions at once. Sadness, pain, anger, rage, guilt, love, remorse, fear, happiness, thankfulness..... And you are so grateful. But another family is in deep pain and you feel somewhat responsible. I understand.

Let's just hope they have a good family system that can help out. And let this be a lesson to your WS and any/all WS - their actions have such devastating consequences - especially for the children.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, November 30th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I are going great and everything was fine until we outed the A to the workplace. Thought we were doing the company a favour by removing OW.

Did your H lose his job? If not, why not? Could this be the source of your guilt, since he was also responsible for the A?

Scenario 1: If I had chosen to out my xWW and her AP to their work, and they both had been fired, it would not have bothered me for one second. I would also not have been concerned about the fallout to his family.

Scenario 2: If, however, my XWW's AP was the only one to have been fired (and in my situation that would have been plausible, since my xWW's AP was her boss), I would have been more bothered, particularly if I was still married to my wife and the outing was something she and I did together. I would have also been bothered and can imagine looking deeper into his family situation to further my pain with guilt. I can definitely imagine feeling guilty in this scenario, although I believe it would be undeserved guilt.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
purplejacket4
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a preacher's kid, 3rd generation graduate of prestigious Christian university and someone with a bible minor I have to tell you there are PLENTY of passages about vengeance and consequences.

What was the end result of David seducing Bathsheeba? He impregnated her and to hide his adultery he had her BS killed in a military action. And when confronted by the prophet Nathan he found out there would be a price to pay. David lost his son, the OC, from that adulterous relationship because that was the vengeance God required of him.

"Vengeance is mine. I will repay." So says The Lord.

YOU did not to this. This was the unattended consequences of their actions not yours.

Hugs to you!


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2354 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ 39114
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi EvacuationRoute
So sorry for your pain around this latest development!!!!
I would like to ask: what was your motivation in outing OW at work. Had you already told OBS?

Your story is unfortunate but I an personally very, veryTHANKFUL that you've shared this, although of course I am sorry for your pain.

I have not told OBS and remain very much on the fence. I've gotten a lot of support for my struggle here but "tell him" has been overwhelming message.

I know there could be many unforeseen, even unimaginable consequences, in telling that could very well add another layer of pain to me . And there are four children, two Tweens and especially vulnerable. ITS IN NO WAY AN EAST CLEAR CUT BLACK AND WHITE DECISION, and your situation reminds me that consequences could hurt me too, even if only through guilt, and I have ENOUGH emotion to deal with.

I'm sorry you are in a painful place and your sharing has helped me too. Hope you'll respond re motivations

((((EvacuationRoute))))


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Left home, job, whole life behind and difficult** adjusting. Dog injured and too much to handle. Supremely bummed out.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
cantgetup
♀ 36146
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This isn't a comment directly toward you evacuationroute as I feel your pain. I know I would feel guilty too. But generally I'm with a few of you on this...I just don't understanding outing this in the work place. It's a place of business where there is just not need for A details. Yes, i know workplace A are very common so people don't respect the workplace, but my thought would be that even if that happenend, then parties involved need to do all they can to return respect and dignity to the workplace and certainly not air their dirty laundry there. I don't get what it achieves but my situation didn't involve a work A so I just don't know. I have heard here they tell the employer so the A partners don't have to work together. It seems immature to have to involve the employer in that. If it's bad, then a new job is in order, not using the employer to keep A partners separated. If there is harassment, then yes, an employer may need to be involved. IMO, any other reason seems off base.
Again evacuationroute I don't know your reason, but also consider that your information about the fallout may be exaggerated. Don't beat yourself up. I think if you feel guilty, you should examine your motivation for WHY you did it, not THAT you did it. I suspect that's where your feelings of guilt are coming from. I also hope if there was in fact this fallout that your H received some fallout of his own. The wayward should always be the concen, not the AP and not the employer.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the reasons- most affairs are conducted during work time. Thought the OWs employer would want to know that someone has been stealing from them. He was very grateful that I told him....
Also, her place of business is built on integrity. I made it very clear that their business had a person working there that was lacking in this department.

[This message edited by rachelc at 9:46 AM, December 1st (Sunday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5745 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It might be slightly off topice, but I want to address something you said in one of your replies.

There is so much hate, anger and revenge on this site. I can't see how that helps heal, but that is just my opinion. I know everyone goes through their own thing.

The Bible does promote forgiveness, but we are human. Humans feel hate, anger, and are tempted by revenge. This site is a safe place to purge those feelings with others who understand. Surpressed feelings fester and grow. Mine turned inward and I ended up in the hospital.

Healing is a process, and we are all at different stages. For those of us dealing with anger, it's much better to vent it here than in real life. Hopefully we will all end up at acceptance.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 2084 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
whattheh
♀ 40032
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does you and FWH revealing the truth about the A with your fWH's employer make you petty and lower yourself to their standards? Are you sure this is accurate way to look at this and internalise it?


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 606 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look at conducting an affair as a form of bullying. There is an imbalance of power. There is at least one victim. And if everyone who knows continues to be a "bystander" then the bullying continues.

There are consequences for actions. Choosing to conduct an affair at work comes with risk.

I cannot believe that choosing to keep the dark secrets is healthy for anyone. There are plenty of tragic examples in history where keeping secrets or choosing not to speak out had monumental consequences.

Perhaps outing this affair keeps future affairs from ever happening. If so, then potential victims have been spared. These potential victims might have children too. Even sick ones.

I am sorry you feel guilty, but compassion and guilt are very different. IMO, guilt is not warranted here.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5935 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ 39114
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, December 1st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi again. You asked ... how do I forgive myself for being petty and lowering myself to their standards?". Just like you forgave others. You yourself deserve as much, or more, of the compassion that allowed you to forgive the others. Maybe you made a mistake, maybe you acted out of deep pain. My goodness, I KNOW I got soooooo close to acting out of painful emotions, had I not have been told by no less than 4 people I highly respect that I shouldn't . THEY put the brakes on me. Maybe you didn't have that perspective before you acted, so who can blame you in the agony of post betrayal.

You've been through a horribly painful experience. I hope now you can start directing the mercy you so generously offered others to yourself!!!! YOU deserve it too!!!

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 12:58 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Left home, job, whole life behind and difficult** adjusting. Dog injured and too much to handle. Supremely bummed out.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.