SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

I think this is probably a good thing but very hard for me to realise he is right. Kind of made me feel I wasn't enough for him at first but after he explained I realised it wasn't about me it was ALL about him.

He is doing a letter for me explaining his thoughts and feelings during the affair. It's taking forever as he keeps discovering new things as he is writing it. Things that don't seem right or add up he is looking deeper into.

We talked today and he said he realises he developed a huge attitude problem when other women made it clear they liked him. He has really low self esteem and would get a big head and start acting 'the big man' who could do what he liked when he liked partly to impress the woman and partly cos he felt validated.

Ego just took over completely! Of course he then wanted more attention and to see just how much they liked him, so he would drop his boundaries to find out, a bit of flirting here and there, a crossed line - but never taking it too far, until the on line flirting with an ex and eventually the A.

I am using the past tense because he is so ashamed of himself I have seen plenty of evidence he no longer feels that way and has seen where his 'testing the water' got him in the end.

It kind of helped me see how his personality changed during the A and how he used to act differently when he was around flirty women.

It all comes from a sad man, wanting to feel wanted and risking everything he had for that bit of attention and ego boost.

Very sad seeing as he had me at home all that time. He was so needy though, probably through his childhood neglect, that he lost his head whenever he got that validation from other women. I guess he felt it meant more coming from outside.

It's hard to realise he is so broken he would risk everything just for that validation, that his personality could change so completely from the slightest interest from outside.

I have to say he has even done it in a non sexual way with other men! If he makes a friend he starts liking the things the friend likes. Even getting involved in hobbies he hated just to keep the friend. That really helps me as it shows it's not about me not being enough at all. Not if he will change his personality just to keep a new friend!

He seems to have changed so much. He says now he realises where his behaviour got him and he never wants to go there again. He now values what he has and realises other women are not the answer. They don't even appeal to him now. He knows he needs to fix that neediness in himself. HE found out he was wanted, took it too far and it blew up in his face. He then realised it was not the answer he was looking for after all. Shame it took an affair for him to realise that!

Definitely time to start that counselling but I am proud he is really starting to look at his attitudes and behaviours even though it's not easy to face.

It's hard to realise he is so broken he would risk everything just for that validation, that his personality could change so completely from the slightest interest from outside.

My wife gave away everything, risked so much....for an affair with a married, dumpy, middle-aged father of 5. When I showed up on his porch late at night....he folded like a cheap card table and dumped her. Unfortunately....HE dumped HER. He has since found another woman to have another A with. Lots of fish in that sea......

This is the type of man she choose to commit adultery with. Kind of reminds me of the used car salesmen that has a fling with Arnolds wife in the movie True Lies....but I digress.

You mention the word sad a couple of times through your post. This is good. It shows you are progressing. You are tapping into empathy and compassion....to restorative emotions. If our spouses had empathy or compassion for us or our families....adultery would have not been an option for them. These emotions will serve you and your marriage well. Maybe they had both of these healthy emotions, but had strong FOO issues that blocked them from being engaged? still working on that train of thought.

One of the main underlying currents of those affected by adultery is.....sadness. It is felt strongly by both the fWS and BS. It is a primary underlying emotion....so being able to feel and see it is a good thing. It is a primary step to healing.

You also mention it being hard to see your husband for what he truly is, what he is capable of doing, where his logic was so flawed. This is where A is a deal breaker for some. I have seen you wrestle with this specific issue....I did too. I came to the realization that my wifes adultery was NOT a deal breaker now, but it will be if any similar choice is made in her future. Can I assume from this post that you have decided the A was NOT a deal breaker for you either?

Though this post was filled with sadness, shock and pain...it is a well written, well expressed one too. Thank you.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:29 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

Hi blake,

Yes I have decided the A was not a deal breaker - this time!

Because he did have that facebook flirtation which was so blatant I class that as his first strike. I forgave that quickly. Now he has had a full A he knows I will never accept another betrayal no matter how big or small. I have made that perfectly clear.

I am seeing so many changes in him and the thoughts he is expressing are really well thought out and are making so much sense. I have never known him think so hard and discover things for himself. This is a huge step for him.

He says he never appreciated what he had in me and was never a full participant in the marriage. He expected me to fill the need in him but cos he wouldn't let me in how could I? he just expected me loving him to feel this gap in him but never thought to let me know he felt this way.

So much stuff coming from him now I can't help but be very hopeful.

Also this

Maybe they had both of these healthy emotions, but had strong FOO issues that blocked them from being engaged? still working on that train of thought

H made another good point this lunchtime. I came from an abusive home, him from an emotionally barren one. I had to fight and work hard to keep things bearable at home. I looked after my parents and younger sister to keep the abuse to a minimum. On the other hand H came from a house where he was materialistically spoiled, never had to lift a finger BUT never got hugs, sympathy, compassion, empathy NOTHING emotional from his parents. If he asks even now if his mum loves him she scowls and barks you know I do and walks away.

So I learned to fight and care for people to keep the peace, he learned there was no point in trying to get love, attention and support from his loved ones and sought it elsewhere. He found that in me but after we had our son he had to share me and after a while started looking for this huge amount of attention he craved elsewhere. It's not right, it's not healthy but I kind of understand it.

He is now working so hard on the marriage that we are communicating better and spending more time together so he is getting that need for attention filled. Long term though he needs to be able to address this himself so counselling is going to be arranged asap.

He also wants to start a hobby, photography at night school. I could not be happier about that! he has always sort of floated around aimlessly. If he wants to learn a new skill I am all for that. He is really working hard on himself and thinking so much I am still in shock tbh.

Who is this new husband I seem to have

hmmm - actually rethought that last bit, nowhere near ready enough to trust him away from me for hours at night school. He has a lot more work to do until I would be comfortable with him meeting new women away from me.

I will let a little time pass before that one I think. He agreed said there was no hurry. No reason he can't get a camera and see what he can come up with mucking around with it first.

Oh Olwen- I am so happy to read this! I am happy for you and your H. I know these are hard realizations but so important.

I am impressed by both of you. Truly.

I believe your H sounds very similar to mine. almost identical. I think these are te realizations I am asking my H to make about himself. Right now he has opened up but the only emotion he refers to is anger. That is not a true emotion. And I need him to see what true emotions are laying beneath the anger.

He is not there yet. But he is working on it. And I believe he will get there.

I was in a bad place this whole past week- especially today. Your post made me smile, warmed my heart and have me hope.

I thank you so much for that. I know these were hard conversations but it is such a wonderful place to be afterwards.

I am happy for you.

(((wondertwin)) you are an 'Amazing' woman, love your new name - it suits you.

I hope you don't mind but I read your post to H. We were both sat here with tears in our eyes.

Sending you strength for your difficult week, you will get through this you're 'amazingly' strong.