I think this is probably a good thing but very hard for me to realise he is right. Kind of made me feel I wasn't enough for him at first but after he explained I realised it wasn't about me it was ALL about him.
He is doing a letter for me explaining his thoughts and feelings during the affair. It's taking forever as he keeps discovering new things as he is writing it. Things that don't seem right or add up he is looking deeper into.
We talked today and he said he realises he developed a huge attitude problem when other women made it clear they liked him. He has really low self esteem and would get a big head and start acting 'the big man' who could do what he liked when he liked partly to impress the woman and partly cos he felt validated.
Ego just took over completely! Of course he then wanted more attention and to see just how much they liked him, so he would drop his boundaries to find out, a bit of flirting here and there, a crossed line - but never taking it too far, until the on line flirting with an ex and eventually the A.
I am using the past tense because he is so ashamed of himself I have seen plenty of evidence he no longer feels that way and has seen where his 'testing the water' got him in the end.
It kind of helped me see how his personality changed during the A and how he used to act differently when he was around flirty women.
It all comes from a sad man, wanting to feel wanted and risking everything he had for that bit of attention and ego boost.
Very sad seeing as he had me at home all that time. He was so needy though, probably through his childhood neglect, that he lost his head whenever he got that validation from other women. I guess he felt it meant more coming from outside.
It's hard to realise he is so broken he would risk everything just for that validation, that his personality could change so completely from the slightest interest from outside.
I have to say he has even done it in a non sexual way with other men! If he makes a friend he starts liking the things the friend likes. Even getting involved in hobbies he hated just to keep the friend. That really helps me as it shows it's not about me not being enough at all. Not if he will change his personality just to keep a new friend!
He seems to have changed so much. He says now he realises where his behaviour got him and he never wants to go there again. He now values what he has and realises other women are not the answer. They don't even appeal to him now. He knows he needs to fix that neediness in himself. HE found out he was wanted, took it too far and it blew up in his face. He then realised it was not the answer he was looking for after all. Shame it took an affair for him to realise that!
Definitely time to start that counselling but I am proud he is really starting to look at his attitudes and behaviours even though it's not easy to face.