So when I get home I grabbed the mail and there it was - he served me. Amongst the standard "neither party shall..." he has included harass the other party... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I have been NC for weeks. What in the hell is he telling people??
Petitioning the court to decide primary residency of the children and if he ends up paying child support it will be based on his net income.
No spousal support. The "parties" shall maintain the current medical insurance for minor children w/equal split of all non covered services. Ummmm... he has health insurance through his job for himself and our children recently graduated from MEDICAID to the state sponsored Healthy Steps program (due to an increase in MY earnings)
Lists that there are no assets other than personal property (to be divided equally) and also divide up debts equally. Hmmmm... funny no mention of the large pot of $ from the sale of our grass cattle in October that he refused to disclose the amount to me (kept coming up w/excuses as to why he didn't yet have the "exact" amount of profit - and this was when he was still trying to [false]R
The year of our wedding date is wrong in the papers. He cites "irreconsiable differences" (sp?) and that the two parties failed to "get along" the last several months ...
I, the defendant, shall pay all of his attorney/legal fees. Is he for real?? He makes 2-3x what I make and has not paid me a dime in CS or otherwise for the entire month of November. I have paid every single household bill, all groceries, kids' fees, school lunch accounts, etc., etc., etc...
I was nearly hysterical when I first read the papers, called my dad who was completely livid and got me to calm down. Said he will help w/attorney and fees - will also do some checking into a couple of different lawyers. Called a close friend who reminded me that I should not be surprised by this at all. He has been out of control since I wouldn't play his game and return to status quo after Dday#4 and I have been strict NC - so of course he is going to do this now so he can feel like he's in control again.
I can fight this. I have the support and I have some valuable information/evidence but quite honestly he terrifies me. A big part of me just wants to "cut my losses" and be done. Just get away from him. Then another friend told me that is exactly what he is expecting me to do. It's what I've done for 18+ years w/him. Just roll over and let him get away w/whatever he wants. He's a snake and a cake eater.
I just don't know if I have the strength.
I am sorry you are going through this but I am so happy to hear you have such a wonderful support system in your corner.
He sounds like a bully who is hoping that you just give in to his demands. It is time to put on your bitch boots and stand up for yourself.
Please do not let the lawyers and those exaggerated papers scare you. That is all smoke and mirrors. You need to stay focused and strong. I know it is hard.
If you are not comfortable with the lawyer get a new one now. Before you are deep in a case. You have to be able to work with your lawyer. Not like them ! But they have to have your best interest and they should be aggressive in the court.
I am sorry you are here but you are here. Keep up the no contact and fight for what YOU deserve! You only get one chance at this. Just my opinion. All the best.
Like I just want to stand up and scream NO FUCKING MORE. I did NOT and I do NOT deserve any of this. I have spent the better part of my life catering to this snake. Now he's even willing to throw his kids under the bus to torture me some more. How can he be so cruel and heartless? How can he believe his own lies?? It's just so frustrating.
So far I've given him crickets. My dad told me DO NOT RESPOND TO THOSE PAPERS, to not even let him know I got them - I have 21 days to respond/acknowledge I received them and that is what my attorney is for. NC NC NC. We will communicate through attorneys. And he can deal w/the state cause I've been advised to go apply for food stamps, housing, and any and all assistance I qualify for (which at this point will be a lot) and the state will go after him long before we get a court date/CS order since he clearly has no intentions of supporting his kids until then.
I'm terrified of starting this fight w/him. I have been told repeatedly by numerous friends/family members that he's a serious fool if he wants to drag my ass into court to fight as the skeletons in his closet are unbelievable but after so many years of his abuse I am ashamed to admit I just want to slink away. He is such a lying, manipulative, charmer and he is really really good at pushing my buttons and making me look like a crazy bitch. Hence the reason NC NC NC. And so far its worked for me. I'm dealing w/my emotional pain in private (and w/trusted family/friends/SI) and have stayed very calm, cool, collected. But he's just such a liar and I know he's been saying shit to people about me. He has made have so much self-doubt. I have to keep reminding myself that the things he says(and probably has come to believe) are SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH it truly is ridiculous.
Please send me strength because I AM GOING TO DO THIS. I'm tired of being his whipping dog.
Like the attorneys fees. He has to know that no judge is gonna make you pay his attorney, but he had to throw it in there.
Just saying, that thing don't mean much..
And if you haven't been harassing him, then he has no evidence of you harassing him..
I fought a lot of FuckTards claims with saying "Prove it." And guess what, he couldn't. Just cause he said it don't mean shit.
Hugs girl. You can do this. I never knew how strong I was until I had to be. You'll get the strength too. I promise..
[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 8:09 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]
The only cure is NO CONTACT. The longer you are away from him, the more you will trust yourself. I swear, it's like the sun shines brighter now. Life opens up, and the freedom from the emotional hell starts to feel FABULOUS.
You are in a shitty place right now. Heck, you've been in a shitty place for a long time. Just keep moving away. Walk through a bed of nails if you have to. Get away from this guy. You will start to feel better, trust yourself, trust your gut, and stop caring what the piece of shit thinks or does.
He has fucked with your emotional health. Honestly, he doesn't want you to get better. He wants you sad and scared and lonely and feeling crazy.
But, you also don't want to let the fire out on him. I think there's something called arson, lol. But repeat after me. HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO KNOW MY FEELINGS ANYMORE. HE DOESN'T GET TO KNOW ME ANYMORE.
He controls you by knowing how you are feeling. DON'T tell him how you are feeling anymore. That's how you take his power away.
You can do this, KJac. We've all been there. We know the game. You won't be fighting this alone - we're right beside you. Lean on us as much as you need.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
The reality is they don't mean Jack squat. After I filed, the Dooosh "counter-sued" me for divorce. Ha! And in his counter suit he asked for all that and more.
In the end he got the short end of the stick. Please do as we say-- don't freak out about the language of those papers. Stay calm and definitely No Contact with him!!!
If your lawyer is making you feel lost, find another! Find the one who will fight for you! You got this. :)
Interview more attorneys, see what they say, listen for common themes. Pick one that you feel will fight for you. Don't believe the one that tells you they can get the moon.
By all means, remain calm. Do not let him see you react. It will start to shift all the power to you.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
Thanks to all for clarification on the legal crap - my dad told me the same thing but its just so mind-numbingly stupid that he would include such things (even though I know its par the course) - but after years of being "mindfucked" [yes, ButterflyGirl you are spot on w/that one :/] I tend to get a bit panicky...
I am, and have been, very much in control of my emotions/behavior - "feel the emotions, control the behavior" and have been absolute NC (except for VERY limited concerning ONLY kids/finances and ONLY when absolutely necessary) for over 3 weeks - the last foray into having an actual conversation about the current state of things went downhill so quickly (blaming, cruelty, etc.) that I put my hand up, said stop, no more this is done, no point in discussing it any further - I fully realized what an effort in futility it was
@ ButterflyGirl - I am starting to ever so slightly come out my "mindfuck smog" by staying completely NC - and I completely understand now why I need to stay away from him
@WeepingBuddhist - this: "You've lived through being with him. You can do just about anything." - can I steal this??? I SO needed to hear it and I've been saying over to myself ever since I read it - Thank you
Feel the emotion/control the behavior--not even asking, just gonna take this one.
I'm terrified of starting this fight w/him.
You didn't start this fight. He did. And as fucked up and unfair as it is, this is where you are. Right in the middle of a fight that he started and you never wanted.
I know it sounds easier to let him roll over you, the way he's been doing for years. But he doesn't deserve that much power, not anymore. Get situated with a good attorney, and let them and the CS department fight out the legal stuff. The day to day stuff on how he treats you, wants to yank your chain etc.... that's your fight but you ARE strong enough to win it. Stick to your guns and keep the NC walls up so high he can't even get a peek over the top. You can do it!!
We all believe in you!!
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords
Find a lawyer on that list in your area. I just have a feeling your STBX is going to play real dirty.
You most definitely can do this. You have support IRL and here.
So far I've given him crickets. My dad told me DO NOT RESPOND TO THOSE PAPERS, to not even let him know I got them - I have 21 days to respond/acknowledge I received them and that is what my attorney is for. NC NC NC. We will communicate through attorneys.
A big part of me just wants to "cut my losses" and be done. Just get away from him. Then another friend told me that is exactly what he is expecting me to do. It's what I've done for 18+ years w/him. Just roll over and let him get away w/whatever he wants.
You can do this, KJac. We've all been there. We know the game. You won't be fighting this alone - we're right beside you. Lean on us as much as you need
You didn't start this fight. He did. And as fucked up and unfair as it is, this is where you are. Right in the middle of a fight that he started and you never wanted