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Newest Member: Herself (45715)

User Topic: I don't know if I can do this
KJac
♀ 21332
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Met w/attorney today. He wasn't real encouraging. After discussing the hidden $ etc., I said I'm probably screwed and he says "unfortunately in these situation that's what usually happens". I felt just deflated/defeated when I left and cried all the way home.

So when I get home I grabbed the mail and there it was - he served me. Amongst the standard "neither party shall..." he has included harass the other party... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I have been NC for weeks. What in the hell is he telling people??

Petitioning the court to decide primary residency of the children and if he ends up paying child support it will be based on his net income.

No spousal support. The "parties" shall maintain the current medical insurance for minor children w/equal split of all non covered services. Ummmm... he has health insurance through his job for himself and our children recently graduated from MEDICAID to the state sponsored Healthy Steps program (due to an increase in MY earnings)

Lists that there are no assets other than personal property (to be divided equally) and also divide up debts equally. Hmmmm... funny no mention of the large pot of $ from the sale of our grass cattle in October that he refused to disclose the amount to me (kept coming up w/excuses as to why he didn't yet have the "exact" amount of profit - and this was when he was still trying to [false]R

The year of our wedding date is wrong in the papers. He cites "irreconsiable differences" (sp?) and that the two parties failed to "get along" the last several months ...

I, the defendant, shall pay all of his attorney/legal fees. Is he for real?? He makes 2-3x what I make and has not paid me a dime in CS or otherwise for the entire month of November. I have paid every single household bill, all groceries, kids' fees, school lunch accounts, etc., etc., etc...

I was nearly hysterical when I first read the papers, called my dad who was completely livid and got me to calm down. Said he will help w/attorney and fees - will also do some checking into a couple of different lawyers. Called a close friend who reminded me that I should not be surprised by this at all. He has been out of control since I wouldn't play his game and return to status quo after Dday#4 and I have been strict NC - so of course he is going to do this now so he can feel like he's in control again.

I can fight this. I have the support and I have some valuable information/evidence but quite honestly he terrifies me. A big part of me just wants to "cut my losses" and be done. Just get away from him. Then another friend told me that is exactly what he is expecting me to do. It's what I've done for 18+ years w/him. Just roll over and let him get away w/whatever he wants. He's a snake and a cake eater.

I just don't know if I have the strength.


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2008
ninebark
♀ 24534
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with your family, go interview some new lawyers and fight for your rights. ((hugs)))

I am sorry you are going through this but I am so happy to hear you have such a wonderful support system in your corner.

He sounds like a bully who is hoping that you just give in to his demands. It is time to put on your bitch boots and stand up for yourself.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
Thefly559
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry. But you do have the strength and you will. We have all been there. Your friend gave you good advice. You have to do the opposite of what he expects and you have done for years. That guy you married is gone. He is the enemy now.

Please do not let the lawyers and those exaggerated papers scare you. That is all smoke and mirrors. You need to stay focused and strong. I know it is hard.

If you are not comfortable with the lawyer get a new one now. Before you are deep in a case. You have to be able to work with your lawyer. Not like them ! But they have to have your best interest and they should be aggressive in the court.

I am sorry you are here but you are here. Keep up the no contact and fight for what YOU deserve! You only get one chance at this. Just my opinion. All the best.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 706 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
WeepingBuddhist
♀ 39139
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((KJac)) Don't let the bastard get you down. Since he has filed, just let your attorney deal with him. Don't engage and don't let him hurt you any more than he already has done. You can deal with this because THIS is easier than eating that shit sandwich he's been serving.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 661 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
KJac
♀ 21332
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I'm still being served that shit sandwich. That it will never end. I'm so tired of it. I'm torn between just wanting to get away from him and wanting to let loose this fucking fire and anger for all the crap he has put me through for so damn many years.

Like I just want to stand up and scream NO FUCKING MORE. I did NOT and I do NOT deserve any of this. I have spent the better part of my life catering to this snake. Now he's even willing to throw his kids under the bus to torture me some more. How can he be so cruel and heartless? How can he believe his own lies?? It's just so frustrating.

So far I've given him crickets. My dad told me DO NOT RESPOND TO THOSE PAPERS, to not even let him know I got them - I have 21 days to respond/acknowledge I received them and that is what my attorney is for. NC NC NC. We will communicate through attorneys. And he can deal w/the state cause I've been advised to go apply for food stamps, housing, and any and all assistance I qualify for (which at this point will be a lot) and the state will go after him long before we get a court date/CS order since he clearly has no intentions of supporting his kids until then.

I'm terrified of starting this fight w/him. I have been told repeatedly by numerous friends/family members that he's a serious fool if he wants to drag my ass into court to fight as the skeletons in his closet are unbelievable but after so many years of his abuse I am ashamed to admit I just want to slink away. He is such a lying, manipulative, charmer and he is really really good at pushing my buttons and making me look like a crazy bitch. Hence the reason NC NC NC. And so far its worked for me. I'm dealing w/my emotional pain in private (and w/trusted family/friends/SI) and have stayed very calm, cool, collected. But he's just such a liar and I know he's been saying shit to people about me. He has made have so much self-doubt. I have to keep reminding myself that the things he says(and probably has come to believe) are SO FAR FROM THE TRUTH it truly is ridiculous.

Please send me strength because I AM GOING TO DO THIS. I'm tired of being his whipping dog.


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2008
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I filed and put some ridiculous stuff in the petition I knew I wouldn't get. Thing is, you gotta ask for everything you want up front, then negotiate down. You can't get more than you asked for initially, so he had to put everything, not knowing which things would be negotiated.

Like the attorneys fees. He has to know that no judge is gonna make you pay his attorney, but he had to throw it in there.

Just saying, that thing don't mean much..

And if you haven't been harassing him, then he has no evidence of you harassing him..

I fought a lot of FuckTards claims with saying "Prove it." And guess what, he couldn't. Just cause he said it don't mean shit.

Hugs girl. You can do this. I never knew how strong I was until I had to be. You'll get the strength too. I promise..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 8:09 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2639 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I just wanted to add, I know how you feel of just wanting to slink away. And how he makes you feel crazy. I'm not a doctor, but I would like to give you the clinical diagnosis of "in a mindfuck."

The only cure is NO CONTACT. The longer you are away from him, the more you will trust yourself. I swear, it's like the sun shines brighter now. Life opens up, and the freedom from the emotional hell starts to feel FABULOUS.

You are in a shitty place right now. Heck, you've been in a shitty place for a long time. Just keep moving away. Walk through a bed of nails if you have to. Get away from this guy. You will start to feel better, trust yourself, trust your gut, and stop caring what the piece of shit thinks or does.

He has fucked with your emotional health. Honestly, he doesn't want you to get better. He wants you sad and scared and lonely and feeling crazy.

But, you also don't want to let the fire out on him. I think there's something called arson, lol. But repeat after me. HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO KNOW MY FEELINGS ANYMORE. HE DOESN'T GET TO KNOW ME ANYMORE.

He controls you by knowing how you are feeling. DON'T tell him how you are feeling anymore. That's how you take his power away.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2639 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
WeepingBuddhist
♀ 39139
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants you afraid. He wants you tired. But you have been there before and you know you can be scared, beat down, and sad as fuck and still not want him in your life. Fair? deserve? those don't get a vote anymore, unfortunately but you need to live your life as though they do. FTB. You've lived through being with him. You can do just about anything.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 661 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie - The petition he filed is absolutely par for the course. The petitioner asks for everything under the sun. As hard as it is, do NOT take this as anything more than Divorce Tactics 101. He can ask for the sun the moon and the stars. Hell - he can even ask to be named Grand Poobah of all he surveys. That doesn't mean he gets any of it. It's a standard negotiation tactic. The standard response from your L? Should be to ask for EVERYTHING to go YOUR way. Custody and visitation - all your way. You should ask for all medical insurance to be funded by HIM, all lawyers fees paid by HIM, yada yada yada. That's where you start.

You can do this, KJac. We've all been there. We know the game. You won't be fighting this alone - we're right beside you. Lean on us as much as you need.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 26151 | Registered: Aug 2011
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes yes-- it is all standard legal language in those papers.

The reality is they don't mean Jack squat. After I filed, the Dooosh "counter-sued" me for divorce. Ha! And in his counter suit he asked for all that and more.

In the end he got the short end of the stick. Please do as we say-- don't freak out about the language of those papers. Stay calm and definitely No Contact with him!!!

If your lawyer is making you feel lost, find another! Find the one who will fight for you! You got this. :)


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3629 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
hexed
♀ 19258
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah...you got this...deep breath. You've got your family support. You will be OK.

Interview more attorneys, see what they say, listen for common themes. Pick one that you feel will fight for you. Don't believe the one that tells you they can get the moon.

By all means, remain calm. Do not let him see you react. It will start to shift all the power to you.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8489 | Registered: Apr 2008
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's pretty much a word document template, and they plug in the names and details, etc. Mine said something similar, and I didn't get all that it asked for.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3477 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
KJac
♀ 21332
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*whew* deep breaths here - thank you all so much for your responses. Your encouragement and support are so needed and SO VERY appreciated. Hopefully someday I can "pay it forward".

Thanks to all for clarification on the legal crap - my dad told me the same thing but its just so mind-numbingly stupid that he would include such things (even though I know its par the course) - but after years of being "mindfucked" [yes, ButterflyGirl you are spot on w/that one :/] I tend to get a bit panicky...

I am, and have been, very much in control of my emotions/behavior - "feel the emotions, control the behavior" and have been absolute NC (except for VERY limited concerning ONLY kids/finances and ONLY when absolutely necessary) for over 3 weeks - the last foray into having an actual conversation about the current state of things went downhill so quickly (blaming, cruelty, etc.) that I put my hand up, said stop, no more this is done, no point in discussing it any further - I fully realized what an effort in futility it was

@ ButterflyGirl - I am starting to ever so slightly come out my "mindfuck smog" by staying completely NC - and I completely understand now why I need to stay away from him

@WeepingBuddhist - this: "You've lived through being with him. You can do just about anything." - can I steal this??? I SO needed to hear it and I've been saying over to myself ever since I read it - Thank you


Me-BS38
Him-WS/STBX39
M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 286 | Registered: Oct 2008
WeepingBuddhist
♀ 39139
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

of course! Take it, use it and find the next thing you didn't know you could do.

Feel the emotion/control the behavior--not even asking, just gonna take this one.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 661 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
gypsybird87
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm terrified of starting this fight w/him.


((Kjac))

You didn't start this fight. He did. And as fucked up and unfair as it is, this is where you are. Right in the middle of a fight that he started and you never wanted.

I know it sounds easier to let him roll over you, the way he's been doing for years. But he doesn't deserve that much power, not anymore. Get situated with a good attorney, and let them and the CS department fight out the legal stuff. The day to day stuff on how he treats you, wants to yank your chain etc.... that's your fight but you ARE strong enough to win it. Stick to your guns and keep the NC walls up so high he can't even get a peek over the top. You can do it!!

We all believe in you!!


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 1003 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go on the web & search out the group "Superlawyers". They are the best of the best and only get that designation because their peers voted them as such.

Find a lawyer on that list in your area. I just have a feeling your STBX is going to play real dirty.

You most definitely can do this. You have support IRL and here.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far I've given him crickets. My dad told me DO NOT RESPOND TO THOSE PAPERS, to not even let him know I got them - I have 21 days to respond/acknowledge I received them and that is what my attorney is for. NC NC NC. We will communicate through attorneys.

You already know what you have to do.
A big part of me just wants to "cut my losses" and be done. Just get away from him. Then another friend told me that is exactly what he is expecting me to do. It's what I've done for 18+ years w/him. Just roll over and let him get away w/whatever he wants.

Honey, if you never fight for anything else in your life, THIS battle you want to stay in the game. Get your anger on and hit him hard and fast. Go for the jugular, no warning shots! This is your future and he isn't your friend right now.
You can do this, KJac. We've all been there. We know the game. You won't be fighting this alone - we're right beside you. Lean on us as much as you need

You got this, and you got us. He doesn't have didly squat but brokenness!
You didn't start this fight. He did. And as fucked up and unfair as it is, this is where you are. Right in the middle of a fight that he started and you never wanted

You didn't start this, but you WILL finish it and you will leave him so asswhooped he'll be crying to his next 10 future OW about mean Mami!
Deep breaths, exercise, eat right, and sleep.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2499 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Topic Posts: 17

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