"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Jules1111 posted 11/27/2013 07:03 AM

I apologize in advance for my jumbled rant. I am not sleeping much. Here is my story. I have been married for 14 years, with hism for 17. We have two beautiful boys 13 and 10. I never thought I'd be here. We've been friends with another couple for over 6 years and their son and my oldest are best friends. Their marriage was a struggle, but I thought mine was ok. I noticed she started clinging to my husband in April of 2012. I asked him if we could stop spending so much time with them, he refused. She and I had a falling out in August of 2012. He continued to talk to her through texts and calls. In December 2012 I found out they were sending middle of the night texts. 3000 of them. He has maintained I was crazy, there is nothing going on, its all in my head, and promised in December that he understood it hurt me for him to remain friends with her and he would stop talking to her and only see her when he needed to (he runs our towns sports club and she is on the board with him). I tried for 15 months to fix whatever was wrong in my marriage. Read every book, i saw a counselor, tried to communicate. He just got colder. It's like someone else is wearing my husbands skin. Its not him. Everyone I have told in the last 3 days is in utter disbelief. Anyway, Sunday HER husband shows up at my house with proof. they were using a site to oommunicate instead of texting. Plenty of mention of sex and I love you's. I confronted him and he denied denied denied then admitted the sex started only a few months ago. I don't care when it started, once was enough. I am lost. We are divorcing and he said he is "in love" with her. She is a rude obnoxious bully, very unattractive (i am not just saying that), who tells her children regularly (in front of us) that their father is an idiot. How can he love that? He said he loves her because of the way she makes him feel (oh she strokes that ego well on the texts). I started going back to school a year ago bc i guess I saw the writing on the wall, but I won't be done with the RN program for 2 years. I am so lost. I keep having panic attacks, I havent eaten in 3 days, i sit in my closet and sob and beg God to take this pain away. Do I want him back? NO. But I am grieving for the loss of my "old" husband. the one that would never do this. I am left to take care of the kids and keep life normal for them, while he is gone doing what he wants. and he STILL expects me to attend sports games where I will have to see both of them, And he got angry bc I ams till part of his family but I wont go to his parents fr Xmas or Thanksgiving. And he has no regrets, only that it happened this way to the kids. not what he did to me, And when I asked him if he felt any guilt the first time he slept with her, he said none. I'm an intelligent woman, and I know how all of this sounds, but this man...he is NOT my husband. As sad as it sounds, I almost prayed their was something wrong with him healthwise that made him change so rapidly. I am stuck trying to deal with this, and pay off debt, and finish school (he said everything can stay the same until I finish school and get a job. He will live elsewhere, i can handle all the money as I have for 14 years). Please help. I cannot sleep or eat. I am in the throes of despair and I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. thank you in advance.

Jules1111 posted 11/27/2013 07:06 AM

I should clarify, he is angry with me because I refuse to go to his parents (who live next door) for the holidays and celebrate as a family. After he told me he has wanted out for years (lies) and that he doesnt love me. He even told his parents to rationalize his behavior that "there have been problems for years.." WTF?

jjct posted 11/27/2013 07:19 AM

Typical. He believes his lies because he can't stand to face what he is.
And he wants to play pretend holidays so others don't see him as the bad guy.
You CANNOT remain friends - he betrayed you in a most cruel way.

Lawyer up! Get temporary orders in place. Protect yourself financially. Protect yourself personally by having NO CONTACT with this monster. FTG!
Kids and finances ONLY.

If he wants to engage - it's to make himself feel better - he doesn't give one shit about you. Do not engage. His efforts should be met with *crickets* &/or "Talk to my attorney."

Sending strength.
We got your back.

Jules1111 posted 11/27/2013 07:26 AM

Thank you, and I understand what you are saying. I'm not in a position to divorce financially. I have been a stay at home mom for 13 years. I am in school, he is the breadwinner thought I handle the money. I cannot pay for a lawyer. I had hoped he'd flip back to the normal loving husband I had before (this is before I knew about the physical affair). If things didnt work out I planned then we would divorce. I never thought it would actually happen. I did see someone this summer for a free consultation and when he found out he freaked out and got real nice for a while. I cannot afford the retainer fee. In my state legal separations only last a year. I guess my problem is the panic attacks, the despair, the disbelief. And the fact I am supposed to see her at sports games. I dnt care if he meets someone and is happy down the road. I just dont want him to be happy with HER. I'm devastated for my kids. I have zero self esteem left (like i said, she is a monster). I am terrified.

solus sto posted 11/27/2013 07:31 AM

First, I'm very, very sorry for your pain.

Secondly, there are few of us who are in any financial position to separate or divorce. Really.

But we do it because we have to, because the cost of remaining is too high.

I stayed for far too long. Giving up that part of my life was ...foolish.

That said, I wasn't in ANY better a place despite the time spent.

And yet, I've survived--like those before me.

It's hard. But consider that you will likely get spousal support, etc. Chances are, you CAN do just fine for the next couple of years.

TALK TO A LAWYER. Find out what your situation REALLY is before you commit to remaining in a soul-sucking situation.

FightingBack posted 11/27/2013 07:32 AM

Jules, I am so sorry that you find yourself here, but you have found the right place for comfort, support and advice.

We have all been where you are. Maybe our situations are different, but we have all felt the same crushing shock.

We have all been the sobbing mess, begging for relief from the pain. Although you won't be able to imagine it right now, it will not last forever. It will get less and less as time goes on.

So for now, you must only think about taking care of you so that you can take care of your boys. They need you to be strong, so you will be.

You are correct. Your husband will not seem like the man you married. He is not. he is so wrapped up in his AP (affair partner) that he will not see reason or light for now. There is no point trying to figure him out. Nothing will make sense so don't waste your time.

Eat a bit, drink a lot (try to avoid alcohol) and sleep when you can. Don't be worrying about the holidays right now. Take care of your kids and find a good friend, one you can trust, to talk to in person.

We are here for you also, and other posters will be along to give you good advice on your next move.

Remember, we have all been where you are now, and we know just how devastating it is.

This is a hug....((((Jules))))

Healing2012 posted 11/27/2013 07:36 AM

I am so sorry you're dealing with all of this. I can sense your anxiety from your post. Regarding the panic attacks, please see your doctor. I know some people don't like to take medication, but he/she can give you something to help with the attacks. I know it's difficult, but you probably don't have to get into details.

Can I ask why you need to be at these sports games? I understand if your kids are involved, but just because he wants you there? I don't think so.

Please keep posting. You are in a safe place here with people who understand what you're going through. No judgment. Just support.

Sending you strength...

Lalagirl posted 11/27/2013 07:45 AM

(((((Jules))))

I am so sorry. Double betrayal sucks (there is a Double Betrayal thread in the "I Can Relate" section of this site...another place to go for support as they have been there).

Please seek legal aid if necessary to get your ducks in a row for financial and emotional support. There is help out there. Same with IC - many will work on a sliding income scale (and the court may order him to pay for your therapy).

Please see your doctor and get tested for STDs.

This is NOT your fault. Even if you were a royal bitch, he should have exited the M before having an affair. Period. The A is 100% on HIM.

And as far as your "friend" is concerned, ask an attorney if she can be sued for alienation of affection. Some states allow this. If so, do it! There's a special place in Hell for OPs who were "friends" - I've been there and understand.

This "lurrve" he's in will blow up in his face - it may not be today, tomorrow, or even a year from now, but trust me, it will happen. If he was unfaithful to you (and her to her H) - how do you think their trust will be in one another after the fantasy is gone? When real life sets in? Get out your popcorn, cause one day, you will see one hell of a karma show.

In the meantime, please take care of yourself, get a lawyer, and keep posting here. We will be there for you every step of the way.

Also, please read and implement the 180 (in the Healing Library) - this is for you - not to make him want to come back to you.

Big hugs,

Lala

myowndystopia posted 11/27/2013 07:48 AM

Jules1111- I'm new at this myself so I offer the support but have little advice.

grieving for the loss of my "old" husband

You said this well! I keep asking myself why am I so sad and this is it. We are In mourning for what once was.
Perhaps it's time to start a new holiday tradition. The turkey will taste better without him at the table! I know it's already awkward being around my WH- hard to believe we've been married 28 yrs and together for 31-
I have started journaling and I think that has helped me some so you may want to try jotting some of your thoughts down.

Jules1111 posted 11/27/2013 07:57 AM

Thanks for the replies. I did go see my doc yesterday for a full workup (humiliating), and to get help with the panic attacks.

I am NOT staying in the marriage. I just cannot afford an actual divorce yet. I will see a lawyer for a consultation, but as the situation looked from my last consultation when i was checking options..(i wasnt ready to actually separate..i didnt know he was physically cheating) if we can stay "married" while I pay off the debt and finish school, it is better. Its just paper now anyway, he's already sleeping with someone else. As far as the sports go. My son and his son are on the same soccer team, which he coaches, and for which she is the team mom. For 6 years. Our families used to hang out a lot. I'm not sure if its a midlife crisis or not but she tells him he's brilliant, sexy, has beautiful brown eyes and strong arms, and he's amazing and she loves him.... everytime I remember reading those texts I want to vomit. I just want this to blow up in their faces. Her husband already filed yesterday. This is day 4 for me. I just feel broken. I want to just be angry now so I can eat again and sleep again and focus on school (finals next week), and take care of my kids. But all I can do is cry and panic..then i have 3 minutes of peace where I think "I will be ok"...then the panic again..then the sadness, then the sobbing. then the WHY? then the fear, then 3 more minutes of peace followed by hours of the other crap again. I hate this.

painfulpast posted 11/27/2013 08:27 AM

((((Jules1111))))

I'm so sorry for you. As has been said, we've been there. We've wanted the OW to die in a crash. We've wanted our WS to beg us to come back. We've wanted to crawl in a hole and die. And mostly, we've wanted to wake up and find this is just a nightmare. It isn't, and it's hard, but you will get through this.

Statistically, it will blow up in their faces. It's something minor, like 3%, of affair couples that are still together in a year. Once the 'thrill' of sneaking around is gone, and the realities of life, like work schedules, making dinner, driving kids around, paying bills, etc, creep into that nice fantasy of 'oh what big brown eyes you have, what strong arms you have' goes away, what's left are two very broken, guilty people that don't like themselves or each other. Right now, he's in a fog. He thinks you need to spend holidays with him and his family, and that you need to attend games where he and OW are 'star' players. You don't, and you shouldn't. You don't need to keep up his charade. Let the world see the 'real' him, the him that leaves his wife for his best friend's wife. Let the world see the him that is selfish and weak and needs his ego fed, and will do anything to get that feeding. No, you don't need to play his game.

Remember, she treated her own H like this once, and she'll stop doing it with your H too. And all those wonderful things he did that made you fall in love with him? He'll stop doing those things. You'll be left with two ugly people that are out seeking their next fix. What they have isn't real. You know that. It's based on ego feeding and lies. They each play the part that will get them their next fix. It's a game and they'll both lose.

But that doesn't really help you now, does it? As you've been told, you will get through this. Please eat, and drink plenty of water. If you can't eat, drink boost or some other nutrition drink. Try to sleep. Ask your doc for some anti-anxiety meds. They help, a lot.

Post here, as often as you want about anything you want. This site is filled with caring people that have gone through what you have, and are here to help you get through it too.

WhatsRight posted 11/27/2013 08:42 AM

Jules1111...

I am so sorry you are in this horrible place in your life.

I want to offer this about your immediate future - exams.

You know how you said that sometimes you have "3 minutes of peace" where you think you are going to be OK?

My challenge to you is this...since you have decided to divorce, but you really need this education, consider doing this...

Tell yourself that you have worked so very hard all semester toward this goal of yours. These exams are important to you - they will serve you in attaining your goal. You have all the time in the world to grieve the loss of your marriage (as you knew it).

Give yourself permission for a couple of weeks to prepare for these tests, take care of yourself, and put this success "under your belt". Afterwards, you can cry and grieve all you want - OR - maybe after the 2 weeks are up, it won't be quite so hard to move forward - having that time behind you.

You can do this. You can do this. He cannot stop you. Your grief over your past marriage cannot stop you. You can do this.

Just give yourself 2 weeks. We can do anything for just 2 weeks. Again, if, at that time, you want to fall apart? Do it.

But do not let him take away all of this hard work you have done. You are a strong woman - stronger than you think.

You can do this!

I will be praying for your strength!

HUGS

Lola7 posted 11/27/2013 08:55 AM

A lot of what you are going through is similar to what I'm dealing with. I've said more that once that it's like my husband has evaporated and now I'm left with sporadic text messages from this, stand in. It's like there must be a pod in the backyard with my real husband in it.

Now he's telling his family he wasn't happy for years and this new person is different blah blah blah. It's all bullshit. They do this to validate the shitty thing they are doing to you. Believe none of it.

If he ends up with her, enjoy the show. You can't build a healthy relationship on lies and deceit and as soon as it's not fun and dangerous anymore, they will tear each other apart. You cannot build your house on sand.

You are going to be fine. Keep going to school, worry about yourself. Get a lawyer that will let you make payments if you have to. You can do this. Also, read up on the 180.

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

myowndystopia posted 11/27/2013 09:09 AM

I'm with WhatsRight on the school issue. As hard as it is you have to finish the semester and get those credits! Is there a study group in your nursing program or even an individual you could study with? Being with others and studying may help you stay focused on the task. Remember your nursing program is for you and your boys- maybe there is another place you could go study rather than your home. The library or other place at your school that may get you away from constant triggers found in your home. Gather your strength and get it done! YOU can do it!

Lalagirl posted 11/27/2013 09:41 AM

If he ends up with her, enjoy the show. You can't build a healthy relationship on lies and deceit and as soon as it's not fun and dangerous anymore, they will tear each other apart. You cannot build your house on sand.

Amen!

I know this does not help now, Jules, but it's something to look forward to later.

I'm glad you saw the doctor - getting those panic attacks under control will help you immensely in your overall healing.

Unfortunately, sometimes there is no definitive "why" - it's simply two very selfish, broken people who have no moral compass.

Hugs...

Lostandpregnant posted 11/27/2013 09:44 AM

It's insane how much we all feel the same things.
I am right there beside you, panic attacks, not eating, not sleeping..thinking of the things they are doing and saying..trying to hold it together for the kids while he is gone with no responsibilities..him telling people it was "inevitable" because our relationship was crappy, how I'm this and that..he's an alien.

I think maybe it will help for us to know that they aren't coming back to being themselves. That person is really gone.
And it doesn't help me to think that his new "thing" will fail..that gives me weird false hope.

Better to try and somehow absorb that it's over. That the person you knew is seriously GONE.

I don't know what to tell you in regards to how to survive this, because I don't know how to survive it (you can look up my past posts to read my own story).

Just..breathe. It's helping me reading in here and making this a safe space for me to try and process this nightmare my life has become.

homewrecked2011 posted 11/27/2013 09:53 AM

My H set me up to be friends with the OW 5 months AFTER they were already fucking! He encouraged the friendship,,, wanting to have her and her H over!

Who does that? My counselor looked me in the eye and said,,,,"a very sick person".

I learned on this site that no contact = no new hurts. That is really how i could finally get my mind around this.

There are 41,000 people in the last few years who have subscribed to this site.

These Waywards are a sick type of person. I promised my children when WH left, that our home was our cocoon. We are going to have peace here, he is not coming here, OW is not coming here and we are going to heal.

BTW I had to get help at a local domestic violence center because emotional abuse is abuse. My counseling is only 1.00 per visit..... It really helped.

I am 2 years out from dday and finally I can see the light.....

Please post here ALL THE TIME,,,so many will hold your hand thru this trauma.

homewrecked2011 posted 11/27/2013 10:00 AM

I also got a book at the library -- Love Must Be Tough. It tells how you have to find your inner toughness and not accept them to continue to disrespect us, that they have crossed the line of respect over and over with us. It says how to treat WH like a drug addicted teen --- with confidence that this is completely unacceptable behavior, it wont' be tolerated.

The pages in the book are "broken up" so that it is very easy to just pick up and read somewhere ---as I could not sit and read any type of book right after dday. By the time I got to chapter 2 I was calling WH bluff at every chance. I was completely empowered to stand up to him!

DO NOT TELL YOUR SPOUSE ABOUT THE BOOK.

Jules1111 posted 11/27/2013 10:49 AM

Thank you all for your kind words. I just had a 2 hour nap. It's something. I will look into the boost shakes, bc i cannot eat. I will also look for the book. I'm not sure what the 180 is? I stumbled on this site last night. I may have seen something about it but my brain isnt processing much.

Markone posted 11/27/2013 10:58 AM

Jules

Go to the yellow box to the upper left on your screen -- click on Healing Library -- plenty of great resources and explanantion of the 180 (which you seem to be already practicing btw -- focus on YOU)

As I'm sure you already know -- this isn't about you. It's about his pathetic need for validation and ego-stroking. And her? she's a bottom-feeding whore.

It's common -- the complete and sudden change. They have to make us the villain to justify their actions. It's an act of extreme cowardice.

4 days in - you are stronger than most. You will be OK.