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Leafan1976 posted 11/27/2013 07:05 AM

Sorry I'm kind of posting the same topic again.

But I want as many responses as possible.

So last night I asked my WS for full access to her acct. She fought it..... Still don't have it.

Can't you all please take a min and explain to her your opinion on full access. Is it mandatory for me to heal?

AFrayedKnot posted 11/27/2013 07:09 AM

She is hiding something. Drop the subject. Install a key logger. Get the passwords yourself. Make copies of anything you find.

heartbrokeninaz posted 11/27/2013 07:11 AM

If she is not willing it looks to you like she is hiding something. I have every password to every account my husband has. It does not mean I check them every day, but if I feel the need to it is my perogative. It is hard to trust a WS and they need to help in that healing process by doing whatever it takes.

deb3129 posted 11/27/2013 07:14 AM

Yes, I think it is mandatory for your healing, especially if you feel that it is. My WH gave me full access immediately after DDay to his emails, his phone, his checking account info, anything else I wanted. Three years later I still have access to all of that, and if he changes a password he tells me, every time. I am sad to say that every once in a while, even though it is still 3 years later, I do check.

But the fact that he gave me full access, and still knows that I check,and does not care, does a LOT to reassure me that he is still doing exactly what he needs to be. One of the things that should have been a warning sign for me but never was, was the fact that he never liked me to touch his phone. Now it makes my heart glad every time I walk over, pick up his phone and do what I want, without him blinking an eye.

I think that some WS see the access as an invasion to their privacy, and I can see how if would feel that way. But the bottom line is, those of us who have been betrayed need every reassurance possible that it will not happen to us again. There are never any guarantees, but anything that gives us just a little bit of security helps a lot. If a WS is still guarding things, it is obviously going to make us feel that they are hiding something ,whether they are or not. Deciding to reconcile takes a LOT on our parts, and we are constantly second guessing whether it is a good idea or not, especially initially. So things like being protective of accounts just makes us wonder even more if we are making a huge mistake trying to trust again.

My WS actually offered before being asked to give me full access to everything. But if he had not, thanks to this site, I would have asked for it pretty early on, and it would have been one of the requirements for me to try reconciliation.

homewrecked2011 posted 11/27/2013 07:16 AM

She wants the security of having you and her home.

She wants the "rush" of someone else wanting her.

I was in the same situation with my WH. I stopped him in his tracks when I said, "I will not have a fake marriage. I deserve a real spouse. You will go to MC and IC and come clean to me on everything and give me full access to all of your accounts." THis, by the way is what my friend who DID have an affair on her husband told me. She said having this accountability kept her out of denial, kept her in reality, and kept her away from the OM.

Anyway, this was too much for my WS to handle, so he left. I immediately filed divorce papers on him. He's with the OW, but I know it won't be forever, as she is cheating on him.

I have never had to beg someone like a whimpering abused dog to love me and realize the awesome person I am. If you are doing this,,, it's time to stand tall and kick her ass to the curb, as she is never going to "get" your feelings, and you will be in the hell you are in now ---forever.

If you will hold her accountable, she will stay out of denial and hopefully you guys will have an awesome marriage.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:20 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

KatieG posted 11/27/2013 07:16 AM

It seems to be that hiding her account from you is more important than your peace of mind and therefore your relationship.

Leafan1976 posted 11/27/2013 07:18 AM

I think what has made this harder for her, is that our Dday was 3 year ago. I didn't ask for full access back then. But now I am.

Alyssamd24 posted 11/27/2013 07:19 AM

WS here....hope you don't mind the response. Yes you should have full access to all of her accounts....if she is being honest with you and truly wants to fix your M it shouldn't be an issue......I gave my BH full access to my accounts even though he said he didn't want them because he doesn't want to have to spy.....but he at least has them now and can have that security

rachelc posted 11/27/2013 07:20 AM

has she read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair?"

i would be very calm about it. Say, this is how recovery is going to go - full transparency or no recovery.

Leafan1976 posted 11/27/2013 07:26 AM

rachelc I don't know if she has. What is that?? Where can I find a link to send her.

Thanks so much guys. I want all opinions here. So WS are more than welcome to post replies. Actually since my end game is reconciliation I encourage WS's to post on all my threads. I want to know how things sit from both sides.

RipsInMyChest posted 11/27/2013 07:44 AM

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

It doesn't matter that it was 3 years ago for your WW.... In fact, my opinion is WS might be good for a year or so and then find a new AP after things of calm down. (If that's the kind of person they are.) I actually worry more about 5-10 years from now than I do right now.

I will never stop checking.... I will still check 20 years from now if I feel the need.

Unagie posted 11/27/2013 07:52 AM

How to help your spouse heal from your affair is a book. You can buy the kindle version and read it online. Now as for you not having access I think its ridiculous. If she wants to help you and is serious about reestablishing trust then why not? If she has nothing to hide then who cares if you can see it all. I realized that when he refused to share PW's with me is when I started really digging....what I found broke my heart.

painfulpast posted 11/27/2013 08:00 AM

Transparency is for life, not for the first few months after DDay. She has shown you that she will cheat, so she needs to be transparent, always. Either that, or she needs to be single.

She'll probably give you access today, after she's created a new account that you don't know about, cleaned up the old one, and is all set with you seeing this old account now.

Get the key logger. She's hiding something.

JanaGreen posted 11/27/2013 08:02 AM

IMO Yes.

Bobbi_sue posted 11/27/2013 08:02 AM

Can't you all please take a min and explain to her your opinion on full access. Is it mandatory for me to heal?
I don't believe in the concept of the WS being responsible for your healing.

You need to look at her actions and decide what to do with your life.

Every situation is different and I'm sure some people heal whether or not they get "full access." I divorced my first H and I still healed. I got very few answers or details from him. Well, I knew more than I wanted to, as it was and made the decision to end it.

It sounds like you want to guide her in what she "should do." I guess that works for some, but for me, if my FWS did not come up with everything on his own, how to show me how remorseful he was, and how he was devoting his entire life to proving he could be a man who deserves me for his wife, then I would have told him to hit the road. And yes, my H gave me full access, passwords, etc. to all his internet and phone stuff. But it was his idea to do that, not mine. That makes a huge difference to me, and is the main reason my H and I are still together 7 years later.

BaxtersBFF posted 11/27/2013 08:06 AM

Another WS opinion...

There is privacy and the there are secrets. Secrets shouldn't exist in an M. Privacy is what you have when you close the bathroom door. That's about it.

My BW doesn't really check anything of mine anymore, but I'm not tied to my phone or laptop like I was back during and after the A. None of my devices are locked, and all of my accounts are available to her anytime she wants to see them. There isn't anything in any of those devices or accounts that I would feel she couldn't see. That is what being married is all about IMO. Especially after infidelity. Especially for the WS if they want to earn any trust back from their BS.

I know there are many BS's who won't give access to their WS's. That's fine, especially early on when the BS needs support and the WS isn't doing anything to help toward R. But eventually, I think most BS's end up offering access to their accounts too.

And yes, it is pretty damn easy to hide accounts. email addresses are free, so why not just create another one and hide stuff in there? Well, then you have to start keeping track of what's where, there will always be that fear that you forgot to close that app or log out of that account. Oh, and then there is the thought that "well, I can do this or say that in this account because nobody knows I have it" which adds another avenue to do things that you might not otherwise do, like having inappropriate conversations with strangers, or with people who aren't friends of the M.

Life is just so much easier when there's nothing left to hide. At first it may seem that you are surrendering, that you are walking around with your tail in-between your legs and sulking, but eventually you start realizing how freeing it is to not be living your life in such a way that you are feeling the need to hide things and always having that edge of defensiveness about your privacy.

Just let it all go.

tushnurse posted 11/27/2013 08:15 AM

Very simply:

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

If she is fighting this, arguing it, or unwilling to be completely transparent then you need to be very concerned.

I had, all the excuses early on, "I will never have any privacy again" "I will not be babysat" blah de blah. The funny thing is when he really started to do the hard work of R, and when he was all in, all that shit went away. It's just noise to either guilt you into shutting up, or gaslighting you into feeling bad for not trusting.

The truth of the matter is you don't trust, you shouldn't trust, and eveytime there is pushback yhou should be concerned and have your hackles raised up.

When you have full access, and can snoop freely, and never be made to feel bad about it, that's when you can start healing, and it takes about 40 Bazillion of those episodes, and real changes in behavior in your partner for you to really trust again. If they don't get that, or are pissed off by it, then they are not interested in you healing, or the relationship healing.

blakesteele posted 11/27/2013 08:55 AM

has she read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair?"
i would be very calm about it. Say, this is how recovery is going to go - full transparency or no recovery.

Rachelc----she is wise, listen to her.

God be with us all.

HardenMyHeart posted 11/27/2013 09:00 AM

So last night I asked my WS for full access to her acct. She fought it

What were her reasons against providing access?

If your WS does not provide access, it's safe to assume there is likely more painful information you would discover. My guess is that you have probably not yet received full disclosure regarding the affair.

I recommend reading the following article in "The Healing Library" titled, What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile:

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:06 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

plainpain posted 11/27/2013 09:07 AM

Mandatory. She has to be a glass house, as far as you are concerned. Her primary concern should be your emotional well-being, and rebuilding trust between you. That's it. She should be volunteering that information to you.

As a woman, I totally understand a very, very deep need for privacy. It's a woman thing, I think - we need a space of our own, that nobody else can touch, even if it's very small. I get that. Buy her a journal.

Any opportunity for communication with another person where you do not have open and easy access, is clearly, CLEARLY a deep concern. The fact that she would resist that says that her primary concern is self-preservation, not the rebuilding of your marriage. She's hiding something.

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