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Newest Member: Port (45718)

User Topic: Please Everyone answer this question !!
Leafan1976
♂ 36338
Member # 36338
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I'm kind of posting the same topic again.

But I want as many responses as possible.

So last night I asked my WS for full access to her acct. She fought it..... Still don't have it.

Can't you all please take a min and explain to her your opinion on full access. Is it mandatory for me to heal?


Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is hiding something. Drop the subject. Install a key logger. Get the passwords yourself. Make copies of anything you find.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2668 | Registered: Aug 2012
heartbrokeninaz
♀ 40779
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she is not willing it looks to you like she is hiding something. I have every password to every account my husband has. It does not mean I check them every day, but if I feel the need to it is my perogative. It is hard to trust a WS and they need to help in that healing process by doing whatever it takes.


BW 41(me)
WH 41
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with beaverface
DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 217 | Registered: Sep 2013
deb3129
♀ 30315
Member # 30315
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I think it is mandatory for your healing, especially if you feel that it is. My WH gave me full access immediately after DDay to his emails, his phone, his checking account info, anything else I wanted. Three years later I still have access to all of that, and if he changes a password he tells me, every time. I am sad to say that every once in a while, even though it is still 3 years later, I do check.

But the fact that he gave me full access, and still knows that I check,and does not care, does a LOT to reassure me that he is still doing exactly what he needs to be. One of the things that should have been a warning sign for me but never was, was the fact that he never liked me to touch his phone. Now it makes my heart glad every time I walk over, pick up his phone and do what I want, without him blinking an eye.

I think that some WS see the access as an invasion to their privacy, and I can see how if would feel that way. But the bottom line is, those of us who have been betrayed need every reassurance possible that it will not happen to us again. There are never any guarantees, but anything that gives us just a little bit of security helps a lot. If a WS is still guarding things, it is obviously going to make us feel that they are hiding something ,whether they are or not. Deciding to reconcile takes a LOT on our parts, and we are constantly second guessing whether it is a good idea or not, especially initially. So things like being protective of accounts just makes us wonder even more if we are making a huge mistake trying to trust again.

My WS actually offered before being asked to give me full access to everything. But if he had not, thanks to this site, I would have asked for it pretty early on, and it would have been one of the requirements for me to try reconciliation.


I am pessimistically optimistic


Me- 43
WH- 36
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
DDay-11/29/2010
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.


Posts: 791 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
homewrecked2011
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She wants the security of having you and her home.

She wants the "rush" of someone else wanting her.


I was in the same situation with my WH. I stopped him in his tracks when I said, "I will not have a fake marriage. I deserve a real spouse. You will go to MC and IC and come clean to me on everything and give me full access to all of your accounts." THis, by the way is what my friend who DID have an affair on her husband told me. She said having this accountability kept her out of denial, kept her in reality, and kept her away from the OM.

Anyway, this was too much for my WS to handle, so he left. I immediately filed divorce papers on him. He's with the OW, but I know it won't be forever, as she is cheating on him.

I have never had to beg someone like a whimpering abused dog to love me and realize the awesome person I am. If you are doing this,,, it's time to stand tall and kick her ass to the curb, as she is never going to "get" your feelings, and you will be in the hell you are in now ---forever.

If you will hold her accountable, she will stay out of denial and hopefully you guys will have an awesome marriage.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:20 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2322 | Registered: Jan 2012
KatieG
♀ 41222
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems to be that hiding her account from you is more important than your peace of mind and therefore your relationship.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 503 | Registered: Nov 2013
Leafan1976
♂ 36338
Member # 36338
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what has made this harder for her, is that our Dday was 3 year ago. I didn't ask for full access back then. But now I am.


Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2012
Alyssamd24
♀ 39005
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS here....hope you don't mind the response. Yes you should have full access to all of her accounts....if she is being honest with you and truly wants to fix your M it shouldn't be an issue......I gave my BH full access to my accounts even though he said he didn't want them because he doesn't want to have to spy.....but he at least has them now and can have that security


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

has she read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair?"

i would be very calm about it. Say, this is how recovery is going to go - full transparency or no recovery.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5494 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Leafan1976
♂ 36338
Member # 36338
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc I don't know if she has. What is that?? Where can I find a link to send her.

Thanks so much guys. I want all opinions here. So WS are more than welcome to post replies. Actually since my end game is reconciliation I encourage WS's to post on all my threads. I want to know how things sit from both sides.


Me- 37 BS Her - 32 WW (LTA)
Married 13 years
OM was an issue the whole time. An ex.
LTA went on through the majority of our M
Working on R
2 kids one 2 1/2 boy one 12 yo daughter

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2012
RipsInMyChest
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

It doesn't matter that it was 3 years ago for your WW.... In fact, my opinion is WS might be good for a year or so and then find a new AP after things of calm down. (If that's the kind of person they are.) I actually worry more about 5-10 years from now than I do right now.

I will never stop checking.... I will still check 20 years from now if I feel the need.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Oct 2013
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How to help your spouse heal from your affair is a book. You can buy the kindle version and read it online. Now as for you not having access I think its ridiculous. If she wants to help you and is serious about reestablishing trust then why not? If she has nothing to hide then who cares if you can see it all. I realized that when he refused to share PW's with me is when I started really digging....what I found broke my heart.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2798 | Registered: Oct 2012
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Transparency is for life, not for the first few months after DDay. She has shown you that she will cheat, so she needs to be transparent, always. Either that, or she needs to be single.

She'll probably give you access today, after she's created a new account that you don't know about, cleaned up the old one, and is all set with you seeing this old account now.

Get the key logger. She's hiding something.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO Yes.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6908 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Bobbi_sue
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't you all please take a min and explain to her your opinion on full access. Is it mandatory for me to heal?
I don't believe in the concept of the WS being responsible for your healing.

You need to look at her actions and decide what to do with your life.

Every situation is different and I'm sure some people heal whether or not they get "full access." I divorced my first H and I still healed. I got very few answers or details from him. Well, I knew more than I wanted to, as it was and made the decision to end it.

It sounds like you want to guide her in what she "should do." I guess that works for some, but for me, if my FWS did not come up with everything on his own, how to show me how remorseful he was, and how he was devoting his entire life to proving he could be a man who deserves me for his wife, then I would have told him to hit the road. And yes, my H gave me full access, passwords, etc. to all his internet and phone stuff. But it was his idea to do that, not mine. That makes a huge difference to me, and is the main reason my H and I are still together 7 years later.


Posts: 5774 | Registered: Apr 2006
BaxtersBFF
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another WS opinion...

There is privacy and the there are secrets. Secrets shouldn't exist in an M. Privacy is what you have when you close the bathroom door. That's about it.

My BW doesn't really check anything of mine anymore, but I'm not tied to my phone or laptop like I was back during and after the A. None of my devices are locked, and all of my accounts are available to her anytime she wants to see them. There isn't anything in any of those devices or accounts that I would feel she couldn't see. That is what being married is all about IMO. Especially after infidelity. Especially for the WS if they want to earn any trust back from their BS.

I know there are many BS's who won't give access to their WS's. That's fine, especially early on when the BS needs support and the WS isn't doing anything to help toward R. But eventually, I think most BS's end up offering access to their accounts too.

And yes, it is pretty damn easy to hide accounts. email addresses are free, so why not just create another one and hide stuff in there? Well, then you have to start keeping track of what's where, there will always be that fear that you forgot to close that app or log out of that account. Oh, and then there is the thought that "well, I can do this or say that in this account because nobody knows I have it" which adds another avenue to do things that you might not otherwise do, like having inappropriate conversations with strangers, or with people who aren't friends of the M.

Life is just so much easier when there's nothing left to hide. At first it may seem that you are surrendering, that you are walking around with your tail in-between your legs and sulking, but eventually you start realizing how freeing it is to not be living your life in such a way that you are feeling the need to hide things and always having that edge of defensiveness about your privacy.

Just let it all go.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very simply:

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

If she is fighting this, arguing it, or unwilling to be completely transparent then you need to be very concerned.

I had, all the excuses early on, "I will never have any privacy again" "I will not be babysat" blah de blah. The funny thing is when he really started to do the hard work of R, and when he was all in, all that shit went away. It's just noise to either guilt you into shutting up, or gaslighting you into feeling bad for not trusting.

The truth of the matter is you don't trust, you shouldn't trust, and eveytime there is pushback yhou should be concerned and have your hackles raised up.

When you have full access, and can snoop freely, and never be made to feel bad about it, that's when you can start healing, and it takes about 40 Bazillion of those episodes, and real changes in behavior in your partner for you to really trust again. If they don't get that, or are pissed off by it, then they are not interested in you healing, or the relationship healing.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8789 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

has she read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair?"
i would be very calm about it. Say, this is how recovery is going to go - full transparency or no recovery.

Rachelc----she is wise, listen to her.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
HardenMyHeart
♂ 15902
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So last night I asked my WS for full access to her acct. She fought it

What were her reasons against providing access?

If your WS does not provide access, it's safe to assume there is likely more painful information you would discover. My guess is that you have probably not yet received full disclosure regarding the affair.

I recommend reading the following article in "The Healing Library" titled, What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:06 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5711 | Registered: Aug 2007
plainpain
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mandatory. She has to be a glass house, as far as you are concerned. Her primary concern should be your emotional well-being, and rebuilding trust between you. That's it. She should be volunteering that information to you.

As a woman, I totally understand a very, very deep need for privacy. It's a woman thing, I think - we need a space of our own, that nobody else can touch, even if it's very small. I get that. Buy her a journal.

Any opportunity for communication with another person where you do not have open and easy access, is clearly, CLEARLY a deep concern. The fact that she would resist that says that her primary concern is self-preservation, not the rebuilding of your marriage. She's hiding something.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
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