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He's at it again. Tmi warning

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TrustGone posted 11/27/2013 07:58 AM

Well, it's happening again or it never really stopped. WH#2 thinks I am so stupid that I have no idea what is going on. I have been suspecting something for the last couple of months, but really had no concrete evidence that he was still in the affair. The telltale signs were little to no interest in sex with me, drunk every night, stopped bringing home his paycheck for me to see to prove he was at work when he said he was, all anxious about me teaching him to use the computer and then not wanting me to know his e-mail password. I could go on, but you get the picture.

Anyway, last night we went to bed together, which is not happening much lately. He decides he wants sex. I feel his dick and it's all chafted and has abrasions. I ask him why. He says he doesn't know, he hadn't noticed it before. I ask him if he hurt himself or got it caught in his zipper. He says no. Then he comments that I am spoiling the moment. I'm thinking REALLY??? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS???? Now I am 51yrs old. I wasn't born yesterday. I am not stupid on how a man's dick gets chafted and scratched. It's from too much sex with a dry vagina and since we hadn't had sex in weeks, it wasn't from mine.I then tell him that he needs to make sure that he uses lube next time. He lays there for a minute because he doesn't know what to say and his brain isn't working fast enough because he is drunk to come up with a quick come back. Then he just asks what I'm talking about and repeats what I said. I didn't say anything else. He tries to snuggle and tell me goodnight. I get up and tell him I can't sleep. He says nothing, which is another sign for me.

You see he is a conflict avoider and is not very smart. It takes him a whole day usually to come up with an excuse to try to justify what I have discovered. Until then he pretends that I don't know and tries to gaslight and blame shift when he gets home from work or comes up with his idea of a logical reason for this DDay when he can't.

I am really right proud of myself this time. I didn't shout and cuss him for all he was worth. I just pretended this morning that it was business as usual. I am unfortunately not Hollywood material because he knew I was not happy when he left for work. He asked me what was wrong. I just told him he knew what was wrong and being his conflict avoiding self he just left and went to work.

Now my problem is this. I have a chronic disease (NASH)that will only get worse with time. I will eventually need a new liver, but they say I am stuck with this one until it totally gives out. I just went on SSI disability this past month. It is at a bad stage so it didn't take me but a few months to get approved for it. I cried when I filed the papers because it was the last thing I knew or wanted to do. I have too many days of sickness for anyone to hire me and I was running out of funds. I can't afford my home or bills on my own. I have no relatives that live here. I have a few friends, but no one that I can really depend on, nor do I want to ask them for help anymore than I already have. Both my kids are grown and estranged because they hated WH#2.

I am just so pissed that he probably used my illness to string this cumdumpster OW along for the last year as to why he couldn't leave me yet. I am sure that is the case, because she is really a psycho bitch that never really went away. I know he doesn't love her, but has just been using her for the last 4yrs for sex and ego boosting and she is too stupid and desperate to dump him.

So, I guess my question is, is there anyone else on SI that just has a marriage of convenience? And if so, how do you deal with it? I am starting the 180 again to hopefully get myself in a better mental state. I have been doing parts of the 180 since the last DDay, but I have to admit I am not very good at it. It really takes too much of a toll on me because of the arguements, blame shifting, and gas lighting it causes with WH. Any advice, besides leave him, would be helpful to me. For the most part I am about as happy as I can be for now and a divorce at this point would probably literally kill me.

I am going to try and pull myself together because I have errands to run this morning and will respond when I get back to anyone that takes the time to read and respond to my long pity party story.

JanaGreen posted 11/27/2013 08:06 AM

((HUGS)) I'm really sorry TG.

painfulpast posted 11/27/2013 08:08 AM


I don't live in a marriage of convenience, but for a time I did. You just pretend, but there is no intimacy, emotionally or physically. It isn't a great life - very empty as I'm sure you're imagining. Then again we were pretending it wasn't for convenience, so I don't know how it goes for people that have separate rooms and make no claims about love.

I would see a lawyer. You may be able to get enough of his money to afford your home, etc. Don't assume that you'll walk away empty handed. Please, talk to an attorney.

TrustGone posted 11/27/2013 08:28 AM

Thanks for the hugs and advice. I have already seen a lawyer and even filed for divorce after DDay#1, but didn't go through with it. This of course was before SI and I was in too much shock and pain at the time to think straight.

I have already had a divorce in this state with WH#1 that took 2.5yrs and cost me a arm and my two legs to get out of that marriage. It was the divorce from hell and I almost had to pay him SS even though he was the one that refused to work and was fucking around. It was a total joke and I still can't believe what all he got away with.

HardenMyHeart posted 11/27/2013 08:48 AM


TrustGone posted 11/27/2013 09:16 AM

Thanks guys. I guess I had been hoping against hope that he wouldn't continue to do this and would have a little bit of morals with all the other issues we have going on. He is fixing to lose his job after 30yrs and I guess this is his way of coping with that on top of my illness. I'm really not even sure if it's the same OW and at this point, I no longer care to know. I am just going to calmly suggest a marriage of convenience only as that's all I can do and that's about all he can do at this point unless he just leaves. He is fixing to hit rock bottom and he can't even see the edge of the cliff.

msk99 posted 11/27/2013 13:42 PM


Ostrich80 posted 11/27/2013 13:52 PM

It's possible but your health may take a beating. Stress kills us. It's so hard on the body. I have health issues that I know are worsening from living in a M of convenience but.I need his health crazy is that. The reason I'm staying is making it worse on my need for insurance. Is ge capable of taking care of you when you have surgery? If you could totally lock your heart up and cut all emotional ties maybe but that's so hard sometimes. Damn I wish I.had an answer for you

silverhopes posted 11/27/2013 14:00 PM

When it comes to the 180, something that can really help is to name all the things about him that are a turn-off. One really obvious one: if a person is an active cheater, isn't that a big turn-off? And each time he crosses your mind for any reason, you remind yourself of that. After a while, that's what's left. And you realize that you don't want to spend your energy on that.

It's a process. It's about eventually reaching the point where you withdraw your energy from them. That's the hard part.

What would your life look like if he were not in it? I do not ask to say you should leave (that's your choice); but rather, what things would make your life complete? Are you a writer? Do you enjoy reading? Are there places you like to go, for fun or to unwind? Hobbies you like? Have you limited your favorite foods because he doesn't eat them? One of the most effective ways to enact the 180 is to genuinely have a life outside the M (sans cheating, of course).

But one thing: I agree with you about having the in-house separation talk. This way, no matter how he acts, you communicate clearly what's going on and where you are. That way it's not nebulous, it's very direct. It's too bad he avoid conflict and confrontation, it sounds like an attempt to avoid responsibility.


I am so sorry you had to find out that way that he is still cheating. That is a horrible way to find out. Shame on him for not even being able to own that.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:02 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

StillLivin posted 11/27/2013 14:05 PM

I don't even know what to say.
I hope something makes itself available to you.
Your character really comes through in your post. You are funny as hell even though you weren't trying. I love your matter of factness and not take no shit attitude.
You are awesome. Sorry he isn't.
Again, (((hugs)))

whattheh posted 11/27/2013 14:18 PM

I'm sorry about your situation...

Since you don't have relatives nearby would it be worthwhile moving closer to family? If you did this maybe the new state would be a friendlier state for you to divorce if you decide on that route. If the OW has any assets you might be able to sue her for alienation of affection depending on the state?

If your H is going to lose his job couldn't he become a bigger burden to you? Also he could make decisions which may financially affect you.

Just wanted to offer some things to think about...

meplusfour posted 11/27/2013 15:49 PM


A marriage of convenience may sound like your only option and will allow you to keep your home and allow you to focus on dealing with your illness. But one downside is that if something happens, and you are no longer able to make decisions for yourself, your medical care providers may look to your WH to make decisions for you. After all, on paper, you are still married to him. Now, you may be able to execute a Personal Directive/Living Will, but it is my understanding, that the wishes of the next of kin, usually the spouse, is taken into consideration. My other downside thought was the same as whattheh, namely that you can be held responsible for his debts and other liabilities which he may incur.

Before you make any decisions about whether to enter into a marriage of convenience, please get some good legal advice. Ask about these issues and how you may protect yourself.

Sending you strength.

TrustGone posted 11/27/2013 15:53 PM

Thanks everyone who has responded to my post. I am trying at this point to make light of this, but it still hurts so bad. I know now that I could never be intimate with him again. Hell, I'm going to have to go through the horrible STD testing again. YaHOO!!!

I am only staying for the convenience factor which I will make obvious to him tonight. Since he is fixing to loss his job, insurance will only be a factor for me until September of next year when I can get on Medicare.

I think I am pretty well over what he thinks about things anymore, so the 180 will be easier for me now. My BF reminded me today what a special person I was for putting up with his shit for this long and they were his friends before me. He has done very little to attempt R and I am tired of trying to do it all by myself. He did just enough after DDay#2 to try and appease me. He has been sweet and more thoughtful, but has done nothing to fix his own issues.

Yes, I also find that this stress brings me to a place of being sicker than I should be at this point in my illness. The A brought on the major symptoms and diagnosis. Like I said he is probably telling the cumdumpster that he is only here because he can't leave me sick like this.

The facts are his family would disown him or at least be upset if he did leave me or find out again that he has continued to betray me. His parents are still alive and well and are already disappointed in him at the least. They love me and hate what he has done, but there again blood is thicker than water and I can't count on them to help me. It is a real shame since his family loves me and I hate to loss them, probably more than I hate to loss him at this point.

The only family I have left is a elderly aunt and a brother that can barely deal with his own issues. So moving back home is no longer an option for me. My aunt would take me in, but is not able to care for me at this point in her life. She is also a BS, but her WH died last year. She is great emotional support, but I couldn't impose on her to help me.

And yes, him losing his job after 30yrs has added to my burden. We have always split the bills because of both our prior marriages and divorces. We have always sort of lived financially like roommates and that was fine in the years before the A and my illness. Now I just feel used as his housekeeper, clothes washer, cook, and occasional sex partner when he is in the mood and I am not sick.

I thank all of you for your support and hugs. It means so much to me. I just feel so lost and don't know where to turn anymore. I am not sure what we will discuss when he gets home from work in a little while. I know I am finished as far as the conventional marriage goes. I will lay out what I will offer for the interm and he can take it or leave it. I have never been weak and I don't intend to start now. He can just go to her if thats what he wants, because I want no part of him anymore. Hope that makes sense and I'm not rambling again with my pity party. As they say in D/S...FTG (((HUGS)))

TrustGone posted 11/27/2013 16:01 PM

Thanks Meplusfour, I hadn't thought about that. I had my life insurance and banking accounts switched to my ex-BIL right after DDay#1, but WH#2 is beneficiary on my IRA's and probably my land. I will get with someone next week on the other. Thanks for reminding me that I need to do that.

headdesk posted 11/27/2013 17:23 PM

Another option is to look at room mates - I know of women who are on disability who live together because neither of them make enough to live independently. They are also both in the same boat so there is not the same pressures that there would be living with someone healthy.

leapyearbaby posted 11/27/2013 23:57 PM

Whatever you decide to do, I would get a free consultation with an attorney. S/he may have info you are not aware of that may change your mind. And if you walk out with no new info, you have lost an hour of your's worth it.

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