I am a person who became codependent partly out of the controlling way my X husband was. I do not drink but when X left, no one thought I could make it on my own. I have two small children, one a newborn, and am still going, for what it's worth to share.
Of course I don't know your wife and think it's decent of you to worry about her even after what she did, though I don't know your story. X did a lot for us for a time and is slowly pulling away more, both with chores and finances, so it's more adjustment to make. For him, it's been eons and he is in a hurry to make a complete break-he does not live here but comes very rarely to collect DD to visit-those times he may do a chore if he feels like it.
I wrote this to try to give a little idea of one codependent spouse's thinking. Now we are to the point where in some ways, I hope he won't do anything. Some of his "help" is to try to get rid of his guilt from leaving and his affair. That's one reason I don't want him to do anything.
I'm on the fence about your still helping her and not helping her after you were hurt by her. The little attachment I had left was a maternal sort of feeling for X but that's gone now, too.
Daily I get stronger and I don't ask for help unless I positively have to, for I have a new life to build and new ways that I want to be viewed by the world.
Again the drinking is another factor and I kind of wonder about the post that speaks of her not wanting anyone to watch her. If you do separate, though, I think you have more decisions to make because helping a person after the fact has what I call "cause and effect" actions. Like, if you do one thing, she may ask for more and more and so on and you could be stuck and not able to get out even though you physically separated.
One last thing and I don't know, but I would wonder if she would want to be left alone if she feels suffocated? I have several alcoholic relatives who's spouses have spoken of this and they have resentment at feelings of being watched-it's what they're doing, the sneaking, that makes them feel that way, one IC said.
Apologies for my lengthy note.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 12:19 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.