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Seperation/Divorce but staying in contact

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emotionalman posted 11/27/2013 08:53 AM

I know a lot of people have seen my posts recently. Its been a hard week of realizations.

I've finally decided we need to separate, start the process of divorce, and both move on with our lives. My WW has a lot of issues she needs to work through and so do I. None of those issues will be solved when I have to watch her every move and she feels suffocated. I can't put myself through that pain knowing she isn't truly remorseful and honest with me.

I'm breaking the news to her today at MC. The main issue I have is that she will most likely be staying alone in our apartment short term. I worry about her psychological health. She is a pretty depressed person in general and this will only make it worse. She also has self-destructive tendencies and already went back to drinking (she's a alcoholic, sober 3 weeks) last night when I stayed at my friends house.

I'm afraid of what might happen to her if she is alone all day. I asked her to move in with her mother who could take care of her, but she said the apartment is too small.

I want to give her the option to call me at any time and ask for my help. I want to be her shoulder to cry on. I want to help her find an IC and AA meetings. She was my best friend and I still love her and want to to be happy.

Can I continue to watch out for her as a friend even though we will no longer be together? I worry what she may do in her self-hate spiral.

Brandon808 posted 11/27/2013 09:08 AM

This...

The main issue I have is that she will most likely be staying alone in our apartment short term. I worry about her psychological health.
...and this...
I want to give her the option to call me at any time and ask for my help. I want to be her shoulder to cry on.
...screams co-dependent to me.

My xww had/has mental health issues. She never really got help. She never got help. Your WW must choose to get help. You are not responsible for her actions. She has to choose to get help. Self-destructive people will take other peoples lives down the drain with them.
This...

I asked her to move in with her mother who could take care of her, but she said the apartment is too small.
...is your WW making her choice. She will take advantage of you and play on your co-dependency and love for her. Do not let her. You don't have to be mean or cold, just detached.

suckstobeme posted 11/27/2013 09:55 AM

This is so hard because you obviously are a kind, caring person. The feelings don't just shut off when you decide to separate or divorce.

But, this is a time now where you need to step back. She has hurt you beyond belief, but yet your first thoughts are still with her. This, my friend, is co dependency at its finest. I know because I've been there. I also thought that I was the one, the only one that could fix my ex and that if I just showed him how much I was still there for him, this nightmare would end.

Unfortunately, that's an unrealistic and destructive view of the situation.

Hon, she chose all of this and she now must face the natural consequences of her decisions. You will destroy your own soul and what little self esteem may be left if you continue to be there for her emotionally. You won't heal - it will be like picking a scab over and over and over again.

In order to heal from this and gain some perspective on what you want and how you see the rest of your life, you have to do what Brandon said and step back. For you. I agree that you don't have to be nasty or cruel, but you have to start to detach and realize that if she wants to change, she will have to change and do the work all by herself. She's a grown woman and she will have to now act that way.

Save yourself. You can't be the one to save her.

sparkysable posted 11/27/2013 11:36 AM


I've finally decided we need to separate, start the process of divorce, and both move on with our lives. My WW has a lot of issues she needs to work through and so do I. None of those issues will be solved when I have to watch her every move and she feels suffocated. I can't put myself through that pain knowing she isn't truly remorseful and honest with me.

Good.

The main issue I have is that she will most likely be staying alone in our apartment short term. I worry about her psychological health. She is a pretty depressed person in general and this will only make it worse.

Oh well! Not your problem!

She also has self-destructive tendencies and already went back to drinking (she's a alcoholic, sober 3 weeks) last night when I stayed at my friends house.

Again...not your problem.


I'm afraid of what might happen to her if she is alone all day.

Was she afraid of what might happen to you if she had an affair?

I asked her to move in with her mother who could take care of her, but she said the apartment is too small.
She wants the freedom to do what she wants while not under the watchful eye of you, or her mother.

I want to give her the option to call me at any time and ask for my help.

Um, no. Do you see how self destructive this is FOR YOU?

I want to be her shoulder to cry on.

No. Just no.

I want to help her find an IC and AA meetings.
She needs to do this herself.

She was my best friend and I still love her and want her to be happy.
YOU cannot make her happy, regardless of your feelings for her, she is a broken person who had no regard for your feelings. She doesn't deserve you to be coddling her.

Can I continue to watch out for her as a friend even though we will no longer be together?

NO. Did she watch out for you? Was she concerned about you? No she wasn't.

I worry what she may do in her self-hate spiral.

Stop feeling sorry for her. She deliberately made choices. Now she can deal with it on her own.

Ashland13 posted 11/27/2013 12:17 PM

I am a person who became codependent partly out of the controlling way my X husband was. I do not drink but when X left, no one thought I could make it on my own. I have two small children, one a newborn, and am still going, for what it's worth to share.

Of course I don't know your wife and think it's decent of you to worry about her even after what she did, though I don't know your story. X did a lot for us for a time and is slowly pulling away more, both with chores and finances, so it's more adjustment to make. For him, it's been eons and he is in a hurry to make a complete break-he does not live here but comes very rarely to collect DD to visit-those times he may do a chore if he feels like it.

I wrote this to try to give a little idea of one codependent spouse's thinking. Now we are to the point where in some ways, I hope he won't do anything. Some of his "help" is to try to get rid of his guilt from leaving and his affair. That's one reason I don't want him to do anything.

I'm on the fence about your still helping her and not helping her after you were hurt by her. The little attachment I had left was a maternal sort of feeling for X but that's gone now, too.

Daily I get stronger and I don't ask for help unless I positively have to, for I have a new life to build and new ways that I want to be viewed by the world.

Again the drinking is another factor and I kind of wonder about the post that speaks of her not wanting anyone to watch her. If you do separate, though, I think you have more decisions to make because helping a person after the fact has what I call "cause and effect" actions. Like, if you do one thing, she may ask for more and more and so on and you could be stuck and not able to get out even though you physically separated.

One last thing and I don't know, but I would wonder if she would want to be left alone if she feels suffocated? I have several alcoholic relatives who's spouses have spoken of this and they have resentment at feelings of being watched-it's what they're doing, the sneaking, that makes them feel that way, one IC said.

Apologies for my lengthy note.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 12:19 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

NewMom0220 posted 11/27/2013 13:25 PM

Emotionalman,

I think a lot of us have been through this stage. You know you have to let go but you haven't really let go.

If you haven't read CoDependent No More...buy it ASAP and read it stat.

Another one that helped me was Getting Them Sober and Getting Them Sober 4. Although the title suggests that it's focus is on your Alcoholic, it's actually on you and focuses heavily on detachment.

Ultimately what helped me detach was No Contact and seeing that my WH didn't care about me at all. Not even a smidgen of how much I cared about him, his well being, his mental health, and his future. Alcoholics and narcissists are pros at making you feel sorry for them and manipulating your emotions while tap dancing on your heart. Don't stay sucked in. Detach and go no contact no because you will have to do it eventually when you see what an emotional vampire she really is.

Take the focus off of her and put it on you. Those books are a good start.

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