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How to confront him

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Rainyday2 posted 11/27/2013 09:12 AM

Hi please help me!
My partner and i have been having some difficulties for a while and we decided that a trial separation would be best. We both sat down and agreed it was just space we needed, neither of us wanted anyone else etc etc. For a long time (along time before we had any of our discussions) he's been texting and going to the gym with (even though he says there are other people there aswell) a girl who he's met. They have alot in common and i struggle with this. Not wanting to seem insanely jealous i have tried to say, lets all go out, if there's nothing to hide and she's just a friend let me meet her. He's always managed to turn it back onto me. He's never taken into consideration how ive said ive felt and ive always felt he's got more time for her than me etc etc. So more and more recently this suspicion has been driving me insane, today by chance i guessed his facebook password and got in. I have now read an email thread with him admitting he's slept with this girl (even putting her down for not being very good) to a couple of his new friends. He has no reason to lie and i now know that all the times i asked him if there were feelings there or if anything had happened, he completely denied it. Obviously the sexual side of things bothers me massively, it goes against everything we agreed, but what bothers me more is that he has repeatedly lied to my face. How can i ever trust what he says again? So i know want to confront him , only i have to admit i went onto his facebook to find it all out.

Any ideas on what i should do and how i should do it. I need to talk to him tonight, im going to explode!

Thank you for your help xxx

betrayedme2 posted 11/27/2013 09:46 AM

Rainyday, sorry you had to find out, but at least now your know and aren't guessing and playing mind games. It doesn't help how I'm sure you're feeling, but at least you know.

First, I take it you're not married as you referred to him as your partner. Also not sure how long you've been together. If you're not married, you really need to ask yourself "Is this the person I want to be with". If he broke your trust, confidence, lied to you, deep down, you know. Let me ask another way. If you had a friend in a similar circumstance, or maybe even a daughter, what advice would you give? Personally, and it is a simple persons opinion, I'd be giving him a lot more than a "little" space. I mean a lot, like, "I deserve better than this" kind of space.

As far as confronting him. Perhaps start out by saying how much the relationship and he means (or meant) you know it wasn't "right", but was compelled to. You had suspicions, he knew you had suspicions... You checked and your suspicions were confirmed. If he denies, call him out on it. If he wants to keep the relationship alive with you, be prepared for his "rationalization" of his cheating. You were distant, cold, he didn't feel loved, she came on to him, he was weak, it wasn't his fault, it was your fault... the list could go on and on. Then, YOU HAVE to be prepared with what YOU, YOU, YOU want and expect. If you and he want the relationship to continue, YOU set the demands.

You'll receive a lot better advice that what I can give from others here. Much wiser than I. However, I do have two daughters. One young adult, the other late high school. If either of them were in a similar situation, I would so try to convince them that there are other men, better men, who worship their partner and would NEVER do anything to hurt them, emotionally or otherwise. They deserve better, as you do.

I know it's hard when you love someone. Please take time to thing what you want for yourself and make that happen-whether it's with this person or not. Best wishes!

KatieG posted 11/27/2013 10:08 AM

So sorry you are going through this. I don't think you need to reveal your source, you can say to him that you know 100% that x happened with y and you can't be in a relationship with him if he thinks that's OK.

Then you wait to see how he responds. Either he will realise you mean business and confess which would be the most positive thing, or he will deny and get defensive in which case he is not ready to be with you.

Stay strong, this is going to be a really difficult conversation.

Rainyday2 posted 11/27/2013 10:41 AM

Thank you for your comments. I think im going to do the whole "I know 100%" and not reveal my source. I've been with him for 6 years, due to be married soon and have a 3 1/2 year old. I'm utterly devastated. The most recent email on facebook said he was going to (in the words of his very manly friend) "Dump her dude", his response was "I'm on it!". We had decided that we were going to live separately and start from scratch as much as we can, go on dates etc and we havent cancelled any wedding plans, we both still have hope. As stupid as it may sound, im still willing to work through this, i just want some honesty from him. This isnt the person i thought he was. How can things ever be right, i want him in my life, i do not want to be without him. Im going to first of all give him a chance to admit it to be again before i tell him i know. If he lies blatantly to my face again then I'll have to come clean.

This isnt how i wantd to spend my lead up to Christmas

ArkLaMiss posted 11/27/2013 12:11 PM

Honey, DON'T even consider marrying this guy! He is not what you need in a husband. He is a liar, a manipulator and a cheater. Confront him and do it now! IF he does the work, allow him to prove himself to be worthy of YOU, not the other way around.
You do NOT deserve this treatment by someone like him. He has issues. Make him fix himself FIRST!

still2suspicious posted 11/27/2013 14:55 PM

If he lies blatantly to my face again then I'll have to come clean.

NO sweetie, YOU do not have to come clean. He does.

What you will need to do is, prior to confronting, come up with YOUR requirements for R. Know what YOU will accept from today forward.

All you have to keep repeating is "I KNOW" to all of his gas-lighting, blame-shifting shit. YOU do not have to explain anything. YOU KNOW.

Please think of postponing your wedding. Now is not the time to hitch your wagon up to a lying POS.

IF, and that's a big if, HE does the work then you can always set a new date.

My H cheated on me when we were teenagers. I wish I had never taken him back! In looking back over the last 40 yrs I now see clearly he has always had poor boundaries, and since I couldn't have imagined my life without him, he got away with a lot more shit than I should have had to eat! How stupid was/am I??? Of course we can make it without them!! We just need to dig down deep within ourselves sometimes.

This is mind-blowing for all of us. But SI has a closet full of women's bitch boots, (not sure what the men have ). We can fit you for your pair any time you're ready!

Sending strength. We are here for you any time.


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