I would love to hear from anyone who had or was a wayward husband who has perspective on this question:
How can a wayward who is already an emotional mess find the courage and strength to do the difficult work of reconciliation on top of fixing the problems that caused the wayward behavior in the first place?
My WH is dealing with both a serious history of trauma (Dicken's novel childhood + other adult adverse events + a likely anxiety disorder) as well as the fear and shame and anxiety inherent in facing what he has done (and is doing to me).
13 months out, yesterday I found out he was still texting with someone he promised to go NC with - twice. This was not his 1 year long AP, and I think it was just texting, but he still lied and didn't keep him promises. It is just clear that he is still a complete emotional disaster. And he is having a renewed breakdown.
He is begging me to stay, begging me to help him. Promising to seek psychiatric help for what is probably an anxiety disorder. (He is already in IC but it is talk therapy only). Vowing to stop drinking. Writing a real NC letter. Look for a 12 step program (etc. etc.)
He is begging me for help and support, and describes going in and out of despair this year as the damage he has done to me sinks in, ... making him feel quite hopeless about fixing all this.
If anyone has had a severely damaged WH who managed to heal himself enough to become capable of being a good partner and survive reconcilation, I would love to hear about it.
Its easy to say he is going to change and all the other stuff, but is it likely to happen? Did he promise you the SAME thing the last time? And yet here you are, another discovery.
Being screwed up (FOO, anxiety, etc) is not an excuse. He knew what he was doing was wrong. That was why he hid it! He did it because he didn't think he'd get caught and he felt entitled.
I'd make sure to see some change in him - not just talk - before I made an further commitments to him.
He should be supporting you and helping you through this time. He screwed up. He hurt you. He took a sledgehammer to your trust and your marriage. He knew he was doing it and he still did it.
He is treated me very well on a day to day basis, which is a big change after years of crankiness. That is the biggest change.
The question is - he barely seems able to take care of himself emotionally right now, much less help me heal.
So what happens to these guys who are such a mess?
He is begging me to stay, begging me to help him.
YOU cannot help him. He has to make the changes himself (or with the help of a professional). YOU are not responsible for his behavior. YOU are not to blame for his behavior.
If I could do it all again, I would boot him out the door until he showed REAL change. Oh- and I tried the "roommate" style marriage for the last couple of years. It is its own type of hell, but by then I had an exit plan (finish my degree, etc) and stuck it out.
Given the fact that he is a repeat offender, do you really think he's going to change? You are worth so more than what he is giving you.
WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs. XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).
I edit often for clarity/typos.
he barely seems able to take care of himself emotionally right now, much less help me heal. So what happens to these guys who are such a mess?
As for what happens to these guys who are such as mess? If they are truly remorseful, seek help, and do the work to change their behaviors, they can go on to have healthy relationships. Or they can be like my XWH who refuse to TRULY look at themselves, never fix their issues, and go from relationship to relationship, repeating the same F'ed up patterns time and again.
