Just posted this in reconciliation, but maybe it belongs here (too).
I would love to hear from anyone who had or was a wayward husband who has perspective on this question:
How can a wayward who is already an emotional mess find the courage and strength to do the difficult work of reconciliation on top of fixing the problems that caused the wayward behavior in the first place?
My WH is dealing with both a serious history of trauma (Dicken's novel childhood + other adult adverse events + a likely anxiety disorder) as well as the fear and shame and anxiety inherent in facing what he has done (and is doing to me).
13 months out, yesterday I found out he was still texting with someone he promised to go NC with - twice. This was not his 1 year long AP, and I think it was just texting, but he still lied and didn't keep him promises. It is just clear that he is still a complete emotional disaster. And he is having a renewed breakdown.
He is begging me to stay, begging me to help him. Promising to seek psychiatric help for what is probably an anxiety disorder. (He is already in IC but it is talk therapy only). Vowing to stop drinking. Writing a real NC letter. Look for a 12 step program (etc. etc.)
He is begging me for help and support, and describes going in and out of despair this year as the damage he has done to me sinks in, ... making him feel quite hopeless about fixing all this.
If anyone has had a severely damaged WH who managed to heal himself enough to become capable of being a good partner and survive reconcilation, I would love to hear about it.