This is my first post here. I have shifted from all forums to ones that are marriage positive.
Today marks three months since my wife’s full disclosure, which unfortunately is corresponding with a short run of not so good mental days, but I thought I would take this opportunity to provide an update and look for some perspective and advice.
I will try to keep this as short as possible. I will add details of trickle truth as it comes up.
In a nutshell I am in a much much better place than I was three months ago. My marriage failing isn't really too much of a question, the question seems to be when will it be fully healed (will it be fully healed - this is one of the things I am needing help with).
Part of me feels that I should be ‘happy’ given the circumstances - especially compared to what some of you have gone or are going through. Here are a few reasons:
- My wife's affair was really short lived. I caught on rather quickly and as a result no emotional bond seemed to develop between her and him.
- She broke things off with him immediately
- Through a series of events he sent her an email (they worked together) stating that she is to stop contacting him otherwise he will be forced to seek action from head office (this is prompted by her requesting a letter from him)
- He texted me and apologized for his actions and hopes that my wife and I can see it through this
- My wife is fully committed to me and the family (she left her job, has taken on role of full time mom, etc)
- We are able to have sex
- In the end I have everything I would want - my wife (repentant), my kids, and my family together.
- for the most part I am doing a decent job overcoming my mind movies.
- What seems to be the major factor holding me back is where they had sex. It took place in a vehicle (not shocked by that), in a grocery store parking lot in the middle of the day. Perhaps this isn’t disturbing for some but it is for me. We are talking about two educators in a parking lot!! Beyond that it just isn’t my wife. Which brings me to things we have learned and are dealing with (see below)
This episode has forced my wife to confront the fact that she has been dealing with depression for the better part of three years. I was oblivious to it mainly due to paying too much attention to our two young children. Nevertheless the process was so slow that I would have never noticed. Friends and family are finally speaking up - saying that they had noticed a change months ago - I wish they had said something sooner.
My wife has talked about being in the “fog” of the affair but has also explained that for the last few years she has felt very much the same way. To be honest it makes me sad because she was disconnected from our two kids until recently (something that I was observing for the entire time they have been alive - they just turned 2 a couple weeks ago). She is much more connected now.
Her doctor put her on meds in August - little change. He increased the dose in September and I started to notice a change in October. Noticing things that I didn’t realize were gone - my old wife was back in some ways.
So this forced me to take a look at what has been going on that may have caused this. Here is a quick run-down.
- We had trouble having kids, which lead to my wife learning that her tubes were blocked, which lead to a failed IVF cycle, followed by a successful IVF cycle.
- The IVF treatments brought with it financial strain
- Having twins brought additional financial strain and emotional - my wife wasn’t connecting with them and we had little support from family.
- We are now quite certain that she suffered from postpartum
- Financial situation forced her back to work sooner than expected - increasing her inability to connect with our kids
- She doesn’t have a relationship with her father - and in May had a situation where he hurt her emotionally (too long to get in to + it is worth pointing out that the other man was old enough to be her father)
I'm not saying that depression grants her immunity, but I am trying to use it as an explanation. At times it helps.
Anyway I am sure that I could go on and on, but I won’t.
In a nutshell my wife seems to be getting better mentally, my family is intact, three months from full disclosure I can kiss, hug and make love to my wife. There has been zero attempt of contact from either party.
But I still walk around with a cloud over my head. I still can’t seem to get over where it happened. I am having trouble dealing with how she could do this with our kids being so young and having tried so hard to have them.
Should I be more grateful?