Today marks three months since my wife’s full disclosure, which unfortunately is corresponding with a short run of not so good mental days, but I thought I would take this opportunity to provide an update and look for some perspective and advice.
I will try to keep this as short as possible. I will add details of trickle truth as it comes up.
In a nutshell I am in a much much better place than I was three months ago. My marriage failing isn't really too much of a question, the question seems to be when will it be fully healed (will it be fully healed - this is one of the things I am needing help with).
Part of me feels that I should be ‘happy’ given the circumstances - especially compared to what some of you have gone or are going through. Here are a few reasons:
- My wife's affair was really short lived. I caught on rather quickly and as a result no emotional bond seemed to develop between her and him.
- She broke things off with him immediately
- Through a series of events he sent her an email (they worked together) stating that she is to stop contacting him otherwise he will be forced to seek action from head office (this is prompted by her requesting a letter from him)
- He texted me and apologized for his actions and hopes that my wife and I can see it through this
- My wife is fully committed to me and the family (she left her job, has taken on role of full time mom, etc)
- We are able to have sex
- In the end I have everything I would want - my wife (repentant), my kids, and my family together.
The bad:
- for the most part I am doing a decent job overcoming my mind movies.
- What seems to be the major factor holding me back is where they had sex. It took place in a vehicle (not shocked by that), in a grocery store parking lot in the middle of the day. Perhaps this isn’t disturbing for some but it is for me. We are talking about two educators in a parking lot!! Beyond that it just isn’t my wife. Which brings me to things we have learned and are dealing with (see below)
This episode has forced my wife to confront the fact that she has been dealing with depression for the better part of three years. I was oblivious to it mainly due to paying too much attention to our two young children. Nevertheless the process was so slow that I would have never noticed. Friends and family are finally speaking up - saying that they had noticed a change months ago - I wish they had said something sooner.
My wife has talked about being in the “fog” of the affair but has also explained that for the last few years she has felt very much the same way. To be honest it makes me sad because she was disconnected from our two kids until recently (something that I was observing for the entire time they have been alive - they just turned 2 a couple weeks ago). She is much more connected now.
Her doctor put her on meds in August - little change. He increased the dose in September and I started to notice a change in October. Noticing things that I didn’t realize were gone - my old wife was back in some ways.
So this forced me to take a look at what has been going on that may have caused this. Here is a quick run-down.
- We had trouble having kids, which lead to my wife learning that her tubes were blocked, which lead to a failed IVF cycle, followed by a successful IVF cycle.
- The IVF treatments brought with it financial strain
- Having twins brought additional financial strain and emotional - my wife wasn’t connecting with them and we had little support from family.
- We are now quite certain that she suffered from postpartum
- Financial situation forced her back to work sooner than expected - increasing her inability to connect with our kids
- She doesn’t have a relationship with her father - and in May had a situation where he hurt her emotionally (too long to get in to + it is worth pointing out that the other man was old enough to be her father)
I'm not saying that depression grants her immunity, but I am trying to use it as an explanation. At times it helps.
Anyway I am sure that I could go on and on, but I won’t.
In a nutshell my wife seems to be getting better mentally, my family is intact, three months from full disclosure I can kiss, hug and make love to my wife. There has been zero attempt of contact from either party.
But I still walk around with a cloud over my head. I still can’t seem to get over where it happened. I am having trouble dealing with how she could do this with our kids being so young and having tried so hard to have them.
Should I be more grateful?
Thanks.
Welcome.
Should you feel more grateful? Hmmm. Nope, I don't think so.
You are 3 months out. Your feelings will range from sadness, anger, rage, sadness, rage, anger, little spark of happiness, smidge of grateful here and there for the chance to R, but just plain old grateful, nah.
Really you have suffered a trauma. It takes years to fully recover and reconcile (if you continue to do so). How you feel is personal to you, your journey and is NEVER wrong.
Your wife is seeing a doc, which is good, She needs to deal with the reasons that allowed her to cheat and set boundaries in place so it never happens again.
She has a lot of work to do. With you, herself and apparently her children too. Being disconnected is often a symptom of waywardness. They look for connections where they are otherwise lacking. It's inside of them...not us.
Her affair is hers to own. You didn't cause it, couldn't control it and is now hers to start to mend what she broke.
Feel your feelings, sit with them and know you are completely normal (that's a lie we tell newbies, we are ALL crazy ).
Really, go easy on yourself. Love your kids and I would try to find an IC that deals with infidelity.
Check out the healing library if you haven't already and know we are all here to help support you throuogh this.
Kinda quiet with the holiday weekend coming up, but always someone here.
Take care of you.
(((hugs)))
my wife seems to be getting better mentally, my family is intact, three months from full disclosure I can kiss, hug and make love to my wife. There has been zero attempt of contact from either party.
Those are things to be grateful for, but please don't accept that those things alone will heal your M, and don't allow your W to take your gratefulness to mean she has little to no more work to do in order to figure out and own her own healing. As you said, depression is a factor, but not a reason for her affairs.
Don't let the good blind you to the ugly that still needs to be dealt with. Gratefulness, when in proportion, is a good thing. Gratefulness when seen through blinders, blocking otu everthing else ... not so much.
Is your wife in counseling? Is she taking responsibility for her recovery? You may need to check out the thread in JFO re "co-dependency, a BS's failing" (or something like that). Sounds like you're taking a lot of responsibility for this and that she may be taking a victim role -- it's not clear from your post.
Good luck
Hang in there.
I should have stated in my opening that we are both see a counsellor - together and individually. Slowed down the past few weeks because of benefits expiring and things calming down somewhat.
My wife has taken things a step further and is seeing a psychiatrist next week. Which I have to say makes me sad to see my wife in such a state. She has always prided herself in being a 'strong' individual, something that I think she started to lose when she realized that she couldn't have kids naturally.
Karma: thanks for the suggestion to read that post - I did. For the most part it doesn't fully apply to the situation. My wife has taken ownership over what she has done / although she is still struggling with how she allowed this to happen.
I feel like I may have given the impression that my wife is trying to dodge what she did, she isn't. I know she is struggling with her choices everyday - I do wish that she would let me hear her struggles a bit more - but I am not going to push too hard.
Part of the reason I am in a 'hurry' to get well is because of my kids. I don't want to look back at their third year of life with a shadow over their faces because of the cloud that my wife has currently put over my head.
I guess another observation has to be that, at times (not often), things feel normal - almost as if nothing has happened. It isn't until I remind myself of what has happened that I revert back to my negative state.
Again thanks for the help. I feel like I am at the edge of the forest and just need to find the short path to the open field. Looking for direction.
We are all looking for that "magical short path" to the open field" ie; Recovery.
It doesn't exist. We have all been dealt a life (soul) threatening trauma. We have had a part of ourselves die within us. We are grieving. And grieving involves a very long roller coaster cycle of ups and downs and emotions.
One day you will feel all is well. Then it can happen within a few seconds or maybe it will last til the next day, BAM, you are right back at square one. Unfortunately, this is the pattern and we have all had to deal with it and it sucks big time!!!!
Now, your path may be shorter than mine because you have a very remorseful spouse who is doing the work to recover, whereas, my WH just refuses to accept responsibility, remorse or anything to do with recovery. I'm not even on the path, yet. Lucky for you, you are on the path but there will be many detours, U-turns and bumps along the way.
Is there a way to the clearing. Yes, there is. Will it be the same clearing as before? No, it won't. But with time, hard work from both of you (mainly, your wife), patience and acceptance, you will both heal and reach the clearing. It will never be the old "normal clearing ", whatever that was but it will be the new "normal" and can (I've heard) be even more happy, fulfilling and joyous than before.
But try to accept that it takes time. Lots and lots of time. And tears. And heartache, sorrow and pain. And hard work. Intermingled with the happiness and joy you will have at times.
Just a note, not to excuse your wife's choices, but I suffered severely from Post Partum depression with all 4 of my children and so has my daughter. It kicks butt and wanting to disconnect and curl up and die were my ways of coping. Found out later that WH was actively in an affair at this time, so that probably didn't help, either. Am so glad your wife is on meds for it. That, along with counseling, will really help.
Take care of yourself. Feel your feelings, keep doing what you are doing and, with time, it will get better.
BS(me) 59...STBXSAWH 59 Married 40 yrs/4 grown children, 5 grandchildren DD's-1st on 10/75, now too many too count.
I realize that it is going to just take time as long as the work is there on both of our parts. Impatience is a big problem for me.
This morning my patience failed me - causing me to ask her a question about the A - which in the end didn't really help me at all. I only succeeded in making her angry (still trying to figure out if it is at me or herself - not sure if she really has a right to be angry with me, but that is another story).
Thanks for you input on the depression as well. Looking back on my wife over the last year+ I can see now that she was slipping away from the family. I wish I had noticed then. As I stated in my original post - depression / postpartum or otherwise may not be an excuse, but it might help me understand part of her mental process.
Thanks again.
