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Doing just enough...ain't enough

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SuperDuperWonderboy posted 11/27/2013 13:31 PM

Well. I guess I am going to be moving forums. Told my wife that I want a divorce last night. Didn't do it out of anger or resentment. I did it because after nearly 2 years, I simply don't love her or respect her anymore.

When I first came her two years ago, I was determined that I was going to fix this mess. I believed that I could save it. Hell, I have spent nearly two years clinging to the belief that I could fix it.

The problem was that I had a "just enough" wayward. Even after broken NC, continued lies, and TT, I believed that I could get through it, because she appeared remorseful. But she had "just enough" remorse---which really isn't remorse at all.

Her responses were always just enough to give me hope, to keep me fighting. But they were not enough to save the marriage, they were only enough to keep it barely breathing for two more years.

I can say now, that two years later, I am not acting rash, I am not acting out of anger. I am seeing my wife for who she is. She's a good mother (except for the fact that destroyed her kid's family--and except for the fact that she never fought to save her family). But she is weak, oh so weak.

Even if she had fought, her betrayal may have still been a deal-breaker. But I'll never now, because I never got the fight. I don't think it would have been a deal breaker. But who knows.
I could only settle for "just enough" for two years. Now I am done.

Not sure what purpose this post serves. But for many of us slogging through this mess, we see small efforts from our waywards and we cling to the hope that this is the start of real change. Small efforts and doing the minimum was enough to keep the hope alive in me for two years. But it wasn't enough to save the marriage. Instead it wasted two years of my life. Meh.

Rebreather posted 11/27/2013 13:36 PM

It's not wasted effort. You did what you felt was right and go forward knowing that.

I'm sorry to see this. I'm sorry she couldn't find a way to fix what needs fixing.

It somewhat illustrates the point that the wayward really dictates recovery. The BS can just through 47 different hoops, but in the end, if the wayward doesn't have it in them, it won't work.

I think if anything, you should be proud to know you are going to let it suck more time out of you.

Sal1995 posted 11/27/2013 13:39 PM

You kept your children's home intact for two more years. You kept yourself around them full time for two more years. You can always take pride in that.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 11/27/2013 13:47 PM

That's kind of the double edged sword of trying to reconcile for two years. Of course my wife feels like she's done everything she was capable of to fix the marriage (it is possible that this minimal effort was, in fact, all she was capable of). So now it is my fault for choosing to divorce.

The feeling that somehow I am the bad guy here is in my consciousness. I know that ultimately it her actions that killed the marriage, but I still retain some guilt over my decision. And that is the worst part.

nowiknow23 posted 11/27/2013 13:53 PM

There was a poster here some time ago who had a tagline reading something like this -

An affair kills the marriage. The divorce is just the funeral.

Anyone who has divorced with kids understands that guilt you're describing. Just please do yourself a favor and look very closely at whether that guilt is really yours to carry.

Sending you strength.

SandAway posted 11/27/2013 14:02 PM

I agree that it wasn't a wasted effort. When you look in the mirror, you will know that you did everything you could do.

Did you have a big 'Ah-ha' moment? Because 2 months ago, you wrote " Definitely reconciled. Happiness is back. Life is good."

unfound posted 11/27/2013 14:02 PM

So sorry wonderboy.

There's nothing to feel guilty about...based on what you've posted now and in the past, I believe you'll work through that feeling. You've made a decision, a healthy decision without malice and with plenty of time behind you. I know it wasn't an easy one.... It's okay. It will be okay.

((wonderboy))

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 11/27/2013 14:07 PM

Did you have a big 'Ah-ha' moment? Because 2 months ago, you wrote " Definitely reconciled. Happiness is back. Life is good."

Not so much of a big aha moment. Just the realization that I couldn't fool myself into believing that it was going to be o.k. The scraps of effort weren't enough. I finally realized that I couldn't ask her to work on fixing herself again. I guess, the realization that after two years...she hadn't done a darn thing that I hadn't forced her to.

Aubrie posted 11/27/2013 14:11 PM

Of course my wife feels like she's done everything she was capable of to fix the marriage (it is possible that this minimal effort was, in fact, all she was capable of). So now it is my fault for choosing to divorce.
How did I know she would take that angle... So predictable.

I'm so sorry WB.

Skan posted 11/27/2013 14:42 PM

Hey. An A is a deal-breaker. Period. Affairs kill the marriage. There isn't really, IMO, a marriage left, just a legal-sorta partnership that may or may not continue. That's just, again IMO, the facts. You're left standing in a blasted field full of rubble and smoke.

It's impossible for one person to clear the field of the rubble. Impossible. Quite often it takes the concentrated efforts of more than one person, both partners, and the subcontractors: IC, MC, etc. But the partners HAVE to BOTH do the work, or you're still left with a blasted field.

I told my FWH that we either worked on and had a marriage that was far, far better, or we would not be married. I'm never again going to settle for "good enough." We either grow every day, or we become I and that stranger who I once used to know. There's no reason to rebuild a hut on ground that has been completely cleared. You should use the opportunity to build a mansion.

I commend you for not settling. Just enough not enough. I'm so sorry that its come to this. The new building could have been glorious.

DixieD posted 11/27/2013 14:51 PM

SDWonderboy, I'm really sorry to hear this.

It's important at some point for a BS to step back and see what the WS is doing on their own, without any prodding.

Take care of yourself and the little Wonders too.

still2suspicious posted 11/27/2013 15:46 PM

SDWB

I am so sorry it has come down to this. BUT I know the feeling. Although I cannot, yet, actually tell H it's over, in my heart it is. I am just pretending, and it's exhausting.

YOU did so much to get here, today. So please know that it was not in vain, that the process was YOUR process.

It gave it your all, and your kids are so much better off having you as their Dad.

Sending you hugs (((SDWB))) and strength.

Sending you a PM.

tushnurse posted 11/27/2013 16:00 PM

(((SDWonderboy)))

Know that you didn't waste time, you did what you needed to to get to where you are today. For some of us that happens immediately for others it takes time, and others it takes a very long time.

You will be able to hold your head high, and know that you did all you could, and that your spouse was too weak and broken to do what she needed to to save it. I just wish you a peaceful path to your new start, and that your wife is fair, and just when it comes to your D.

((((and strength))))

gonnabe2016 posted 11/27/2013 16:06 PM

I had to check the date on your post to be sure that it wasn't April Fool's Day. Nope....Nov 27.

I'm surprised and kinda shocked by your news....
And I'm also very sorry.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 11/27/2013 16:06 PM

Thanks for the support gang.
Gotta go start bird number 1 for Thanksgiving (the leftovers bird) Might even have to have a glass of wine. Heck, I might even have two. Peace to all of you today.

Gonna, we cross-posted. Nope, not april fools. Just tired. Wasn't strong enough to do it on my own. Meh.

Where's the wine?

[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 4:07 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

Jrazz posted 11/27/2013 16:07 PM

You have our support, SDW.

I have the exact same feelings/thoughts swirling around in my head 90% of the day. I stay because DD is 3.5 and I still haven't figured out which path I choose would screw her up the least. I don't consider this wait period a waste, though. It's well worth it to try if you have any inclination. It's also ok to call it when it feels like it's time.

Our first MC put it very neatly - you are not obliged to stay just because they are working on it.

Keep us posted. (((SDW)))

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 11/27/2013 16:14 PM

Thanks Jrazz.

Ugggg, went into the kitchen to start on the bird. Was gonna at least try to be cordial, sure as crap she is in the kitchen with the radio on. And yup, it's one of her and his songs. Good times.

I am gonna burn the shit out of this bird.

Where was that wine again?

Tred posted 11/27/2013 16:27 PM

I am gonna burn the shit out of this bird.

You brined it right? Then heat the oven to 400. Melt 4 tbsps of butter - baste the breast. Line a V shaped rack with foil, and puncture it about 20 times per side. Put the bird on the rack breast side down and baste the back. Cook for 45 minutes. Flip the bird breast side up, cook for 50-60 minutes. Put on a carving rack to cool for 30 minutes before carving. So easy a SDWB can do it

ETA: It's done when the internal temp is 165 at the breast and 175 on the thigh(check on this). And use half the butter on the breast, half on the back. If the bird is larger than 18 pounds, let me know as it is cooked differently.

If you haven't brined it, your on your own.

[This message edited by Tred at 4:31 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 11/27/2013 16:41 PM

Tred..tred tred.

Of course I have brined it. I have been cooking turkey dinner for 15 years. Plus we do a mid-summer turkey. I know what's what.

I actually cook two turkeys. One the night before for leftovers, and then a second one on Thanksgiving. (that way I don't have to cook a huge bird, I did a 24 pounder once, and I felt it was not as moist as it should be...cook time is too long).

MMMMMM ginger/maple syrup glaze with a reisling gravy. Delightful.

And I will add just a hint of wonderboy bitterness.

painfulpast posted 11/27/2013 16:54 PM

So now it is my fault for choosing to divorce.

LMFAO - sure it is. You did all you could do, and you did it with a WS that never 'got it'. You stayed longer than most. Broken NC? My H knows he won't even get a conversation from me if that happens. He knows that he'll see me packing and if he asks why I'll hand him a printout of whatever I found and that he and I will be done, forever. That alone is enough reason to stop R. Still, you tried. She is doing what all cheaters do, and if she isn't remorseful then yes, she still has a cheater's mind - she is blameshifting. It isn't because SHE cheated, or because SHE didn't try enough, or that SHE isn't remorseful. No, it's because of you.

Your reaction is perfectly normal and acceptable. Hers? Well she has to live with hers now, not you.

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