The story is that it started a few months back. But she ended it 1.5 months ago because he is "married with children". She is separated with teenagers. He said he was sad that it ended but that that's the way it went.
He told me it was over by the time I found the photos. I asked him why he kept them? Didn't really know why.
I have his email passwords and check his phone regularly. He checks in from work and we are seeing a MC 1x a week though only 2 sessions in.
I see his sadness and anger that he did this. I have seen his tears but after reading about emotional affairs I am terrified to trust again.
I spoke to a friend of mine ( who cheated on her husband years ago) and found her way back to him.
She said any relationship that was/is enjoyable is hard to give up. But that if he is genuine, it is possible. She did and is back to a happily ( though altered) marriage.
My questions to all of you....though it is a full disclosure and a NC rule in my house, he still works in the same bldg as her. Though paths do not cross often, they do. He has sent her an email ( with me present and asked me to ok it) telling her what they did was wrong and that it will not continue. Any contact will be work only and business like.
What can I take away with this? I am soooooo confused right now and emotions are from 0-100 on a daily basis.
I'm not certain what you're asking to be honest, but we are here for you.
On thing you'll hear, and I would be very wary of this myself, is that if they see each other in person, the odds are this was NOT only emotional. There most likely was a physical component to it. Maybe not sex, but something. If they were discussing having sex for a few months, and were just down the hall from one another, what are the odds it stayed on the phone and email only? Not very good, to be honest.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You'll get through it. You've come to the right place. This site has so many caring, experienced people to help.
My H confessed an EA to me. A year later, after the OW became pregnant, I got the whole truth. There hadn't been sex, but there had been sexual activity. He ended it - she continued to pursue him. Because he told me about the EA, I was devastated with that information alone. I think there came a point for him where he figured that if he was going to pay for it anyway, he might as well have gone through with it. When the opportunity presented itself, he took it. That's on him - I can't think what I could have done differently, except to not take everything he said at face value. I should have been suspicious, where I was forcing myself to be trusting.
An EA is just as devastating as a PA - the violation of the relationship is the same. The fact that 'she ended it', and not him, has to hurt like hell for you. You need to take very good care of yourself. Trust yourself.
You will find lots and lots of people here who's spouses told them it was only an EA, only to discover later that it was PA and went on longer than they knew. I'm not saying that's you - but it's just so, so typical. I'm so very sorry. I'm glad you found this place.
I am asking how do I move forward? I have to learn to trust myself in addition to trusting him again. I want to believe that he can do this. I told him that EAs are very hard to break. He said " what if I am one that can do it? I will tell you I am".
How do you move forward? One day at a time. Do not dismiss your own feelings. Do not try to make it easier for him. Do not give him back your trust before he has earned it. That's from my own experience - take it for what it's worth.
He did tell me "I will not lie to you, we were getting close to that"
Sweetheart, cheaters lie. He lied to you the entire time he was cheating, and he knows he's busted and he feels terrible for hurting you. Why would he confess to more? If they were that close and it was purely emotional, yours will be the very first story like that that I've heard, and I've been at this infidelity thing for 3 years. It would be extremely unlikely. Please, don't assume you are being given the truth. Cheaters lie. They minimize out of shame, embarrassment, they don't want to see the pain they've caused, they just don't respect the betrayed spouse, so they lie.
How do you learn to trust? That takes a very long time. First trusting yourself - you, like the rest of us - believe the lies, believed they were faithful, believed a lot of things that weren't true. So trusting yourself is hard after an A. You need to realize that trusting your spouse SHOULD be what you can do. You should expect that your spouse isn't lying. The easiest person to fool is someone that trusts you completely. It's very easy to cheat and lie and get away with it. You did nothing wrong.
You also said the marriage was on the rocks. I hope you understand that no matter what was happening, his cheating is NOT your fault. He has very poor coping skills, and he chose a very cheap way to give himself a boost. You did not contribute to this, you did not cause this, and you are in NO WAY responsible for his choice to cheat.
Cheating has never solved one problem, ever. He was running from his unhappiness, not dealing with it.
So he says she ended it. Do you know that for certain? Have you checked the phone records and emails?
My H had an EA, and he ended it before I discovered it. I had the proof that it was him that ended it so I knew it was over and had been for several months. I still watch. I always will now. This site is littered with people that have stories of false reconciliation, stories where the cheater just got better at hiding things, stories where the A was still going after years of false R. Please, assume nothing, or if you must assume, assume he is lying. This isn't a slam of him. This is experience talking. Cheaters give tt - trickle truth. This means that the entire story comes out in pieces. This is so so so so so so common. I cannot say your H is still lying. I can say he would be alone in an EA that didn't go PA after a couple of months when OW was in the same building. I can also say that I would estimate about 10% of waywards give the entire truth from the start. The other 90% use some form of TT and continue to hide pieces that they aren't caught at. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just trying to help you see that there very well could be more to this. If so, you'll need to be tested for STDs and such.
For now, please try to sleep and eat. If you can't eat, get some Boost or Ensure drinks for nutrition. Also, stay hydrated. Drink water. Your mind will function better with some calories and some sleep.
You'll survive, as we all have, and one day you'll be very proud of just how strong you really are.
Others have said that you should get tested for std- I will heed their advice if I were you.
Please look after yourself. Hugs and strength to you.
[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 11:49 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]
I asked again last night about "it". He told me the same. I know in my heart of hearts that there would be no opportunity to follow thru with a PA BUT that that is exactly what was going to happen before she ended it. I asked him what if she did, did he think he was going to have 2 of us? He said "maybe".
As I mentioned our marriage was so rocky that we are trying to talk that thru in addition to all this crap.
I am investigating. I have found nothing. Other than the lurid photos.
I told him that I was going to confront her. He got really angry as I had said I would not. I said I may or may not. But she is divorced so already from a broken marraige, why ruin another one.