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Emotional Affair

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BonnieDoon posted 11/27/2013 14:23 PM

Here is my story. I found out by accident ( Husband left open email) that he was cheating with a co-worker. She had sent him ( that I found) over 40 or so photos of herself in various stages of undress. Nothing too graphic but suggestive. I could not see comments from him as they were transfered from his phone to his email or something like that. I flipped.

The story is that it started a few months back. But she ended it 1.5 months ago because he is "married with children". She is separated with teenagers. He said he was sad that it ended but that that's the way it went.

He told me it was over by the time I found the photos. I asked him why he kept them? Didn't really know why.

I have his email passwords and check his phone regularly. He checks in from work and we are seeing a MC 1x a week though only 2 sessions in.

I see his sadness and anger that he did this. I have seen his tears but after reading about emotional affairs I am terrified to trust again.

I spoke to a friend of mine ( who cheated on her husband years ago) and found her way back to him.
She said any relationship that was/is enjoyable is hard to give up. But that if he is genuine, it is possible. She did and is back to a happily ( though altered) marriage.

My questions to all of you....though it is a full disclosure and a NC rule in my house, he still works in the same bldg as her. Though paths do not cross often, they do. He has sent her an email ( with me present and asked me to ok it) telling her what they did was wrong and that it will not continue. Any contact will be work only and business like.

What can I take away with this? I am soooooo confused right now and emotions are from 0-100 on a daily basis.

painfulpast posted 11/27/2013 14:58 PM

I'm sorry. Emotional affairs are brutal. Sometimes the wayward thinks it's not cheating because they didn't touch, but it is, and you (and now your H) know this.

I'm not certain what you're asking to be honest, but we are here for you.

On thing you'll hear, and I would be very wary of this myself, is that if they see each other in person, the odds are this was NOT only emotional. There most likely was a physical component to it. Maybe not sex, but something. If they were discussing having sex for a few months, and were just down the hall from one another, what are the odds it stayed on the phone and email only? Not very good, to be honest.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You'll get through it. You've come to the right place. This site has so many caring, experienced people to help.

plainpain posted 11/27/2013 15:25 PM

I am so very sorry for your pain. I think you need to be very cautious right now, and don't assume that you have all the truth. Pictures of half dressed women are very easy to find - the fact that he kept some of her on his computer means that there is an emotional attachment there. In my experience, men do not emotionally attach to women they have not had a sexual connection with.

My H confessed an EA to me. A year later, after the OW became pregnant, I got the whole truth. There hadn't been sex, but there had been sexual activity. He ended it - she continued to pursue him. Because he told me about the EA, I was devastated with that information alone. I think there came a point for him where he figured that if he was going to pay for it anyway, he might as well have gone through with it. When the opportunity presented itself, he took it. That's on him - I can't think what I could have done differently, except to not take everything he said at face value. I should have been suspicious, where I was forcing myself to be trusting.

An EA is just as devastating as a PA - the violation of the relationship is the same. The fact that 'she ended it', and not him, has to hurt like hell for you. You need to take very good care of yourself. Trust yourself.

You will find lots and lots of people here who's spouses told them it was only an EA, only to discover later that it was PA and went on longer than they knew. I'm not saying that's you - but it's just so, so typical. I'm so very sorry. I'm glad you found this place.


BonnieDoon posted 11/27/2013 15:26 PM

Well I am pretty certain they did not. He did tell me "I will not lie to you, we were getting close to that". You see our marriage was not very good for the past year. I am not taking any blame for his cheating but so you know the facts. He works days and I nights and he has to care for the kids at night. I do think it was all phone and photos but likely would have progressed. Work sex would not be an option. I asked him point blank if ever there was touching, groping, hugs, blowing name it. He said " no".

I am asking how do I move forward? I have to learn to trust myself in addition to trusting him again. I want to believe that he can do this. I told him that EAs are very hard to break. He said " what if I am one that can do it? I will tell you I am".

BonnieDoon posted 11/27/2013 15:29 PM

And I have checked phone records and the activity ( texts) escalated exactly when he said that all this started.

plainpain posted 11/27/2013 15:32 PM

Does he understand the gravity of what he did? Does he comprehend the devastation he has caused to you? Is he willing to do anything and everything to earn back your trust, to allay any fears that you have? Not words - but action. What has he DONE to prove that he understands and is remorseful? That is what you have to look at.

How do you move forward? One day at a time. Do not dismiss your own feelings. Do not try to make it easier for him. Do not give him back your trust before he has earned it. That's from my own experience - take it for what it's worth.

BonnieDoon posted 11/27/2013 15:37 PM

He says he does. We have talked more in the last week than in the last year. He says he is so sorry he has hurt me like this. That I have the saddest eyes he has ever seen.
He says he will do this. NC, and told me of an email he received from her yesterday informing him of overtime error. He told me exactly what she wrote and exactly what he wrote back. Which was "thanks".

Jules1111 posted 11/27/2013 16:02 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through an EA with my husband which he told me was over in Jan. 4 days ago they were busted. Its a full on affair. I'm not trying to scare you, just want to give you a perspective. They had to stop calling an texting (you can see my story on the "Just found out" thread under "I don't know what to do. And I thought they had stopped. Thins were still tense here and he had to see her for sports things for our kids. But I believed him. Because I wanted to believe him SOO bad. But her husband showed up at my house to show me very graphic texts full of i love you's and sex talk. they were using a special APP on the phone to communicate. That way it didnt show up on the phone logs. I am not trying to be negative, but just to inform you. I had no idea such an app existed. I am naive. He also denied denied denied...but one there was undeniable proof, he admitted. This has been hell for 15 months...the EA was from I thought. But the sex started "a few months ago"... so even after all of his denials and my pain..he still chose to do this. Please take steps to protect yourself. I know my story is my story, but like someone above said, please don't assume you have the truth. I'm not saying go crazy digging around and working it up in your mind...but please keep your eyes open. I'm really in no position to give advice right now, so please feel free to ignore everything I have said. But our stories are similar. He still "had" to see her for soccer things (he is the president of the youth organization and se is the registrar, he also coaches my son and her son..and she is the team mom...) I hope I am wrong and your spouse is different. Prayers for you.

painfulpast posted 11/27/2013 16:21 PM

He did tell me "I will not lie to you, we were getting close to that"

Sweetheart, cheaters lie. He lied to you the entire time he was cheating, and he knows he's busted and he feels terrible for hurting you. Why would he confess to more? If they were that close and it was purely emotional, yours will be the very first story like that that I've heard, and I've been at this infidelity thing for 3 years. It would be extremely unlikely. Please, don't assume you are being given the truth. Cheaters lie. They minimize out of shame, embarrassment, they don't want to see the pain they've caused, they just don't respect the betrayed spouse, so they lie.

How do you learn to trust? That takes a very long time. First trusting yourself - you, like the rest of us - believe the lies, believed they were faithful, believed a lot of things that weren't true. So trusting yourself is hard after an A. You need to realize that trusting your spouse SHOULD be what you can do. You should expect that your spouse isn't lying. The easiest person to fool is someone that trusts you completely. It's very easy to cheat and lie and get away with it. You did nothing wrong.

You also said the marriage was on the rocks. I hope you understand that no matter what was happening, his cheating is NOT your fault. He has very poor coping skills, and he chose a very cheap way to give himself a boost. You did not contribute to this, you did not cause this, and you are in NO WAY responsible for his choice to cheat.

Cheating has never solved one problem, ever. He was running from his unhappiness, not dealing with it.

So he says she ended it. Do you know that for certain? Have you checked the phone records and emails?

My H had an EA, and he ended it before I discovered it. I had the proof that it was him that ended it so I knew it was over and had been for several months. I still watch. I always will now. This site is littered with people that have stories of false reconciliation, stories where the cheater just got better at hiding things, stories where the A was still going after years of false R. Please, assume nothing, or if you must assume, assume he is lying. This isn't a slam of him. This is experience talking. Cheaters give tt - trickle truth. This means that the entire story comes out in pieces. This is so so so so so so common. I cannot say your H is still lying. I can say he would be alone in an EA that didn't go PA after a couple of months when OW was in the same building. I can also say that I would estimate about 10% of waywards give the entire truth from the start. The other 90% use some form of TT and continue to hide pieces that they aren't caught at. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm just trying to help you see that there very well could be more to this. If so, you'll need to be tested for STDs and such.

For now, please try to sleep and eat. If you can't eat, get some Boost or Ensure drinks for nutrition. Also, stay hydrated. Drink water. Your mind will function better with some calories and some sleep.

You'll survive, as we all have, and one day you'll be very proud of just how strong you really are.

BonnieDoon posted 11/27/2013 21:14 PM

You know, I just asked him more about the photos.....he said no, nothing happened. But would not lie to me, it was getting close. Then got really mad about "all the investigation's". Asked him how hd would feel. He told me last night ok to,ask questions.....but not 24 hours later, boom.....change of plans. Now mad at me. Nice eh?

Betrayed67 posted 11/27/2013 23:48 PM

I think your husband is still not telling you everything. My husband was chatting to many women for nearly a year. One year ago he had a one night stand with a prospective client ( my story on my profile). for weeks and months he told me that everything's been told - no more lies. But my gut told me otherwise. I kept digging until I saw charges on his credit card that were suspicious. That's when I found out about the online dating sites. So I guess what I'm saying is, you deserve the truth so keep asking. Your WH will keep lying until he's backed into a corner. Trust your gut. If you feel there is still something untold- you are probably right.

Others have said that you should get tested for std- I will heed their advice if I were you.

Please look after yourself. Hugs and strength to you.

[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 11:49 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

ming56 posted 11/28/2013 07:13 AM

My wife had an EA and it did not end until I exposed all, planned on ending our marriage, and most important of all she dealt with her issues via individual therapy and family therapy with me. She is very big on a person where she was having to hit their bottom to start mending. If your husband is upset about your investigating and not open to full disclosure, then he is not participating in reconcilliation. He could be scared of more being revealed and/or trying to minimize his culpability if it was truly "just" and EA. Either way if he is not in full disclosure mode he is not doing you or your marriage any good. I investigated full throttle and still five years removed reserve the right to do so again if I sense anything is amiss. Trust has to be earned and he is not doing what he needs to do to earn yours and is in no position to expect you to blindly trust him without verifying.

BonnieDoon posted 11/29/2013 08:50 AM

This site really does help. I suggested to my WH that he consider joining. Perhaps he could find solutions that have worked for others. I don't think he was keen but will try again.

I asked again last night about "it". He told me the same. I know in my heart of hearts that there would be no opportunity to follow thru with a PA BUT that that is exactly what was going to happen before she ended it. I asked him what if she did, did he think he was going to have 2 of us? He said "maybe".

As I mentioned our marriage was so rocky that we are trying to talk that thru in addition to all this crap.

I am investigating. I have found nothing. Other than the lurid photos.

I told him that I was going to confront her. He got really angry as I had said I would not. I said I may or may not. But she is divorced so already from a broken marraige, why ruin another one.

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