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Ball of confusion and hurt

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Jocelyn posted 11/27/2013 15:19 PM

My WH had an affair with Married OW (M-OW) while he was away training for work in another state. I found out a week after he returned home because of overages on our phone bill. I confronted him via text (he was out at a bar watching UFC)and he denied it saying they were just friends etc. I am reading the phone bill while I am confronting him and see they were texting that very second. I mention this to him and he acts like I'm wrong and the time stamp is off. He doesn't come home until 6am, this whole time I can see he and MOW are still texting. He refuses to talk with me and fell asleep on couch.
He left about 4 hours later and then didn't come home again and texted me he was staying with a friend and he was "thinking about things". Well turns out this Married OW drove here to my city from her state to be with him. He blew off our child telling me he couldn't stay home with her or pick her up from school to be with this M-OW so they could sleep together and hang out. He came home the next day saying he wants to work things out with me and I told him I was done being treated like this and he just left (now I know to be with M-OW). I wanted him to fight for us but he didn't.

Days pass and he finally comes 'clean' to me about the A (except he omitted the part where she showed up here in our state - I found that out from her H) and says he wants to R. We start working on it and doing more therapy. This whole time he is quite distant from me and finally I say idk what you want if you don't open up to me it can't work.
A week ago he left his iPod out (something he NEVER does) and I opened it to find out they are still talking so clearly his NC didn't work because he didn't care. He didn't know I knew the password.
I did confront M-OW that very same night I found out and she acted like they were just friends. I texted again a day later to tell her not to talk to him again and she said ok but it turns out she was sitting next to him in the car when I was texting her and thats why it looked like she had stopped texting and calling for that day :(. She forwarded all our conversations (between me and her) to WH. She forwarded my convo with her H to my WH (I advised him (her H) to change his passwords but obvs he didn't believe me). I don't understand why she is so cruel to me. And she said she didn't know he was married (she is fooling herself because she talked with me so obvs she knew)

I'm so confused. WH says he wants to work on things but it has only been a week and a half since they stopped talking (that I know of). I don't think I can ever trust him again but part of me wants to. I feel SO betrayed by him and he basically encouraged MOW to ridicule me.

Some background:
He is a habitual liar
He has a SA and a few EA online/text.

Its clear from afar I should be over him and I feel like mostly I am. I am not sure why I feel the pull to stay with him and hope he gets help.

I know this is long. :(

[This message edited by Jocelyn at 11:42 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]

unfound posted 11/27/2013 15:47 PM

Welcome to SI Jocelyn .

It's normal to feel over him and yet want it work out. Crazy making, I know. It's all crazy and sometimes there's no sense to be made in it all when you're hurting so bad. Once you get your feet under neath you and you can clearly see what he's doing, or not doing, to show you he wants this and will do whatever it is to make it work, it'll be a tad bit less crazy.

Keep reading and posting. There's a ton of people here that have btdt or are walking the same path as you, and willing to hold you up during this time.

Jocelyn posted 11/27/2013 16:06 PM

Thanks :)
Right now its pretty clear that he isn't interested in changing. He says he wants to but doesn't think he can. Which I read as he doesn't really want to change.
His lying is what kills me the most. He lies probably on a daily basis, and about stupid stuff as well as important things (like this). :(
I guess it should be obvious that he doesn't care enough to try. I'm very lonely and hurt and I think that is clouding my judgement.

hopefulmother posted 11/27/2013 16:59 PM

I am so angry for you!!!

Such brutal and cruel continued treatment is just shocking.

He has had a history of affairs...he has been conditioned to do what he wants and get away with it. There is a book called "Not Just Friends" that most of us here have read...there is a section about Pseudo-forgiveness

..."unfortunately, some unfaithful partners calculate the cost-benefit ratio of infidelity, go through a little bit of hell, and repeat the pattern. They're willing to pay the cost of their partner's brief unhappiness in order to experience the thrill of forbidden love." need to really make a stand...180...whatever. He is doing what ever he feels like doing. Walking all over you and using you as a remorse.


fourever posted 11/27/2013 17:40 PM

I think you have just only discovered the tip of this guys iceberg unfortunately.
Add to it, his OW is a raging bitch, wanting to step into your home and life. Don't waste one minute.

I'm going to give you a very specific roadmap to follow if you want to.

Make an appt with an attorny Friday to find out your rights. (does not mean you have to file)
Open your own bank account, and fund it with 1/2 any assets you can. All of them if you want, you can give back what the attorney tells you to.
Copy all financial records you have access too. Everything.
Save emails, voice mails, keep safe.
Make sure your family knows what is going on.
If she is married, tell her husband immediately, without notifying her or your husband you are doing it.

There is much help here. This by no means, implies I am encouraging you to leave him, only to protect yourself while you sort this out in the beginning. You have a child to care for, and that is first priority. Your wandering husband is not thinking properly, you must take control of you and your child.

Reality, in most cases, can be the great eye opener!

Jocelyn posted 11/29/2013 20:21 PM

Thanks you fourever for these specifics! I talked with 2 attorney's last week immediately after I found out WH and stupid M-OW were still talking. I have done everything on your list except copy the taxes, I didn't even think of them.
He is staying with a friend right now but the last two days he has been at our home, I think he is finally realizing it is up to him to see our child. I'm not going to beg him even though she cries for him all the time. So sad. :(

I think I haven retained any of the attorneys because maybe I'm not ready for this to be reality even though this is my new reality and new life. My dad said he would help financially with the retainer but my soft stupid heart is like no we can do this through mediation to save money. :(

[This message edited by Jocelyn at 11:41 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]

Jocelyn posted 11/29/2013 20:23 PM

I'm craving normalcy like no other. This is sooo hard and I'm so angry at him for putting us in this situation. He says he wants to work on things but I think he isn't truly remorseful just regretful.

fourever posted 11/29/2013 21:43 PM

I don't think he's either of those unfortunately.

In the long run, mediation will cost you more. Most end up in court anyway, and very long drawn out, as this isn't a mutual break up. If he is still in contact, let your dad help you and file. You always have the option to stop it. But most likely, she is driving him, and his head is so far up, he isn't thinking.

I really think you would know if she was under the preverbal bus wheels. She's not. You really need to contact her husband without a heads up to them, and let him know they are still in contact, and that you intend to file. Keep your appointments and figure out your rights. But you need to protect you and your child. They are both playing you. You need to get very very angry.

It's such a shit sandwich! Time to deal with it swiftly and strongly. I wouldn't be surprised if her husband never saw your e-mail? I'd try a personal exchange if you have any doubts.

I'm not hearing anything that says OMG, What have I done? Are you?

Jocelyn posted 11/29/2013 21:51 PM

I did tell her husband last Sunday when I found out that WH and M-OW were still talking. They live overseas (M-OW was visiting family in the states and WH was in that state for work) so I contacted M-OW's H via FB and made sure it was him (asked a specific question that only he'd know the answer to). We talked via FB messager. M-OW's H is the one that told me M-OW came here to my state to visit with WH.

I don't know why I'm dragging feet. :(
WH has a serious serious lying problem and I want him to get help. This combined with his SA site root of our problems. I am trying to recognize and accept that I cannot change him, it is up to him to change.
I admit it was a bit easier when he wasn't here trying.

[This message edited by Jocelyn at 11:42 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]

Jocelyn posted 11/29/2013 22:02 PM

Oh. When I talked with her husband last week he said they are trying to work on things and she told WH that it wasn't going to work between her and WH anymore. But she forwarded my FB convo between her H and me to my WH (even though I told mow h to change his password, obv he didn't). Anyway I don't know who to believe anymore and I don't know if they are still in contact. He literally just put our daughter to bed and left so yeah, he really seems to not give a shit.

Some things, I'm a full time student. L told me WH will be responsible to maintain me until I grad in May. WH is moving to another state in June (military) which myself and my daughter were supposed to go but as of now we are not. I guess I'm scared to file now jic the L are wrong and I have to move before school is over. I'm stressed and anxious enough. Also we just moved into this place in aug and I don't want to lose the $2500 deposit we paid. We can get out of the lease based on his orders but not until 30 days before he moves.

fourever posted 11/29/2013 22:04 PM

WH has a serious serious lying problem and I want him to get help. This combined with his SA site root of our problems. I am trying to recognize and accept that I cannot change him, it is up to him to change.

^ THIS This is Not for YOU to fix. This has to come from him. You cannot do this for him, that is what you have got to understand and come to terms with. This is HIS problem, not yours to share. Do you see what I'm saying? You answered it yourself, but you are not listening to your words.

He has something broken in him. He never addressed it. So it will be a perpetual issue all his life, and yours, until he does. Please don't do this to yourself of your child. There is not a very bright future for anyone until this happens. You deserve more, go and get it. If he figures it out, awesome. If not, well, you made a wonderful life for you and your little one.

When is enough, enough? Is her husband OK with his wife's boyfriend? Are you OK with your husband's girlfriend? I'm thinking you are not. What the other husband has to say, I have no idea. Does he care? In any event, no need to talk to him again, doesn't sound like he gives a rip, he knows what she's doing, or she's snowing him, big time.

Enough, Get mad, have Enough. Married men don't get girlfriends.

Jocelyn posted 11/29/2013 22:09 PM

I'm sorry, can you explain what preverbal bus wheels means?

fourever posted 11/29/2013 22:12 PM

Listen to your Attorney!
If you move, you may go to a state that has lesser laws for adulterers. That means less for you. As military, I think you can go to his CO? But, it comes with ramifications for him, so check this out with someone first.

Go get tested for ALL STD's as soon as possible, and do not have sex with your h until he's tested, A FULL PANEL, Bloods and All, and you have results sent to you and read by a DR!
Unfortunately, I'm not kidding.

fourever posted 11/29/2013 22:14 PM

Ever heard the term "Thrown under the bus"? It's when someone is caught, as in adultery, and the affair partner is dumped like stinky garbage.

I think he's still in this affair.

[This message edited by fourever at 10:15 PM, November 29th (Friday)]

Jocelyn posted 11/29/2013 22:22 PM

We are not having sex. We did not even have sex when he returned from work in the other state. He had an accident while there and I thought he was just depressed because of this and didn't want to be with me because of his depression. Looking back I understand it was because of her and I found out about their A exactly one week after he was home. My friend told me to get tested anyway jic because this might not be the first time he has done something like this. :(

I am not telling his CO. He could get kicked out and that proves only negative for our daughter, she (and I) needs his financial support.

WH and M-OW H told me they have not been in contact one week prior to me finding all the messages on his iPod. I did not see any messages during that time frame and he didn't know I had his password so I don't see why he would have deleted them but kept messages that were older? He finally admitted that it was wrong to protect her and tell M-OW I contacted her H. Whether he truly recognizes that he was protecting her and not me, his wife, idk.

My state is no fault.

Hearing you say this "I think he's still in this affair." makes me extra sad. I am losing hope. Why do you feel this way? :(

[This message edited by Jocelyn at 11:44 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]

fourever posted 11/29/2013 22:24 PM

OK listen carefully.

If MOW and her H were working it out, she would not be forwarding info to your husband. She is treating him like a joke.

Your H, by telling you this, is treating you like one. He doesn't care if you know about her or not.
He gives you just enough to keep you confused and on the end of a string.

Do you see this? Do you know where he left to go tonight?

Personally, I would throw his shit outside and have an emergency locksmith come immediately to add locks to the doors. (Some states won't let you change the locks), but, they don't say you can't add some! Brilliant!!

Do you have someone to help you while you are at school?
Did you transfer some money?
Do you have family nearby?
Are you afraid of him?

fourever posted 11/29/2013 22:29 PM

Maybe I'm being too strong about this. I just have a really bad feeling about it and what you've told me about her.

Watch carefully, and take very good care of yourself and baby. Keep putting money and things away. and keep posting here. I hope I'm wrong, and over protecting you a bit! Sorry if too strong.
Check in with me tomorrow morning.

Jocelyn posted 11/29/2013 22:32 PM

I guess I see it but I don't want to believe it. I don't want to believe any of this is happening. I want my life back. I want him, the normal him back.

Do you mean that MOW is treating her H like a joke by sending my WH the messages (the way WH is to me)? I think she was lashing at me, she seems to hate me for some reason. I really don't understand her hatred for me. Really.

I don't know where he went tonight, I assume back to his friend's house he has been staying with. I asked him to leave our house last week and he did at my request. Maybe he feels like he can't stay, i'm not sure.

I don't have any family nearby, I'm not afraid of him. Our daughter goes to preschool when I am in school. The L told me not to work until the spousal support order is implemented because my support will be lower and my focus should be on school. WH is not taking any money from the accounts, and I am paying all the bills. The rent is an allotment.

fourever posted 11/29/2013 22:49 PM

No One wants to believe the impossible is happening to them. It's crazy. Not possible. Not him. Not her. But here we all are. With stories that in some cases are completely nuts, from husbands and wives we trusted and loved unconditionally. Yet, the impossible still happened.

My flippant side would say: You cannot un-fuck the duck!
And: I cannot commit murder, even if it would feel good!

We can't hide, we can't wish it away. We cannot pretend it hasn't happened, because it has.

We must move forward, try to sort it out, try to think rationally about our options, our future, the future of our innocent children, and what each move will mean to them and to us.

We have a new reality. The innocence of unconditional love and trust is gone forever. But, our new reality, will be made with our eyes open. No one will ever, we hope, make choices for us again, that we are unaware of because of our trust and love. A little sad, maybe a lot sad, but empowering?

If we stay together, the new marriage will be on our terms now. And, it can be fantastic! If not, we will not stay together. We lived the lies & betrayal, we will not do it again.
End of story.

Jocelyn posted 11/30/2013 11:39 AM

I thought MOW meant Married Other Woman not maybe. Well there is no maybe. So I edited all my posts to say M-OW.

[This message edited by Jocelyn at 11:45 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]

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