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Mark62 posted 11/27/2013 15:46 PM

One year ago (12/12) I discovered my wife of 32 years had been having an affair with a married co-worker, 17 yrs her junior. The affair had been going on since August after he started sexting her. Enthralled with the attention of this younger man, she gave herself to him after she told me she did not love me any more and wanted to leave. Although she did not leave, she carried on with him for 5 months until I noticed the literal thousands of text messages over this time period, sometimes over three hundred per day. After D-Day, she broke it off but continued to work with him for 5 months until he left for a different job. I have forgiven her the affair, however there are still many painful scars and memories that haunt me. Healing is not as quick and easy as I would like and I just need an outlet to vent sometimes. I shared about the affair with 5 close friends, none of which live even close to me. I told none of my family or hers, not even our children (ages 29 and 20) who are both married and live away from home. She has told no one, she says. I never confronted the AP, nor did I tell his wife. If the affair became public it would cost my wife her job, which I can't afford for her to lose at this point, although I really think his wife should know that her husband has been cheating on her, not just with my wife, but with others he bragged to my wife about as well. If my wife manages to get another job, I feel like I should let the other woman know, but at this point I just don't know.

StillLivin posted 11/27/2013 15:50 PM

Anonymously out the other APs he has had.
Lots of ways to do it.
She deserves to know.
I'm sorry you have had to deal with this.
Hope your holiday weekend is a good one!

somanyyears posted 11/27/2013 19:37 PM


Have either of you been to IC or MC for this?

Have you continued to talk and get support from your 5 friends?

..does your WW know you have told them about her 'activites'..??

..if it's been a year since you revealed her A, then it would appear that you both are rugsweeping this and it is NOT being dealt with to address her issues, nor yours.

..are you able to talk about the A with your wife or has it become the big,deep, dark secret between you ??

Do you think you have all the facts and details you need?

..your healing is only being delayed because you fear her job loss and have put the A on the back burner, but sadly, it is still there, simmering and cooking till you decide to take the lid off that pot. I speak from experience when I say that, eventually that lid is going to 'BLOW SKY HIGH' when the pressure of it explodes.

..our pot took 23 years to blow.. but when it did, all hell broke loose. And I've been 4.5 years trying to heal from the devastation. (married 41 years , together 46!!)

..i urge you, don't wait to get your whole truth, and don't allow her to put you and it on that back burner.. get all your feelings and issues out on the table and face this together.

..otherwise, it will always be the elephant in the room and you will live with no closure, no certainty and worst of all...NO PEACE of MIND!

exposing the OM is part of that process, otherwise you are collaborating with the OM to keep his dirty little secret.

hope this helps you a bit.


Mark62 posted 11/30/2013 07:45 AM

"Have either of you been to IC or MC for this?" No counseling at this point.

"Have you continued to talk and get support from your 5 friends?" While I have talked to most of the 5 since last December, none have inquired how things were going since.

"..does your WW know you have told them about her 'activites'..??" Yes, she knew when I told them. At first she was mad, but now she says she understands and has even encouraged me to share with a 'local' friend I see on a weekly basis that she feels would be a sympathetic ear.

"..if it's been a year since you revealed her A, then it would appear that you both are rugsweeping this and it is NOT being dealt with to address her issues, nor yours." For my part, I don't agree. I am dealing with this EVERY day. I closely monitor her phone and text messages, I have a tracking program installed on her phone where I can monitor her location 24/7. For the past 11 months, outside of contact at work, I knew what she was telling me matched up with the intel I was collecting. We have had numerous conversations about transparency and honesty and I have expressed on numerous occasions that if this ever happened again EVERYONE would know about the original and any other dirty laundry she so desperately wants to keep covered up.

"..are you able to talk about the A with your wife or has it become the big,deep, dark secret between you ??" WE do still talk about it - just not the details anymore. I found too many details just create new triggers for painful memories and images.

"Do you think you have all the facts and details you need?" Most. On the day after D-Day, she came to me with her phone and showed me the texts where he started making lewd requests about getting together with a 2nd woman and having a threesome. She told him that I knew and he blew up at her - a total of about 8 messages back and forth. When I pulled up the phone records it shows a total of about 60 texts back and forth yet she swears she showed me everything. Not buying it. Since then I feel like she has been probably 85% honest with me about the affair. I think what she has held back is out of shame and maybe to protect me further.

Mark62 posted 11/30/2013 07:50 AM

How do I "out the AP's other partners" without implicating my WW? All I have is a name and address and time period I know he was seeing her. The AP wife is a volatile personality who has access to handguns and is the type who might very well show up at the workplace to have a showdown. I'm not looking to get anyone hurt, although it would not hurt me to see this guy lose his family that doesn't deserve the way he has treated them.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/30/2013 08:07 AM

Dude this is bull. Your ww is a pos and she is straight playing you, even now. The other wife should know, today. Shes not going to do a damn thing except wise up and divorce her sick screw happy husband. Wake the fuck up man. Your wife was planning GROUP sex with another man. She stopped being your wife the minute she hit the sheets with the cub scout. Now youre the tough guy who monitors her phone and doesnt say shit to anyone? Wow what a deal. Guess what, she will find a way to keep doing it, and shes just fine with pissing all over your 32 years of devotion and decency. Cool.

So how about you step away from the kool aid for a minute and ask yourself whats really going on here? You are still wanting to be married to this? She is playing you like a fiddle and youre scared of this other guys wife? What? Seriously? Dude what destroys affairs is the light. She will do it again and probably with the same guy if you dont bring it out in the open.

Its time to do the 180. And dont be anonymous. Print out every text and email, call the om's betrayed spouse, meet her at a restaurant or diner. Hand her the printed copies so she can use them for the divorce. Tell her you still dont know if youre going to divorce your pos wayward.

You are still in shock my man. You can live with or without this woman but you are making up your mind too quickly. Do the 180. I promise you, if you are strict in it and adhere to everything, the answer will be clear.

And mark, quit worrying about her reputation. If she gave a shit about that she wouldnt have screwed this kid.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/30/2013 08:16 AM

And your wife losing her job? So what. Does the house the car the boat really matter that much? Tell you wife target is hiring cashiers. If shes going to feed on the bottom then she really needs to know what you think of her. Man I hate it when I see a man getting played. Youre a year in and youre more worried about her bullshit porno lifestyle than yourself. Expose this shit. You will find out if she really wants to keep her marriage when she has to make some hard decisions. So far youve done all the deciding. And your decision is to let her trample your ass.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/30/2013 08:48 AM

And by not telling the other mans wife, youre insuring this will happen to some other guy.

Uhtred posted 11/30/2013 08:52 AM

Blow this shit out of the water man. Don't sit back and allow this POS to slide by. I doubt that it will come to your wife losing her job.

Right now your an enabler and it could possibly start back up. Please don't let this SOB slide, he has to be accountable. Do you know the OM's wife or just what your wife has told you about her?

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/30/2013 08:57 AM

Uhtred nails it. Your ww is more worried about the other man and her job than she is about you. Expose this. He is out there ruining another family. Bad enough he ruined yours. And your wife isnt anywhere near letting go. This is a false reconciliation. If you want real R you need to force aome issues to the surface.

Uhtred posted 11/30/2013 09:19 AM

I don't recommend doing it the way that I did but you owe it to yourself. It is very empowering to do this for you. You gain a little control back.

Like GotMyLifeBck2013 said "don't sit back and let your ass get trampled". Pick up your sword and cut this fools legs off. Some people deal with things differently I know but this is the one thing that should all be handled the same way.

A house, car, or any other worldly possession isn't worth your marriage or sanity. In the back of your mind I know that you are wondering if it's still going on. By doing this you will make this man run for the hills I swear it.

He's a weasel and will run for sure. Any man that does this to his family and other families is a coward and you will get to see this cur run.

Best of luck to you friend, give yourself this gift.

Thefly559 posted 11/30/2013 09:32 AM

After a year you should be in a better place brother. Just my opinion. Stop letting her bullshit. You need to take control and let the chips fall where they may. Good luck

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/30/2013 09:34 AM

Mark we are trying to wake you up man. Do what uhtred suggests. If you know anythinng about the om's betrayed wife package up all the evidence and give to her. Ruin this asshole. For me it was easy, my ex told everyone she knew that she had a 20 year old boyfriend. Then the ex showed her 20 year old daughter a picture of him on thanksgiving. If he had a wife or girlfriennd i surely would have told them, but i found out later he just wanted to fuck my wife for fun. Thats a 20 year old pig for you. So now anyear later the ex is still blaming me and causing grief because she cant accept that she turned whore. Listen, i have been there, right where you are. This woman is still in denial. If she cared about you she would quit the job, tell the other woman herself and be on her knees begging you every day. Dont take it. Be the leader here, remember you were single when you met her, and you wont be single forever if you leave her. You are the catch and she knows it, which is why she is rugsweeping and protecting the other man.

blakesteele posted 11/30/2013 10:31 AM are not risking her job. She did that all on her own through her actions.

Your wife has never spoke of her actions to anyone?

This is a concern. Left to her own accord...what did she do before? She committed adultery! How do you guys think she will be able to do any better, change, grow WITHOUT new inputs? A false sense of pride and power is one of the factors that lead to adultery being an option. The whole I got this! attitude is lethal. It blinds those who adopt this attitude to the real dangers that lurk about. You cant defend against a threat if you think none exist.

I submit your adult children knowing what you guys are wrestling with would be beneficial to your M and your family.

I also submit her AP wife absolutely needs to know. If she really is a psycho...the time to consider this threat is BEFORE she spread her legs for her husband. Secrets are DANGEROUS! How does she have any confidence his wife wont find out other ways? Every WS feels they will NEVER get caught....they always do. This may be a real threat, because there are psychos out there, but NOT telling his wife does not eliminate this threat. It wont do anything to get him to wifes AP is onto another woman even though I told his wife....but there are no secrets between the couples involved in my wifes affair.

Ask yourself this question....

The M you have NOW is going to be the M you have forever unless one of you changes your inputs. She is not changing a damn thing. So it is up to you....unless you are fine with the M you have.

You cannot protect her from herself. You can only lead the family as you were meant to do. If she has the stomach for it she will re-join your M. If not you will have a decision to make.

Just realize by NOT changing your inputs you are making a decision to keep the M you have currently.

I pray for courage takes a lot of courage. I pray you find courage too.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:33 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]

Brandon808 posted 11/30/2013 11:16 AM

The AP wife is a volatile personality who has access to handguns and is the type who might very well show up at the workplace to have a showdown

Brother, if I had a nickel for every BH who was feed this line by their WW then I'd be retired. Seriously, if the OM was truly afraid for his life would he be going around risking it? If your WW truly believed that then why doesn't she resent the OM for "putting hey life at risk" from his BW?

Mark62 posted 12/3/2013 11:11 AM

I sense a great deal of bitterness in many of your replies. Not to say that yours is not justified - no one deserves betrayal of this nature. I still hurt after a year and I imagine I will continue to hurt for many years to come. But, I choose NOT to become bitter over this - why ruin my own life further? Like I said, I have forgiven my WW. I have also told her that if this EVER happened again she would be out with nothing AND totally exposed to all of her friends and family. I am not looking to hurt her like she hurt me or at all. I am also not looking to be hurt again by her either. We have both changed over the last year. I pay a lot more attention to where she is and when (GPS tracker on her phone which she does not know about), who she is talking to (key logger on her computer she doesn't know about) and monitor all cell records - calls and texts. I don't know if it is love for me or fear of exposure, but she trying to make us work, as am I. I do, however, want to expose the AP, at least to his wife because she does deserve to know what she shares a bed with. I have met her briefly at a company get together a couple of years ago. I know where they live, but I don't know where she works. I've never had to share this kind of news with anyone and I don't know quite how to go about doing it.

On another note, this past Sunday, she did confess to a couple of friends of ours her affair. They knew something was going on between us last year, but had no idea it was this bad. She made the choice and took the opportunity to share this with them. I do not believe she is still involved with the OM in any way. She is scared spitless that her 91 year old mother will find out causing her to have a heart attack. I have watched her change, gradually over the last year for the better. Many of you may have chosen to end your marriage over this seemingly unforgivable act - but I have chosen to try and make mine work. If it doesn't then at least I can say I tried. If it does, however, then maybe I can be in a place to offer hope to someone else going through this hell.

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