Have either of you been to IC or MC for this?
Have you continued to talk and get support from your 5 friends?
..does your WW know you have told them about her 'activites'..??
..if it's been a year since you revealed her A, then it would appear that you both are rugsweeping this and it is NOT being dealt with to address her issues, nor yours.
..are you able to talk about the A with your wife or has it become the big,deep, dark secret between you ??
Do you think you have all the facts and details you need?
..your healing is only being delayed because you fear her job loss and have put the A on the back burner, but sadly, it is still there, simmering and cooking till you decide to take the lid off that pot. I speak from experience when I say that, eventually that lid is going to 'BLOW SKY HIGH' when the pressure of it explodes.
..our pot took 23 years to blow.. but when it did, all hell broke loose. And I've been 4.5 years trying to heal from the devastation. (married 41 years , together 46!!)
..i urge you, don't wait to get your whole truth, and don't allow her to put you and it on that back burner.. get all your feelings and issues out on the table and face this together.
..otherwise, it will always be the elephant in the room and you will live with no closure, no certainty and worst of all...NO PEACE of MIND!
exposing the OM is part of that process, otherwise you are collaborating with the OM to keep his dirty little secret.
hope this helps you a bit.
"Have you continued to talk and get support from your 5 friends?" While I have talked to most of the 5 since last December, none have inquired how things were going since.
"..does your WW know you have told them about her 'activites'..??" Yes, she knew when I told them. At first she was mad, but now she says she understands and has even encouraged me to share with a 'local' friend I see on a weekly basis that she feels would be a sympathetic ear.
"..if it's been a year since you revealed her A, then it would appear that you both are rugsweeping this and it is NOT being dealt with to address her issues, nor yours." For my part, I don't agree. I am dealing with this EVERY day. I closely monitor her phone and text messages, I have a tracking program installed on her phone where I can monitor her location 24/7. For the past 11 months, outside of contact at work, I knew what she was telling me matched up with the intel I was collecting. We have had numerous conversations about transparency and honesty and I have expressed on numerous occasions that if this ever happened again EVERYONE would know about the original and any other dirty laundry she so desperately wants to keep covered up.
"..are you able to talk about the A with your wife or has it become the big,deep, dark secret between you ??" WE do still talk about it - just not the details anymore. I found too many details just create new triggers for painful memories and images.
"Do you think you have all the facts and details you need?" Most. On the day after D-Day, she came to me with her phone and showed me the texts where he started making lewd requests about getting together with a 2nd woman and having a threesome. She told him that I knew and he blew up at her - a total of about 8 messages back and forth. When I pulled up the phone records it shows a total of about 60 texts back and forth yet she swears she showed me everything. Not buying it. Since then I feel like she has been probably 85% honest with me about the affair. I think what she has held back is out of shame and maybe to protect me further.
So how about you step away from the kool aid for a minute and ask yourself whats really going on here? You are still wanting to be married to this? She is playing you like a fiddle and youre scared of this other guys wife? What? Seriously? Dude what destroys affairs is the light. She will do it again and probably with the same guy if you dont bring it out in the open.
Its time to do the 180. And dont be anonymous. Print out every text and email, call the om's betrayed spouse, meet her at a restaurant or diner. Hand her the printed copies so she can use them for the divorce. Tell her you still dont know if youre going to divorce your pos wayward.
You are still in shock my man. You can live with or without this woman but you are making up your mind too quickly. Do the 180. I promise you, if you are strict in it and adhere to everything, the answer will be clear.
And mark, quit worrying about her reputation. If she gave a shit about that she wouldnt have screwed this kid.
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
Right now your an enabler and it could possibly start back up. Please don't let this SOB slide, he has to be accountable. Do you know the OM's wife or just what your wife has told you about her?
Like GotMyLifeBck2013 said "don't sit back and let your ass get trampled". Pick up your sword and cut this fools legs off. Some people deal with things differently I know but this is the one thing that should all be handled the same way.
A house, car, or any other worldly possession isn't worth your marriage or sanity. In the back of your mind I know that you are wondering if it's still going on. By doing this you will make this man run for the hills I swear it.
He's a weasel and will run for sure. Any man that does this to his family and other families is a coward and you will get to see this cur run.
Best of luck to you friend, give yourself this gift.
Your wife has never spoke of her actions to anyone?
This is a concern. Left to her own accord...what did she do before? She committed adultery! How do you guys think she will be able to do any better, change, grow WITHOUT new inputs? A false sense of pride and power is one of the factors that lead to adultery being an option. The whole I got this! attitude is lethal. It blinds those who adopt this attitude to the real dangers that lurk about. You cant defend against a threat if you think none exist.
I submit your adult children knowing what you guys are wrestling with would be beneficial to your M and your family.
I also submit her AP wife absolutely needs to know. If she really is a psycho...the time to consider this threat is BEFORE she spread her legs for her husband. Secrets are DANGEROUS! How does she have any confidence his wife wont find out other ways? Every WS feels they will NEVER get caught....they always do. This may be a real threat, because there are psychos out there, but NOT telling his wife does not eliminate this threat. It wont do anything to get him to change...my wifes AP is onto another woman even though I told his wife....but there are no secrets between the couples involved in my wifes affair.
Ask yourself this question....
The M you have NOW is going to be the M you have forever unless one of you changes your inputs. She is not changing a damn thing. So it is up to you....unless you are fine with the M you have.
You cannot protect her from herself. You can only lead the family as you were meant to do. If she has the stomach for it she will re-join your M. If not you will have a decision to make.
Just realize by NOT changing your inputs you are making a decision to keep the M you have currently.
I pray for courage daily....it takes a lot of courage. I pray you find courage too.
God be with you.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:33 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]
The AP wife is a volatile personality who has access to handguns and is the type who might very well show up at the workplace to have a showdown
On another note, this past Sunday, she did confess to a couple of friends of ours her affair. They knew something was going on between us last year, but had no idea it was this bad. She made the choice and took the opportunity to share this with them. I do not believe she is still involved with the OM in any way. She is scared spitless that her 91 year old mother will find out causing her to have a heart attack. I have watched her change, gradually over the last year for the better. Many of you may have chosen to end your marriage over this seemingly unforgivable act - but I have chosen to try and make mine work. If it doesn't then at least I can say I tried. If it does, however, then maybe I can be in a place to offer hope to someone else going through this hell.