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Thanksgiving at the brother in law's house

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TheThreeYearFool posted 11/27/2013 15:59 PM

Thank god I'm not hosting Thanksgiving this year. I don't think I'd be able to handle it.

My BIL and his wife are hosting as they do every other year (they alternate with visiting her family). Just recently I saw WH's old text messages to OW from November 2011, and it hurts to think how clueless I was the last time I was there for Thanksgiving. He probably texted her from there. Not to mention that I think OW came over to my house the Friday after while I had to work.

Now I get to face the immediate family: BIL, his wife, and my MIL. I know for a fact that MIL knows about the A, since I told her (no regrets -- I love her and I knew she would support me).

And BIL knows too. My WH was stupid enough to take OW out to dinner the Saturday after Valentine's Day to the hottest restaurant in town... where BIL waits tables while he's in school.

OW assumed that BIL knew about the A and didn't care, and said as much in one of the emails I found on DDay. When I was in full DDay freak out mode I told MIL that BIL might have known, so of course she called him to compare notes. BIL stated that WH came in one night with a "dumpy blonde." WH apparently introduced OW as "a coworker" and they never spoke of it again.

I can't imagine that once everything blew up BIL didn't tell his wife (with whom I also get along very well). So I'm facing a room full of people who all know that WH cheated on me for years.

Ugh. I'm not sure I'll be able to hold it together the first time MIL hugs me. I care about her so much....

painfulpast posted 11/27/2013 16:40 PM

((((TheThreeYearFool))))

I'm sorry you're hurting. If you need to escape the festivities, there will be someone here to support you.

You can do this. We're all with you.

Skan posted 11/27/2013 18:17 PM

(((hugs))) Hold your hear up and walk proud. You've done nothing wrong. (((hugs)))

Skan posted 11/27/2013 18:17 PM

(((hugs))) Hold your hear up and walk proud. You've done nothing wrong. (((hugs)))

standinghere posted 11/27/2013 19:29 PM

Yes, you will be facing a room full of people who know, and that is very hard.

They may all be wondering why you are giving him a second chance.

They may all be thinking or saying all sorts of things. But, remember, that your husband who had the affair came from this family, and the origins of his affair come from this background, and it has a lot more to do with him and his family background than anything else, and nothing to do with you.

My wife, we used to go to family get-togethers with her family, of all the people there, and considering the various people over the years, sisters, nieces, nephews, stepfather, stepmother, father, mother, I and my wife were the only ones who had not cheated in our marriage...make that a correction, I was the only one who had not cheated, I just didn't know it till 3 years ago.

However, I also found out three years ago, that my wife was secretly smoking marijuana with one of the stepsisters, and everyone of the family knew it, and knew that I didn't know (they didn't know about her cheating though). I know now that this gossipy family, who gossiped about their affairs, their cheating, their divorces, their drug use (and a lot more than marijuana), loved the secrets, loved violating the secrets by gossiping, and loved the chaos of other people's relationships.

I also know, without question, as friendly as they were to my face and I to them, that they would have loved nothing more than to see our marriage crumble, just one more thing to gossip about, and that way my wife and I'd be in the same boat as the rest of them with their numerous relationships and divorces.

How do I know? Well, I'm not even anti marijuana, and nobody ever invited me to smoke, not once, (although I would have turned it down because of a clause in my life insurance policy which would void my insurance if something happened to me and I was using and also because of my license, which can be restricted it I'm found to be using)...just my wife. I knew that the sisters used, they knew that my wife did, but secrets and gossip were the order of the day.

So watch that family carefully, and think about the fact that you lived in the same town, with an affair that went on for 3 years, and your recent DDay, you probably don't know the beginning of it.

better4me posted 11/27/2013 22:49 PM

(((TheThreeYear))) What courage you have spending the holiday with his family. The one who should have the hardest time "handling" it should be your WH. This is NOT your fault. None of it. You've done nothing to be embarrassed about. And if you should shed some tears when hugging your MIL, that is a very appropriate reaction. I hope your H sees those tears and feels very ashamed!

[This message edited by better4me at 10:50 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

Gemini71 posted 11/27/2013 23:05 PM

You are braver than I. Even though we are divorcing, I was still invited to Thanksgiving at the In-Laws. They all know why we are divorcing, and maybe someday I'll be able to attend as an extended 'family' member, but not this year.

Gotmegood posted 11/27/2013 23:40 PM

I was going to say the same thing as another poster. YOU should not feel foolish, or ashamed, or uncomfortable tomorrow. Those are emotions that should be felt by the BETRAYER. And I think somehow it is common for the BS to feel these things. And why? We didn't lie. We didn't cheat. We didn't inflict unimaginable pain on our loved one. Think about that if insecure feelings begin to creep in. And good luck.

TheThreeYearFool posted 11/29/2013 10:33 AM

I think I did okay. I held it together. I really do like WH's family. They're a little weird but they're not bad people. Besides, I know that MIL ripped WH a new one when I told her about the A.

There was no mention of the A. (Well, I mentioned the fact that my brand new car got keyed a little over a month after I got it. I didn't say that OW did it.) Mostly I worked to keep the conversation focused on the hosting couple and what was going on in their lives. Maybe it's rugsweeping but I find it helps me to take a genuine interest in other people -- it keeps me from getting stuck inside my heard.

I still thought about the A the entire time. I thought about how screwed up it was that WH was there next to me trying to act like nothing was wrong. I thought about how happy BIL and his wife seemed and wondered why a couple of crazy tattooed bartenders with skulls on the walls could have that happiness and we couldn't.

Although I sat beside WH during dinner and afterwards on the couch, I distanced myself from WH physically and mentally before the actual dinner. I hung out in the kitchen with the hosts and helped with dinner prep while WH mostly sat on the couch alone watching football. He definitely noticed, and felt hurt about it.

Good. He needs to know what he stands to lose.

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