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I don't know what to do.

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Jusfoundout posted 11/27/2013 16:18 PM

I just found out my wife cheated on me. She had a one night stand a year and a half ago. I did not know this happened when it did. But until yesterday our life together was great. I don't know what to do. We have been married for 17 years with 2 kids. I love her with all my heart and can't imagine life without her but I don't know if I can ever forget this happened. It really hurts. I don't know what to do.
Someone please help

painfulpast posted 11/27/2013 16:25 PM


I'm so sorry. The shock of such a betrayal is so hard. How did you find out? Did she confess?

This isn't your fault, at all. And no, you won't ever forget this. You can forgive and move forward, but forget? No, that won't happen. You will get through this, trust me, but it will be hard.

How did it happen? Do you know this man involved?

Please read the healing library. On the left side of the screen is a yellow rectangle. In that, 4th item down, is the healing library. There is such a wealth of information there.

Just read what you can, try to sleep and eat something. You have found a wonderful site in SI, filled with wonderful caring people that will help you at every turn.

LetMeRollIt posted 11/27/2013 16:27 PM

Sorry you are here, brother.

toomanyregrets posted 11/27/2013 16:36 PM

I'm sorry your here.
How did you find out?
Did your WW say why she had the ONS?

You will get past the hurt, but you will never forget it happened.

Smokehouse posted 11/27/2013 17:32 PM

Painful to be sure. Devastating! The reason folks on here are asking more questions is not to be nosy, but a better understanding of your situation and then a path to start you on.

I'm roughly 4 months out. I thought I would not ever get over this horrible pain and devastation. I'm not over it but, it is better. I'm able to cope and work towards R. You will be able to as well. It sucks you can't fast forward.

Take care of yourself, drink lots of water, eat, sleep when you can. Lean on a friend, discuss it with your WW, counselor, whatever you need.

Jusfoundout posted 11/27/2013 17:43 PM

Thank you all for your concern and help.
I knew they were friends at the gym but had no idea.
I received an e-mail from his wife. It was devastating.
My wife admitted it to me and answered every thing I asked.
She swears it was only the one time and regretted it as it happened. She said he was in a bad relationship and she felt sorry for him. I see the guy at the gym often but I will never be able to go back cause I don't know what I would do. Last night I slept a little. Can't eat much I just throw it up.
I don't know what to do. It's like cancer eating a big hole in my soul.
I will read the yellow box now.

kenny55 posted 11/27/2013 18:12 PM

Sorry you are here. You dod not need to make a rushed decision on this. Are you able to get into counceling? If so it will help. Good luck to you.

Jusfoundout posted 11/27/2013 19:39 PM

I don't know if I will make it. Feeling very down and alone. I hate alone.

standinghere posted 11/27/2013 19:53 PM

Don't do anything but take care of yourself for a can't do anything but that right now.

You can go to counseling, but more importantly your wife needs to go to counseling, she's the one who cheated.

Read from the healing library here.

Post about what you are going through. It helps. I found this place nearly 2 years into my ordeal. There is nothing more terrible on this side of Hell, and if I had to describe Hell, it would be a place where you love someone and they betray you like this and it never ends.

I remember that first night after the confession, the days stretching out into months, the pain in the gut, the nights without sleep (I didn't sleep much for days). I found out 9 years after the fact. I'd been close to divorcing my wife because of our relationship problems, all stemming from this affair and her major underlying psychological issues which she had hidden.

Remember a few things.

You do not know the full story.

Almost all WS's lie their ass off about their affairs after being discovered or confessing.

Almost all WS's have major FOO issues (family of origin issues) that they haven't disclosed or that you know about but don't understand their impact on the person psychologically.

Your work is just beginning, to understand, to heal, to come to the point where you thrive.


You do not have to reconcile.

You do not have to stay married.

You do not have to forgive...although it is better if you do eventually. Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation, it does not mean that you stay married.

Do not forgive to quickly.

Do not mistake sadness and regret for true remorse, TRUE REMORSE is something else altogether different and you will know it when you see it.

You will never, ever, forget this. This is one of the cruelest things you can do to another human being, it is abuse, it is sex abuse if unprotected sex is involved (and it almost always involves unprotected sex although WS's will deny this to high heaven till they finally confess), it is psychological abuse.

I received an e-mail from his wife. It was devastating.

At least you know. Now, find out all you can from her, how she knows, what she knows, when she knows, and everything else you can think of or she can think of, and do not share this information with your WS. Let her tell her story, and find out what makes sense. Usually there are so many lies, so much TT (trickle truth), so much gaslighting, that both BS's struggle to find their footing, and the WS's can often concoct a lie together.

You have come to a good place.

Read "Honey they always affair down."

That posting line has more truth in it than you can believe, especially at first.

If you need to understand how really F'd up someone can be, while seeming to be all together on the surface, even in a long term marriage, you can read my profile.

greengiant posted 11/27/2013 19:57 PM

I was feeling the same two months ago. How can she did this to me? And how could she hide this to me? At first I was taking time one minute at a time, next one hour, and now I am the stage of "let's face this day". This place helped me a lot, the healing library also. If your wife has regrets, it will also help, but you'll see it won't be easy. Talk with her, read the healing library. You may also consider counselling, for both of you. But first, take care of yourself, and keep in mind that it's not a race, don't rush anything.

By the way great post standinghere.

[This message edited by greengiant at 8:00 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

jjct posted 11/27/2013 20:08 PM

At first, none of us know what to do! You are not alone my friend. After some time here I've learned, at least the first and foremost thing - love yourself.

Do not bury your identity in your love for her.

Love yourself.

Loving another, she's the love of my life, he's the one - none of that matters now. Love you.
That's what to do.

tryingagain74 posted 11/27/2013 20:59 PM

Just sending some strength along to you to help you get through this rollercoaster ride. Like many on here have said, you don't have to make any immediate decisions, but one thing that helped me start on that path was writing a HUGE list of questions for my then-WS about his A. I was dealing with TT (trickle truth), so at that point, I only knew a small fraction of what XWH wanted to tell me. When he really started answering questions for me, I had a better sense of what path I wanted to take.

In the meantime-- eat what you can (I know... I lost ten pounds), stay hydrated, try to get rest, spend time with people IRL who have your back, and post often here. Just take life one hour at a time; I remember how difficult it was to be in your shoes, and I'm now over two years out from DDay and thriving. Take care of yourself.

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