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User Topic: Triggery Turkey Season Triggers
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Turkey day to January 2 was always a "not fun" Holiday Season due to alcohol/drug issues way back when. That has gotten better as I've been clean/sober for so long now.

But today the triggery wiggles came dancing on in attached to the form of xAP (the poison princess). Just when you think you've taken out the garbage, and the trash truck picks up the bag and disappears over the horizon, you look down and there's a little out of the blue "gift that keeps on giving" sitting on the ground at your feet like something the dog left behind.

I hate my messes. My weakness. My blindness. My selfishness. My stupidity. My need for ego kibbles. And my pathetic sense of injustice at being thrown under the bus by my xAP.

All of that internal garbage, ugliness, wheel spinning, and useless static has been getting so much better, in large part due to this place, IC, and having a true princess who also happens to be my wife. But, f#cking f#ck, I cannot believe sometimes how self-indulgent and weak minded my allegedly intelligent, caring, loving mind can be.

Resentments…"feeling things AGAIN…and again…and again". And triggers can just go take a flaming leap off a cliff. Please. And I guess I'll just have to keep reaching down to pick up the final bits and pieces of this god-awful mess I created.

I fucking love holiday season. Really just fucking love it. If I was a Hallmark Card I'd be a picture of a knocked over Christmas tree, with broken ornaments and needles fallen off, with the caption:

"Holiday Greetings from JD. Fucking up the season since, like, 1980".

End rantish post. Aside from today's unsettling reminders of how far I have to go, my life and marriage, in general, have been going SO much better. So I'm processing my way to gratitude for what is reality, and not resentments over the Magical Unicorn Forest of Misfit Cheating Turds which I was expelled from.

Safe and happy holidays to all. I appreciate SI's gifts, which are delivered 24/7/365.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats on the sobriety. It's tougher than some realize.

As a BS, I would add, gently, that any feelings of 'injustice' my WH felt at anything relating to the A would really bother me. I would feel that MY issues as a BS should so overshadow anything that he is feeling that being thrown under the bus by xAP shouldn't even register. Again, gently, shouldn't that just not matter? Your hurt at being betrayed by xAP should trouble you, I would think.

I'm not judging you, so please know that. I appreciate every last post from a WS as it helps me understand more what was happening in my H's brain. I do not mean to offend you, and if my post has done so, I do apologize.

Again, congrats to you. Stay strong!!


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey JD,

Sorry you're dealing with triggers. I understand that the holiday season can be quite miserable for many people, BS and WS alike.

That exAP?

my messes. My weakness. My blindness. My selfishness. My stupidity. My need for ego kibbles.
Surprise, you just described her too. As far as her tossing you aside, look at the bright side. She could be an obnoxious bunny boiler that gives your wife daily panic attacks because she constantly harasses you both.

Can I ask a question? Why is it such a huge deal that she tossed you away? Blow to your ego? Is it the rejection? Why such a struggle with her rejection?

I fucking love holiday season. Really just fucking love it. If I was a Hallmark Card I'd be a picture of a knocked over Christmas tree, with broken ornaments and needles fallen off, with the caption:

"Holiday Greetings from JD. Fucking up the season since, like, 1980".

Excuse me while I say something unladylike. Why don't you un-fuck it up? Set the tree back up, sweep up the ornaments and needles, and make it right.

Aside from today's unsettling reminders of how far I have to go
I can relate. Some recent events have thrown me back in my chair. Things I wasn't fully aware of? Yeah I'm awake now. And it's disheartening and downright terrifying.

Shake off the ugly JD. Keep walkin'.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6437 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Painfulpast: Thank you for your reply. My first post here was a fairly epic version of "injustice" meets resentments, etc. And it's been a work in progress. Things like Maia's guide to Withdrawal, IC, and getting at why it bugged me so much (and to a VERY much lesser degree still does) to get thrown under the bus is part of the journey to recovery. Indifference is something that I've experienced, and I am under no illusions it is a "Great, I've got it now" thing that won't need some sort of care and nurturing. My focus has been on myself, my spouse, and what lies out the front windshield, not the rear view mirror. That being said, just like in early recovery from alcohol and drugs, there are times when the past just won't stay in the past. And today was a "every other car on the road in our slice of suburbia was HER car" day. Hence, the triggers. And hence sharing how I felt here.

I think the rantish nature of my post might have put a much heavier weighting to my caring about injustice and under bush throwing than is reflective of where I and my spouse are on our reconciliation. I probably should be better at sharing what is our new reality: a sense of being together on this planet with the one person on this planet we were destined to be with. We felt that from the instant we met, and our connection feels even more so now, despite ups, downs, hard stuff, and life tumbling us around, by choice (good or bad) or by life being life.

I appreciate your reply.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Aubrie. I can always count on you to chime in and help, which you did with 2x4's as I needed early on, and as a SI friend today.

Hey JD,
Sorry you're dealing with triggers. I understand that the holiday season can be quite miserable for many people, BS and WS alike.

That exAP?

my messes. My weakness. My blindness. My selfishness. My stupidity. My need for ego kibbles.
Surprise, you just described her too. As far as her tossing you aside, look at the bright side. She could be an obnoxious bunny boiler that gives your wife daily panic attacks because she constantly harasses you both.
Can I ask a question? Why is it such a huge deal that she tossed you away? Blow to your ego? Is it the rejection? Why such a struggle with her rejection?

Simple question. Keen observations. And, yes, my itty, bitty, fragile ego kibble gobbling ego took a blow and it was a first. I was always, always the guy all the girls wanted. I learned early on, about age 4, I liked girls, and they liked me. And as I grew I learned that being tall, handsome, athletic, smart, funny and nice...and liking girls...was just a great all around aphrodisiac for the fairer sex. And, imagine my surprise, when I "affair down" and then get thrown under the bus for....egads...as someone wrote in response to my original SI post...a different vibrator in my xAP's drawer of boy toys! It was a first, and between the fog, the unicorn farting, and the withdrawal, it has been a journey toward understanding, awareness, and getting to the point where I can laugh at just how pathetic caring at all is. Am I there yet? Obviously not. Is it about 1/100th as acute as before...thankfully yes.

And her ugliness has earned her an impending divorce, according to information my spouse received not too long ago. I did my job admirably, as the first of her exit affair partners. What a great guy!


Excuse me while I say something unladylike. Why don't you un-fuck it up? Set the tree back up, sweep up the ornaments and needles, and make it right.

I think I'm going to see if I can find the clip where the "Grinch's heart grows three times that day" and watch it a few hundred times until the triggers turn to what has mostly been my current reality: that I have a great life, a great wife, and I can like the man I see in the mirror. Baby steps...

Shakin' off the ugly, Aubrie. With the help of SI and people like you. Thank you seems so inadequate for what I feel inside when I come here to get help, get real, and connect to those on both sides of this damn thing called infidelity.

I'm going to eat myself into a turkey stupor tomorrow, and wash it all down with a slice of Pumpkin pie the size of a basketball.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 7:58 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So exAP was the first woman to reject you. Have you dealt with that feeling of rejection and ultimately entitlement? (One of the top symptoms of Casanova Syndrome is entitlement.)

And her ugliness has earned her an impending divorce, according to information my spouse received not too long ago. I did my job admirably, as the first of her exit affair partners.
I disagree with this. Yes you were the first of many APs. Yes you injected yourself where you were not supposed to be. You however are not the actual cause of the end of her marriage. She is. She made those choices. She is responsible for her own boundaries, marriage, and healing.

I'm going to see if I can find the clip where the "Grinch's heart grows three times that day" and watch it a few hundred times
Just make sure it's the original. Nothin' beats the original Christmas stuff.

Happy Thanksgiving Dude. Enjoy your family and the fresh new day you have been given.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6437 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
harrypotter
♂ 39526
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JD,

I have rants just like that one...sorry they suck. But things are indeed better then they were right? I know its hard to have good feelings when your the one that caused this mess i do I get that.
I think (and I struggle with this) its important to take a breath at these times and realize that you have to feel it, but not to let emotions control our actions. I think in any moment we can choose to do something right and find some goodness in it. For example, look what happened in the rest of this post, you went from "fucking up the Holidays" to a turkey stupor! I guess its the curse of being a wayward "trying to allow yourself to be happy when all you have caused is pain" it doesn't feel right even though thats what we all want right? I just had a FaceTime thanksgiving dinner with my BS and 5 kids (i am overseas currently) we are going through some crap....but that dinner was nice and I am going to choose to see the wonderfulness of it and not ruin it with my self loathing. Happy Thankgiving Everyone, I too am thankful of all of the support.


Shakin' off the ugly
Thanks Aubrie!


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rejection and entitlement...how unfun to have to admit I'm not gods gift to women and humanity. It's sad that the other side of that coin is how "un" I have always felt: unsuccessful, unsmart, unhandsome, uncool, un, un, un...ugh. Who I am is someone inbetween. Someone I think I can like and love a lot more some day in a mirror soon.

This dude is looking forward to January 2...

In the meantime he will hold his loved ones dear...lucky guy that he is...

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@harrypotter: cross post. Thank you. Sometimes my pity pot sticks out its little foot and trips me.

I'm thinking thankful might be a good thought for Thanksgiving.

Pulling on my big boy pants...


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Topic Posts: 9

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