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He is Coming to Visit for 1st Time in Months...I'm Gonna be Sick

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NewMom0220 posted 11/27/2013 16:37 PM

So we are still at a standstill with the temporary visitation. I agreed to every other weekend visitation since I moved 2 months ago, but STBX disagrees and wants 50/50 custody of our infant son (one week on, one week off). Since we clearly can't agree and there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm letting him take the baby on an overnight until we have a signed agreement, I've said since the day I moved..you can come visit your son whenever you want. I've even sent him emails with photos, videos, and updates on how DS is progressing. A lot of things happen between 7months and 9months in baby development. He hasn't come to see the baby once since we moved on 10/2/13. Not once. Hasn't sent a dime to us and hasn't come to see him. I do believe he misses the baby, but I believe this standoff is about control. He isn't going to take my proposal for visitation even though it's temporary because he isn't going to do what I say...and he hasn't come to visit the baby at my parent's house because he resents the fact that I moved and I have set boundaries.

Well he emailed one line last night after a tense email exchange I had with his brother. I have been crickets/NC with his family for a very long time now, but various members of his family have been emailing me for weeks now, asking me to bring the baby for a visit, asking me to come to Thanksgiving (STBX will be nice, we promise). I have received about 3 emails, texts, or messages a week from either my in laws, one of his 5 brothers or sisters, an Aunt..etc. Apparently STBX wasn't telling any of them anything (according to them) so they didn't know that I had agreed to an every other weekend time sharing scenario and STBX had turned it down (I don't know if I believe that).

Of course they don't really care what is going on with me and the baby, they just want to pressure me into bringing the baby to town to visit with them and STBX. There is NO WAY I'm going to do that and walk into the lion's den. I've been burned by them before...so I finally responded to one of their emails and said, look, it's unrealistic to expect me to go to your family Thanksgiving with DS when STBX is calling me, harrassing me, leaving me nasty messages, doesn't pay child support, doesn't visit his son, tells me my inlaws are going to get their own attorney and sue me, and my MIL has said some hurtful things as well. I said, people need to realize that we are going through a divorce and it's very real...I also said, talk to your brother, email and call your brother. Ask him why he won't agree to an every other weekend visitation, but don't expect more from me than that.

I don't know if that is what sparked his request to visit but at 10pm last night I received an email saying: I want to visit DS on Saturday. I waited until today and just wrote: Let me know what time to expect you on Saturday.

Now here is my problem...I haven't seen STBXH in 2 months. I'm afraid. I'm afraid he is going to be as nasty to me in person as he has been in phone calls and emails. I'm afraid he's going to look sad or miserable and try to manipulate my emotions. I'm afraid that even after all of the really horrible and shitty things he has said and done, that seeing him will trigger my feelings for him. I'm afraid that he will goad me into saying something or losing my cool. I'm afraid that he is going to make underhanded jabs. I don't think he will try to do anything like take DS from me, but there is also a little fear of something like that happening.

How do you all handle visitation or having to be in the same room or place as your X? I just might pass out.

I also worry about what I'm going to wear. How I'm going to look..etc. Being far away has been a blessing. I don't have to see him. I don't have to wonder where he is or what he is doing on a Friday night. Having him come for a visit is giving me high anxiety and although I know we are going to share awesome baby in some way, shape, or form for the next 18 years...in a way my feelings for him and about him have been less muddled because I've been so far removed from him.

His one sentence email about wanting to see DS on Saturday almost made me throw up. That's the kind of intense response that I had to having to see him again.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:40 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

phmh posted 11/27/2013 17:18 PM

(((NewMom)))

I haven't been in your situation, so not sure if what I'm writing will be helpful at all. But, can you have someone there with you during the hand-off to help ensure that he behaves himself? I know some people even do the hand-off at a police station.

I'd also try to record the time you're with him, since everything isn't final with you, so if he misbehaves you have some proof of it which could potentially help in custody? (Probably depends on your state what is admissible, though...)

I'd look my best, to give myself confidence, not for him at all.

Also, just keep reminding yourself that the best revenge is a life well-lived. As hard as it is, try to keep your emotions in check and be civil. Don't let him know how much you're still hurting; don't give him that satisfaction. You can break down after he leaves.

Chrysalis123 posted 11/27/2013 17:44 PM

Can you visit in a public place where there will be witnesses?

PurpleRose posted 11/27/2013 18:23 PM

You are NOT leaving the baby with him, right???

First, I totally understand that sick feeling. I used to experience that every time. Now I don't-- indifference is a wonderful blessing! You will get there.

Second, you absolutely must have someone there with you. A big brother perhaps? Who happens to be a 3 time black belt maybe?? :)

Don't do this alone. Meet in a public place- a park or mall- so that when things go south you can pack up baby and leave.

No talking about anything that makes you uncomfortable. I don't know your story-- have you filed yet? Physical separation is so wonderful, until you come face to face that first time. It sucks. Try to stay calm. And realize that he is probably more nervous than you are right now--- the loser hasn't seen his infant in 2 months?? That baby doesn't know him, and your WH knows it.

Of course... This is all assuming he even follows through with this visit. Above all, stay calm. Stay as NC as you can. You got this.

devistatedmom posted 11/27/2013 18:44 PM

He visits at your parent's home, you and the baby do not go out with him. Your parents will be there, and I hope, someone else. Preferably a big male. Big brother? Cousin? Someone your STBXH won't want to be a goof in front of. Someone who, if his plan was to muscle you or force you to let him take the baby will intimidate him from that. Have the phone handy, he is not to leave with the baby, call the cops if you need to.

Look your best. It will help your confidence. You do not have to talk to him if you don't want to. If he brings up something you don't want to talk about, say so. Do not get sucked in.

Looking at him too hard? Don't. You don't have to make eye contact. Have this big guy stay in the room, you go into the other room if you need to, but ONLY if there is someone with him and the baby that he won't be able to bully.

You can do this NewMom. I know you can. Deep breaths, have a bottle of water handy, take a drink before you speak to give you time to think, and calm yourself. Think of us. You have 160000 people behind you.

caregiver9000 posted 11/27/2013 19:30 PM

First, don't borrow trouble until you see trouble in the doorway. It would not surprise me if he doesn't set the visit, sets the visit and doesn't show or cancels at the last minute.

Stay at your parents' home. Have others present at all times. ACT as if you expect him to behave. Treat him the way you would an over tired toddler who could melt down at any moment. Show no weakness, keep him distracted. And if necessary, be firm in enforcing the rules.

Look your best, but understated. Less is more. You don't want him to suggest that you "dressed up for him" or to wonder if he is thinking it. Look fabulous in that way that women do in the favorite tshirt and "natural" makeup.

(((((big hugs)))))

LeopoldB posted 11/27/2013 21:11 PM

If possible, wrap yourself in family during the visit so all comments to him are "We..." not "I..." You won't let down your guard if you are speaking for your team.

This may be a burden, but if there is any way your police officer sister can attend or be in the area, that would be a huge asset.

Good luck to you and the little guy.

Gemini71 posted 11/27/2013 23:57 PM

Just in case, park his car in.

Maybe a Nanny Cam recording in the planned visitation room?

He'll probably raise a stink about not being able to be 'alone' with his son. Too bad. There is no agreement in place, and what 'alone time' does he need with a nine month old?

persevere posted 11/28/2013 00:38 AM

During the divorce my XWH was being a complete controlling asshole. I avoided contact for the most part, but then we had to schedule for him to come pick up his stuff. Asking my officer neighbor, who XWH knew slightly but not as well as I do, to be there made a HUGE difference in XWH's demeanor.

Absolutely have someone there. They pretty much won't have to say a word, unless he is that stupid.

And, as others said, look your best, for your own confidence, do not be alone with him, and you're all good. You CAN do this!!! You've already handled his family incredibly well. ((Hugs))

Pass posted 11/28/2013 08:40 AM

I'm afraid he is going to be as nasty to me in person as he has been in phone calls and emails. I'm afraid he's going to look sad or miserable and try to manipulate my emotions. I'm afraid that even after all of the really horrible and shitty things he has said and done, that seeing him will trigger my feelings for him. I'm afraid that he will goad me into saying something or losing my cool. I'm afraid that he is going to make underhanded jabs. I don't think he will try to do anything like take DS from me, but there is also a little fear of something like that happening.

These are all valid fears. You are not overreacting by thinking any of this.

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