A few days ago, we had a perfectly "good day" ruined. We were making dinner together. What usually happens is I get the meal started while he does dishes and then he finishes making it for us. So we were making dirty rice, and we set the timer for 25 minutes so it could simmer. All was good.
While waiting, we played a couple of levels in Super Mario 3D World. This is a big deal to me, because he used to be very impatient or mean to me if I messed up a lot while playing a game. If I messed up, he reassured me that it's okay, and we can try again. All is good.
BBF went to go check on the meal, when I heard him tell, "WHOA!" I hopped out of bed to ask what was wrong, but I found out as soon as I asked.
Yeah, that part where he set the timer for simmer? He never lowered the heat. Oops.
We tried to salvage what was not burned, but it was of no use. It had that burned taste in it, and was really dry. So it had to be thrown out.
Now, BBF can get grumpy. There's a few scenarios that I notice where his personality can change in a split second. Usually, it's if he's tired or hungry, and something is in the way of fulfilling those needs. In this case, he was really angry that he couldn't eat now.
Usually, I'm the type that doesn't like confrontation. If he gets angry, I just sulk away. I don't like yelling at all, whether it's directed at me or not.
But this time, I chose fight instead of flight. The least I can do is fix dinner, no? So, I try to be proactive. Shit happens, you know? I tried to make light of the situation, recalling times I've burnt food - and I had been in the kitchen the whole time! Didn't work. Hmm.
"Well, we have more meat and another box, I could just make-"
"I DON'T WANT TO WAIT."
"Alright. Hey, let's make something else-"
"I DON'T WANT ANYTHING ELSE."
"Alright, then let me make dirty rice for you-"
He grabbed the freezer door before I could reach for the meat and just said, "DON'T. DO. THAT."
I wanted to try giving him a chance to say what he wanted, so I asked him what he wanted.
"I want dirty rice, but I want it now."
And so the argument, if it was even one, just kept looping on repeat like this. Nothing was pleasing him at all. So I gave up and just went in the room.
Of course, if there's any kind if fight, he's the type to pursue, especially if something like hunger makes him grumpy already. "You know, I didn't want you to fuck two guys, but we can't change that, now can we?"
Oh god. My stomach did flips. Everyday I remind myself of what a piece of shit I am for what I did to myself and my BBF. My actions were so horrid that they now leak into other conversations.
He just unleashed on me, saying no amount of gifts, cards, notes, dinners, etc. will ever change the two weeks I not only slept with someone else, but had little contact with him. I neglected him during all that. And it's true. No nice things now will change that fact I was a complete and total asshole then. He also talked about how he constantly feels like he's teetering, and one small set back sends him off the handle due to my As. That everything is a constant comparison to our relationship, from couples on the street, to the fictional relationships of characters in games.
I told him I wasn't hungry anymore when he asked me if I was just not going to eat. My stomach was kicking my ass even more, so if I was, I couldn't tell anyways.
I'm breaking at the seams, my voice cracking, and hyperventilating. "I'm terribly sorry for what I did. I can't fix that. But can I at least fix the one thing I can fix for you?" He said he didn't want it if it was just going to be for himself.
He ended up leaving to go sit in the recliner. That's where he typically goes after we have a fight. Usually when he's there, he realizes what he has said to me.
I started having bad thoughts. Usually, I have been thinking about suicide a lot. Never a plan or action, just...thoughts. I realized that this whole thing was my fault, and is yet another consequence of my As.
I imagined it to this. Say BBF was a camel. My As have stacked loads upon loads of crap on his back. The winds blew, and a single piece of straw lands on him, and he collapses. The straw wasn't my fault, but look at what he was already carrying from me. If its not fully my fault, then I contributed to it.
Rather than acting out my suicidal tendencies, I just cleaned some. The place had been a disaster, so I could at least not be a horrible slob for once. Eventually he came to me and apologized. I asked him what he was even apologizing for. It was a serious question.
Everything is my fault. I feel constantly uneasy around him. Everything is a trigger to him, and I mean EVERYTHING. I have no one to blame but myself.
He has said that he wouldn't be the same even if he was in another relationship. Essentially, he'd be the kind to be paranoid about hypothetical girlfriend cheating, even if she had done nothing of the sort. Don't you love just knowing how deeply your actions have fucked up people, and even a potential person in the future has to suffer the consequences of your actions?
Due to my As, I have revoked my right to fight back. I am not allowed to be angry at him. I can't even force myself to be angry at him. I suppose I'm supposed to just take this. I hurt him. It's my fault. The line of abuse is blurred now, because I can't tell when it's abuse anymore. If I was to be hit? Well, that's bad and it hurts, but no where near how much I've hurt him. I deserve it anyways.
I'm so sorry.
"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."
No one, man or woman, should be hit. Ever. The fact you feel like you deserve it is problematic. I understand your want to be punished, but that should take the form of positive punishment, not negative.
A few suggestions. Does he have power bars or something he likes as a snack? When prepping dinner, give him one, or put out some veggies or fruits as a premeal snack. Sounds like he has a blood sugar thing which makes his reactions sharper.
Ask him to write out a list of things he wants you to do to make him feel safe, then do those things, religiously...passwords, call ins, leaving jobs, etc. Tell him constantly how much you appreciate the chance to make it right with him.
If he sees tv shows, movies or video games and they trigger him, dont do those things, now this can be tough because youre young and thats your culture, but ask him if he would think up different things for you to do and maybe you suggest aome things...hike, or boating or something that gets you away from the passive interaction of tv.
Finally, give yourself a little credit. You did something stupid, foolish, and hurtful, but you are owning it and trying to change. Get help, and realize what you have done reflects on something about you that must change. Its okay to change, it really is. Millions of men and women face demons like alcohol, drugs, physical abuse and addictions like gambling. You have something that you need help with too. Its a good thing to know you can fix it and move forward. Its hard work but i can tell you its better to catch it young before it destroys the rest of your life. My ex is obsessed with material things now because at the age of 42 she is the best known cheater in town and no one respects her, believes in her, and even some of her siblings barely talk with her. Can you imagine? What an empty life. You still have time, please take this as a must, find out what it is about you that seeks this sort of negative unfulfilled attention and address it. You can do it, you can overcome this weakness. My prayers go out to you.
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
He says I'm not doing anything wrong. That it wasn't my fault that the fight happened. I moved in with him from the other side of the country, so xAPs are states an states away. There isn't any current threats at my job now, and he has full access to any of my devices. NC with the both of them, and no desire to break it. I don't know if it's enough still.
As far as those activities go, it's a bit difficult given the north and that it's freezing. He says he wants to do those things but its upsetting. Even couples we see going grocery shopping is upsetting. It seems like everything is a trigger that adds up to one big explosion.
Nail, I'm a bit confused by his actions. On one hand, he claims he has forgiven me and wants to move on with me. We usually have good days, where we can talk about the A. We get a little sad, but there's no ad hominems, if you will.
I blame myself for this because pre-A, he was never like this. If that situation occurred pre-A, he would have been a little upset that he didn't get dinner as planned, but never would throw a fit like that.
It's confusing because it seems like the majority of him has forgiven me, but his angry side still holds on to that magic trump card just in case. It does win every argument, so I don't know how I would even argue.
"Hey, I asked you to put a load of laundry in before I got home from work."
"Well, you cheate on me twice."
That doesn't happen, but the fear of it makes me refrain from saying what I want. :/
I don't know if its really bad timing or not, however. When we still were an LDR, he never really showed his "mean side". His family and friends do testify that he has always had anger issues. However, they were never to the extent of physical violence like he occasionally does to me.
After the first A, we rugswept (VERY BAD IDEA) and I'll say that's when the behavior started. First it was yelling, then yelling in my face, then yelling in my face and grabbing me, then all of that and shaking, then actually striking. Each time seemed to get worse. I will say that this particular occasion, he didn't get physical with me though.
It's just so confusing though. I wounded him very badly. It'd be no surprise that he hides his wound from me and lashes out if I try to bandage it. But at what point is it a normal reaction or abusive?
I expect name calling, anger and the like. I'm just afraid of trying to respond in any way when it comes to him throwing it as a trump card, because then he has another one in store. I'd ask him to stop, and he'd say, "Funny you can tell ME no, but not THEM."
I can be strong to a certain point, but after sitting through 30 minutes of pure insults, you kind of break, you know?
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
As for the depression and suicidal thoughts, have you told your IC about them so they can help you develop some healthy coping skills? Is your IC aware of the current DV? I know you mentioned they were aware of it in the past, but please let them know its still going on. They may be able to help you explore why you feel you deserve to be abused.
Please don't rugsweep this, it is bad, and it has the potential to become much worse. Be kind to yourself. And don't allow yourself to be treated this way!
Therefore, when people suggest I just "leave", I look at myself. I feel like if he's not worthy of repentance, then neither am I.
It's kind of hard. 95% of the time, it's perfect. It's just that dreadful 5%. I cling on to the idea that it will get better. We have been learning to communicate a little better, but it hasn't been a perfect process, especially if he is in one of those "moods". I think both of us fear for a "next time" in our own ways.
Walk away from the situation, and believe me, 5 years from now when you're in a grocery store, you can walk up to him and tell him you're sorry things didn't work out, you wish him all the best, and you'll see he's moved on.
He hits you. And the more I read, the more I realize it's serious here. It's not a one time then rush to therapy and counseling thing. Though even that's too much for me, I've never hit a woman in my life. What it is called is abuse. Pure and simple. Get out of there. Do what you have to. Don't wait until you've got three kids and he's punching you in front of them. You have more sense than this. People who physically abuse use "redemption" as a soother for the next attack. Now he'll use your affair as an excuse NOT to apologize.
This isn't healthy. It's not right. If someone hits, they don't truly love, they just abuse. What you did was abusive to him, I give you that, but that is absolutely no reason to continue to live with physical abuse. It's not. Think what your life will be like with him beating you continually. No one deserves that. No one.
Please get out. I can't drive there, take you to a shelter, or help you in any way. I'm just a voice on the net. But I can tell you I'm worried. Don't live like this. Move on.
The people you do your life with shape the life you live