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Everything is my fault.

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pointofnoreturn posted 11/28/2013 00:18 AM

Please excuse me because I'm having some anxiety issues here.

A few days ago, we had a perfectly "good day" ruined. We were making dinner together. What usually happens is I get the meal started while he does dishes and then he finishes making it for us. So we were making dirty rice, and we set the timer for 25 minutes so it could simmer. All was good.

While waiting, we played a couple of levels in Super Mario 3D World. This is a big deal to me, because he used to be very impatient or mean to me if I messed up a lot while playing a game. If I messed up, he reassured me that it's okay, and we can try again. All is good.

BBF went to go check on the meal, when I heard him tell, "WHOA!" I hopped out of bed to ask what was wrong, but I found out as soon as I asked.

Yeah, that part where he set the timer for simmer? He never lowered the heat. Oops.

We tried to salvage what was not burned, but it was of no use. It had that burned taste in it, and was really dry. So it had to be thrown out.

Now, BBF can get grumpy. There's a few scenarios that I notice where his personality can change in a split second. Usually, it's if he's tired or hungry, and something is in the way of fulfilling those needs. In this case, he was really angry that he couldn't eat now.

Usually, I'm the type that doesn't like confrontation. If he gets angry, I just sulk away. I don't like yelling at all, whether it's directed at me or not.

But this time, I chose fight instead of flight. The least I can do is fix dinner, no? So, I try to be proactive. Shit happens, you know? I tried to make light of the situation, recalling times I've burnt food - and I had been in the kitchen the whole time! Didn't work. Hmm.

"Well, we have more meat and another box, I could just make-"
"Alright. Hey, let's make something else-"
"Alright, then let me make dirty rice for you-"
He grabbed the freezer door before I could reach for the meat and just said, "DON'T. DO. THAT."
I wanted to try giving him a chance to say what he wanted, so I asked him what he wanted.
"I want dirty rice, but I want it now."

And so the argument, if it was even one, just kept looping on repeat like this. Nothing was pleasing him at all. So I gave up and just went in the room.

Of course, if there's any kind if fight, he's the type to pursue, especially if something like hunger makes him grumpy already. "You know, I didn't want you to fuck two guys, but we can't change that, now can we?"

Oh god. My stomach did flips. Everyday I remind myself of what a piece of shit I am for what I did to myself and my BBF. My actions were so horrid that they now leak into other conversations.

He just unleashed on me, saying no amount of gifts, cards, notes, dinners, etc. will ever change the two weeks I not only slept with someone else, but had little contact with him. I neglected him during all that. And it's true. No nice things now will change that fact I was a complete and total asshole then. He also talked about how he constantly feels like he's teetering, and one small set back sends him off the handle due to my As. That everything is a constant comparison to our relationship, from couples on the street, to the fictional relationships of characters in games.

I told him I wasn't hungry anymore when he asked me if I was just not going to eat. My stomach was kicking my ass even more, so if I was, I couldn't tell anyways.

I'm breaking at the seams, my voice cracking, and hyperventilating. "I'm terribly sorry for what I did. I can't fix that. But can I at least fix the one thing I can fix for you?" He said he didn't want it if it was just going to be for himself.

He ended up leaving to go sit in the recliner. That's where he typically goes after we have a fight. Usually when he's there, he realizes what he has said to me.

I started having bad thoughts. Usually, I have been thinking about suicide a lot. Never a plan or action, just...thoughts. I realized that this whole thing was my fault, and is yet another consequence of my As.

I imagined it to this. Say BBF was a camel. My As have stacked loads upon loads of crap on his back. The winds blew, and a single piece of straw lands on him, and he collapses. The straw wasn't my fault, but look at what he was already carrying from me. If its not fully my fault, then I contributed to it.

Rather than acting out my suicidal tendencies, I just cleaned some. The place had been a disaster, so I could at least not be a horrible slob for once. Eventually he came to me and apologized. I asked him what he was even apologizing for. It was a serious question.

Everything is my fault. I feel constantly uneasy around him. Everything is a trigger to him, and I mean EVERYTHING. I have no one to blame but myself.

He has said that he wouldn't be the same even if he was in another relationship. Essentially, he'd be the kind to be paranoid about hypothetical girlfriend cheating, even if she had done nothing of the sort. Don't you love just knowing how deeply your actions have fucked up people, and even a potential person in the future has to suffer the consequences of your actions?

Due to my As, I have revoked my right to fight back. I am not allowed to be angry at him. I can't even force myself to be angry at him. I suppose I'm supposed to just take this. I hurt him. It's my fault. The line of abuse is blurred now, because I can't tell when it's abuse anymore. If I was to be hit? Well, that's bad and it hurts, but no where near how much I've hurt him. I deserve it anyways.

I'm so sorry.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/28/2013 01:07 AM

Few things here. As you can see, one year later my sleep is still messed up, so is my eating. He is barely 2 months post dday and im sure there was a good month or so of blameshifting, lies and trickle truths from you, so his irrational responses are, believe it or not, pretty rational to him. You are depressed. Anyone seriously dwelling onsuicide needs real help, so get it, fast. Tell him your are miserable and sick over what you have done and want help.

No one, man or woman, should be hit. Ever. The fact you feel like you deserve it is problematic. I understand your want to be punished, but that should take the form of positive punishment, not negative.

A few suggestions. Does he have power bars or something he likes as a snack? When prepping dinner, give him one, or put out some veggies or fruits as a premeal snack. Sounds like he has a blood sugar thing which makes his reactions sharper.

Ask him to write out a list of things he wants you to do to make him feel safe, then do those things, religiously...passwords, call ins, leaving jobs, etc. Tell him constantly how much you appreciate the chance to make it right with him.

If he sees tv shows, movies or video games and they trigger him, dont do those things, now this can be tough because youre young and thats your culture, but ask him if he would think up different things for you to do and maybe you suggest aome things...hike, or boating or something that gets you away from the passive interaction of tv.

Finally, give yourself a little credit. You did something stupid, foolish, and hurtful, but you are owning it and trying to change. Get help, and realize what you have done reflects on something about you that must change. Its okay to change, it really is. Millions of men and women face demons like alcohol, drugs, physical abuse and addictions like gambling. You have something that you need help with too. Its a good thing to know you can fix it and move forward. Its hard work but i can tell you its better to catch it young before it destroys the rest of your life. My ex is obsessed with material things now because at the age of 42 she is the best known cheater in town and no one respects her, believes in her, and even some of her siblings barely talk with her. Can you imagine? What an empty life. You still have time, please take this as a must, find out what it is about you that seeks this sort of negative unfulfilled attention and address it. You can do it, you can overcome this weakness. My prayers go out to you.

Nailinmyforehead posted 11/28/2013 04:28 AM

BS here, and no stop sign, so my two cents on what I read. At a year out, and what I feel to be a pretty successful R, I am appalled that he threw that in your face. NO ONE deserves to be served that shit sandwich repeatedly. NO ONE. My FWW had a 3 yr lta that was both an EA and a PA. I would not dream of being in an argument with her about dinner and throwing that shit at her. IMHO, all infidelity aside, your BBF is a baby. And he acted like one. Sounds to me as if that will be his trump card to throw in your face when he needs to win an argument or prove his point. IMHO, that is not healthy. Or good. You two should be trying to R from what I can tell. A BS in R with someone doesn't do that. Not cool, and I don't respect that type of behavior. Part of R with my FWW was that I won't throw it in her face. And I don't. You can't go forward if you are looking backward. You keep looking in the rear view mirror, and you are going to crash. To me, R is forgiveness. And grace. True grace. True grace, which I am working toward, means no keeping score. Ever. I am sorry you went through this.

pointofnoreturn posted 11/28/2013 08:49 AM

Getmylifeback, I don't know if there was much I'm the way of TT. The closest thing to the sort was...ehem, details of the encounters. It wasn't anything like, "You know when I said we had sex three times? I lied it was 15." He'd ask questions, and then I would answer them. It's not a comfortable thing at all, but it has to be done.

He says I'm not doing anything wrong. That it wasn't my fault that the fight happened. I moved in with him from the other side of the country, so xAPs are states an states away. There isn't any current threats at my job now, and he has full access to any of my devices. NC with the both of them, and no desire to break it. I don't know if it's enough still.

As far as those activities go, it's a bit difficult given the north and that it's freezing. He says he wants to do those things but its upsetting. Even couples we see going grocery shopping is upsetting. It seems like everything is a trigger that adds up to one big explosion.

Nail, I'm a bit confused by his actions. On one hand, he claims he has forgiven me and wants to move on with me. We usually have good days, where we can talk about the A. We get a little sad, but there's no ad hominems, if you will.

I blame myself for this because pre-A, he was never like this. If that situation occurred pre-A, he would have been a little upset that he didn't get dinner as planned, but never would throw a fit like that.

It's confusing because it seems like the majority of him has forgiven me, but his angry side still holds on to that magic trump card just in case. It does win every argument, so I don't know how I would even argue.

"Hey, I asked you to put a load of laundry in before I got home from work."
"Well, you cheate on me twice."

That doesn't happen, but the fear of it makes me refrain from saying what I want. :/

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/28/2013 12:12 PM

And so I still maintain if he wasnt like this before the shock of what happened is still fresh and he is dealing with it. You both need counseling and need to learn to communicate effectively. Yes his actions, as the previous poster suggested are childish and mean, so I would say he has to learn to constructively fight and express anger. Counseling can help. Im in the north too. Theres year round golf driving ranges, batting cages, gyms, coffee shops, bookstores, and heres a gem, volunteer opportunities! Join a community group, work a soup kitchen together. Part of what you have to do is learn to be a team again. Not easy or fun, but its hard work. Where I slightly disagree with the other poster is you cant let go of the past completely if that person is right there every day. You have to redefine the future. He will always have a trust issue with you, and the incidents will be there reminding him of what you have done, so while he shouldnt always use it as a hammer, he should find a way to use it to understand you and know what youre capable of. Its one of the reasons so many reconciliations fail in time, because sweeping the event under the rug isnt dealing with it. I believe the breach of trust can be so life changing it either must be dealt with completely with the aid of professionals or its better to walk away. The positive here is you are there, dealing with it, facing it. But mc and ic are musts for you...both.

pointofnoreturn posted 11/28/2013 13:37 PM

I'm going to IC right now. He's uninsured, so we can't get one for him. I have an EAP, and we tried going to CC for that, but due to past abusive behavior by him, we can't go as a couple because they would be afraid that something from there would carry on outside the session, if that makes sense.

I don't know if its really bad timing or not, however. When we still were an LDR, he never really showed his "mean side". His family and friends do testify that he has always had anger issues. However, they were never to the extent of physical violence like he occasionally does to me.

After the first A, we rugswept (VERY BAD IDEA) and I'll say that's when the behavior started. First it was yelling, then yelling in my face, then yelling in my face and grabbing me, then all of that and shaking, then actually striking. Each time seemed to get worse. I will say that this particular occasion, he didn't get physical with me though.

It's just so confusing though. I wounded him very badly. It'd be no surprise that he hides his wound from me and lashes out if I try to bandage it. But at what point is it a normal reaction or abusive?

I expect name calling, anger and the like. I'm just afraid of trying to respond in any way when it comes to him throwing it as a trump card, because then he has another one in store. I'd ask him to stop, and he'd say, "Funny you can tell ME no, but not THEM."

I can be strong to a certain point, but after sitting through 30 minutes of pure insults, you kind of break, you know?

Unagie posted 11/28/2013 22:08 PM

He's being abusive. Why do you take this?

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/28/2013 23:18 PM

Physical violence is never okay. Some others have made a suggestion which I think is healthy, set a limit. 15 or 20 mins at the most. But hitting? No, thats not something anyone deserves. My ex wife taunted me, tried to get me to hit her. I always walked away. Maybe this is a poisonous relationship. Do you want to be punished or loved? You might deserve to understand and live with the betrayal and hurt inflicted, but violence is always wrong. Sounds to me like you two are like a bag of cats. Might be best to get out. If he hits you, leave. I normally dont have much sympathy for the anger waywards have to hear, but violence is just never right.

cinnamongurl posted 11/28/2013 23:28 PM

Point, you may have hurt him deeply, but when he puts his hands on you, that's abuse, and is NEVER OK! Please make sure you are safe! It sounds like over time he has escalated, please take care of yourself and make sure you have a plan for if he continues to do so! Do you have a safe place you can go if you're afraid for your safety?

As for the depression and suicidal thoughts, have you told your IC about them so they can help you develop some healthy coping skills? Is your IC aware of the current DV? I know you mentioned they were aware of it in the past, but please let them know its still going on. They may be able to help you explore why you feel you deserve to be abused.

Please don't rugsweep this, it is bad, and it has the potential to become much worse. Be kind to yourself. And don't allow yourself to be treated this way!

pointofnoreturn posted 11/29/2013 07:26 AM

I guess why I "put up with it" is because I view it like this. An affair is abuse to me. Sure, I don't hit him, but because of it, I have abused his trust and him emotionally.

Therefore, when people suggest I just "leave", I look at myself. I feel like if he's not worthy of repentance, then neither am I.

It's kind of hard. 95% of the time, it's perfect. It's just that dreadful 5%. I cling on to the idea that it will get better. We have been learning to communicate a little better, but it hasn't been a perfect process, especially if he is in one of those "moods". I think both of us fear for a "next time" in our own ways.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/29/2013 12:12 PM

Kid I have a daughter your age, so I'll tell you exactly what I would tell her in the same circumstance. Get out. Now. What you don't understand is the 5% IS the 95%. You cheated. Yes. Horrible stuff. But this two wrongs making a right thing is not logical or good or healthy.

Walk away from the situation, and believe me, 5 years from now when you're in a grocery store, you can walk up to him and tell him you're sorry things didn't work out, you wish him all the best, and you'll see he's moved on.

He hits you. And the more I read, the more I realize it's serious here. It's not a one time then rush to therapy and counseling thing. Though even that's too much for me, I've never hit a woman in my life. What it is called is abuse. Pure and simple. Get out of there. Do what you have to. Don't wait until you've got three kids and he's punching you in front of them. You have more sense than this. People who physically abuse use "redemption" as a soother for the next attack. Now he'll use your affair as an excuse NOT to apologize.

This isn't healthy. It's not right. If someone hits, they don't truly love, they just abuse. What you did was abusive to him, I give you that, but that is absolutely no reason to continue to live with physical abuse. It's not. Think what your life will be like with him beating you continually. No one deserves that. No one.

Please get out. I can't drive there, take you to a shelter, or help you in any way. I'm just a voice on the net. But I can tell you I'm worried. Don't live like this. Move on.

Unagie posted 11/29/2013 13:08 PM

There is a difference between physical abuse and emotional abuse. Yes your A was horrible but that gives him 0 right to lay hands on you. Let me repeat, he has 0 right to lay hands on you. What you did is not good but you owned it, what he's doing may one day kill you. Physical abuse escalates and you are giving him free reign to escalate. Get away now, his family has seen his mean side. You guys were long distance, its a lot easier to be a nice guy when you're not around each other 24/7. You're being introduced to the real him and being trained to take it like you deserve it. Get out.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/29/2013 13:59 PM

Unagie is right. Zero tolerance kiddo, get out of there now.

wifehad5 posted 11/29/2013 15:52 PM

GotMyLifeBck gives you some great advice. You both have your demons to battle. You'll get farther faster if you work on them separately.

Be safe.

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