Please excuse me because I'm having some anxiety issues here.
A few days ago, we had a perfectly "good day" ruined. We were making dinner together. What usually happens is I get the meal started while he does dishes and then he finishes making it for us. So we were making dirty rice, and we set the timer for 25 minutes so it could simmer. All was good.
While waiting, we played a couple of levels in Super Mario 3D World. This is a big deal to me, because he used to be very impatient or mean to me if I messed up a lot while playing a game. If I messed up, he reassured me that it's okay, and we can try again. All is good.
BBF went to go check on the meal, when I heard him tell, "WHOA!" I hopped out of bed to ask what was wrong, but I found out as soon as I asked.
Yeah, that part where he set the timer for simmer? He never lowered the heat. Oops.
We tried to salvage what was not burned, but it was of no use. It had that burned taste in it, and was really dry. So it had to be thrown out.
Now, BBF can get grumpy. There's a few scenarios that I notice where his personality can change in a split second. Usually, it's if he's tired or hungry, and something is in the way of fulfilling those needs. In this case, he was really angry that he couldn't eat now.
Usually, I'm the type that doesn't like confrontation. If he gets angry, I just sulk away. I don't like yelling at all, whether it's directed at me or not.
But this time, I chose fight instead of flight. The least I can do is fix dinner, no? So, I try to be proactive. Shit happens, you know? I tried to make light of the situation, recalling times I've burnt food - and I had been in the kitchen the whole time! Didn't work. Hmm.
"Well, we have more meat and another box, I could just make-"
"I DON'T WANT TO WAIT."
"Alright. Hey, let's make something else-"
"I DON'T WANT ANYTHING ELSE."
"Alright, then let me make dirty rice for you-"
He grabbed the freezer door before I could reach for the meat and just said, "DON'T. DO. THAT."
I wanted to try giving him a chance to say what he wanted, so I asked him what he wanted.
"I want dirty rice, but I want it now."
And so the argument, if it was even one, just kept looping on repeat like this. Nothing was pleasing him at all. So I gave up and just went in the room.
Of course, if there's any kind if fight, he's the type to pursue, especially if something like hunger makes him grumpy already. "You know, I didn't want you to fuck two guys, but we can't change that, now can we?"
Oh god. My stomach did flips. Everyday I remind myself of what a piece of shit I am for what I did to myself and my BBF. My actions were so horrid that they now leak into other conversations.
He just unleashed on me, saying no amount of gifts, cards, notes, dinners, etc. will ever change the two weeks I not only slept with someone else, but had little contact with him. I neglected him during all that. And it's true. No nice things now will change that fact I was a complete and total asshole then. He also talked about how he constantly feels like he's teetering, and one small set back sends him off the handle due to my As. That everything is a constant comparison to our relationship, from couples on the street, to the fictional relationships of characters in games.
I told him I wasn't hungry anymore when he asked me if I was just not going to eat. My stomach was kicking my ass even more, so if I was, I couldn't tell anyways.
I'm breaking at the seams, my voice cracking, and hyperventilating. "I'm terribly sorry for what I did. I can't fix that. But can I at least fix the one thing I can fix for you?" He said he didn't want it if it was just going to be for himself.
He ended up leaving to go sit in the recliner. That's where he typically goes after we have a fight. Usually when he's there, he realizes what he has said to me.
I started having bad thoughts. Usually, I have been thinking about suicide a lot. Never a plan or action, just...thoughts. I realized that this whole thing was my fault, and is yet another consequence of my As.
I imagined it to this. Say BBF was a camel. My As have stacked loads upon loads of crap on his back. The winds blew, and a single piece of straw lands on him, and he collapses. The straw wasn't my fault, but look at what he was already carrying from me. If its not fully my fault, then I contributed to it.
Rather than acting out my suicidal tendencies, I just cleaned some. The place had been a disaster, so I could at least not be a horrible slob for once. Eventually he came to me and apologized. I asked him what he was even apologizing for. It was a serious question.
Everything is my fault. I feel constantly uneasy around him. Everything is a trigger to him, and I mean EVERYTHING. I have no one to blame but myself.
He has said that he wouldn't be the same even if he was in another relationship. Essentially, he'd be the kind to be paranoid about hypothetical girlfriend cheating, even if she had done nothing of the sort. Don't you love just knowing how deeply your actions have fucked up people, and even a potential person in the future has to suffer the consequences of your actions?
Due to my As, I have revoked my right to fight back. I am not allowed to be angry at him. I can't even force myself to be angry at him. I suppose I'm supposed to just take this. I hurt him. It's my fault. The line of abuse is blurred now, because I can't tell when it's abuse anymore. If I was to be hit? Well, that's bad and it hurts, but no where near how much I've hurt him. I deserve it anyways.
I'm so sorry.