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Abuse using affair as excuse

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lonelyidiot posted 11/28/2013 04:48 AM

I had an affair about 6 months ago and although we have tried we have made no headway. Even before the affair we had major issues with control, name calling and physical abuse.
Now it's so much worse. He is more abusive than ever resulting in me attempting suicide several times and one time ending up with a fat lip as the result of a Gatorade bottle being thrown at my face.
He requires me to sit down with him and rehash what I did to him over and over. He won't see a therapist and even his parents think he is completely unstable and is punishing me.
I am scared of him. We have 2 kids and the police are always at our house. I am afraid to leave because he will use the affair as leverage. He is saying he will use it to take the kids and have me arrested on charges of neglect which are erroneous but still who knows? What do I do?

authenticnow posted 11/28/2013 05:33 AM


Please call a women's shelter in your area. Even if you don't feel ready to leave right now, they have support services and will help you figure out the best way for you and your kids to stay safe.

I'm worried about you. Please act now.


LovesLaboursLost posted 11/28/2013 05:35 AM

Having an affair-while morally repugnant-isn't against the law. Physical abuse IS. He's bullying you into doing what he wants you to.

You don't deserve to be abused, no matter what. You don't want your kids growing up thinking this is what a marriage is supposed to be. Do you have anyone that could help you make a plan to leave?

BaxtersBFF posted 12/1/2013 09:31 AM

Physical abuse is not acceptable. Any form of abuse is unacceptable. The argument can be made that we (the WS's) emotionally abused our spouses during and after our A's. Sometimes there is a strong argument for the WS's physically abusing our spouses when/if STD's are involved resulting from the A.

Your situation is unique though, because there was physical abuse prior to your A. In my mind, that trumps everything else. Especially when your kids are probably witnessing this stuff. That right there is probably the worst thing that is happening out of all of this situation, that your kids are learning from both you and your BH, that physical abuse is acceptable. Please stop that cycle by getting away from your BH.

It sounds like you have some support from your in-laws, which is very telling. Unfortunately, you have to plan on them siding with your BH when push comes to shove. The only up-side is that you apparently have a record now with multiple visits by the police. Assuming you aren't the one who is being written up for abuse or DV, you have a strong case for leaving and any judge would be able to see right through the neglect charges he is threatening you with.

Please stop this cycle. Take care of yourself, and get your kids away from their dad who is not a good father. Good fathers don't hit or throw things at mom.

Please stay safe.

cs2384 posted 12/1/2013 10:28 AM

My BH was very verbally abusive after d-day. He was for a long while after too. I highly recommend Patricia Evans. You allow him to be this way. You do not have to tolerate it. I know I felt like I deserved it and allowed it to go on. It only escalated. Finally I started changing my behavior and stopped allowing him to treat me that way. We didnt truly start recovery until that point. The abusive behavior made it harder fore to step away from the affair mindset because in my mind I was using his behavior to justify my behavior

Daisy1967 posted 12/12/2013 10:32 AM

You do not have to take abuse. This is not anger from the affair. This is physical and mental abuse.

I don't know about the laws where you live, so please seek legal advice from an attorney in your area. But where I live, affairs cannot be used for determining custody. We have no fault divorce here.

Contact a women's shelter. Leave if you have to. Next time the Gatorade bottle might hit one of your kids.

libertyrocks posted 12/12/2013 10:38 AM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:35 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

MissesJai posted 12/12/2013 12:57 PM

LEAVE. You owe it to your kids.
THIS! Please check in - are you ok?

Secrets Kept posted 12/12/2013 13:48 PM


I too had a very physically & mentally abusive marriage when married to my FWH#1. He is the one who had the affair though, not me. But the abuse was SO much worse & more frequent at the end & I wondered why. I now have confirmation that it was probably because he was in his affair at that time though so the puzzle pieces just keep falling into place for me.

BUT......after I finally got the courage to leave his ass because he came close to killing me one day, I then slowly came out of the abuse "fog". (yes, people, there are so many statges of DV that fit statistics just like having an A that all tend to fall under the same types of traits)

It took quite a while to get my self-esteem & courage back but leaving him was the BEST thing I ever did for myself & my 2 boys. I think back to those 10 years of hell & cringe that I stayed so long.

And I can only imagine how much worse it is with your A!!! Now he feels he has a true reason to be this way & it won't stop until you step up & leave him. (or he gets some major DV counceling at the very least)

Kids adapt....mine were 10 & 4 years old & they understood so much more than I gave them credit for & were so much happier without the conflict, fear & violence involved in their everyday lives.

I wish you luck & am sending many hugs your way!!!

wifehad5 posted 12/12/2013 16:38 PM

lonelyidiot hasn't been on the site since she posted this. Let all keep her in our prayers, thoughts, energy, whatever you have

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