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OW emailed H and he didn't tell me

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frigidfire86 posted 11/28/2013 05:23 AM

It's been 2.5 years since D-day and OW hasn't been in the picture at all since. I also rarely check my H's email anymore. Well, a few days ago I did check and there was an email from OW. I read it and then marked it unread before signing out. I wanted to see if he'd tell me about it. Well, today I went into his account after I knew he had logged in. Here's how he majorly fucked up:

- He didn't tell me OW emailed him.
- He deleted the email, from the trash folder too.
- He RESPONDED to her.
- He deleted his email from the sent folder, and also from the trash.

*** Most importantly...the email itself.

OW said: "You might not remember me. We met a couple years ago. I have hpv16 and was told by my doctor to tell everyone I've had sex with because I don't know when I got it or who gave it to me. You should probably tell the people you've had sex with to get tested too."

H responded: "I was all ready tested after we had sex. I have been tested since then too. My results were negative on everything."

I don't fucking care how long ago they had sex, that they used a condom, or that we've both been tested since then...if there's even the tiniest, craziest possibility I got something from their encounter, HE SHOULD TELL ME! God damn that son of a bitch! I have to go made some fucking dinner for this stupid ass holiday. Happy Thanksgiving to me!

sinsof thefather posted 11/28/2013 05:44 AM

Not only didn't he tell you something you have a right to know - but he deleted all the evidence too. That does tell you a lot all by itself.

frigidfire86 posted 11/28/2013 06:06 AM

And this, my wonderful SI friends, is exactly why I am in limbo, waiting to finish school, so I can leave. He's just too damn selfish to be the man I need him to be.

rachelc posted 11/28/2013 06:20 AM

OW contacted my husband about something meaningless too. He didn't tell me. I found out by seeing her number on the cell phone bill. World War III ensued. I should have kicked him out - THAT'S HOW IMPORTANT honesty is...
good luck and hugs.
I'd be furious.

Clarrissa posted 11/28/2013 06:57 AM

I have to ask: are you SURE there's been NC until that email? I know what the OWs wording suggests but that could be a "just in case" situation. He knows you check but may not know how often.

As for his reply, at MOST he should have said "Thank you for the information." It's really none of her business if he got tested and what the results were. But either way he should have told you. The fact that he went to such lengths to hide the contact doesn't speak well for him. However I must give the OW a few points for informing him. Most wouldn't I think, especially if they weren't sure where/when they contracted it and she also didn't accuse him of infecting her. Small comfort I know.

So, what will you do now? If you confront him about this, I can almost guarantee he'll say he didn't tell you because he didn't want to upset/hurt you. Two and a half years out, transparancy and honesty should be damn near automatic. I tell my H if I even *think* I saw the OM. I even told him I saw OM on a short news bit a couple years ago.

I'd love to give your WH the benefit of the doubt here but I can't, not after the lengths he went to to keep you from finding out. I think he's hiding more than just the one email.

I'm so sorry.

crestfallen posted 11/28/2013 06:58 AM

Same thing happened here and my douchbag H deleted it from his blackberry claiming it was the only email deleted from both his handheld and the trash. Only, I saw it and confronted him and still he lied...kept his story...deleted it in the car, never saw it, never opened's all bullshit. This happened about 2 months ago. The only email deleted from the trash all day long..he hasn't deleted from the trash since I caught him having his A....and while he was talking to Mr. Ed for an additonal 7 months.

Needless to say, he has no idea why I think about leaving him on a daily basis.

frigidfire86 posted 11/28/2013 07:01 AM

I'm wondering if I should even bother to say anything to him. It's tempting to tell him that I know and he's a fucking idiot for thinking I wouldn't find out. He's being especially loving today which just gives him away. He's a crappy liar. I don't really want to talk to him, let alone confront him.

trumanshow posted 11/28/2013 07:07 AM

As far as the content-men can't be tested for HPV. They spread it woman to woman and it leads to cervical cancer. You would need a pap to check and it may not show up until later

And regardless of the content-yes, this is the epitome of selfishness

Clarrissa posted 11/28/2013 07:22 AM

trumanshow, hpv16 can and does affect men and they can be tested for it. If they couldn't be, why would they bother coming up with a vaccine against it for them? Just as it can lead to cervical cancer in women, it can lead to penile cancer in men. And yes, he's being extremely selfish, making sure he's not affected while leaving her oblivious to the risk. But he may not be free and clear like he thinks. Like any STD there's the possibility of a false negative.

Aside from that, the fact that he had contact and proceeded to cover his ass instead of being up front about it tells me he still doesn't get it.

frigidfire86 posted 11/28/2013 07:56 AM

It sucks that this happened on Thanksgiving, but even more so because I had been stupidly considering moving back into the bedroom with him. Now there's no way it's happening. How should I confront him? What do I say? I fucked up on D-day and don't want to screw it up again. I'm not sure there's even a point to confrontation. He's never really been remorseful. Ugh. Another holiday ruined by infidelity.

fourever posted 11/28/2013 08:08 AM

And exactly why, should you carry this yourself today or any day?
If you are planning your exit, fine. Different scenario.

If you are trying to R, then get it all the hell out on the Thanksgiving table. He needs to feel the wrath of betrayed woman. I don't care if it is a Holiday. It's not for you, he gets to share that.

Edit 1
Lies of omission, are lies. No explanation needed. I do not think he's taken this underground, I think he's just stupid and needs a whack upside the head.

Edit 2
YOU are out of master bedroom? WTF I'd make a switch!!

[This message edited by fourever at 8:13 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

frigidfire86 posted 11/28/2013 08:16 AM

Fourever, I still hope that he'll get his head out of his ass and R will happen. As of now I'm planning my exit though. I don't want to ruin Thanksgiving for our daughter, so I'll wait until at least tomorrow to confront him. I don't have much wrath, mostly just a lot of disappointment.

ETA: I moved upstairs because (1) he wouldn't move and I'm in no mood to argue with him about it, (2) our daughter sleeps upstairs and I prefer being closer to her and (3) there's more privacy and a bigger bathroom up there.

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 8:18 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

trumanshow posted 11/28/2013 08:17 AM

Clarrissa: from the CDC:

Is there a test for HPV in men?
Currently, there is no HPV test recommended for men. The only approved HPV tests on the market are for screening women for cervical cancer. They are not useful for screening for HPV-related cancers or genital warts in men.
Screening for anal cancer is not routinely recommended for men. This is because more research is needed to find out if it can actually prevent anal cancer. However, some experts do recommend yearly anal cancer screening (anal Pap tests) for gay, bisexual, and HIV-positive men – since anal cancer is more common in these men.
There is no approved test to find genital warts for men or women. However, most of the time, you can see genital warts. If you think you may have genital warts, you should see a health care provider.
There is no test for men to check one’s overall “HPV status.” But HPV usually goes away on its own, without causing health problems. So an HPV infection that is found today will most likely not be there a year or two from now.
Screening tests are not available for penile cancer.
You can check for any abnormalities on your penis, scrotum, or around the anus. See your doctor if you find warts, blisters, sores, ulcers, white patches, or other abnormal areas on your penis—even if they do not hurt.

If they couldn't be, why would they bother coming up with a vaccine against it for them?

Never said they couldn't be affected or vaccinated-only mentioned testing.

Trying2Survive1 posted 11/28/2013 08:19 AM

If you are trying to R, bring it up! Lies are poison and you shouldn't have to be burdened with this IMO.

Take2 posted 11/28/2013 08:40 AM

There is only one reason that has even a sliver of something that might pass as not selfishly motivated: He was waiting to tell you so he wouldn't ruin your holiday. Not saying that is a good reason - but it "sounds" like a good excuse... I'd let a couple days pass, if I confronted at all.

eta: if your desire is to R - you'll want to confront. When I was in limbo, I went into wait and see mode. I couldn't imagine living my life constantly on alert, and wanted to see what would happen if I let my guard down. Got my answer - I'm D.

[This message edited by Take2 at 8:47 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

allusions posted 11/28/2013 08:55 AM

H responded: "I was all ready tested after we had sex. I have been tested since then too. My results were negative on everything."

Just wondering, are you aware that he was tested twice? Was the second time a follow-up (like 6 months after)? Or was he involved with someone else (that you don't know about), got tested again, and didn't tell you? His wording just sounded a little odd to me.

frigidfire86 posted 11/28/2013 09:04 AM

Allusions, I had to give him an ultimatum to get tested after D-day. He's deployed since then and I know they tested for at least HIV when he came home, but I'm not sure if they tested for everything. Honestly he could've screwed half the country the many times he's been gone and I don't know how I would find out. Can HPV show up years later?

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 9:06 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

DixieD posted 11/28/2013 10:15 AM

Truman is right. Unfortunately, there is no test for men for HPV. That's what is so damn scary about it. They can unknowingly carry it, spread it and It can show up 20+ years later. HPV can cause oral throat cancer in men, and that statistic is on the rise.

I had a male family member who was diagnosed with HPV caused throat cancer a year ago. That is more common than penile cancer.

Frigidfire, your husband is uninformed. With that arrogance and ignorance, he put your health at risk by having sex with someone else and again by not telling you his AP has now tested positive for HPV16. -- ETA: HPV can be spread even when using a condom.

HPV16 is a 'high-risk' strain of the virus that can be linked to cancer, particularly oral throat cancer, cervical and anal cancer.

Were YOU tested for it specifically? If not, you should be.

IMO, you need to tell him. He should also learn that he if they had oral sex, he is now at risk of throat cancer. I bet he won't be so quick to dismiss it then.


[This message edited by DixieD at 10:42 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 11/28/2013 10:23 AM

Can HPV show up years later?

Yes. Well, the effects of HPV (as in pre-cancerous cells/cancer) may show up later......

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:24 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

olwen posted 11/28/2013 11:10 AM

Maybe I am gullible but it sounds to me like a one off like email. Is it possible he was just stupid enough to not want to bring it up so as not to have to deal with the fallout? Not right but maybe possible.

Also regarding HPV can I tell you my experience?

In my mid 20's before having my son I had a smear come back inconclusive, not enough cells or something. Well my pregnancy was a miracle as both H and I have fertility issues and had been trying for many years. I can't remember if I was advised to wait until he was born or if I decided it myself. Well, I had a smear after having him and I had a tumour. Nothing major but fast growing so I had to have a loop biopsy where they remove the affected area of the cervix. I also tested HPV+

I have been clear since and HPV clear since a year after the cancer.

When we had to go for screening after his affair they spotted some tiny genital warts and froze them off. Now, I had never spotted them and H says he has had them since he was a teenager! They were so tiny they looked like normal variations in skin tone.

So I am confused. He had them before we met but it took about ten years for me to develop cancer. Back then HPV was not mentioned on smear results where I live. Now it is and I have been HPV - ever since. All the while having unprotected sex with him and his untreated genital warts! I guess it's pretty hit and miss and must clear up on it's own cos it did with me.

Don't know if any of that helps. OW was tested and supposedly came back clear but seeing as she gave us treatment resistant thrush god knows what nasties she is carrying and denying! She would never have told us if she was positive for anything and actually came back from her appointment saying they told her off for wasting their time! As if any clinic would say that to anyone going to be checked

I would definitely say get yourself checked again just to be on the safe side. I know to check my HPV status on all smear results now.

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