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Be Nice Today?

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movingforward13 posted 11/28/2013 07:36 AM

I woke up to a text message from STBXH.
Message read "I am really missing my son. Is it possible we can do two video chat session today instead of one."
Per the temporary court order, he is allotted a video chat session every Thursday. His son hates the video chat sessions because of short attention span (our son just turned 3).

Mind you, the asshole didn't even say please or anything like that and I really want to say, "Fuck you. You chose your 10 year junior Med Girl over your wife and family. If you chose us, we would have been able to spend Thanksgiving as a family. Further more, on our sons birthday, I asked you if I could video chat with him to say good night and you denied me under the premise of "We were sleeping," which I really don't fucking believe. You are a piece of shit cheater who blew up our family for a girl who will leave you in 2015 to do her residency program. You thought you had better but you didn't realize how much debt you were going to get into with our divorce, child support and financing your fucking girlfriend and how you will be spending the holidays alone she isn't bringing you back to her family members, FUCK YOU. Feel sorry for yourself, piece of shit. Stupid asshole." But since I am strict no contact, I refuse to let him get a word out of me.

Should I have a heart and let him have an extra video chat with his son today? Or should I stick to the court order with one?

20Hopeful16 posted 11/28/2013 08:02 AM

FWIW, I would be nice only if it works for you and your schedule. I wouldn't go out of my way to do it, but if it wouldn't be too much trouble, I figure its another deposit in the karma bank.

Thefly559 posted 11/28/2013 08:11 AM

Stick to the court order. It's not like he will not get it at all ! He wants it twice , that is a luxury and in my opinion it is a bully tactic. So do not break NC at all and ignore the request as long as you do not violate the court ordered one you will be fine. That is my opinion. He made the bed now time to lay in it.

PurpleRose posted 11/28/2013 10:14 AM

It's just so sad when reality turns out to suck, eh?

I would stick to your court order, mostly because your child does not enjoy these video chats. Now, if it were the other way around and your son was asking-- I'd totally say yes of course.

But the Ex deserves no special considerations. Just like he gave your family/marriage no special considerations.

Williesmom posted 11/28/2013 10:16 AM

Yeah, I would be way too busy with my awesome new life to fit in more than the one.

sadcat posted 11/28/2013 11:14 AM

I am going to be the dissenting voice here.

Do the extra chat, or if son has difficulty with attention- maybe add a phone chat as well if possible?

This isn't about you and your feelings. This is about fostering a good relationship with your son. You never want him to feel you blocked his contact with his dad.

careerlady posted 11/28/2013 12:40 PM

I agree with sad cat. I think the cheaters chose to betray us but that doesn't mean they don't love their children in their own way and I don't think there is anything to be gained by preventing their interaction. Seems overly spiteful to me. Now I guess you could cut the second one short if DS3 complains...

SBB posted 11/28/2013 13:25 PM

I would stick to your court order, mostly because your child does not enjoy these video chats. Now, if it were the other way around and your son was asking-- I'd totally say yes of course.

I'd agree to the second call but only for as long as your 3 year old wants to talk.

I, like you, have many many more years of this shit to contend with as my girls are 5.5 and 3. I try to be flexible if it suits me and is not detrimental to the girls. I do this for them, for me - not for him.

How do you know all of this info about him? NC means not letting anyone tell you stuff about him too. It derails your healing every time you do.

caregiver9000 posted 11/28/2013 16:58 PM

Maybe, just maybe, if you provide an extra chat today .... MAYBE next birthday or whatever day you want to chat, he'll bend the rules and allow it to happen for you. No guarantees, of course. An asshat is an asshat.

But if you play hard ball by the rules, it is a dead given he will hold onto the need to "get even" and withhold the contact next time you want it.

Model the right behavior. Take the high road. It is good practice for when your son is old enough to "see" what choices you make and to make the same decisions for himself in the future.

If you decide to do this, I would send a "son will call at such and such time." No discussion, no negotiation, and if video chat is more difficult, make it a phone call instead.

(((hugs))) I hate hearing the FT voice in my house, so I know how high this particular high road is.

movingforward13 posted 11/28/2013 21:34 PM

SBB- this info is nothing new. He was buying her gifts and taking her out to eat various expensive place *ahem Ruth Chris* and I found out on DDay. A few weeks ago, he told me that she is a permanent factor in his life because I asked why was he ruining himself financially for someone who is temporary. That day he said that, I went complete no contact.

Well I decided to be nice. I let DS3 face time him as soon as DS3 woke. STBXH never answered and that always means his girlfriend is around. An hour later, STBXH tried to call back and I just ignored it. Ever since, my mood has been down hill. I feel like a piece of thrown away shit. Our family. I know this is for the better, I will be better.
But he threw us away because he likes bragging that he is dating a med student. His girlfriend is going to be a doctor. This is all about his ego. I wish I went to Iraq back in 2008 instead of getting my orders revoked. I would have never met him.

SBB posted 11/29/2013 00:38 AM

I meant new info about him spending the holidays alone.

So you guys agree on a time to call? If you did and he didn't answer then I'd be sticking to the decree going forward so your son isn't being disappointed again. If you didn't agree to a time then I would not have called him without having a time locked in.

Again, not to stick it to X (he's sticking to himself) but so you're not put into this position again.

It takes practice but you will need to break your give a shit in regards to what he does/doesn't do or why. I make planning like a military operation against an unfriendly. I do all I can to eradicate my involvement in him fucking up my girls.

movingforward13 posted 11/29/2013 07:33 AM

Him alone is just due to circumstances. His mother couldn't go down to see him and neither did his sister. He is in a new state by himself and that is how he met OW.

I should mention that original text he sent me was at midnight so I had our son call first thing when my son woke. He missed the call so I didn't do anything again until the actual court ordered time. If I were missing my son that bad that I had to bother his mom at midnight, I would be right next to my phone just in case the call came through. I am pretty sure he was with OW so he didn't pick up.

Here is the kicker, he sent another text this morning asking to video chat again today since they didn't talk long yesterday. I am going with crickets on that one. He can speak to him on Sunday as per temporary order.

The divorce is final in 5 days and it couldn't be soon enough.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 7:35 AM, November 29th (Friday)]

caregiver9000 posted 11/29/2013 10:57 AM


I can tell his intervention into the day threw you off. I am so sorry.

He sounds like a "give an inch and he demands a mile."

I regret my earlier advice. Ignore him. You have orders that set every communication. You won't get anything from him so entertaining requests from you sets you back

I am sorry.

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