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noglamour posted 11/28/2013 08:23 AM

My WS and I had a little argument last night and it picked up again.

She called my a P*%%y for running away and not dealing with this. She also said to give her months so she can find another guy and she will forget about me.

Does this stuff ever stop? I know I hurt her with having an EA, I'm trying to understand it more.

Lionne posted 11/28/2013 08:51 AM

Well, I think name calling is counter productive. It puts the callee in a defensive posture. She is hurt, angry, and frustrated. THAT, will take a LONG time to go away. How long? Well, my first hint of disaster was 2002, confirmed in 2008, further truth in 2009. I'm still angry that my marriage was a lie for so long. I can still have a day where I vent, cry and remind SAFWH of all the pain he inflicted on us. I do call his. OW very colorful names. In the beginning, my angry rages would happen frequently, daily, weekly, then monthly. Mostly he learned to listen and then REALLY listen to my pain. He is doing the hard work to figure out WHY he was such a shithead(his words) and getting help to make sure it doesn't happen again.

The biggest mistake you can make is running away. When you do this, you reject and abandon her all over again. I get it, it's tough to be there in the room with an emotional person, but THESE ARE THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR CHOICES. She didn't do this to herself.

Read the book, "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair."
Short, sweet and direct.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:51 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

Alyssamd24 posted 11/28/2013 08:51 AM

After dday my BH called me some of the worst things I have ever been called in my entire life and said some of the most hurtful things to me, including that he hopes our DD isn't like me when she grows up.....it hurt a lot and was hard to take but I did it cuz its what he needed and I felt like I deserved it. The hurt it caused me was nothing compared to the hurt I have caused him.

I think the name calling is a normal reaction to an extent and we have to let them get it out and deal with their anger and hurt.

Hang in there

Joanh posted 11/28/2013 09:34 AM

It is a hard thing to take, and I am thinking this all pretty new.
There will be a lot of pain, and there will be a lot of anger, and it will come out. Its like hitting your thumb with a hammer, It fricken hurts, and you yell you swear anything to make that pain go, sometimes you cry. Till that pain goes to a point where she can see and breath, It may continue.
You did it , you need to just accept it for a while.

I know it can kill the soul when its been said to you, and you will internalize it, it can break you if you let, don't use it, learn from it, make it so you never ACT or BE that person again. Your actions your cheating are the words she calls you, but they do not have to define you.

Best of luck today.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/28/2013 12:22 PM

While my ex was in her PA she called me every name in the book. It was a long time before I let loose, like 5 months. Two things to remember. 1, theyre just words. They only have power if you give them power. They sting, but nothing like betrayal. So be calm, say things like, "i know, im sorry, i never should have done it, i will find out why i did this so i never hurt you or anyone else this badly again." 2, anger means something. Its apathy you have to look out for. Thats the killer. Anger means theres still a passionate connection, not constructive or good, but a connection.

Quick tips. Dont get defensive. When the anger comes out, dont smile even if its hilarious. Dont walk out. Ever. Dont dictate. Unless it gets physical, continue to express your commitment. And for gods sake be 100% truthful and honest. BS's have a lie detector that will eat you alive. Even a half truth will cost you months of spinning backward.

noglamour posted 11/28/2013 12:30 PM

Thank you for the replies. I will try and not run away and just handle the name calling and the other statements.

Jrazz posted 11/28/2013 12:50 PM

I want to say that the all consuming rage-pain, complete with name calling, ebbed at about the 4 month mark for me.

This betrayal is crazymaking.

Keep in mind that there is a distinct difference between whether it is ever appropriate to call someone hurtful names (No) and understanding why it is happening right now.

Imagine pain and humiliation physically manifesting itself as hot lava that is jogging through your BS's veins right now. It takes time to cool.

Something that helps is having more compassion for the BS than pity for yourself. Check the ratio, and try to be her rock right now as she scrambles for solid ground. It will pay off when she is able to receive a hug from you again in months, and can look at her own behavior objectively again. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. COMPASSION. TIME. This will make it stop, when she's ready.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:51 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]

standinghere posted 11/30/2013 03:32 AM

betrayal is crazymaking

This is more true than most of us can believe until we have gone through this.

Each of us BS's bring our own baggage to this event.
Each of us are hurt in our own unique way.
Name calling is a form of abuse, and abuse begets abuse. The affair is abuse, the name calling is abuse, neither are constructive.

However, many of us, after being devastated by the disclosures, are just f'ing crazy at times.

I think, that when the crazyhead stops, the name calling can stop, if it is happening. Better if it never starts.